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Post by ihadalove on Jan 19, 2018 20:27:08 GMT -5
I think there are a lot. One's that I've heard:
-I'm tired -I have a headache -I feel full -I'm hungry -My belly feels weird -you said/did x (holding a grudge) -Not what I'm looking for now -I don't feel sexy -It's rude/weird to (staying at someone's place in a separate bedroom) -It's rude, guest might hear (in our own home!) -I'm grumpy (when woken up for sex) -I'm want to get up and start the day (in the morning) -I feel sick (this one is legit sometimes , seems to be brought on by certain situations though) -The house is messy -It's too hot -It's too cold -we'll be too lazy afterwards -I'm too stressed -I'm texting with someone -We have a busy day tomorrow -I'm feeling sad -I can't decide if I want to or not -we'll see (means no)
In contrast I think I'd only say no if I was sick, probably really sick. A bunch of the reasons above sound like good reasons TO have sex to me!
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Post by baza on Jan 19, 2018 21:12:26 GMT -5
And on the other hand,and in the interests of balance, a list of excuses as to why one stays in such a sub-optimal situation are just as worthy of examination.
In these situations, bullshit takes place at both ends of the deal, by the refusers and by the refused.
Anyway, here's the thing about refusers excuses - As piss weak as they may be, they get you to back off and accept them. You may accept them resentfully, or unhappily, or angrily, or sadly, or resignedly. But you do accept them. Which immediately gives the excuse legitimacy. They work. They bring about the desired result - avoiding sex with you - they are successful in this aim. So they are good excuses.
You may well think they are bullshit. You may well be right. You may laugh at them ironically. But you accept them. Which legitimises them.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Jan 19, 2018 21:24:21 GMT -5
I can’t even remember all of the excuses that i heard over the years, but there probably isn’t one that i didn’t hear.
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Post by solodriver on Jan 19, 2018 22:19:07 GMT -5
As many as there are grains of sand on a beach
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 20, 2018 4:09:14 GMT -5
“in contrast I think I'd only say no if I was sick, probably really sick. A bunch of the reasons above sound like good reasons TO have sex to me.”
You feel that way because you want to have sex with your spouse. It’s something appealing to you.Your spouse gives excuses because she does not want to have sex withyiu. It does not appeal to her. She knows if she told you that outright, you’d likely leave her. She enjoys the benefits of marriage to yiu. So she makes excuses allowing her not to have to engage in sex with you.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 20, 2018 8:30:00 GMT -5
"So she makes excuses allowing her not to have to engage in sex with you". That is one of the hardest pills to swallow ,isn't it? You had pre-martial sex, you had wedding sex, you had sex for a year or two after the wedding, how can this be?
Then comes the flood of guilt. The okay I must be doing something wrong! The"why" chasing begins!
Then there are the people who make excuses because they want to have sex with someone of the same sex.
Then there are the people who where always content to never have sex ever again, and wanted the benefits of marriage. They will always be that way.
PS you give a wonderful, funny, true, list! Some of us have been on here for a while and subjects get repeated, so the response can be low, or new members get to chime in.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 20, 2018 8:40:44 GMT -5
Back when I was still attempting to initiate with my H I remember hearing:
- I have too much on my mind right now - I'm too stressed out (UMMM, exactly WHY we should have sex!) - It feels weird to do it on Father's Day - I'm tired - My back hurts - I have to get up early - I was about to go to bed - I'm just not in the mood - "You really want to right now?" - How about tomorrow instead? (Never happened.)
For me it was more his nonverbal reaction that told me no rather than his words. He always had this deer-in-headlights look followed by one of steeling himself and then he'd reluctantly agree. Not exactly a turn-on.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Jan 20, 2018 10:45:09 GMT -5
My favorite one was him saying to me, "I thought you didn't like sex." sigh
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Post by becca on Jan 20, 2018 10:50:51 GMT -5
The list was long but my favorite one went something along the lines of "I really need to harness that sexual energy and put it into my business right now"
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Post by ihadalove on Jan 20, 2018 10:51:40 GMT -5
For me it was more his nonverbal reaction that told me no rather than his words. He always had this deer-in-headlights look followed by one of steeling himself and then he'd reluctantly agree. Not exactly a turn-on. Exactly, because all of the excuses mean the same thing anyway. That's the current problem with my wife, we can manage to make it happen, but without enthusiasm and desire what's the point? Guys are generalized as just wanting to get off but that's not it for me at all.
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Post by ihadalove on Jan 20, 2018 10:54:51 GMT -5
My favorite one was him saying to me, "I thought you didn't like sex." sigh I feel a bit bad but I almost spit out my drink reading this one, it's almost comical. I wonder if he really believed that one.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Jan 20, 2018 11:00:38 GMT -5
@ihadalove, he really did believe it....He got the "are you fucking kidding me" look from me when he said it.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 20, 2018 12:26:47 GMT -5
“Then comes the flood of guilt. The okay I must be doing something wrong! The"why" chasing begins!”
Your wife doesn’t want to fuck you just like my ex didn’t want to fuck me. I now look back and assume the body chemistry/pheromones weren’t there for him when it came to me. I know however that what didn’t attract him does attract others. I found that out delightfully shortly before my divorce was final. Almost 5 years latter my Post sm guy is still obviously turned on by me. Indeed, due to the obviousness of his desire for me, I can look back and recognize the many signs my ex wasn’t attracted sexually to me.
In fact, I now wonder at the signs I overlooked. Not only did he never, not one time during our marriage, bring up the up to 8 straight completely sexless years totaling more than 13 in our 34 year marriage, but he even started moving away from me in his sleep if I tried to snuggle.
Meanwhile, with my lover, my getting sick, being grouchy, gaining weight and even developing a sizable bald spot (!) didn’t turn him off. When he is sleeping, he snuggles and caresses me. His eyes light up when he sees me naked. He kisses and touches me for no reason, just the sheer joy of it.
That’s the way it is when someone really desires another.
I now know that if a man doesn’t desire me there are others who will. No need to feel guilty or blame or try to entice the uninterested man. Others await my charms.
It can be liberating to accept that your spouse simply doesn’t want to fuck you and there’s nothing you can do to change them. Once you accept that, you know that whether you have sex again with a partner who desires you depends completely on whether you are willing to be available for sex with someone else. You can outsource or divorce.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 20, 2018 12:50:11 GMT -5
In addition to the excuses, how is the post-game discussion? In twenty-four years of marriage, I never have had a compliment from her. I have no idea why it took so long for that to register, though. I never had that problem with anyone other than her.
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Post by solodriver on Jan 20, 2018 13:13:17 GMT -5
The list was long but my favorite one went something along the lines of "I really need to harness that sexual energy and put it into my business right now" I think it's the same thing they used to tell athletes, "Don't have sex for a few days before your event or game day so you have that extra energy."
So my question to them is: What's the difference between a great sexual encounter and a heavy workout?
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