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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 12, 2017 10:48:59 GMT -5
A maid, cook, the status of being married, double income. Totally agree. And full time access to the kids
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 6, 2017 17:54:55 GMT -5
I agree. If you truly love your partner, then you would openly talk about the issues and try and work them out. As the old saying says, it's not the receiving of gifts that gives pleasure, it's the giving. Of course every relationship has ups and downs, but I feel any difficulties can be worked out by open and honest communication.
Maybe I am in cloud cuckoo land.
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 1, 2017 17:33:28 GMT -5
Wow, greatcoastal that is fab! It just shows what we can do if we try.....
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 1, 2017 12:14:20 GMT -5
Hi. So today I am having an emotional crisis, but I am determined not to 'share' it with my H, hence I thought a vent on here might help (please ignore it if it is a bit whingey!!!.... I have been today for the first session with a counsellor, arranged by my work to help with my recent diagnosis of ME/Chronic fatigue. I was really going just to tick the box to say I had been, but when she asked about my home life, I just ended up blurting out the whole sad state of affairs in my SM. I think the poor woman was a bit stunned, but then she was fantastic - She basically was ups e t on my behalf for all t he shit I have had happen to me, then she quietly said that she thinks I am in an abusive marriage and that I should contact a local helpline urgently.
Now, I have started realising that some of my h's behaviours have been pretty shit, and that there could be an element of manipulation going on, but I have always blamed myself, and thought that because there is no violence or overt control issues, that 'abuse' is too strong a word. He just needs t o be in control and I thought he had mental health type difficulties and that I need to look after him. However, she has said (agreeing with close friends who I keep brushing aside their concerns) that he is PURPOSEFULLY manipulating me, and that he knows what he is doing, and that I need to seek help to exit. Since the appointment, I have felt a wreck, and am struggling not to totally break down. I feel like having someone listen to the full story and tell me directly what is happening has really hit a raw nerve. She even suggested that my ME symptoms could be as an indirect response of my body to having to be numb and keep plodding on for so long - basically my body is not playing ball any more.
Anyway, not sure even why I am sharing this or what I want, but I just feel very small and overwhelmed and have a feeling you nice people may understand..
And there was I in my first post saying everything's fine except for the sex!! Thanks to you guys, I am unpacking it all gradually - I think I am just a bit freaked out.....
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 1, 2017 11:42:04 GMT -5
Not so much fear, as Obligation (I made a promise-I have to keep it) and Guilt (how could you do that to me?) is what keeps me where I am. When my wife became aware of the emotional affair I was having 2 years ago, she made it quite clear she believed my only motivation for having the affair was to hurt her. (Nevermind the fact that I was hiding it from her) Anything I do that is outside of her expectations of me she perceives as a personal affront, and leads to "How could you do that to me???" So I watch my step and keep my mouth shut. Perhaps that qualifies as emotional blackmail, but I have to admit, I am my own worst enemy. Every day my mind constantly replays memories of stupid things I did and mistakes I made, even ones I made 40 years ago. When I am under the hammer of self-recrimination, its easy to think that I don't deserve a happy sex life, and that I should be glad for what I can get. So, I guess you can say I am emotionally blackmailing myself too. Wow, LITW, you took the words from my mouth! I am realising I have put myself down for years - feeling I don't deserve better. You do deserve better, and remember, everyone makes mistakes. Don't beat yourself up about them, you are only human..... now I need to believe this myself!!!
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 29, 2017 14:46:47 GMT -5
Just to say, even to have one orgasm per session would be a treat. Sadly even that is a rare occurrence.....
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 29, 2017 14:40:11 GMT -5
This goes back to the very beginning when we started dating... 1. She was always one and done * 2. Never morning sex, ever 3. She had a script, and rarely wanted to deviate 4. Never outside the bedroom 5. Never wanted to cuddle afterward (at least not after a couple months of dating I think, never during the marriage 6. Never wanted to spoon asleep (this would send me running now-huge flag) 7. Always refused to sleep naked - even in the beginning 8. As soon as she moved in, she resisted more. Then the engagement, slowed again. All prep for sexlessness day after wedding 9. Never once gave me a BJ to completion. Or a hand job. ** 10. At every stage before the marriage, she gave me just enough sex to keep me in the game. See also #8 * This is one for the ladies to comment on. I always gave her oral, and she liked it, and she always came. But never ever, not once, let me give her a 2nd oral O. She said she was "too sensitive". But she would immediately want me to fuck her, when she would try to get another O. I never understood why she was too sensitive for a 2nd oral O but was up for immediate penetration. ** - this I now understand was fundamental to her extreme selfishness. If she wasn't in a position for PIV, she would never consider getting me off in any way. I guess because there was nothing in it for her. The problem I see, as I did my post mortem... were there these red flags? Sure. But now imagine the scene when I'm breaking up and I have to give her a reason. "Well, you're a one and done and I can't live with that". OR... "I'm breaking up because you never seem interested in morning sex". See #10: she knew how to play me, and give me just enough sex to keep me in the game, and no more. If I invented a time machine, I think I would go back to the day before the wedding and just shoot my past self and put myself out of my misery . As an added bonus I would test that time travel paradox thing OMG, she would really suit my husband. Maybe we should all put our refuser spouses together, they would quite like it! As for me, red flags galore. But especially disappointing was my 30th birthday. Lovely romantic hotel looking over Cardiff bay. A quick 2 minute job, as he was desperate to get to the gym. Come to think of it, even the wedding night felt like a chore (he had to order a cheese sandwich before even looking at me, how romantic)
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 27, 2017 19:22:27 GMT -5
To me marriage should be the coming together in mind and body of 2people, who commit to always trying to meet each other's needs and look after each other. Ideally they should have no secrets, but be able to trust them not to hurt each other.
