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Post by mescaline on Sept 2, 2020 14:40:05 GMT -5
I told my wife six years ago I was done initiating. Managed to stick to it except for two rejections which happended after one of our talks. I quickly learnt my lesson then!
Yet I still can't say "no" to her when she does her annual reset. I truly am in a codependent marriage. Still, acknowledging the truth is the first step...
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Post by mescaline on Sept 2, 2020 14:34:42 GMT -5
I yearn for a time when I can have my own bed. It represents a sanctuary that doesn't exist for me... ...yet.
In the meantime I'm hiding in the garage when the kids go to bed.
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Post by mescaline on Mar 31, 2020 5:54:58 GMT -5
I think it likely, I've chosen to stay for reasons explained elsewhere. I don't believe my wife enjoys sex, so I will be rejecting it if she does suggest it.
Since she has health issues now, I can't see it happening for the foreseeable future. Just need to come to terms with that fact.
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Post by mescaline on Jan 14, 2020 12:22:54 GMT -5
I'd love to have the space to do this, even a spare room would be good. Sharing a bed with my wife is very difficult when I'm awake.
Fortunately we have opposing sleep patterns so I'm normally in bed several hours before her and up several hours earlier. This is my space, in a temporal context at least!
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Post by mescaline on Dec 25, 2019 5:03:12 GMT -5
Merry Christmas to all you stayers (for now at least) I hope you manage to find some joy over what I consider to be a very difficult time.
At least it isn't Valentine's Day!
Take care of yourselves.
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Post by mescaline on Nov 12, 2019 12:46:22 GMT -5
I'm a firm believer in "the truth will set you free" the problem is it's fucking painful to acknowledge it and deal with it.
On that note I think I may well be tempted to drop the blue one, but I suspect I'd regret it in the long run.
It's a tough gig...
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Post by mescaline on Nov 3, 2019 9:10:20 GMT -5
I can echo No. 2, I had the snip 6 or 7 years ago, spent longer on the operating table than I've had enjoying sex since then. It was only a half hour surgery.
I told my wife 5 years ago I wouldn't be initiating anything either. I doubt she has noticed.
Interestingly though, I had my own motives for both of these not related to our marriage, but to my own self preservation. So I suppose they aren't quite in the titles category list, although closely related
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Post by mescaline on Oct 29, 2019 13:34:26 GMT -5
I agree cats. I do more household chores as it keeps me from interacting with my wife. It's not a deliberate ploy to retaliate, just makes me feel less shit.
Likewise I avoid intimacy, we've gone forward in our relationship- had kids got married etc. I'm not one for going back to just holding hands and smiling over dinner. So I avoid it. With no expectations of any results, just my own mental and emotional self preservation.
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Post by mescaline on Oct 24, 2019 15:16:21 GMT -5
I've been thinking a bit about this, and access to unlimited funds would allow me to leave. I could pay for two households so I would be able to have 50/50 with the kids. I could pay for round the clock care for my wife and ensure her accomodation and care was top spec.
It wouldn't stop the guilt I guess, but would certainly assuage a lot of it.
Food for thought, or fantasy at least!
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Post by mescaline on Oct 24, 2019 15:11:17 GMT -5
I feel your pain Mustang,I'm at the start of this journey, my wife has just been diagnosed with an autoimmune condition. She is likely to have many years of life left, but is also likely to require more and more intensive careing.
I'm stuck like you, and it's not good. Any plans for leaving when the kids were older are shot, and I have an expanse of life ahead of me that is going to be cold and lonely.
It regularly takes me to dark places mentally, but the kids and guilt stop me being silly.
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Post by mescaline on Sept 21, 2019 13:00:25 GMT -5
I remember binning a vibrating cock ring a couple of years ago. It still worked after sitting in a drawer for two years. The battery life was 40 minutes!
Says it all really, not even 40 minutes of sex in years!
Hell, I spent longer on the operating table having the snip than I've spent having fun in bed since then. Can't think why I bothered...!
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Post by mescaline on Aug 22, 2019 1:37:38 GMT -5
Not an ultimatum really, but four or five years ago I told my wife I would no longer initiate sex. It was all on her terms from then on.
I've stuck to it and now we have sex once or twice annually. It isn't particularly good sex for me and I've withdrawn any initiation of any physical or verbal sexual affection as a coping mechanism, rather than any attempt at changing anything.
She seems relatively happy with this and I'm more comfortable without playing at being a lover. We are pretty much coparents and housemates.
Not sure if that helps anyone, just a status update really!
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Post by mescaline on Aug 14, 2019 15:26:44 GMT -5
Fear of not being a daily part in my kids lives as they grow up.
Guilt of leaving my sick wife.
Thats about it really, I don't fear being alone and poor. Been there done that, it wasn't so bad!
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Post by mescaline on Aug 13, 2019 0:41:34 GMT -5
I see and appreciate the caution about "why chasing" but i do think it's worth exploring whether there is any merit in appreciating the motives of it.
If i was still searching for ways to fix things, then yes, completely a pointless act. As we all know only too well!
Yet, for the purposes of personal self improvement i think every experience we live out may be able to offer something to our self awareness. Even if it is simply a reappraisal of our reactions to our circumstances...
... Given my time in my marriage again for example, i would probably have cut my losses well beyind the situation now. I certainly would not have made the efforts and compromises i have to the degree i have. A lesson learnt for the future in that respect. If i understood my wife's motives then that would aid my appraisal, although i fuply concede it may be of negative or no benefit in the short term.
Just thinking aloud, feel free to pull my cognitive process apart!
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Post by mescaline on Aug 12, 2019 12:23:39 GMT -5
I think knowing why would give me some closure. It may even help me rectify some previous mistakes, and learn for the future. I cannot change my wife but i can change me.
I'm sure i share some responsibility in the breakdown of my marriage in this respect and i would like to try to own that side if things.
Of course i cannot change things, i know that. I also know i have tried all i can and that ultimately it doesn't really matter. Yet I've always believed the truth will set me free, and this is no different, to me anyway.
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