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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 25, 2018 8:15:13 GMT -5
My wife’s most recent excuse was interesting. She didn’t need one. When I initiated I started rubbing my hand along the inside of her thigh towards her.....no further explanation required....and as I did so she said “sweetheart” in a slightly lower voice than her normal voice. That disapproving you’re in trouble voice. That was it. That was enough to stop me dead in my tracks. I just rolled over and went to sleep. Yup I think I know exactly the tone you are describing. My H had me “trained” well too: If I made a suggestive comment or initiated in some way I’d get a low-toned “honeyyyy...” which meant either “stop what you are doing” or “come on, don’t be ridiculous”. It was completely demoralizing. I have since stopped all initiation of any sort as I no longer wish to ever hear that again.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 25, 2018 9:12:07 GMT -5
Don't forget the "Great Wall of Pillows"! Right down the center of the bed. Then there is the one between her legs, and the one folded to form a big L shaped barrier around her head.
Layers of clothing. When asked "why have you started wearing a bra to bed,after 20 yrs. of going without?" Her response" It's too uncomfortable, I get too hot and sweaty, I need the support".
And the dog being encouraged to sleep between us.
Putting the ceiling fan on full blast, turning the AC on high, then throwing the covers between us.
Going to bed extra early ,or as late as possible, with books and computers in hand.
Getting dressed in the closet or,always in a record 30 seconds.
Coming home from work, and going straight to her daddy's room for an hour or longer.
Talking only with her daddy at the table.
Constantly only bringing food home for her and her daddy.
After dinner spending hours with the kids on the computer. (perfect alibi ONLY she knew how to work such a @#% system)
My favorite was " Grandpa might hear us". I responded "he goes to bed early, he takes his hearing aids out, his teeth out, his glasses off, and he snores like a freight train, with his door closed!"
The list goes on.....All actions. Communicating without saying a word. That's what a "manipulative controller" does.
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Post by ihadalove on Jan 28, 2018 21:55:28 GMT -5
My wife’s most recent excuse was interesting. She didn’t need one. When I initiated I started rubbing my hand along the inside of her thigh towards her.....no further explanation required....and as I did so she said “sweetheart” in a slightly lower voice than her normal voice. That disapproving you’re in trouble voice. That was it. That was enough to stop me dead in my tracks. I just rolled over and went to sleep. I got the "tone" you're describing last night, I tried to nuzzle in and kiss her neck. I stood up and walked out of the room.
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 29, 2018 3:11:17 GMT -5
My wife’s most recent excuse was interesting. She didn’t need one. When I initiated I started rubbing my hand along the inside of her thigh towards her.....no further explanation required....and as I did so she said “sweetheart” in a slightly lower voice than her normal voice. That disapproving you’re in trouble voice. That was it. That was enough to stop me dead in my tracks. I just rolled over and went to sleep. I got the "tone" you're describing last night, I tried to nuzzle in and kiss her neck. I stood up and walked out of the room. Is so demoralising isn’t it! It’s like you are doing something so so wrong. I’ll never understand it.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 29, 2018 7:02:05 GMT -5
“Is so demoralising isn’t it! It’s like you are doing something so so wrong. I’ll never understand it.”
What’s not to understand about their behavior? They don’t want to fuck you or to have you sexually touch them so they train you not to. They know if they told you outright that they loathe your touch, you’d end the marriage. They like the benefits of the sexless marriage they have. So they use other methods to keep you from sexually approaching them.
What is important for you to figure out is why you still share a bed with them and want to have sex with them. What do you get out of this soul shattering arrangement?
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 29, 2018 8:08:13 GMT -5
“Is so demoralising isn’t it! It’s like you are doing something so so wrong. I’ll never understand it.” What’s not to understand about their behavior? They don’t want to fuck you or to have you sexually touch them so they train you not to. They know if they told you outright that they loathe your touch, you’d end the marriage. They like the benefits of the sexless marriage they have. So they use other methods to keep you from sexually approaching them. What is important for you to figure out is why you still share a bed with them and want to have sex with them. What do you get out of this soul shattering arrangement? It’s very difficult to understand if there are occasions where what you describe is not the case. I get what you are saying if the marriage is completely, absolutely sexless or if the very rare sex is starfish every time but in my particular position is highly confusing. It’s not starfish, it’s not never but...on the whole she is happy not to bother.
