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Post by richfairy72 on Aug 14, 2018 17:59:44 GMT -5
Yes, it is possible and fairly probable. Like Caris, I have been told by a domestic abuse counsellor that I have had CPTSD. In the UK it's not widely recognised by the medical profession....(some statistics show that up to 70% of survivors of abuse have symptoms) but it's basically where you are subjected to on going emotional trauma or 'walking on eggshells' it causes physical changes to your central nervous system, and can cause many problems...I think my m.e./cfs was a result.
You can have many triggers, sometimes little things other people wouldn't notice can set off trauma symptoms. Also, I had normal PTSD after the assault. I had blanked it out at the time (dissociation), but it suddenly came flooding back months later at church unexpectedly. Therapy helps, but also, be kind to yourself, you're not weak, or dysfunctional. It's just your brain unpacking years of stuff. I have also found noting down triggers has helped, as I can work through the feelings and rationalise them. And remember it wasn't your fault, you didn't deserve any of it. You WILL feel better, as you heal and recover.
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Post by richfairy72 on Aug 13, 2018 17:28:30 GMT -5
Hot. Humid. Month from hell. 17 Aug 1990 Lost my dear mommy. Became the gloomiest kid in school. 9 Aug 2003 Tied the knot (perhaps a bit too tight) 6 Aug 2011 Last s time I ever, ever, ever had any sex. 8 Aug 2011 Admitted to a mental hospital (Whoa that was quick... well not really if you think about it...) 9 Aug 2011 Celebrating the anniversary alone in the psych ward. ~15 Aug 2011 Released for good behavior/med compliance. Spent the rest of August and part of September home alone as W was afraid to be with me after dark. 9 Aug 2017 W forgot the anniversary. I didn’t make a big deal about it. 9 Aug 2018 W forgot the 15th anniversary. I went to bed determined to call the lawyer the next morning. 10 Aug 2018 Met the day with a not-so-peaceful-easy-feeling. Once I had the house to myself, I went out to the car to retrieve my little “hope chest” (metal lockbox containing some divorce forms/info and $800.00 cash) from its hiding place under the seat... AND ITS NOT THERE!!! Now, I can’t be sure if it was stolen or if I relocated it and forgot (haven’t touched it in a while), but I interrogated the girls and I checked the W’s usual hiding places... nothing! By this time, a mountain of anxiety and a truckload of second-guessing put a halt on my planned phone call. 11 Aug 2018 I woke up the next morning still tied up in a ball. W gets up and I can’t stand the fake facade any longer. I ask her if she remembers what day Thursday was. Once she figures it out I give her the “I can’t take this anymore” speech. Long story short: Were going to try counseling again. Now I know what you’re going to say, and you know what I’m going to say: Snowball’s chance in hell/but I gotta try this one more time. Also, I’m realizing I’m not emotionally ready to split up the family yet. But I can’t stand turning this shit over in my head day in/day out while she prances around here thinking everything’s fine. Happy Monday! I should be working. You will leave when you're ready mentally to take the leap....or until things get so bad you can't take another day. And it helps to know you've done everything in your power to try.. Good to be trying counselling, but be clear about what improvements you want to see, and don't be hard on yourself.
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Post by richfairy72 on Aug 13, 2018 17:25:28 GMT -5
I have talked to my boys- sort of feeling them out. They are both aware we have issues. And they both think we will get divorced. I was shocked. Kids always know Yep, the kids pretty much always know. They see the separate beds, the lack of touch and the dysfunctional communication. Mine were fed up with the bad atmosphere. My 15 year old actually told me recently it's the best thing I've done, to get away from an abusive situation. My 12 year old said he feels better away from the bad feelings. They have both taken it in their stride....they can see I am so much happier, better and free. The only issues seem to be from the years spent living in a dysfunctional situation. So actually, I would look back at my old self and tell her to do us all a favour and get out sooner! I work in a school, and it's the kids stuck with a situation they can't explain or control that are messed up....especially if one parent is controlling. Every situation is different, but think very carefully about 'staying together for the kids'.....they may grow up to wonder why you stayed so long
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Post by richfairy72 on Jul 28, 2018 18:43:13 GMT -5
Fantastic story flashjohn. It's amazing how many of us thought it was 'just the sex' when it turns out our partners were abusive.
