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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 4, 2017 14:16:53 GMT -5
I agree that the reasons don't matter, but I stupidly remain astonished by the number and depth of the excuses and behavior patterns just to avoid sex. As i routinely (and rhetorically) ask, who the hell doesn't like or want orgasms? I agree - how can anyone not enjoy having sex. It's the nicest thing in the world in my opinion!!
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 4, 2017 14:06:32 GMT -5
I agree exactly. My H has suggested I find someone else to kiss. He misses the point I want to kiss HIM. The person I love. I don't think anyone understands how the continued rejection feels.
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 3, 2017 8:57:42 GMT -5
Yep, no sex yet. I can predict he will try a 'keep her chief's session in the next few days, then I will think things are improving only to realise in 2 month's time that was it. And I will still be stuck. I need to have a think......
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 3, 2017 8:55:18 GMT -5
I think I want to move to the US! You guys are so much more in touch with your feelings, and open and honest than us Brits. A breath of fresh air. I've had more support and valid ideas than hours of marriage counselling came up with!! Keep up the good work! Feeling less in despair this morning, although I now have the problem that he is going over the top making an effort to be nice to me - I am hopeless at sticking to my guns while he is being nice. And so the merry go round keeps spinning and I will go round in circles....grrrr. He's being nice, but no sex? He needs some shock treatment. AKA Zip Code Therapy. He needs to learn that your needs count too. A trial separation is in order.
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 3, 2017 4:33:33 GMT -5
I think I want to move to the US! You guys are so much more in touch with your feelings, and open and honest than us Brits. A breath of fresh air. I've had more support and valid ideas than hours of marriage counselling came up with!! Keep up the good work!
Feeling less in despair this morning, although I now have the problem that he is going over the top making an effort to be nice to me - I am hopeless at sticking to my guns while he is being nice. And so the merry go round keeps spinning and I will go round in circles....grrrr.
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 3, 2017 4:27:28 GMT -5
That made me laugh so much. I am actually a teacher, but sadly I don't look like that!!!!
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 3, 2017 4:25:56 GMT -5
He just said it is because I am always in a bad mood and sees me like a head teacher not a wife. This quote says it all. You are supposed to be a wife, not a teacher. If that is the case, what is he supposed to do? Marriage is a partnership, not a one-sided affair where one teaches and the other learns. And what is he supposed to teach you? If you are the teacher, then give him an F in sex and intimacy! But then again, you could be the teacher in the Van Halen song:
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 2, 2017 18:31:32 GMT -5
Wow, thanks guys. I feel sooo much better from your replies. I try to rise above it but I can't help but take it personally. I mean, he's a man and he should be glad I want to have sex with him. It makes me feel worthless and my friends don't get it - they wish their partners would not want sex. Little do they know!!! Am going to try and sleep and work out a plan (1130pm in the UK). I don't want to be in this situation next new year x
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 2, 2017 17:22:24 GMT -5
So today I finally tried to talk to H about SM, and whether he could tell me why he can't bring himself to kiss me or try anything intimate. No reply. I suggested separation, explaining that 23 years of this rejection has left me with no self esteem. His response ' what 'rejection?' He then played the whole a anxiety card, saying he would be lonely and how much he loves me etc. I kept my cool and stated that I can't carry on living with someone who refuses to try to resolve our issues. Response ' what issues? I'm happy' I feel like I have been talking to a brick wall for years and years. I admit to l losing it at this point, and getting frustrated, asking him what is so wrong with me that makes him find me so hideous. He said it was because he often has a headache or feels stressed. I suggested that sometimes being intimate can relieve stress. He just looked at me and said 'really?' I said that of course it does - don't you find it the nicest thing in the world? I suppose I could guess his response of 'not really' I told him he must be with the wrong person if he doesn't fancy me at all. He just said it is because I am always in a bad mood and sees me like a head teacher not a wife.
I now feel at rock bottom, have cried for two hours. People who know me generally say I am a kind, warm person so what have i done so wrong that he doesn't like me? Seriously screwed with my head.
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 1, 2017 18:21:24 GMT -5
Wow - you have hit the nail on the head! Not too blunt just honest. I don't think he does 'get' me at all. And brilliant insight into my life! I feel like I have finally found people who UNDERSTAND!!
