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Post by mescaline on May 12, 2018 0:50:46 GMT -5
So, the dreaded (and I mean that sincerely these days, I do dread it) reset sex. When it's offered and I'm not good at refusing. Yet, it's been so long since we had a healthy sex life, it feels odd, weird and not quite right. So much so that I can't reach conclusion if you see what I mean.
The last three times have been like this (once in March '18, August '17 and April '17), I bought my wife a vibrator a few years back and the last two times we've used that to give her release, but there's nothing for me, and I don't really want there to be. I suppose this is just part of the process of withdrawing from my SM and prepping for the break, but I'm slightly concerned it will be interpreted in some way by my wife and I'm not sure how or what to feel about that.
Anyone else been through this? Just trying to analyse my own behaviour and reactions more than anything else!
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Post by ironhamster on May 12, 2018 4:02:38 GMT -5
Totally different, here, except for the sake of being unfulfilled.
My stbx was never into toys. She has no vibrator, no dildo, no banana or cucumber, and I doubt she has ever even set her phone to vibrate. Release for her was pretty unneeded. As crap started to unravel she complained that once it was so bad for her that she had once masturbated. Wait. Once? One time? Bad? Holy crap, the frustration I experienced every single day she experienced one time? Not once in our time together did she ever compliment me for doing something right in bed, and, guess what. The problem as it turns out is not me. For her sake, I really hope she can fine someone or something that does it for her, but, I doubt it.
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Post by choosinghappy on May 12, 2018 13:31:04 GMT -5
I dread my H offering reset sex too. But I am to the point where if he does, I will refuse. It will feel all wrong and even if it didn't it would not be satisfying in any way. The part about it that I dread now is that if he offers and I say no, it will prompt a big discussion that I am not planning to have until my exit plan is complete. mescaline What do you want from her if she offers you reset? Do you want a blowjob? Ask for it. Do you want sex in a specific position? Ask for it. Worst she can say is no, and if so, no big loss since you weren't going to be satisfied anyway by the sounds of it. I realize I'm currently at a IDGAF stage in my SM but in my opinion, if you're not going to get what you want and need anyway, what's the harm in attempting to make it more pleasurable for yourself?
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Post by surfergirl on May 12, 2018 15:33:08 GMT -5
“I doubt she has ever even set her phone to vibrate.” ironhamsterThank you for this. I laughed so hard when I read this. 😂
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Post by baza on May 12, 2018 18:41:58 GMT -5
Thing is, with "re-set sex", that it will only work (by getting you to stay) if you believe it to be "the start of an ongoing satisfying sex life". However, if you see it for what it is (just a ploy to continue the status quo) then it has no power over you at all. In which case, I see no harm in having such a root, if you like. And of course, if you spouse embarks on a "re-set sex" strategy, and starts boofing you enthusiastically, it will - (a) - peter out pretty quickly (like after a couple of weeks) (b) - keep going ...... in which case your deal may be in recovery (highly unusual outcome in this group) I see your reference to having some difficulty in shooting Brother mescaline . Post ILIASM deal, when Ms enna and I got together, I had the same issue for a while. It self corrected. But it is a valuable lesson that an ILIASM deal can result in sexual issues for you.
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Post by mescaline on May 13, 2018 0:12:04 GMT -5
Thanks for the responses everyone.
lonelywifey - I don't really want any specific position or act, I want to be wanted and desired, to be attractive to her. I just don't believe she is, and I think this is what is affecting my performance. Her six/12 monthly initiations just seem to be something that I think she feels obliged to do. For what reason I don't know!
Agreed about making it pleasurable for myself aspect, there's always the nagging doubt that "this isn't right, what is her motive?" in the back of my mind. I'm still doing the Why-Chasing thing I suppose.