Not a day goes by when I don't thank my lucky stars for getting out. Thanks to some good friends' support and all of you guys on here.
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Post by richfairy72 on Jul 25, 2018 11:30:56 GMT -5
I used to post a lot about my sexless marriage. I have been divorced now for several years. 🎉😁 Since my divorce, I have put up with continued bs bc of custody/visitation, you name it. Turns out my x is a narcissist! I have done a lot of reading up on narcissists (because we are surrounded by them shockingly enough!) It turns out there are several sexual styles of narcissists. One is hypersexuality, and the other is A-sexuality. Just say no to narcissists! CHOO CHOO!! 🤠 Oh, welcome to the club. I had NO idea mine was an abusive narcissist. Just thought I was fat, ugly and needy. Turns out it was him that had the problem. Have now spent 18 months being subjected to his games. Every one is a confirmation that I did the right thing......
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Post by richfairy72 on Jul 24, 2018 18:53:20 GMT -5
I think you will find Sister choosinghappy , that as time goes by, you will unearth confirmation after confirmation that leaving was the right thing. And, there'll be the odd thing that comes up that might get you wistfully thinking - "pity it had to turn out that way" - as well. What I can just about guarantee you is that you will NOT be troubled by any thoughts of - "well that was a shit of a choice I made and I wish I was back in my ILIASM shithole". So true, Baza. I look back and know it was the BEST decision I ever made....... It takes time though. And courage to take the leap. Even then, it took me months to get to the point of being 100% sure I'd done the right thing. People kept telling me I'd be happier alone than in the bad marriage. I didn't believe them...I wish I had, because there is not one single thing that would ever make me go back. I am so much happier alone, not living with the daily rejection and toxicity. Weirdly, I don't even miss sex. It dominated my every thought at the time, the rejection,disappointment and pain daily. There is no price I can put on my freedom. Physically and emotionally. And i am so much better off alone than with an unloving man
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Post by richfairy72 on May 3, 2018 22:13:37 GMT -5
Being lonely but free beats being lonely in an SM every time for me. I know I still need to work on my own issues a little more, but a year on, I am calmer and better alone. You need to love and know yourself before you can truly move on. For the record, I have met someone who I thought was the love of my life. Sadly circumstances have got in the way, and I guess he didn't feel the same. But I still don't regret leaving a difficult marriage without intimacy of mind or body. I guess at least I can say that I AM attractive to someone else, I CAN love and be loved. Still little consolation to a broken heart, but I guess we are all works in progress, and at least being out of my SM allows me to LIVE! I will never let a man dictate my life again. So, if you're still in your SM, be kind to yourself....it messes with your head....don't feel you are beyond hope. That's no reason to accept a bad relationship.
I have found writing a list of how far I've come, and the positives in my life has helped me stop looking back. Nobody says it's an easy process, but freedom still tastes sweet.
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Post by richfairy72 on May 3, 2018 21:28:09 GMT -5
Out of interest, I'm wondering how much of this is a man/woman thing.....you can set me straight. most of my female friends (including me) have been honest and upfront, before having finances sorted and everything in place. Most men however, seem to want to get everything organised then spring papers on their unsuspecting wives and go. It seems most of my girl friends wanted to negotiate and go through things.....the men just seem to focus on the money every time, whether or not it hurts their partner's feelings. So, I guess I qualify for the whoops moment, as I just couldn't stand another day in the marriage, but didn't want to go behind his back and see lawyers before I'd discussed it with him. Yes it triggered off horrible events, but I still think I did the right thing......I learnt his true colours, and the nastiness has helped me truly disengage. I'd be interested to hear other perspectives. (Maybe the difference in uk/us law contributes?
