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Post by mescaline on May 15, 2018 12:29:20 GMT -5
Thanks greatcoastal, interesting perspective. I agree about the small print too. It was pretty blunt when I first joined here with comments like that. I needed it, but took it personally to start with. No longer though.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 15, 2018 12:52:34 GMT -5
Thanks greatcoastal, interesting perspective. I agree about the small print too. It was pretty blunt when I first joined here with comments like that. I needed it, but took it personally to start with. No longer though. Sadly it does hit personally, like a freight train! It takes years for the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) to lift. The good news is... you are curable, restore-able. Your spouse? NO. You can overcome these depressions of "no one will ever want me, I must be doing something wrong, this is my fault". You don't have to run out and have a sexual affair. That has it's good and it's bad.
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hiddenmind
Junior Member
Posts: 25
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by hiddenmind on May 16, 2018 17:13:33 GMT -5
It's not working for me, either! We had reset back in March, a few days after our talk. He realized it was serious. So the whole thing seemed kind of desperate. At any rate, he got off and left me hanging again. It took a few days for that to really sink into my brain. Here I have expressed how much I need the intimacy, want to be touched, and he still paid no attention to my needs. He was done, so it was done. Needless to say, I am still quite angry. Our marriage has died, for sure. I don't want him to touch me, and I hate having to pretend being a couple. I am trying to get the guest bedroom in order so that I can move into it for now. Even sharing a bedroom feels too intimate and grates my nerves.
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Post by snowman12345 on May 16, 2018 18:57:38 GMT -5
Weekends are when my wife and I have time alone together. One Saturday not long ago, I made sexual advances. She declined (I guess she forgot the conversation where she told me she would never say no to me). I, being the mature, even tempered man that I am, had a little pout. Several hours later, after I had worked around the house all day; she asked if I still wanted to have sex. With the greatest sarcastic restraint, I said no I don't. I was very close to telling her about my other life. The life where I have someone who not only wants to have sex with me - she LOVES having sex with me. So, why do I stay in this marriage? Oh, lots of reasons, I guess. Most of which are selfish (I like my life). This is as good as it is going to get for a while. I understand most people can't separate love from sex - it's all or nothing. I had that for decades, now I don't.
The only real advise that is worth a nickel is "Face the facts, and deal with it." What works for you won't for the next person. Find what works for you and do it.
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Post by Apocrypha on May 16, 2018 23:17:32 GMT -5
So, the dreaded (and I mean that sincerely these days, I do dread it) reset sex. When it's offered and I'm not good at refusing. Yet, it's been so long since we had a healthy sex life, it feels odd, weird and not quite right. So much so that I can't reach conclusion if you see what I mean. The last three times have been like this (once in March '18, August '17 and April '17), I bought my wife a vibrator a few years back and the last two times we've used that to give her release, but there's nothing for me, and I don't really want there to be. I suppose this is just part of the process of withdrawing from my SM and prepping for the break, but I'm slightly concerned it will be interpreted in some way by my wife and I'm not sure how or what to feel about that. Anyone else been through this? Just trying to analyse my own behaviour and reactions more than anything else! I've had a number of years containing reset sex and a number of years afterwards to reflect. Here's where I have arrived with this: Reset sex doesn't happen because she wants you. It might happen because she's horny enough to overcome her aversion or disgust with you, in which case you are incidental to it. It might happen because she feels sorry for you and feels generous or that you deserve a reward, in which case it isn't springing from desire, and the disgust is still there. As such, the "weird" or "not quite right" is happening. Like milking a cow, or how I imagine having your straight buddy diddle you in a frat initiation, the bodily responses might work, but the act itself is empty of desire or connection. And if that's the case, then it can make you feel shittier - which might even be the point. Neither of you want to be there because you both know this. If you are afraid to stop participating because you are concerned with how it might be interpreted, then you already have a sense of how your wife feels about just saying honestly how she feels about you. You both are starting at the elephant in the room right now. Are you going to keep pretending you don't see it?
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2018 8:23:54 GMT -5
Ahhh, reset sex. The good old days before "just face it, we're too old to have sex".
Just kidding, reset sex is the worst once you see it for what it is.
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Post by mescaline on May 17, 2018 14:43:21 GMT -5
Hmm, much food for thought. All in I reckon I probably do disgust her, yet she pities me too I'm sure. Both of those make me feel like shit. I don't want to be in that position again.
