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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 10, 2020 23:21:41 GMT -5
Oftentimes - having started on a self esteem recovery program - the difficulty is in continuing it onward .... to remain consistent and predictable in your responses and build a new history of what you'll cop, and what you won't. But once you do that (build a history of assertiveness) the trajectory of your relationship will change, that's guaranteed. However, what you don't know is what that change will be, although you can be pretty sure that at least short term things will probably get rather lively. But if your responses / choices are fully informed and made on the basis of what is in your longer term best interests, then you can't go too far wrong. My abusive ex hated that I started to work on my self esteem and boundaries. It meant he was losing his control over me. whilst I’m a huge advocate of self improvement, my word of caution is to be very careful if your partner has ever been physically or verbally abusive in the past. Every time I tried to put a boundary down, it gave him licence to increase his tactics and manipulation. I made the mistake of trying to stick to some boundaries which ultimately led to him assaulting me. So, if you have any history of abuse, please seek professional help to just get out safely. Then you can practice your new assertiveness skills with healthy people. sadly, abusive people are likely to escalate if they think they are losing their power. The only way to safely stand up to them is to leave them. keep working on yourselves but stay safe.
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 3, 2020 10:44:37 GMT -5
As I was writing a post just now, I was thinking about how important self esteem is. i don’t know if others are the same but I stayed for YEARS too long because I had no self esteem. It was ripped away from me through years of living in a sexless and LOVELESS marriage. I thought it was my fault. I wasn’t good enough, kind enough, pretty enough, thin enough etc etc. I mean, what man doesn’t want to kiss or have sex? I had decided I must have been a troll. But I now know it wasn’t my fault and the biggest thing that helped me was to regain my self esteem, to learn to love myself enough to realise that I am an ok human being. It has helped me cope with shitty bosses and disagreements with friends. No longer am I a mouse who will take whatever shit people give me. (I can feel a post about healthy boundaries coming.....) So, whatever your situation it strikes me that building your own self esteem has got to be a good thing. So nice to hear from you again!! Your post got me to thinking about self esteem, and self confidence, especially the part about shitty bosses and disagreements. I want to add another branch to that. After my divorce I have been with a woman who does have much confidence in her sexual/intimacy role. ( she also had years of a SM with a narc) Where she needs 'help' is her codependency and willingness to make others happy at her expense. I am trying to not be a knight on a white horse again, but i find my confidence much higher than it was during my devastating SM. I encourage her to not be manipulated, to say no, to walk away, (um.. yes.. to have boundaries! LOL!) and to not be ashamed to ask questions! Instead I have had to ask her " you agreed with that but do you even know what that means? Have you ever seen that ? Have you ever been there? (She was raised in Italy and her english is a bit broken at times) just ask, what is that, I don't know what you said". I have to do that with her ,often. It's my way of letting her know, what you are saying is important to me, I want to understand it fully. That is more important than me needing to pretend that I'm listening, when I barely understood it! My ex would give me her flimsy excuse of " I listen to you" when in reality she would put her book /computer down for a second ,respond with " ugh-hugh" and go right back to her book/computer. Thank God those days are over!! It has taken me a while too - I always want everyone else to have their needs met at my own expense. But I have practised and found saying no quite liberating sometimes. I have re-evaluated friendships and my job. And my new partner is lovely. He will ask me what I really want to do/where to go because he knows I will default to his choice. And I’m getting braver at asking for what I want without fear of belittlement - even in the bedroom. Living with a controlling ex took my voice but with time and patience from others it is coming back.
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 3, 2020 10:38:13 GMT -5
Good idea, but how does one get their self-esteem back? I could use the tip. Mine has been gone for awhile. I wonder if I could even get a girlfriend ever again if I got separated. I’ve even gone as far as thinking how big of a down and out woman would go for a guy like me. Oh i thought exactly the same as you. I thought I was on the scrap heap. I have no magic answer but maybe you could start by reconnecting with some of the hobbies and friends you used to enjoy. Educate yourself through here and try to believe it’s nothing to do with you. It’s how being in an SM gets you - I stayed because I thought no one would want me. What I needed to understand was that I needed to leave for myself not for a new relationship. Being single but not rejected every day helped to build me up gradually. And remember it’s not really about sex or attractiveness. It’s about being open and honest with each other. I think most refusers get good at not wanting intimacy in any form. It leaves us feeling very alone. Keep taking baby steps.
