|
Post by neonspace on Dec 18, 2017 23:43:58 GMT -5
I get talked over all the time, by everyone in my family. They know it drives me nuts. I don't blame the kids they are just modeling the behavior they have seen. I remember when my wife and I were dating and at a family gathering. Her whole family did it. After awhile everyone is yelling trying to out talk each other. I knew what I was getting into I guess.
I'm also an introvert and introverts are more sensitive to being interrupted than extroverts.
|
|
|
Post by neonspace on Dec 13, 2017 20:24:05 GMT -5
I think scorekeeping creates steady negativity and resentfulness. I’m not like that. To my knowledge refuser ex wasn’t like that (unless he did it but didn’t talk about it).My lover isn’t like that. I wouldn’t stay with someone whose focus was on things I’d done wrong. There’s no winning in such a relationship. This was insightful and thought provoking for me. Thank you.
|
|
|
Post by neonspace on Dec 11, 2017 15:16:46 GMT -5
I think it goes in stages. I went through some stages where I said I wouldn't pressure only to find myself caving later. I don't do it any more, because I know it won't matter, she won't notice or if she does, she won't care enough to lead to any change in behavior.
Give it some time, a person can only take so much before they give up completely.
|
|
|
Post by neonspace on Nov 8, 2017 19:48:47 GMT -5
I am in the exact same situation. Maybe not exact, but my wife is trying to improve, but I'm already over it. I don't think she could do anything at this point. The damage is already done. It makes me feel bad, much the same as you. I don't want to her to keep on trying if I already know, it's not fair to her or me, but I'm still getting my exit plan in place.
It's not a fun place to be and I can empathize with that.
|
|
|
Post by neonspace on Nov 8, 2017 19:42:23 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by neonspace on Nov 1, 2017 12:55:49 GMT -5
It didn’t go as planned or the way I hoped. He refused to sign it and I couldn’t/didn’t want to have him served. I just lost all my momentum resolve and energy very quickly and agreed to couples counseling He’s trying really hard - we’re like good friends still and I don’t know what the future holds. I’m just completely exhausted of the whole process and maybe just want to give up and accept this. I wish I had positive and uplifting news for you (and for me. ) I’ve been so busy with my job, it takes everything out of me. I kind of want to just stop trying to leave. I think I’m trying to regain my energy. Thanks for checking in with me. I've been struggling with this too. I make the same argument, she is trying, I should give her the benefit of the doubt, I should give her a chance to try. But I always come back to what many people have said here: will it even matter? Why give her a chance to try if I know I'm done. Doesn't seem fair to either of us. Sometimes it feels like a step back, which leads to feeling exhausted and wanting to just give up. I'm just going to keep at it, at whatever pace I can manage. There will be steps forward and back, but at least they are steps. We just have to be strong and trust our instinct.
|
|
|
Post by neonspace on Oct 26, 2017 6:56:04 GMT -5
I shared my situation with my mom, as well. Much more supportive than I expected. Even suggested I should outsource. Damn, mom! That one even caught me by surprise. The support was needed and appreciated.
|
|
|
Post by neonspace on Oct 25, 2017 14:31:03 GMT -5
I think that letter is well written as exercise for yourself and I like others considered plagiarizing it.
I wrote a letter as an outline for a conversation and to send in case the conversation didn't go as planned. Like most here have said it didn't work out all that well. It came across as a rant.
If you give her the letter and she turns things around and is more affectionate and does everything you want, would you be happy? For me five years ago, maybe. Even a year ago I would have accepted that turn around. But today, no, I'm just not convinced it is in her heart. I can't get past wondering if it is real or not. Besides from what I can tell these turn arounds are rare to never.
I had trouble taking that quiz, because I started answering it with MY spouse in mind not an ideal spouse. Would I rather spend time with my partner or receive a gift. My wife? Receive a gift. My ideal partner? Spend time. I really had to think about the question and sort out who I had in mind as I answered.
|
|
|
Post by neonspace on Oct 19, 2017 20:29:35 GMT -5
My spouse usually tries to do her chore(her word, not mine) once a week. Usually on Saturday or Sunday morning she will lock the door and request that I be fast and quiet. It is mechanical and awful. I try to be out of the house for a run, hike or playing with the kids, but it doesn't always happen. She has accused me of avoiding her. She's right. It isn't fun and I do try to avoid it. it isn't enjoyable to have to think about if I'm taking too long, or if she is into it or just being accommodating. The latter always kills me because I know the answer and I have to remind myself that she isn't into it. And just thinking about all that while you were supposed to be enjoying a precious and intimate moment shared with another person is not a positive experience in any way, shape, or form. I feel like that it is worse than being refused months and years at a time. But maybe that's just grass is greener syndrome.
|
|
|
Post by neonspace on Oct 17, 2017 21:29:37 GMT -5
The whole time I was just really feeling the anger and looking back on all the ways I have been in denial, the ways I have been supporting this SM by accepting his boundaries, the way I have been manipulated into putting his own needs before mine, the way I have convinced myself that the exact same pattern doesn't play out in every other aspect of our lives (IT DOES!). I became utterly totally and thoroughly pissed off. I went through the same thing. Once she finally said the words that matched her actions that I had been denying, it was an eye opener. I started thinking back over many years and the pattern of rejection(not just sexual) and disrespect became obvious to me. It pissed me off, most of it directed at myself for not seeing it. My friend said something today that made sense. "Your experiences, good or bad, make you the person you are right now and you can't change that, acxepting it and moving forward will take you further than dwelling on it. " easier said than done but I'm trying.
|
|
|
Post by neonspace on Oct 14, 2017 11:21:41 GMT -5
At that time, "what people thought of me" was important to me, unhealthily so. I know several people who have flipped this switch from "what people think of me" to "I don't give a fuck". From what I can tell it doesn't appear to be a gradual transition it just happens. Is that other people's experience? Is there a defining moment where you say no more? I want to get to this place of not caring what other people think and I'm getting better, but there hasn't been a defining moment for me. Or maybe there was and I just didn't pick up on it. Interested to hear others thoughts on this.
|
|
|
Post by neonspace on Oct 6, 2017 17:24:55 GMT -5
You mentioned irony. From time to time, when I'm driving and contemplating my life and what a mess it is, I'll just start laughing. Sometimes things are just so tragic they are comical.
|
|
|
Post by neonspace on Oct 5, 2017 14:54:44 GMT -5
I feel like depressed can be paired with any other choice depending where you're at. I know I'm depressed about it and mad as hell, yet have accepted it.
|
|
|
Post by neonspace on Oct 5, 2017 6:59:39 GMT -5
What chore did I not do or do incorrectly? is it my breath? Did I not get into bed early enough?
|
|
|
Post by neonspace on Oct 3, 2017 12:15:15 GMT -5
Sounds like it just as well could have been a night at my house. Many people have this misery in common with you. I'm sorry you are going through it too.
I don't know why but when I see these posts from women it just infuriates me. I don't know if it is because I thought it was primarily a problem men had. Or just the frustration of knowing that there are women out there who want to go slow and kiss and want that emotional connection as much as I do, but I'm not married to one.
|
|