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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2018 12:47:04 GMT -5
Yesterday, for the first time in a while, my wife and I did something together that was sort of fun (figuring out how to make decent tasting gluten free pancakes - yeah, the bar for fun has gone way down compared to when we were in our 20s ) It didn't last - while we were eating them she felt she had to tell me her latest theory on my psychological makeup, although she tried to be sensitive about it - but still, given all the resentment I see here, the question is: Do you still have fun doing things with your sexless spouse outside the bedroom? I am not referring to going to events as passive audience members, I mean doing things together than you both enjoy.
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Post by orangepeel on Jan 15, 2018 14:27:57 GMT -5
I’m afraid in my case it’s been infiltrated by the SM. We can get on - well, even, at times - and there’s the weight of shared history and kids - but ‘fun’ has been adulterated: there’s always a part of me on protective self-patrol, guarding against the self-giving that fun entails. It’s the non-sexual face of my counter-refusing.
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Post by h on Jan 15, 2018 14:41:56 GMT -5
That's one of the reasons why it has been so hard for me to get used to the idea of leaving. We do get along great with each other in nonsexual ways. We have fun and we play games together. If I had no sex drive at all, we would live happily ever after for as long as we both lived. Sadly, I am not an asexual. I will never be happy living with only nonsexual fun for the rest of my life.
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Post by Dan on Jan 15, 2018 15:48:16 GMT -5
We get along in most household things and share the same tastes in comedy and politics. We do a light amount of socializing together; I would like to socialize (with friends and meeting new people) much more, but the little we do is at least pleasant.
But I'm so over "date night". There are so many things I have wanted to do together like cook together, listen to podcasts together, play music together, maybe go volunteer for Habitat for Humanity together, go out dancing or take a class... but they just haven't transpired, even with years of gentle cajoling, and the occasional outright begging. So the closeness it could have brought, likewise, didn't materialize.
Now if she suggests going out -- whether it is a passive thing (seeing a movie) or more active -- I usually go along, and we often have a pleasant time. I just keep my expectations for "additional closeness" low, and my expectations for "leads to intimacy" at zero.
I'm not a big fan of the whole "five love languages" thing, but this difference MIGHT be able to be summarized using its terminology: - I tend to want "touch" and "quality time" - She tends to want "acts of service" and "words of affirmation"
I think I provided tons of "acts of service" and "words of affirmation" for, oh, the first twenty-five years of our marriage, but it never resulted in the intimate/physical relationship I was looking for. I still do "acts of service" in that I do my fair share of running the household, but it is no longer out of a sense of "maybe I'll get some if I do". The "words of affirmation" are definitely at a trickle at best.
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PS: my recipe for gluten-free pancakes is: 1) buy a box of gluten-free pancake mix 2) follow the directions carefully to prepare the mix 3) throw away the mix 4) cut the box in to pancake-sized discs, and put syrup on those, as they will likely taste better than the so-called "pancakes"
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2018 15:56:52 GMT -5
DanFor what it's worth, we started with almond flour, almond milk and eggs, which was tasteless, and then added (successively) vanilla, cocoa powder and Xylitol sugar substitute. Topped off with a strawberry/blueberry mix we cooked up mixed with Greek yogurt. Results in the end were not bad, but not as good as the real thing.
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Post by brian on Jan 15, 2018 16:09:17 GMT -5
Considering that I had the day off work and didn’t tell my roomie that the office was closed today should speak volumes.
I went to breakfast by myself, caught a mantinee, did a little work in the office, and am now sitting at the bar downstairs from work. I can’t even watch a sporting event with her as she criticizes way too much for my tastes. Just enjoy the game. Watch the “chess match” between players. Between coaches. No need to second guess or criticize the decisions. They are the decisions they made. I love comedy. I enjoy heckling and being heckled by the comedian. My roomie HATES the attention.
It wasn’t always like this. I have a very logical mind. I weighed the pros and cons of marrying this woman for months before asking. My mind didn’t see the cracks, just the shiny smoothe parts. Damn 20-something brain!