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Post by baza on Jan 29, 2018 18:10:10 GMT -5
To summarise at this point in this thread.
All refuser spouses' excuses are piss weak and lack credibility.
There appears to be no arguement on this point.
But, on all observable data in the thread, these piss weak excuses work. They achieve the aim of avoiding sex with you.
The refused spouse may roll their eyes at the excuse, make a smart arse remark about the excuse, get in a snit about the excuse, get angry about the excuse, laugh at the absurdity of the excuse, maybe argue the toss about the excuse, get sad about the excuse, adopt a resigned attitude to the excuse. But you accept the excuse. Probably you accept the excuse in a pretty pissed off manner, but you accept the outcome - no sex.
And that legitimises the excuse.
And both spouses then play their familiar and comfortable roles that they have been playing for years.
Your role in it is to ask for sex. The refusers role in it is to thwart your attempt.
You both know what's going on, you both know your individual roles in the situation, and you know your spouses role in the dynamic too.
In many ways, this defines what your relationship is all about. In many ways, this is what gives your relationship meaning.
This weird kabuki dance of pursuit / rejection is what defines your relationship. If you didn't have this style of intimate engagement, what level of intimate engagement would you have left - if any ?
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Post by brian on Jan 29, 2018 18:24:18 GMT -5
To summarise at this point in this thread. All refuser spouses' excuses are piss weak and lack credibility. There appears to be no arguement on this point. But, on all observable data in the thread, these piss weak excuses work. They achieve the aim of avoiding sex with you. The refused spouse may roll their eyes at the excuse, make a smart arse remark about the excuse, get in a snit about the excuse, get angry about the excuse, laugh at the absurdity of the excuse, maybe argue the toss about the excuse, get sad about the excuse, adopt a resigned attitude to the excuse. But you accept the excuse. Probably you accept the excuse in a pretty pissed off manner, but you accept the outcome - no sex. And that legitimises the excuse. And both spouses then play their familiar and comfortable roles that they have been playing for years. Your role in it is to ask for sex. The refusers role in it is to thwart your attempt. You both know what's going on, you both know your individual roles in the situation, and you know your spouses role in the dynamic too. In many ways, this defines what your relationship is all about. In many ways, this is what gives your relationship meaning. This weird kabuki dance of pursuit / rejection is what defines your relationship. Very true! But no longer. I stand here with all of you as my witnesses and state that I will no longer accept this life. Either we change the marriage or we dissolve it. First meeting with lawyer this Friday.
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Post by ihadalove on Jan 29, 2018 19:25:22 GMT -5
“Is so demoralising isn’t it! It’s like you are doing something so so wrong. I’ll never understand it.” What’s not to understand about their behavior? They don’t want to fuck you or to have you sexually touch them so they train you not to. They know if they told you outright that they loathe your touch, you’d end the marriage. They like the benefits of the sexless marriage they have. So they use other methods to keep you from sexually approaching them. What is important for you to figure out is why you still share a bed with them and want to have sex with them. What do you get out of this soul shattering arrangement? It’s very difficult to understand if there are occasions where what you describe is not the case. I get what you are saying if the marriage is completely, absolutely sexless or if the very rare sex is starfish every time but in my particular position is highly confusing. It’s not starfish, it’s not never but...on the whole she is happy not to bother. Yes these situations are not black and white. It's like this, except when it isn't. I've often stated I feel like I live with two different people.
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 29, 2018 19:42:22 GMT -5
It’s very difficult to understand if there are occasions where what you describe is not the case. I get what you are saying if the marriage is completely, absolutely sexless or if the very rare sex is starfish every time but in my particular position is highly confusing. It’s not starfish, it’s not never but...on the whole she is happy not to bother. Yes these situations are not black and white. It's like this, except when it isn't. I've often stated I feel like I live with two different people. I prefer to consider myself her dildo that is pulled out the drawer when she fancies some fun and neatly tucked away again until she wants to use me again. In between the 2 outings, I am expected to simply lay in the drawer, dormant, like a dildo which was was washed down and switched off.
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