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Post by mescaline on May 17, 2018 14:45:29 GMT -5
tooyoungtobeold - That made me smile, thank you. It's something to look forward to if I don't get out in time!
Actually, I may try it myself...!
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Post by mescaline on May 17, 2018 14:43:21 GMT -5
Hmm, much food for thought. All in I reckon I probably do disgust her, yet she pities me too I'm sure. Both of those make me feel like shit. I don't want to be in that position again.
The elephant in the room is interesting. I really don't think she sees a SM as an issue, I think she really does believe it's normal. So me explaining my thoughts, feelings and perspectives is pointless, she cannot empathise and I struggle to see things from her perspective. Actually, that's rubbish I see perfectly how things are from her perspective. I just don't want to be in a relationship with someone like that. I can't offer her what she wants and she can't offer me what I want. A fundamental disconnect that I didn't realise or even know about for the first five years we were together. How times change. Throw kids and finances into the mix and suddenly it gets a bit daunting!
I feel a bit bad whinging on here about this, considering other's stories involve significant levels of abuse and dysfunction. It's very cathartic having an outlet though.
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Post by mescaline on May 15, 2018 12:29:20 GMT -5
Thanks greatcoastal, interesting perspective. I agree about the small print too. It was pretty blunt when I first joined here with comments like that. I needed it, but took it personally to start with. No longer though.
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Post by mescaline on May 14, 2018 15:14:06 GMT -5
Maybe a bit of a drip feed, but her parents are in an affectionless marriage which I believe she is emulating. They do not physically touch at all, so I'm left wondering what her motives are, if she is following their example, by trying to initiate anything.
I guess it's simply why chasing in reverse though and ultimately pointless. Interesting from a pop psychology perspective and I'm getting quite good at being objective, rather than subjective. All part of the process I'm sure.
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Post by mescaline on May 14, 2018 15:08:00 GMT -5
Thanks again for your thoughts.
I don't really understand the obligation argument, it must be apparent that I am not getting much out of it, so why bother? Especially if its not something she wants, which I suspect is the case.
Telling the hard truth is tempting, but I'm not ready yet, although biting my tongue is getting more difficult. I need to play the longer game and work out the best way to extract myself.
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Post by mescaline on May 13, 2018 0:12:04 GMT -5
Thanks for the responses everyone.
lonelywifey - I don't really want any specific position or act, I want to be wanted and desired, to be attractive to her. I just don't believe she is, and I think this is what is affecting my performance. Her six/12 monthly initiations just seem to be something that I think she feels obliged to do. For what reason I don't know!
Agreed about making it pleasurable for myself aspect, there's always the nagging doubt that "this isn't right, what is her motive?" in the back of my mind. I'm still doing the Why-Chasing thing I suppose.
Baza - You're right, I'm not sure if it is reset sex, but I suspect it is her attempt at it (hence the above!). It's interesting that it doesn't seem to follow the pattern i.e. petering out quickly. It is literally a case of once every 6 to 12 months. I told her three to four years ago after a couple of years of rejection that I wasn't going to try and initiate anything until we'd talked about our sex life. That conversation never happened, I was closed down on multiple occasions so I gave up trying. The past three/four years she decides she wants sex once in a while and I've been going along with it and the issues in my opening post are cropping up.
I hear what you say about sexual issues too. I guess both my body and my head are telling me to get out of this mess.
Ironhamster - I'm so glad she is your STBX, sounds like you deserve a break!
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Post by mescaline on May 12, 2018 0:50:46 GMT -5
So, the dreaded (and I mean that sincerely these days, I do dread it) reset sex. When it's offered and I'm not good at refusing. Yet, it's been so long since we had a healthy sex life, it feels odd, weird and not quite right. So much so that I can't reach conclusion if you see what I mean.
The last three times have been like this (once in March '18, August '17 and April '17), I bought my wife a vibrator a few years back and the last two times we've used that to give her release, but there's nothing for me, and I don't really want there to be. I suppose this is just part of the process of withdrawing from my SM and prepping for the break, but I'm slightly concerned it will be interpreted in some way by my wife and I'm not sure how or what to feel about that.
Anyone else been through this? Just trying to analyse my own behaviour and reactions more than anything else!
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Post by mescaline on May 12, 2018 0:41:46 GMT -5
I think in my heart I'm still in denial, my head knows the truth though. There wasn't really a specific point when I came to recognition on the SM though, more a gradual realisation over the past year or so, though in truth my M hasn't been particularly sexual for about nine years (since first born was conceived). i suppose, my head is now over ruling my heart thanks to ILIASM, and I'm preparing, emotionally for the break.
I hear exactly what you're saying about the fear imstrongernow, I'm exactly the same. Essentially I think it's down to conflict avoidance. I'm pretty passive usually and don't really mind doing stuff/not doing stuff if it keeps others happy. Tackling this a SM problem is going to create conflict, a big conflict! One that could end up with divorce, loss of home, family and limited access to children. Plus it's not just you, it's others who are impacted - your partner and children. So I think that is what is keeping me from pushing forward.
The guilt and fear is also pretty normal for people like us, I'm sure it can be traced back to loads of things in our lives, but that doesn't necessarily help the here-and-now, and I know it is something that I need to get over. Something to be working on while biding my time and prepping for the fallout, just another self-improvement activity that will pay dividends in the future is the way I look at it.
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Post by mescaline on May 11, 2018 15:05:51 GMT -5
My Mum passed away a few years back, so I spend time remembering her.
I celebrate it with my wife and kids too, it's the easiest one for me compared to birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries and valentines as I don't dwell on the SM shithole!
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Post by mescaline on Apr 10, 2018 11:05:23 GMT -5
I agree with PPs, there is a difference between losing desire for your spouse and losing desire full stop.
The former is sad and heartbreaking, the latter may offer freedom from the urges one tries to ignore.
Of course neither are particularly healthy and both should be avoided, not possible for most in an SM though.
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Post by mescaline on Apr 10, 2018 7:25:07 GMT -5
Wise words Baz, although the latter paragraph suggests that the whole thing is an oxymoron!
Either way though, my SM has taught me so much about myself, my happiness and what I stand to gain and lose. Just working through the cost/benefit analysis is proof of that!
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Post by mescaline on Apr 10, 2018 3:39:06 GMT -5
I like this a lot.
I think a lot of people think this way, entitled I suppose is the current buzz word for it. Interesting how it came about, the general zeitgeist that everyone should be happy all the time, content and at peace with themselves and their lives.
Life isn't like that.
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Post by mescaline on Jan 20, 2018 13:15:27 GMT -5
Not much post game discussion that I recall either!
But the last two excuses that led me to stop initiating were:
"I'm perimenopausal" and "It's normal", I could've argued both of those, but I think I registered at that point that it wasn't worth it. We weren't in the same library, reading the same book let alone on the same page!
You live and learn eh?!
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Post by mescaline on Jan 20, 2018 13:08:20 GMT -5
Agree with Ironhamster, I wouldn't marry my wife, my kids are my life and even with different kids and a different wife it would probably be the same, but at least my marriage would have the chance to be happy and not sexless!
Either way, looking into the past and wishing for change isn't going to make much of a difference to the present. Learning from our mistakes and experiences is though.
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Post by mescaline on Jan 20, 2018 13:05:12 GMT -5
Staying at present, but always have an open mind to the future...
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