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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 21, 2019 17:57:14 GMT -5
Fantastic news!! Enjoy your freedom 😃
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 18, 2019 10:43:17 GMT -5
I was terrified of being single. Hence staying for way too long....However it has been the best thing for me. If you are in an abusive marriage, being free beats it hands down every time. It has been hard at times, and I had to work on myself a lot. My advice would be to use your support network of friends/family who understand. And relish every little thing you can do without the misery of daily rejection....
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 18, 2019 10:33:32 GMT -5
Having an affair, outsourcing, cheating, whatever you want to call it, invariably is a game changer. The trouble is that it can change the game in very random and unpredictable fashion, most of which you have no control over. You see stories in here where - The ILIASM member got caught and the spouse initiated a divorce. The ILIASM member got caught and the spouse has made their life a living hell since. The ILIASM member met the soulmate and that necessitated ending the primary relationship. The ILIASM member's exposure to a normal sexual relationship revealed just what a shithole their marriage was. If you are going to go down this highly adventurous road, it is best to prepare like you were planning for a divorce, because that is highly likely to be your end destination one way or another - either by your choice, or your angry spouse's choice. And, that is not necessarily such a bad outcome....but it is best to "manage" the situation as best you can as it plays out. It spurred me on to push for the separation I had tried to instigate before but had given up through lack of self esteem. I would second the advice to avoid some of the uncertainties I came upon....be sure you really want to get out and plan for that BEFORE you embark on an affair. AND Baza's advice I previously read.....leaving has to stand up on its own....you need to leave for YOU. Not for anyone else. My leaving was a bit messy, but I don't regret it 2 years down the line....
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 17, 2019 18:27:39 GMT -5
Brilliant article. I can relate to reasons 1 and 2 for sure. I would say that meeting someone else opened my eyes to just how dead and toxic my marriage was, as well as giving me new courage and hope that there could be a different future for me. I had given up and thought it was all my fault. I was shown that I was still attractive to a man and how a relationship could be.
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 17, 2019 3:45:27 GMT -5
From my experience, Baza is right. I found out that until I left and re-discovered my true self, I wasn't in a place to meet anyone else. For me, being single, free and sexless far outweighs the misery of my abusive SM. But I suspect if my ex had been reasonable and not abusive I may well have chosen to stay. Acceptance of the situation is key, as is self awareness. And loving yourself enough to be happy whatever your choice is.
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 15, 2019 18:56:33 GMT -5
Thank You for the update. An inspirational story and one that gives hope for a happier future to us all. It's great so many people check in now and again.
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 14, 2019 13:25:28 GMT -5
I believe I joined Dec 28th 2016 but lurked for a month or so before that. In case anyone doesn't know my story, I separated from my ex husband in March 2017. This forum literally saved my life. It transpired I had lived with emotional (and ultimately physical) abuse for 24 years. I have gone from strength to strength. Was it easy? NO!!! but with a lot of support and work on my self esteem, I am in such a better place. In fact, I need to occasionally look back on my old posts to remind me how bad things were.
Not sure how this fits in with Baza's stats but I think I could be classed as a forum success story.
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 8, 2019 17:58:50 GMT -5
For me, it was the realisation that it wasn't just the sex that was missing. It was the connection shown in a million tiny ways that just wasn't there. I'm now with someone who blows me away regularly with things others would not even notice. ...making me a drink, carrying a heavy bag, putting my rain-soaked things out to dry, the kiss on the forehead, reaching out for my hand, squeezing my leg, a hand on my back but it was our first meeting that sticks in my mind. ..he simply stroked my arm, I stroked his hand and it blew me away.
So yes, it's it definitely is the little things......
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Post by richfairy72 on Oct 30, 2018 16:13:36 GMT -5
I pretty much think I'll change my name back as soon as the divorce finally comes through. Don't want anything to link me to that dickhead any more. He tried to rip my soul out, and I want to be back to me again.....he thought he owned me. This will be the ultimate 2 fingers up at him......
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Post by richfairy72 on Sept 1, 2018 19:53:29 GMT -5
Elle. You will feel better. I had my heart broken by the man I thought was the love of my life 4 months ago. I thought I would never get over it. I'm still working on it but the first week was the worst. The pain will ease I promise. Corny as it sounds, I worked through this website, and it was actually a life saver for me.....worth a look. It helped me just get through each hour to start with. healmybrokenheart.comAnd crying is good....it helps to get it out. I sobbed until I had nothing left. Then sobbed some more. This website even explains why crying is good for you.... And yes, it's good we can love so deep. But I'm not sure I can trust someone with my heart again. I never want to go through heartbreak again....I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
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Post by richfairy72 on Sept 1, 2018 19:39:03 GMT -5
Out 16 months. So much better. Still single. Had my heart broken but still a million times better than living with daily rejection and lack of love. The fog has lifted and my health restored. Fab.
