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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2017 20:16:52 GMT -5
Does a marriage ever recover from that?
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 14, 2017 20:24:03 GMT -5
We went a year before the marriage was consummated. We are twenty-three years past that. I do believe in retrospect that I should have had it annulled.
Sample size of almost one, my experience is, no.
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Post by h on Dec 14, 2017 20:24:17 GMT -5
I would say that it's possible... but HIGHLY improbable. There would need to be a very high level of motivation to change in the refuser and an equally high level of forgiveness in the refused.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2017 20:27:36 GMT -5
The refused is now a counter-refuser and no longer feels very forgiving!! I am sick to death of forgiving. One person cannot fix a marriage alone. So. Done.
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Post by hopingforachange on Dec 14, 2017 22:04:43 GMT -5
The refused is now a counter-refuser and no longer feels very forgiving!! I am sick to death of forgiving. One person cannot fix a marriage alone. So. Done. *hugs
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 14, 2017 22:33:26 GMT -5
Maybe....Circumstances beyond your control, or circumstances well planned for. Gone on active duty for a year, a sudden job change overseas, a year of missionary work, an injury leading to a year in the hospital, etc....
But a year? I had 10 yrs, of once a year than 3 1/2 yrs of nothing. Not bragging, instead I'm kicking myself for letting it happen! Heck, a season, a month, a week, is to long without questioning the why.
Dear friend, let me share what I hope I have learned. Forgiving is for you. Forgive yourself. Don't confuse that with an open pass to be violated, used, and abused.
So. Done.= Strength, validation, and self worth. You've got this, and you deserve it!
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Post by baza on Dec 14, 2017 23:19:09 GMT -5
Back in July you appeared to know that your deal was a total dead duck, and at that point were 3 years in to a 4 year exit strategy.
This "no sex for 13 months" is pretty much a sidebar to the main game it would seem.
How is the trajectory looking? Have you met your targets at years 3 and 2 thus far ?
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 15, 2017 9:01:20 GMT -5
I don't think the question is "Does a marriage recover from that" which in my mind the answer is probably "No" - especially when the man is the refuser. I think there is a little bit of a different dynamic when the husband is a refuser vs the wife is a refuser. I think it's easier to repair when the wife is the refuser if she's committed to saving the marriage but ultimately I believe that people enjoy sex or they don't OR they desire you or they don't.
So back to what is the question:
Is a marriage a marriage without sex to you?
To me a marriage includes sex and being sexual.
That is part of the reason how getting back with my ex and living together is working for me because we are not married. We are friends, co parents, and companions. For now while launching my kids that works for me.
I think if they don't treat us like a husband or wife then they do not deserve to be our husband or wife.
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Post by Dan on Dec 15, 2017 10:06:44 GMT -5
13 Months and No Sex: Does a marriage ever recover from that? My hunch is: the sex is unlikely to return. So the only way your marriage could ever "recover" is if you define "recover" to mean "let go of your anger and accept a sexless marriage". If you can't see getting to that point, well, there is your answer. FWIW (I don't think I've shared these stats about my marriage, so here I go): I would say our "dwindling sex" marriage became sexless in 2010 (we had sex three times that year), and between 2010 and 2015 had two separate 12-months runs of zero sex, and three or four times a year outside of those periods. At this point, my wife and I last had sex in the summer of 2015. So that puts me at run of about a 30 month dry spell.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2017 12:37:36 GMT -5
So back to what is the question: Is a marriage a marriage without sex to you? To me a marriage includes sex and being sexual. Thank you. I think this is the essence of the problem. No! Marriage is for sex! Without it, we have become roommates who frankly don’t even like each other all the time. I think I know my answer, I’m just having trouble with the final decisive action that is soon to come. And of course, I’ve continued to hope against all hope that my H would start listening and paying attention. I think ultimately he must not want the relationship or he’d work at it. It’s been a rough week with him giving me the cold shoulder silent treatment as he always has periodically throughout the marriage. He runs hot and cold and I’m just over it. Yes, baza, I’m on target. It’s just that the final death knells of a marriage aren’t as rapid or as straightforward as they ought to be. It’s not over until it’s over. And until it’s over, it’s a source of frustration!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2017 12:42:05 GMT -5
So the only way your marriage could ever "recover" is if you define "recover" to mean "let go of your anger and accept a sexless marriage". If you can't see getting to that point, well, there is your answer. Bingo. That’s what I can’t accept. I cannot accept that I’m healthy, young, married, and... celibate? It doesn’t jive. And it does make me terribly angry sometimes. I could stay. I’m tough when I need to be. But I’m afraid I’d be utterly bitter in 20 more years. And I’d probably seek sex outside the marriage.
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listedship
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Age Range: 41-45
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Post by listedship on Dec 15, 2017 12:42:46 GMT -5
The refused is now a counter-refuser and no longer feels very forgiving!! I am sick to death of forgiving. One person cannot fix a marriage alone. So. Done. It seems as if your mind is made up. The minute you counter refuse, you have joined their game of manipulation.
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 15, 2017 12:47:08 GMT -5
So back to what is the question: Is a marriage a marriage without sex to you? To me a marriage includes sex and being sexual. Thank you. I think this is the essence of the problem. No! Marriage is for sex! Without it, we have become roommates who frankly don’t even like each other all the time. I think I know my answer, I’m just having trouble with the final decisive action that is soon to come. And of course, I’ve continued to hope against all hope that my H would start listening and paying attention. I think ultimately he must not want the relationship or he’d work at it. It’s been a rough week with him giving me the cold shoulder silent treatment as he always has periodically throughout the marriage. He runs hot and cold and I’m just over it. Yes, baza, I’m on target. It’s just that the final death knells of a marriage aren’t as rapid or as straightforward as they ought to be. It’s not over until it’s over. And until it’s over, it’s a source of frustration! A big hug for you E! Some weeks are harder than others and some weeks are harder because of the people in our lives making it harder. The bottom line is divorce is not the end of the world. He may not be happy and fear the divorce but he should have been a husband to you then. Bad choices have consequences.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2017 12:51:23 GMT -5
It seems as if your mind is made up. The minute you counter refuse, you have joined their game of manipulation. I disagree. I think I’ve set a healthy boundary against someone who has been neglectful, hurtful, verbally and emotionally abusive, and who doesn’t even take the time to treat me properly when we do have sex. That’s not joining a game of manipulation. That’s self-love and self-preservation. That said, always seeing and hoping for the best in someone is a crippling attribute. I need to learn when to cut my losses as well.
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 15, 2017 12:53:38 GMT -5
The refused is now a counter-refuser and no longer feels very forgiving!! I am sick to death of forgiving. One person cannot fix a marriage alone. So. Done. It seems as if your mind is made up. The minute you counter refuse, you have joined their game of manipulation. Why would one want sex with someone that has rejected them for years and years?
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