Love, I think, is the feeling you get when you are with someone, you think about them always, and you want to make them happy. You get pleasure out of finding out what they like and the sense that you are important to them.
Sorry, all a bit romantic and waffly!!
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 26, 2017 18:25:24 GMT -5
Wow !!! I did not know I was going to get this many respondences. Thank you everyone for your advice as well as experiences. My favourite would be BBGirl, But reading through all of the post the consensus would be to cheat on a SM is still cheating, it is justifiable yes. I have not cheated on my spouse, Do I want to (NO) Have I thought about it (Awbsafrickenlutey) Do I want to hurt him (NO) Has he hurt me (YES) I miss the intimacy Long and short I know that I will cheat at one point, I have been on sites like AM putting myself out their, think to just find out if I was still disable to other men I needed that ego boost I guess . But I would never cheat with the guys on there, My reasons for cheating are different from (I am just board). I have found out a couple of things about myself along that road. Someone asked me what turns me on ? I used to know that, I thought about it for days (Sad to say I don't remember) How do you forget something like that ? I also realized that I cannot think of my spouse when I am alone (My body gets started then shuts down) Just like whats happens to him the maybe three time a year that we do have sex (only because I have to have the talk with him why I need sex) Just makes me more frustrated in the end mostly because I feel that it is pity or obligation sex. where as before he would see it through now that is not the case. What I do know is that this whole thing is playing havoc on me, just not mentally but physically as well. Why I still love this man I have no clue. Has he broken our contract of our vows yes he has Bottom Line is Yes I am confused, I would love for him to snap out of it ! Throw me down on the bed rip all my cloths off and well I don't need to finish that sentence you know how that ends lol. I know it is not going to happen, as much as I would like it to. I am not trying to justify why I should cheat, like I said I do not want to, but I do have a human need. I can so relate to this. It is confusing. However, I think this forum has helped me to give up chasing an impossible dream. I feel mentally calmer, but still have a way to go before I work out my next step xx
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 26, 2017 18:12:57 GMT -5
I've given up even having fantasies - they just remind me of what I am missing! Now I think of it though, I used to tell him things I'd like to do to him - but he never said anything back. I guess I gave up. I mean, I don't have any idea w hat he desires or wishes for as he has never said.
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 26, 2017 18:01:23 GMT -5
One of our members was organized enough to keep score on a calendar. After the usual gaslighting he produced the calendar. She then berated him for keeping score. Nope, there is never any validation of any of this. Oh my god, I did keep track for a while last year, to prove how infrequent it was. Then I was accused of point scoring and keeping tabs. We just can't win. We are unreasonable whatever we do.....
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 10, 2017 14:13:15 GMT -5
If he actually said that, it's over. He's gay. I have wondered. But then why stay with me - I have given him an exit card so many times. I think he is confused. That makes 2 of us.....
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 6, 2017 13:40:39 GMT -5
Are you sure it wasn't my husband? He is exactly the same. Then I feel as if I'm being inappropriate with him, or pushy, till i remember I am his wife and it is what normal couples would do!! And what I don't get, is if it's because he has low self esteem then surely puzzling up to him should feel a compliment!!
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 5, 2017 14:39:48 GMT -5
richfairy72 , if you haven't researched "gaslighting" you need to do that. Because the gaslighting here is just surreal. And from that, research the personality types that gaslight Oh my god, you have just given me a total eye-opener. I think he is gaslighting me. This seems so accurate - I had no idea. I didn't think he could be so manipulative. SHIT. Thank you so much, I need to do some researching.......
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 4, 2017 14:20:50 GMT -5
Not sure if this is going to sound unbelievable, or just another example of what too many here understand as extreme avoidance... I typically start to get ready for bed around 10-10:30, my routine is to always have a good book and read a chapter or 2 before nodding off. Usually up at dawn/first light (especially when I was commuting 1.5 hrs each way to a highly stressful job for the last 20+ years). Kinda normal stuff so far... I fully get that people like their 'alone time' and my wife likes to spend hers until 1-2am (she usually falls asleep on the couch, then gets up to bed 2-2:30). Of course, this means she would then like to sleep until 9am or after, effectively zeroing-out any chance for intimacy, or just being awake in bed together. This would seem reasonable to me if it were a few times/week, and even somewhat understandable if it were 4-5 nights/week. However, (and here's the 'believe it or not' part) this behavior happens 360+ nights/year and has been the standard for well over 10 years now. I got so many excuses about this pattern ever since I started complaining about intimacy issues, the lack of frequency of any sex - and the utter lack of initiating anything playfully. Having brought this up numerous times, with our therapists and directly - she's in denial - saying I'm exaggerating, it's not done on purpose, it's my way to have some control, she's busy with projects, etc., etc., etc... Has anyone ever heard of this type of avoidance that has clearly created a SM just based on sleeping patterns? Of course, there's much more to our story, but this single aspect is infuriating to me for the simple reality of it - and also due to the extreme avoidance of any introspection as to the impact this alone has had on our marriage and taking some type of ownership about it.
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