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Post by richfairy72 on Apr 28, 2018 8:57:47 GMT -5
Really Brother @stalemate , everyone first joining here is at "staying". Over time, some people review their position, and some people, after brutally hard self examination, change their position. But everyone "starts" as a stayer. And, it takes you swallowing quite a few more shit sandwiches to get you seriously consider "not staying" and longer still to get your head around leaving. greatcoastal , shamwow , thebaffledking , nolongerlonely , Apocrypha - a handful of names for you. All "stayers" when they arrived. All have subsequently left their ILIASM shitholes. And me!! I found this forum thinking it would change my marriage. But the only change I was in control of was to leave. And, you're right, it throws up different problems. But the key is, after regaining proper clear thinking and steadier emotions, these problems are so easy to sort. There is nobody fucking your mind up any more, making every decision stressful or difficult. It's a huge, scary, bumpy journey, but focus on your goal.....ultimately to have calm and happiness, instead of angst and questioning. For some people, a positive decision to stay is valid, but Baz is right....it has to be whatever is best for you. And, having nearly reached the other end, I wish I'd done it sooner....BUT I can't change what is done. And all the shit has shaped who I now am. So,whether or not I find that new partner, I actually know I'm better off alone than with the WRONG person. And I understand myself so much better now that I Am Allowed to be who I want to be Keep Being the best You can be, wherever you are in the process.
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Post by richfairy72 on Apr 27, 2018 14:18:34 GMT -5
I guess we all need to remember that we shouldn't settle for second best, and we shouldn't believe the negative thoughts living in a sm brings up.....
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Post by richfairy72 on Apr 26, 2018 17:39:44 GMT -5
In answer to the question, my chronic fatigue is loads better.....no more walking on eggshells...
I've just looked at my first ever post on the forum. It started ' everything is fine, it's just the sex....' oh how wrong I was!!!!
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Post by richfairy72 on Apr 26, 2018 12:16:09 GMT -5
So I haven't posted on here for nearly a year for reasons I will explain, BUT I'm pleased to say I am now able to be in the 'post sm' section. I would just like to say that my exit has been messy and difficult but my main message is. ...get out whatever it takes! I know it's easier said than done, but I think the FOG holds us all too long. Trying to mend them, trying to excuse their behaviour, trying to change yourself hoping for a change, making yourself ill with trying.....the list goes on. Although I haven't posted on here, I read and read the information and advice. And a huge thanks to all on the community - I could not have done this without the help and advice on here.
So here's my story in a nutshell...
With my ex for 24 years, 17 married. Sex always a problem. No kissing no intimacy, totally vanilla on HIS terms. Thousands of excuses. He watches porn instead of sex with me. I was always thinking things would improve if x, y, z happens. I Had a brief affair after a year married, contemplated leaving. Affair ended, thought more about leaving for a few months, then i found i was pregnant with child 1 ( after what I now realise was a reset). Fast forward 7 years....another child but years of stress and difficulties, impossible communications. Child 1 diagnosed with aspergers syndrome. I start wondering. ....is my husband the same? Cue 2 years of reading and wondering, gradually feeling more confused and self esteem through the floor (after all, ALL men want sex, right? I must be disgusting to be rejected by my own husband....) Lots of difficult discussions, my old self gone, everything seems impossible. Cue pregnancy number 3. (I now realise this was all part of the game to keep me trapped). I terminated. Indescribable emotional pain but I KNEW I couldn't cope physically or mentally, nor could my kids. Reached out for emotional support from husband. .. so, he has an 'emotional' affair apparently because he was lonely and I was too busy dealing with the kids (first son attempted suicide at age 8 due to school stress, long story). Cue me losing the plot big time. Deep grief, depression and anxiety. Unable to cope but somehow get through. His arguments become sinister, i give up. His affair continues, I put an ultimatum down, he returns but refuses to talk it through. He carries on with affair before it fizzles out after 8 months. He leaves work, i becone main breadwinner. Still no discussion, just 2 years of him brooding, me getting more paranoid, less intimacy than ever. Then he has another affair. I was devastated but by now so numb I didn't know what to do. .....it fizzled after some dreadful arguments between us. Then I get diagnosed with chronic fatigue. I try everything, have counselling on my own, so does he. But he manipulates what his therapist says and uses it to embark on an online affair with a number of women and men....'she told me to open up to people' We try couples counselling. ...big disaster. Left it with them thinking I was psycho due to his twisting. I carry on trying for a few months then I FOUND THIS FORUM!!! what a lifesaver. I was not alone. Kind strangers reply to my posts saying 'it's not you'. I educate myself and realise the relationship is over. I build up the guts to try another discussion and suggest separation . Sadly by now his mask has slipped.....i get assaulted when he sees me typing messages on the forum. I decide to end it. Cue 3 months of abuse and stress but thankfully with amazing solicitor he gets kicked out of the house by a judge. My life unravelled BUT I survived. I have grown. I have realised IT WASN'T ME!!!! I'm attractive and worthy of a better life. And despite having to battle through fear, despair and uncertainty I can look back and say...IT WAS SO WORTH IT. I am free to decide my own life, I AM BETTER ALONE. I am HAPPY and CONFIDENT. yes actually happy, even without a partner or sex. I have recovered from m.e. and am starting to see a better future....
