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Post by mescaline on Jan 20, 2018 13:03:13 GMT -5
We have fun with the kids, but I avoid being alone with her whenever possible so having fun in that respect is limited. So, no, I don't have fun with her anymore.
Withdrawal does have the positive effect of allowing me to focus on myself and my own happiness, I guess that is all part of the process of ending the emotional bond with a spouse.
It's interesting viewing it from an objective perspective sometimes, rather than being too subjective.
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Post by mescaline on Dec 30, 2017 2:00:32 GMT -5
"Its only coercion if you threaten to leave if she doesn't want sex with you"
I refer my honourable friend to the DARVO thread! You're right though, and it is a threat I would never make, the interpretation of what I say can often be different to the words that come out of my mouth. Another problem in my marriage. Could well be even bigger than the sexless aspect to it.
It is all by-the-by at present anyway, I'm not ready to leave emotionally, financially or morally. Yet. The truth is dawning on me slowly though, and as the scales fall I probably won't be able to deny the reality much longer.
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Post by mescaline on Dec 30, 2017 1:52:38 GMT -5
Nope, certainly not happier. Wiser and more accepting of the truth definitely, but this does not make me happy. However, I am hopeful it will do in the longer term, I have more motivation and less fear of my own future.
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Post by mescaline on Dec 30, 2017 1:50:03 GMT -5
I suspect the Madonna/whore is quite a frequent occurrence in many of the SMs out there. I've stumbled across it many times in my research into my situation. I've tried to recreate it in my marriage as a response to my wife's behaviour (I don't know if she is a "sufferer" of this condition), unfortunately to no avail!
I suspect that psychological problems cannot be manufactured as coping mechanisms, which is probably for the best really.
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Post by mescaline on Dec 24, 2017 11:26:39 GMT -5
Very wise words Caris, I try to live up to this ideal. I'll be rereading your post everyday over the holidays. Thank you.
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Post by mescaline on Dec 24, 2017 11:24:04 GMT -5
How often? Once every 6 to 12 months I think. Though i haven't really ever explained the depth of my feelings in detail. It's something I feel I need to do before dropping the separation bomb.
Just struggling with the words now it's such a big elephant in the room. Really need to avoid the coercion thing, guilt tripping etc. That's the thing that paralyses my mind!
I guess my wife could tell from my behaviour that I'm unhappy, but can't be sure of that given her upbringing.
Difficult times are ahead for sure.
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Post by mescaline on Dec 15, 2017 15:18:42 GMT -5
[/quote] Why would one want sex with someone that has rejected them for years and years? [/quote]
Forlorn hope. I think most of us have been guilty of this. It's a difficult habit to shake!
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Post by mescaline on Oct 26, 2017 3:14:24 GMT -5
Good luck James, it's a lot to think about.
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Post by mescaline on Oct 25, 2017 23:42:02 GMT -5
Whether it’s “normal” or not is immaterial. At least half of the people in the relationship are unhappy the way things are. It’s not about making one or the other accept/settle/capitulate to a situation that is unfulfilling. If it isn’t working. If it isn’t ever going to get better. Why bury your head in the sand? I agree, it is immaterial. I disagree that it isn't making one or the other accept though. It is about making me accept it in the short/medium term. I still have responsibilities to fulfil and want to see my kids grow up (though I fully accept these are selfish reasons). I can't do that without making the appropriate plans and making sure that finances are secured one way or another to protect them in the longer term. I don't really see it is burying my head in the sand, I know there's a problem, I know it is very unlikely to change so I'm planning on getting out, but it's going to take a while to effect that final result. In the meantime, there's this place!
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Post by mescaline on Oct 25, 2017 23:34:32 GMT -5
I've been struggling with something similar. From a few years ago, my therapist (a woman) weighed in this way: You say you want to stay in the marriage a bit longer because you want to raise your kid, and you are -- in principle -- open to staying in the marriage if things got better -- even though you mostly believe they won't. So even if you'd say there is a "strong chance" you are going to want to leave someday, this is not "someday" yet. Any manner of things may change in your circumstances, and change your mind. So you are NOT under any obligation to disclose a "possible future" even if it is likely. After all, a zillion things are "possible futures". She's an adult; she can work out "possible futures" on her own, and act accordingly.
So that has been one of the cornerstones of my decision NOT to drop the "I'm leaving in two years" H-bomb. That... and I'd have to live in the radioactive wasteland of our household for another two years. I think my wife and I are in a strange "don't ask, don't tell" state. I've actively declined her request of me to promise "I'll stay forever". She doesn't like that I'm leaving the door open. But... what can I say. Even if the door were shut, divorce is always a "possible future" for a marriage. I like that Dan, the honesty is there but without the fallout from dropping the D bomb. I suspect this is the way it'll sit with me for a while yet. At least while I'm planning my future anyway. It still feels a bit mercenary, but your therapist does paint a very convincing argument - nothing is set in stone in life and anything can come along to upset the applecart at any point, so why pretend otherwise!
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Post by mescaline on Oct 25, 2017 11:55:33 GMT -5
Interesting thread, I'm also planning on leaving in a few years. Like you I'm concerned about whether to tell my wife for fear of it being misinterpreted as coercion. Yet, as has been said, if she doesn't see that our marriage is going to end that also seems a bit unfair. I've seen lots of threads on other fora from wives who are "suddenly" dumped with no prior knowledge anything was wrong. My own wife believes our situation is normal!
Struggling to square that particular circle and retain my conscience...
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Post by mescaline on Oct 20, 2017 11:38:56 GMT -5
Yes aguywithneeds there would always be that doubt. Detachment in the name of self preservation is accurate for me too.
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Post by mescaline on Oct 20, 2017 11:36:58 GMT -5
mescaline it also means that if anything has happened in the past month, you don't have other things to add to the dysfunction. Ha ha! No chance there it's once or twice a year, and I've had the snip! I like the thought though.
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Post by mescaline on Oct 20, 2017 10:50:25 GMT -5
Same as you h, perilously close to the precipice. Still the fall will be character building I'm sure.
At the moment there is relief when I spot sanitary products in the bin, and I know she won't try anything. That's a bad sign for our marriage, but a good sign for my mental health.
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Post by mescaline on Oct 20, 2017 10:47:09 GMT -5
Hell yes, if I could take a pill and be rid of it I would!
I appreciate the philosophical side of it would still remain, but to get rid of the grief of wanting something I can't have at this moment would make life a lot easier.
Shame nothing works in that respect that I've tried anyway.
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