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Post by richfairy72 on Aug 31, 2018 14:31:09 GMT -5
The original post (and poll) could be read as regarding being in a new relationship as being the *ideal* result. I doubt that that was Brother @shynjdude 's intent, but it could be interpreted that way. But like Sister WindSister says - "Nothing wrong with being single". !Perhaps if the poll had asked - "For People Who Have Been Out Of Their ILIASM Deal For At Least A Year".... Are you - (a) - in a better place than you were whilst in your ILIASM deal (b) - in a worse place than you were in your ILIASM deal To me, THAT'S the question. Whether you are in a relationship now, or what sex you are does not seem particularly relevant, to me. In fact, I'll go further. If you are judging your metric of "success" upon nowadays being in a relationship, you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt. An example. I've known Sister WindSister for at least 5 years. Her growth as a person has been phenomenal. She's sorted so much of her shit out, and continues to challenge her thinking, continues to strive to be a better person still. Drops the ball now and then (like we all do) and then picks it up and has another go. She presents as a terrific person, and her run of stories is a tale of success as she's grown. It is a big success story in my opinion. Co-incidently, nowadays, she is in a great relationship. Her relationship did not make her into the well rounded individual she is today. She made herself into this well rounded individual by hard work. With very little instant gratification or reward. The benefits kicked in later. In this case, the achievement of becoming the authentic WindSister was a huge HUGE success. On top of that (or perhaps what the authentic WindSister presented as being was very attractive to people) a great relationship came her way as a bonus on top. Yes, someone put Baz's survey up.....he is right....totally a more relevant question!!!!
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Post by richfairy72 on Aug 16, 2018 17:26:02 GMT -5
It just became another day in the end....and I don't really remember ever having sex on our anniversary. The year I realised the marriage had died was when he CHOSE to spend the evening with another woman.
This year, I've just had my second wedding anniversary post separation. I didn't even register what day it was until at least lunchtime, then just thought 'oh', and carried on with my day.....shows what an improvement a year can make, last year I cried.....
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Post by richfairy72 on Aug 16, 2018 4:12:36 GMT -5
Hi, I'm late joining this thread, but it has brought up so many interesting topics. My thoughts, in no particular order: 1. Money does not make you happy. I have come out of my dysfunctional marriage taking the financial burden from my abusive ex, who still uses finances to punish me (not a penny of child maintenance, I bought him out of the house, he has no job on purpose, he is trying to get his hands on my pension, the list goes on....), BUT my health and happiness are worth so much more than money. 2.decent prospective partners won't care about money. It sounds a little like how I felt.....the FEAR of the future was holding me back from leaving. Working on myself and my self esteem helped me to realise I can hold out for someone who truly cherishes me. I deserve no less,c and that does not include money.... 3. You can't force them to be physically into you.....I tried EVERYTHING. Being sexy (led to humiliation), refusing (he liked that), talking about it, not talking about it.....ultimately, he preferred his fleshlight, or porn....that took a lot to overcome in my own self esteem. 4. Unkind rejection....'why would I want to have sex with you?' Loving partners don't talk like that...that is downright hurtful. 5. Refusing counselling......mine tried, but manipulated the whole thing to make me sound like a crazy, sex-obssesed madwoman. I put up with things for a year after that (he did reset every 6 weeks just to keep things ticking over). When I suggested counselling again, he point blank refused. I went alone.....my counsellor talked me through this....If ONE party is not willing to try to solve such a major issue as a lack of intimacy, then THEY ARE BREAKING THE MARRIAGE CONTRACT.....it takes two WILLING partners to make it work, and if one isn't willing to try, then the marriage is as good as over, end of. 6. The religious stance.....yes God hates divorce. But he hates abuse even more. He also wants people to have fulfilling happy relationships....and marriages that include sex are part of that....I may do another post on this.
Sorry, all a bit disjointed, but just my thoughts. I feel everyone's torment, I stuck it out for way too many years, hoping for an improvement, my fear holding me back. It made me ill. Don't feel guilty for wanting a whole, intimate marriage, its what you deserve. And, personally, being alone is so much better than living with the daily rejection, not just of sex, but of intimacy and open communication. Living free of that is amazing, and worth more than any money could give me.
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Post by richfairy72 on Aug 15, 2018 13:23:46 GMT -5
Personally I feel that choosing to stay is valid for so many reasons. I chose to stay and try to make it work for a long time, but the sad reality is that is takes two WILLING partners to make it work. I made the mistake of assuming he was trying as hard as I was - at the expense of my health and well-being.
Choosing to stay and accept things without any of your needs being met is not the same as two people who basically love each other mutually agreeing to willingly try and make it a workable relationship. If choosing to stay is best for you, please make sure you work on yourself to make sure the situation is not damaging you. Of course, if your partner turns out to be mentally or physically abusive, like mine turned out to be, then please seek help and leave as safely as you can....
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