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Post by Dan on Oct 25, 2017 8:37:44 GMT -5
Over recent years, I've tipped my hand to my parents that my marriage isn't going that well. "There's not much marriage left in my marriage" I once told them.
I was visiting and helping my parents recently, and ended up in an unusually frank conversation about my marriage with my mother.
We have a good friendship, but I feared her Catholic roots would make it very hard to hear that I am seriously considering divorce.
Turns out she was very understanding. She is very realistic, and has seen peers and other family members proceed with divorce, and sees that it is sometimes for the best.
It's not like I would have NOT proceeded with a marriage just for the lack of support/understanding from my parents. But it is a great relief to know they won't be a source of additional friction in what will certainly already be fraught with friction.
So that is two checkmarks with one conversation: ☑ disclose to the parents that my marriage is headed towards divorce. ☑ continue to line up friends and family who will be able to be supportive when the sh*t hits the fan.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 25, 2017 8:44:05 GMT -5
Over recent years, I've tipped my hand to my parents that my marriage isn't going that well. "There's not much marriage left in my marriage" I once told them. I was visiting and helping my parents recently, and ended up in an unusually frank conversation about my marriage with my mother. We have a good friendship, but I feared her Catholic roots would make it very hard to hear that I am seriously considering divorce. Turns out she was very understanding. She is very realistic, and has seen peers and other family members proceed with divorce, and sees that it is sometimes for the best. It's not like I would have NOT proceeded with a marriage just for the lack of support/understanding from my parents. But it is a great relief to know they won't be a source of additional friction in what will certainly already be fraught with friction. So that is two checkmarks with one conversation: ☑ disclose to the parents that my marriage is headed towards divorce. ☑ continue to line up friends and family who will be able to be supportive when the sh*t hits the fan. Great job! I think lining up allies is so important! Let people help you- those that love you want to help.
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Post by wewbwb on Oct 25, 2017 8:54:46 GMT -5
It's nice to have support. Honestly (and I could be wrong about this because I do not have children but) I wonder what parent wouldn't want their child to be happy? I can't fathom that. If your child is not acting "self destructive" (ie. drugs, alcohol, abuse) what parent wouldn't support decisions that bring happiness and fulfillment to their children? I ask because I know some. A woman I know brow beat her son because he wanted to take a job out of state. I got on her bad side when I told her "Maybe your 27 yo son can make his own decisions." She then stopped speaking to me. So I count that as a win. (If I knew it was so easy....) So, I am glad that you got that support Dan, and I hope you can support your children as unconditionally as well.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 25, 2017 9:52:57 GMT -5
So.... DAN's DO EXIST!! LOL!!
You-all of us- do need to pursue what is best for our selves. I like the way wewbwb put it "It's nice to have support".
Then there are those who's parents and family turn against them. That does not mean your decision is wrong. Many a book has chapters about dealing with the likely rejection of family members, neighbors,marital friends, and certainly your spouses family. It's a mixed blessing.
You are welcome to receive support here, at all times!!
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 25, 2017 9:56:18 GMT -5
Support is so important, it's a form of comfort that is needed in life in good times and bad. We always need to feel supported.
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Post by WindSister on Oct 25, 2017 9:58:52 GMT -5
I found that refreshing, too, when my family was there for me, even my brother who is mostly usually distant with me. "If you need anything, let me know, we are here for you" he had said. Then he added, "Everyone deserves actual happiness." I am glad you have people who will be there for you.
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Post by Dan on Oct 25, 2017 10:17:44 GMT -5
So.... DAN's DO EXIST!! LOL!! Apologies for my absence from the board. I assure you it was just extreme busy-ness with work and family, and nothing to do with any of the posts or personalities here. (Missed you guys, too.)
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Post by h on Oct 25, 2017 10:27:24 GMT -5
That's awesome! I haven't told my parents yet. I am going to wait until after my current timeline runs out. If I told them about our SM and that I was considering divorce before I actually decided to go through with it, they wouldn't be able to let it go if I didn't. They are major league grudge holders and even if my W did decide to turn it around, they wouldn't give her a fair chance ever again.
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Post by neonspace on Oct 26, 2017 6:56:04 GMT -5
I shared my situation with my mom, as well. Much more supportive than I expected. Even suggested I should outsource. Damn, mom! That one even caught me by surprise. The support was needed and appreciated.
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Post by TMD on Oct 26, 2017 7:57:31 GMT -5
Glad to read this update!
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 26, 2017 9:07:26 GMT -5
I'm glad to see some of us do get support from our families, or, from anywhere else, for that matter. It is kind of spectacular, really, because I don't expect it. My experience in opening up to others is that nobody "gets it", unless they are also in a sexless marriage.
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Post by james on Oct 26, 2017 11:15:52 GMT -5
Really happy for you, Dan. And interesting to read this. I have been very secretive about my situation, I haven't said anything to anyone except a counsellor, and to this forum. I'm not sure why I'm so secretive. I have thought about sharing my troubles with close friends or my brother, but I just haven't wanted to. I think it just feels like it's too personal. Maybe that's a bit weird but it's just how it it. But if I moved to a position where I was seriously thinking about divorce and it looked like it was going to happen, then I would start sharing. I know I could never tell my parents. My mum died a few years back. She was brought up a strict catholic and has strong views. That would not have been an easy conversation. My dad is still alive at 89. He's not someone I would share any of this with. I am fond of him, but I would prefer it if he wasn't around for the fallout from the D. Thanks for highlighting this. What you've done is good and I will be looking for my own RL support when the time comes. All the best.
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Post by M2G on Oct 26, 2017 12:33:48 GMT -5
I don't share because it makes me feel ashamed, less than a man, and I am afraid of ridicule - now, I would never think that of any of you, but for me it's a hard bite-back on the tongue because I just feel completely useless as a human being at times.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 26, 2017 12:37:04 GMT -5
"I don't share because it makes me feel ashamed, less than a man, and I am afraid of ridicule"
Do you feel that way because your close friends and relatives usually ridicule you when you tell them things that hurt or bother you? If that's the case, then it's time to make friends who are supportive. When I developed friendships with really nice people, I got the support I needed even if they themselves hadn't been in a SM. They still cared about the fact that my spouse was ignoring my needs. Before developing such friendships, I was in relationships in which I basically was the givers, and friends -- and relatives -- were takers. When I learned to recognize that dynamic and befriend people who really were friends, my life changed. I also was able to let go of the people who weren't supports, and develop friendships with people who were supports. Doing these things led to my being able to let go of my marriage in which I was the giver, he was the taker.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 26, 2017 13:23:07 GMT -5
It's nice to have support. Honestly (and I could be wrong about this because I do not have children but) I wonder what parent wouldn't want their child to be happy? I can't fathom that. If your child is not acting "self destructive" (ie. drugs, alcohol, abuse) what parent wouldn't support decisions that bring happiness and fulfillment to their children? I ask because I know some. A woman I know brow beat her son because he wanted to take a job out of state. I got on her bad side when I told her "Maybe your 27 yo son can make his own decisions." She then stopped speaking to me. So I count that as a win. (If I knew it was so easy....) So, I am glad that you got that support Dan, and I hope you can support your children as unconditionally as well. My mom was afraid that if the divorce went badly she would never see her grandchildren. She also worried about the effect on the grandchildren. Now that things are going OK post-divorce, she is worried that if my ex finds out about my relationship with ballofconfusion it will cause the ex to go crazy and not let her see the kids. Mom needs to understand that my ex cannot keep the kids from me without being in violation of the divorce decree. If my ex were to do that, I would take her to court, and the judge would not look kindly on such behavior. But moms worry. Mine is no exception.
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