The elephant in the room is interesting. I really don't think she sees a SM as an issue, I think she really does believe it's normal. So me explaining my thoughts, feelings and perspectives is pointless, she cannot empathise and I struggle to see things from her perspective. Actually, that's rubbish I see perfectly how things are from her perspective. I just don't want to be in a relationship with someone like that. I can't offer her what she wants and she can't offer me what I want. A fundamental disconnect that I didn't realise or even know about for the first five years we were together. How times change. Throw kids and finances into the mix and suddenly it gets a bit daunting!
I feel a bit bad whinging on here about this, considering other's stories involve significant levels of abuse and dysfunction. It's very cathartic having an outlet though.
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Post by mescaline on May 17, 2018 14:45:29 GMT -5
tooyoungtobeold - That made me smile, thank you. It's something to look forward to if I don't get out in time!
Actually, I may try it myself...!
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Post by greatcoastal on May 17, 2018 15:17:45 GMT -5
I feel a bit bad whinging on here about this, considering other's stories involve significant levels of abuse and dysfunction. It's very cathartic having an outlet though. What may seem like an insignificant level of abuse can easily be a huge amount of mental abuse. Something that will remain with you until you die,( mental abuse does and can lead to suicide, the rate is much higher for men) if it goes unrecognized and untreated. It has a ripple affect on others around you, especially family. A marriage is meant to build each other up, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Once any of that is not happening and the marriage has the exact opposite affect, you have every right to declare it wrong and start your own healing. It is cathartic to get a " me too" and "it's not all your fault".
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Post by saarinista on May 17, 2018 16:45:12 GMT -5
I feel a bit bad whinging on here about this, considering other's stories involve significant levels of abuse and dysfunction. It's very cathartic having an outlet though. What may seem like an insignificant level of abuse can easily be a huge amount of mental abuse. Something that will remain with you until you die,( mental abuse does and can lead to suicide, the rate is much higher for men) if it goes unrecognized and untreated. It has a ripple affect on others around you, especially family. A marriage is meant to build each other up, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Once any of that is not happening and the marriage has the exact opposite affect, you have every right to declare it wrong and start your own healing. It is cathartic to get a " me too" and "it's not all your fault". great points, great coastal. esp. about suicide. there are tons of bad or just not good marriages out there. It's definitely not a small decision, or shouldn't be to leave a marriage. I know that it can be darn near impossible if you have kids, at least for a time. But an abusive or bad marriage is a soul killer. And even a not so good marriage (ie one that was in retrospect a mistake but you've got two decent, caring people who are trying but are simply incompatible, which is how I would categorize my marriage) can really make one's life much, much less pleasant than life ought to be. I just wish our society was.... sigh, I don't know, sometimes I think the whole institution of marriage needs to change a lot. Maybe marriage should have five year options. A thing where every 5th year, the parties could evaluate the situation and if it seems that it wasn't working, just not renew the contract without anyone judging them negatively. Another of my brilliant ideas that will never happen: every year each married couple should get a two week break from monogamy where they're just free to go screw around. No Gill, no worries. Just get your groove back- or perhaps I should say keep it functional and from growing together. 😁😩 Now if I could do that, (AND if the H would clean up his mess in the backyard 😁 ) I think I could be quite happy forever!
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Post by Apocrypha on May 21, 2018 10:34:25 GMT -5
I really don't think she sees a SM as an issue, I think she really does believe it's normal. So me explaining my thoughts, feelings and perspectives is pointless, she cannot empathise You think so, eh? So, if you two split, you and she each believe that she'd never have sex again?
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Post by mescaline on May 21, 2018 23:39:11 GMT -5
I really don't think she sees a SM as an issue, I think she really does believe it's normal. So me explaining my thoughts, feelings and perspectives is pointless, she cannot empathise You think so, eh? So, if you two split, you and she each believe that she'd never have sex again? Oh no, I don't believe that. I think she believes this is what happens in marriages, after kids. Sex is replaced by some other form of love/friendship maybe. I'm speculating though, I haven't ever really spoken to her it beyond her saying that our SM is "normal". It shuts the conversation down because the implication is that anyone who wants anything different is abnormal. A pretty loaded description. I'm hopeful that after we split (or before for that matter) she does find someone who she can be sexually happy with, but it's not a given of course, just like it isn't for me. We're just incompatible, for whatever reason I don't know, and I'm tired of trying to find out why.
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