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 3, 2020 6:27:23 GMT -5
As I was writing a post just now, I was thinking about how important self esteem is. i don’t know if others are the same but I stayed for YEARS too long because I had no self esteem. It was ripped away from me through years of living in a sexless and LOVELESS marriage. I thought it was my fault. I wasn’t good enough, kind enough, pretty enough, thin enough etc etc. I mean, what man doesn’t want to kiss or have sex? I had decided I must have been a troll.
But I now know it wasn’t my fault and the biggest thing that helped me was to regain my self esteem, to learn to love myself enough to realise that I am an ok human being. It has helped me cope with shitty bosses and disagreements with friends. No longer am I a mouse who will take whatever shit people give me. (I can feel a post about healthy boundaries coming.....)
So, whatever your situation it strikes me that building your own self esteem has got to be a good thing.
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 3, 2020 6:13:18 GMT -5
Welcome to the forum. Keep reading. And take the information a bit at a time. You will have lots of epiphanies as you realise you’re not alone in your feelings. good luck.
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 3, 2020 5:49:30 GMT -5
I love popping back here to remind myself of how lucky I am now to be out. I found this forum 3 years ago over Christmas time and it certainly changed my life in so many ways. I finally had people who understood what I was going through and it opened my eyes to what a shitty marriage I had. i left in March 2017 (my 4th attempt) and with some fantastic support from on here, friends and counsellors I finally got out! i get better year on year - I felt happier within weeks of leaving despite a horrible divorce from a narcissist and his even more narcissistic mother. It takes time to unpick everything and work through the feelings of guilt, grief and readjustment. So, wherever you are in the process of being stuck in an SM/deciding to leave Or stay/having left, my advice is to BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Take baby steps and build yourself up to be the best version of you that you can be. And.....keep reading this forum, it truly is a lifesaver.... Also....I have also found love again. I am so grateful every day that I made it out, and even more grateful that endthegame eventually made it out. He has shown me what a proper, kind, loving man is like and how easy a ‘normal’ relationship can be. We plan to grow old disgracefully together. Three years ago I felt like my life was over, but only once I left did I become free to love myself no matter what shit life throws my way. And boy, EVERYTHING is easier without a dysfunctional partner holding me back! and for the record my teenage kids are calmer and happier. Any guilt I felt on their behalf was misguided. They are definitely better than living with an unhappy mother and dysfunctional father.
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Post by richfairy72 on Jul 21, 2019 5:15:03 GMT -5
Oh yes, this is horribly familiar. My H once overlooked the fact that I had viral meningitis and bacterial pneumonia. I ‘looked okay’ apparently. Okay enough to be admitted straight to critical care. That was 13 years ago and today he is mystified why I wish to move on without him. This strikes a chord....my ex stepped over me to go to the gym whilst I was crawling on the floor in agony with a slipped disc to get breakfast for our son. Oh and often conveniently ignored me having a bad chest infection/migraine/hospitalised with mastitis.....I was still expected to cook his tea. I think many of us have similar stories.....we are invisible to them....a piece of furniture...... My cure for this was to leave .....and my ex is still puzzled as to why!!
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Nice
Jul 21, 2019 5:07:40 GMT -5
sadkat likes this
Post by richfairy72 on Jul 21, 2019 5:07:40 GMT -5
Okaaay. Nice, it is a word bandied around here and seems to have several meanings depending on who is using it. Nice can mean trying to please someone and from a male point of view, a sexual tactic. Nice seems to be a sexual tactic that creeps a lot of women out. It is also a unintentional cruel tactic used by women,hoping the guy will get the message and go, but trying to be nice about it. Nice can be passive and passive aggressive. Nice can be a tactic used by men kicked in the teeth by women and not wanting the repeat. Nice guys come last. When does nice stop being nice and enter the creep zone? Here in the UK the word is always followed by, "it/he was nice..... But." Women know the difference between aggressive and assertive, it seems us guys don't and opt for nice instead. Can one unlearn nice? My life was an attempt to be nice and I guess I came last. Being a nice personality (ie, kind considerate and loving) does not mean allowing other people to walk over you. I am still practising having healthy boundaries with friends, colleagues and my kids. I mistakenly thought that being nice meant putting my own needs aside for everyone else. I have learnt I can still prioritise my needs whilst being kind to others.....it just means I gradually feel less put-upon. I have been too nice, literally a walk over, for too long but I refuse to change my innate personality of being kind and compassionate to others. Not sure that makes sense but it is something that took a long time for me to be at peace with ....I felt angry that I felt walked all over because I'm nice.....I'm still working on this. Oh and gradually I am surrounding myself with non toxic people. That helps too!