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 15, 2018 17:20:48 GMT -5
That's one of the reasons why it has been so hard for me to get used to the idea of leaving. We do get along great with each other in nonsexual ways. We have fun and we play games together. If I had no sex drive at all, we would live happily ever after for as long as we both lived. Sadly, I am not an asexual. I will never be happy living with only nonsexual fun for the rest of my life. Sex is the result of desire. You live with a person who doesn't desire you. When your partner doesn't desire you (irrespective of whether or not they boff you), it makes you feel like shit, and rightfully so. You don't have a romantic relationship with that person. That doesn't mean that they aren't good people, or that they aren't fun or that you can't have a positive relationship with them in any number of ways. I'd warrant that the vast majority of the people in your life who you enjoy are not people you are married to. I think people tend to get hung up on the evaluating how much they enjoy their spouse overall - are they a good parent? provider? kind? smart? etc etc as if it all builds into some net positive that outweighs the fact that there is no desire resulting in sexual intimacy. You can have all those other positive things outside of a marriage. What does marriage bring to the table that's different from those other intimate relationships?
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 15, 2018 18:17:27 GMT -5
I’ve got to be honest and say yes. A big fat yes. Unfortunately my dilemma is exactly this. Not a day goes by without me thinking and wishing about the sex life we could have but we are such a good team, we laugh, we cuddle, support one another and then we go to bed....and sleep. I wish things were different as my marriage would be what dreams are made of if we had sex just once a week or thereabouts. My wife will happily just not bother but that does bother me. She is the mother of my children and my greatest support with the exception of my desire for sexual intimacy. A complex mess you misght say.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 15, 2018 18:23:53 GMT -5
My wife will happily just not bother Don't count on the idea that she's happy about it. Neither of you are in a relationship that is sexually satisfying. Many if not most of us find upon splitting that our spouses, and the other formerly married-but-celibate ex-spouses that we date, end up having robust sex lives with people they desire. The difference is that she's choosing to pay less attention to what she's missing and present outwardly like there is nothing wrong, more than you are. In her mind, she's the hero.
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Post by baza on Jan 15, 2018 18:24:27 GMT -5
These days, if I want to have some fun there are a vast array of options open to me.
For example - If I feel like a bit of adventure I can go out, fire up my cruiser and go for a ride with some of my mates. If I feel like a laugh, I can have a few brews with some friends. If I feel like a distraction, I can go to the movies with a friend. If I feel in need of a bit of feedback over some problem, I can seek out my best mate to talk it out. If I feel like doing that garden project, friends will help me move the rocks. If I felt like making gluten free pancakes my mate Julians' missus (a great cook) would help me out.
None of the above activities require the presence of - or participation by - Ms enna. But in practical terms, the above activities quite often DO involve the presence of and participation by Ms enna.
Now if I feel like a fuck, my mates and friends are useless. There's not a one of them I want to fuck (or for that matter who want to fuck me - as far as I know !!) That aspect of my life involves only one provider. That aspect of my life is contingent upon the presence of and active participation by Ms enna.
That's the defining aspect that sets my relationship with Ms enna at the top of the heap.
She can do all that other stuff to some degree or other, and I reckon she could do a pretty good job of making gluten free pancakes if she was called upon to do so - plus fuck me 6 ways to Sunday.
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Post by idgaf96 on Jan 15, 2018 21:33:12 GMT -5
I rarely have fun with my husband. Most the time I can hardly tolerate him.
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Post by idgaf96 on Jan 15, 2018 21:34:27 GMT -5
I rarely have fun with my husband. Most the time I can hardly tolerate him. We have nothing in common. Religion, politics, socially, food, SPORTS, nothing.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 15, 2018 21:36:09 GMT -5
No.
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Post by takestwototango on Jan 16, 2018 2:36:48 GMT -5
No. Everything is at a standstill. I have stopped asking for date night & he never wants to go out. He would rather chat on facebook with his female friends and lie to them about me.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 16, 2018 7:25:14 GMT -5
I cannot remember the last time we had fun together. We do not share any hobbies or interests other than the kids. Last year her doctor told her she needed to make some changes, and she went out and got a gym family membership, but I am the only one that uses it.
Now that she knows I am outsourcing, she is pretty bitter. I cannot tell her "Good morning" without her bristling. She avoids me, and I avoid her. I see this wrapping up as soon as the kids are out.
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