Baza - You're right, I'm not sure if it is reset sex, but I suspect it is her attempt at it (hence the above!). It's interesting that it doesn't seem to follow the pattern i.e. petering out quickly. It is literally a case of once every 6 to 12 months. I told her three to four years ago after a couple of years of rejection that I wasn't going to try and initiate anything until we'd talked about our sex life. That conversation never happened, I was closed down on multiple occasions so I gave up trying. The past three/four years she decides she wants sex once in a while and I've been going along with it and the issues in my opening post are cropping up.
I hear what you say about sexual issues too. I guess both my body and my head are telling me to get out of this mess.
Ironhamster - I'm so glad she is your STBX, sounds like you deserve a break!
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Post by sojourner on May 13, 2018 16:58:46 GMT -5
Eventually, I went down the vibrator route. Original Hitachi Magic Wand, with all the accessories. I spared no expense. I had no issues being a bit player while she was using the vibrator, but there was nothing for me afterwards. I don’t feel I need to go into details at this point, but suffice it to say, The Juice Ain’t Worth the Squeeze.
And my spouse never bothers to initiate. I have always begged, borrowed or stole to get some affection. There is never any thought she will initiate anything with me.
But on the bright side, I have an industrial strength back and shoulder massager. Lemons and lemonade!
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Post by shamwow on May 14, 2018 7:01:43 GMT -5
Thanks for the responses everyone. lonelywifey - I don't really want any specific position or act, I want to be wanted and desired, to be attractive to her. I just don't believe she is, and I think this is what is affecting my performance. Her six/12 monthly initiations just seem to be something that I think she feels obliged to do. For what reason I don't know! Agreed about making it pleasurable for myself aspect, there's always the nagging doubt that "this isn't right, what is her motive?" in the back of my mind. I'm still doing the Why-Chasing thing I suppose. Baza - You're right, I'm not sure if it is reset sex, but I suspect it is her attempt at it (hence the above!). It's interesting that it doesn't seem to follow the pattern i.e. petering out quickly. It is literally a case of once every 6 to 12 months. I told her three to four years ago after a couple of years of rejection that I wasn't going to try and initiate anything until we'd talked about our sex life. That conversation never happened, I was closed down on multiple occasions so I gave up trying. The past three/four years she decides she wants sex once in a while and I've been going along with it and the issues in my opening post are cropping up. I hear what you say about sexual issues too. I guess both my body and my head are telling me to get out of this mess. Ironhamster - I'm so glad she is your STBX, sounds like you deserve a break! She feels obligated to so you don't leave.
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Post by northstarmom on May 14, 2018 7:15:15 GMT -5
“ - I don't really want any specific position or act, I want to be wanted and desired, to be attractive to her. I just don't believe she is, and I think this is what is affecting my performance. Her six/12 monthly initiations just seem to be something that I think she feels obliged to do. For what reason I don't know! “
Reason is clear: she would prefer enduring an occasional fuck with you to divorce. She doesn’t sexually desire you but she wants to keep the benefits of marriage.
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Post by wom360 on May 14, 2018 14:41:43 GMT -5
You’ll get a lot more mileage if you refuse when she initiates. Tell her she just doesn’t do it for you anymore. Tell her you’re just doing your time for now. These kind of truth bombs can be very productive.
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Post by northstarmom on May 14, 2018 14:56:56 GMT -5
“You’ll get a lot more mileage if you refuse when she initiates. Tell her she just doesn’t do it for you anymore. Tell her you’re just doing your time for now. These kind of truth bombs can be very productive.”
Productive in what way — speeding the marriage’s end (which may be a good thing)? No matter what he says, he can’t make her sexually desire him or enjoy sex with him. However, if both beconechonest about lack of sexual interest in each other that may lead them to let go of a marriage that will never be more than a roommate situation.
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Post by mescaline on May 14, 2018 15:08:00 GMT -5
Thanks again for your thoughts.
I don't really understand the obligation argument, it must be apparent that I am not getting much out of it, so why bother? Especially if its not something she wants, which I suspect is the case.
Telling the hard truth is tempting, but I'm not ready yet, although biting my tongue is getting more difficult. I need to play the longer game and work out the best way to extract myself.