My advice from this.....don't stay because you fear the future....don't stay because you don't feel you deserve better..Don't stay because you feel you should. Don't try and mend a broken relationship if the other person won't try......they will never change. It's not your fault. Obviously not all refusers are abusive, every circumstance is different and kids and practicalities have to be planned out...... To add to that.....I asked my 15 and 12 year old if they ever feel that the divorce was their fault, as it wasn't. .. . My 15 year old said he feels guilty that I STAYED SO LONG FOR THEIR SAKES! !!! Anyway I'm sorry for the long post and im not sure it will help people. ...but always try and see the bigger picture and stop trying to mend the unmendable. .... Richfairy
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Post by richfairy72 on Mar 3, 2017 18:41:41 GMT -5
Specific to this ILIASM group, there is a major hurdle to clear BEFORE the search for these (many) people who would want you (and whom you would want). That hurdle is to get out of the ILIASM shithole you are in, so you can avail yourself of the opportunities available, unencumbered by anything. If you are currently in an ILIASM shithole, do you ever wonder what opportunities you have let by due to your unavailability ? What opportunities you haven't even seen because you were too busy "why chasing" your spouses issues ? What opportunities you saw, but didn't recognise because of the fog your brain is in because of the ILIASM shithole you are in ? What opportunity you passed on because of the belting to your self esteem that your ILIASM shithole has bestowed on you ? I think the guts of the book (as summarised by Sister WindSister - I haven't read it) has this pretty well right. It defies logic to think that in all the world, there'd only be ONE person who wanted you (and you wanted them). This is 'absolute' thinking at its' worst. Wow, baza, you hit the nail on the head. I can relate to the brain fog and self esteem issues....
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Post by richfairy72 on Mar 2, 2017 14:26:47 GMT -5
I have always said that nobody has a marriage like the one that I have. I have always thought it, and I still think it to this day. My marriage is one of dependence/co-dependence. We get along great most of the time, and are like roommates. "Sex" is completely non-existent. None! We don't even see each other naked. Sexual contact has always been something that she disliked and/or felt uncomfortable with. It saddens me really, because she really is a good person. She just doesn't have the interest or desire, and never had it. I get so frustrated sometimes, and this has been going on for so many years!!!! I have always had in my mind what a good marriage relationship should be, but I have never had it. I also struggle with guilt. Should I leave because there is no sex in my marriage? What if I never find it? Or what if I get into a situation that is worse then what I have? What about her? What will happen to her? My family? What would that make me in the eyes of family? I feel so selfish for even asking for such a thing from her. It is a dead end, and there is no hope. I ask myself this question all the time.... If I were to leave this marriage and start over again, would it really make me any happier or would it make it worse. My fears are often thinking that it would be worse.... Therefore, I stay in this situation. I don't know what anyone here would call this, or even if you think that I am crazy; hell I know I am crazy! But this is what has been going thru my mind for many years. Change your wife to my husband and we're in the same exact boat. Staying is making me miserable but I feel so guilty and scared to leave. Its pretty much a living hell. Me too, Carol, and you will find plenty others on here with the same problem. You are not alone.
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Post by richfairy72 on Mar 2, 2017 14:24:23 GMT -5
I think only one condition is needed to turn a sexless marriage around, the first. And others will fall into place. It doesn't mean the LL spouse will turn HL though. Nor HL turn LL. Otherwise better to leave and look for the right person. Love conquers all, eh? I dunno. If one side doesn't realize there is a problem how can it be fixed? Exactly, shamwow, you have hit the nail on the head!
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