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Post by richfairy72 on Jul 21, 2019 4:51:14 GMT -5
"Compatibility and Chemistry in Relationships" by Mark Manson Finding the right combination of chemistry and compatibility can be challenging. Understanding how they work together is key because, in the end, it’s worth it. markmanson.net/compatibility-and-chemistry Read this, watch the video or do both. Brilliant video. Totally nails it. I wish I'd have known this year's ago. My ex husband was compatible on paper but totally no chemistry. I imagine most people on this forum are in similar situations. Don't waste your life stuck in a miserable relationship.... if you don't have the chemistry it's not love. Life's too short to waste in a relationship that doesn't make you feel happy. Maybe it's worth reposting this link as a new thread on the main forum....May help clarify things for those still working things out
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Post by richfairy72 on Apr 11, 2019 13:30:09 GMT -5
Sadly my ring removal was one of the triggers for his assault. I had decided to take it off to show him I was serious that the marriage was over. Ironically, He had stopped wearing his years ago....in fact, looking back he used to try to hide my existence to his friends and workmates. Probably to enable him to triangulate a new target. I love the field trip to Mordor idea! However, I think I will sell mine and go on a lovely trip somewhere.
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Post by richfairy72 on Apr 10, 2019 17:52:35 GMT -5
Yes so true. And I'm still finding the need to have strong boundaries with my ex as I still have contact because of the kids. Sadly he still tries to keep up his abuse, financial, emotional and social and to push against any boundary I try to enforce.
The weird thing is that the more emotional and physical distance between us, the easier it is to put a firm boundary down. I think its a gradual process of disconnection which is hard. But I realised one day I literally didn't give a fuck about his games any more.
One caveat to this is, if like me setting the boundary of leaving is likely to set off aggressive behaviour then please seek support before doing so, to keep yourself safe. There's nothing more annoying to a narcissist than them losing their control over you....
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Post by richfairy72 on Apr 8, 2019 8:22:55 GMT -5
Starting on Jan 3, 2017, Sister richfairy72 has contributed 9 threads showing how she moved from her initial starting point to here and now. It is a powerful narrative and I would urge any newbie (or oldbie for that matter) to read her threads from start to finish. Congratulations Sister richfairy72 . Have just been re-reading your threads - hell of a trip you had. Thanks Baza, you're right, hell of a trip but so worth it. I've just looked back at my old threads and I hardly recognize myself. Knowledge is definitely power, and like many others I wonder why I put up with it for so long!!!!
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Post by richfairy72 on Apr 7, 2019 19:08:24 GMT -5
So, finally, my divorce was granted on April 1st.... It's taken just over 2 years, and a lot of effort...but I'm finally a completely free woman. I'm delighted. There was a momentary pang of sadness but it passed in a flash.....I've overcome so much to get here....but I'm not looking back. I thank my lucky stars every day that I have my life back and I know I have a positive future ahead of me, full of laughter and happiness, and literally, no dickheads allowed. My first job......to plan my freedom party and invite all my friends who have got me through this.
And the thing that started this all off for me was finding this forum....and someone posting the words 'it isn't you, it never was'.......it literally has saved my life.
My only wise words to those teetering on the edge of leaving is, if you can, just do it. You won't regret it. Life is too short to waste on a person who doesn't love and appreciate you. X
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Post by richfairy72 on Mar 4, 2019 17:52:53 GMT -5
Interestingly I just came across this video about how a narcissist views love. Not all refusers are narcissistic but I reckon many of them don't feel love as we might. An interesting watch anyway...
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Post by richfairy72 on Mar 2, 2019 19:14:20 GMT -5
From experience it felt like standing on the edge of a cliff waiting to jump,without any clue how things would pan out. I stood looking over that edge for years until I found this site, too terrified to jump. The information and support of knowing I was not alone actually meant that when I jumped, apart from a few bumps, I actually found that I didn't fall but started to fly. And in the end, the hardest part was the years spent frozen in fear. The reality is much less scary than I thought. My advice is to find out as much as you can, talk to people who understand, and work on yourself till you can decide with confidence which path to take.
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