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Post by northstarmom on May 14, 2018 15:11:50 GMT -5
Mescaline, she knows marriages are supposed to include sex. She fears you will divorce her if she never has sex with you. To maintain the marriage, something she desires for nonsexual reasons, she fucks your occasionally even though she doesn’t enjoy or want to fuck you. She does that to keep you from leaving her. She may even love you as a person in a friend type of way. She just doesn’t want to fuck you.
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Post by mescaline on May 14, 2018 15:14:06 GMT -5
Maybe a bit of a drip feed, but her parents are in an affectionless marriage which I believe she is emulating. They do not physically touch at all, so I'm left wondering what her motives are, if she is following their example, by trying to initiate anything.
I guess it's simply why chasing in reverse though and ultimately pointless. Interesting from a pop psychology perspective and I'm getting quite good at being objective, rather than subjective. All part of the process I'm sure.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 14, 2018 16:04:01 GMT -5
Thanks for the responses everyone. lonelywifey - I don't really want any specific position or act, I want to be wanted and desired, to be attractive to her. I just don't believe she is, and I think this is what is affecting my performance. Her six/12 monthly initiations just seem to be something that I think she feels obliged to do. For what reason I don't know! Agreed about making it pleasurable for myself aspect, there's always the nagging doubt that "this isn't right, what is her motive?" in the back of my mind. I'm still doing the Why-Chasing thing I suppose. Baza - You're right, I'm not sure if it is reset sex, but I suspect it is her attempt at it (hence the above!). It's interesting that it doesn't seem to follow the pattern i.e. petering out quickly. It is literally a case of once every 6 to 12 months. I told her three to four years ago after a couple of years of rejection that I wasn't going to try and initiate anything until we'd talked about our sex life. That conversation never happened, I was closed down on multiple occasions so I gave up trying. The past three/four years she decides she wants sex once in a while and I've been going along with it and the issues in my opening post are cropping up. I hear what you say about sexual issues too. I guess both my body and my head are telling me to get out of this mess. Ironhamster - I'm so glad she is your STBX, sounds like you deserve a break! You had asked if anyone can relate? Yes! After I was done being used as a sperm bank- a pro-creation machine- sex dropped to once a year for 10 straight years. Then nothing for 4 yrs. meanwhile she still got what she wanted. A husband, a homemaker, a homeschooler, and more kids through adoption. She then replaced the husband part by bringing her daddy into the house to live with us. It formed the perfect triangulation for her benefit. She now had 2 against one. After the 14 yrs. of severe drought we had a "re-set" weekend together. She was capable of taking off her clothes, getting on top, stroking me, kissing me fondling me, hugging me. Then it was done. Within hours it meant nothing to her. In fact it infuriated her more to have to do it. Like you said, "the conversation never happened, I was closed down on multiple occasions so I gave up trying". What greatly helped me was the day I used a "triangulation" against her. Our psychologist confronted her with me in the same room and asked her, " why do you not want sex and intimacy?" Her answer was , " I don't see the need for it. It's not that important to me. I have no desire for it. I can take it or leave it." (I was fortunate to find a psychologist who had recently divorced from a manipulative controlling, narcissistic wife with a 12 yr. degree similar to my ex wife) This kind of behavior highlights her narcissism. It also shines the spotlight on another area that gets overlooked. mescaline@. The odds can be very high in your favor that she doesn't want to fuck anybody! She never will want to fuck anybody, however she is capable of fucking someone to bait and switch them. ( she is greysexual) The good news in that , it's not your fault. It's not your behavior, it's not your looks, it's not your weight or loss of hair, it's not your habits, it's not how much money you make , etc.... It's her ( or him as other cases may be) Every time I read the line "he/she doesn't want to fuck you" I want to see a little disclaimer in fine print below ( they may never have wanted to fuck anyone , or will never want to fuck anyone ever again, it's not you, it's them. Let it go. Flee evil. Run the other way)
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