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 1, 2017 18:19:10 GMT -5
Hello, greetings from the UK - I hope it is OK to post from the UK?!? Anyway, thank you so much for this amazing forum - like many others I have repeatedly googled 'sexless marriage' and this appeared. It is scary but reassuring to read all the posts on here - scary as it does not sound like things will change but reassuring to know I'm not alone. Maybe I'm not the fat ugly troll I think I am! So my story is that I have been married to my husband for 16 years, dating for 23 years. I am his first partner, I had a couple of others before him. We are soulmates and very well matched, HOWEVER, as so many of you have said, the only thing that is missing is intimacy. I say that rather than sex, as both are connected and it's the lack of intimacy that bothers me more than sex. I feel we are room-mates and that I have never had that 'spark' back from him. I am incredibly attracted to him, but he just doesn't seem bothered. He HATES kissing - has never 'properly' kissed me - it grosses him out. It feels like everything is on his terms. over the years, if he wants sex then it happens, but if I initiate then I am rejected. If I try to go in for a kiss, he will back off. It feels like he is cuddling his Mum/a friend when he cuddles. I think he just needs someone to look after him and be with like a mum I suppose. We have tried separating, about 4 years ago - his doing, as he had an 'emotional affair' with someone, which I discovered on Xmas day. I was devastated as I thought one day he would suddenly lose his inhibitions and be intimate properly. I went through hell for a few months (I am prone to depression) but got to the point of accepting a split, but somehow he persuaded me to stay together for the kids (age 14 and 11 now) sake. I really thought he would make the effort, but nothing. It's always me trying to 'solve' the problem, but what I feel is worthless/fat/ugly/hideous and a total loser. I mean if my own husband can't bring himself to kiss me I must be bad. I have wondered about Asperger's syndrome (my eldest son has a diagnosis) - that's the only way I can 'explain' it to myself and stay patient. However, what has led me to this is that I am feeling more and more depressed and lonely. ANd angry - I mean, why won't he just bloody well let his barriers down? And why won't he at least do the decency of talking properly to me about it? I'm always fobbed off by 'well I was tired/had a headache/we are in our 40s, no-one has sex any more' type answers. What I feel is that I am too unattractive to leave, no-one else will want me and I should look after him as per our wedding vows. Phew, sorry I didn't expect all that to pour out! I think I just want to be loved by someone and it makes me sad that I am 44 and stuck..... Welcome to the club! Feeling 'worthless/fat/ugly/hideous and a total loser' is pretty much par for the course around here - that is what years of sexless marriage does to you. Luckily it almost certainly has no basis whatsoever in reality The truth is, it is nothing to do with YOU and is all about him. Can I ask an awkward question? If you have never really had a good intimate relationship, what is it that makes you feel you are soulmates? And if he had an emotional affair with someone else but can't manage it with you, what does that mean? I guess you probably get on very well and manage your house very well and look after your kids very well and agree on lots of things (as long as you are willing to be reasonably flexible...). But you are clearly somebody who needs a deep emotional connection in your life and needs a fulfilling and ongoing sex life. If he doesn't want to give you that, and doesn't care that you don't have it, then I suspect he doesn't really 'get' you at all. Sorry if that was blunt, it is NY and I have probably had too much wine. But over and over again I see people (including me) feeling like they are soulmates with somebody who just doesn't experience life on the same level or in the same way that we do. And I wonder how much of it is our own projection rather than anything the other person actually has to offer.
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 1, 2017 18:11:43 GMT -5
richfairy72 , your story strikes a chord, right down to the Asperger, kissing, initiating. It's a tough thing to cope with. I'm 25+ years in. Thanks, it's good to know I'm not going mad!!!
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Post by richfairy72 on Dec 31, 2016 6:44:07 GMT -5
Hello, greetings from the UK - I hope it is OK to post from the UK?!?
Anyway, thank you so much for this amazing forum - like many others I have repeatedly googled 'sexless marriage' and this appeared.
It is scary but reassuring to read all the posts on here - scary as it does not sound like things will change but reassuring to know I'm not alone. Maybe I'm not the fat ugly troll I think I am!
So my story is that I have been married to my husband for 16 years, dating for 23 years. I am his first partner, I had a couple of others before him. We are soulmates and very well matched, HOWEVER, as so many of you have said, the only thing that is missing is intimacy. I say that rather than sex, as both are connected and it's the lack of intimacy that bothers me more than sex. I feel we are room-mates and that I have never had that 'spark' back from him. I am incredibly attracted to him, but he just doesn't seem bothered. He HATES kissing - has never 'properly' kissed me - it grosses him out. It feels like everything is on his terms. over the years, if he wants sex then it happens, but if I initiate then I am rejected. If I try to go in for a kiss, he will back off. It feels like he is cuddling his Mum/a friend when he cuddles. I think he just needs someone to look after him and be with like a mum I suppose.
We have tried separating, about 4 years ago - his doing, as he had an 'emotional affair' with someone, which I discovered on Xmas day. I was devastated as I thought one day he would suddenly lose his inhibitions and be intimate properly. I went through hell for a few months (I am prone to depression) but got to the point of accepting a split, but somehow he persuaded me to stay together for the kids (age 14 and 11 now) sake. I really thought he would make the effort, but nothing.
It's always me trying to 'solve' the problem, but what I feel is worthless/fat/ugly/hideous and a total loser. I mean if my own husband can't bring himself to kiss me I must be bad.
I have wondered about Asperger's syndrome (my eldest son has a diagnosis) - that's the only way I can 'explain' it to myself and stay patient. However, what has led me to this is that I am feeling more and more depressed and lonely. ANd angry - I mean, why won't he just bloody well let his barriers down? And why won't he at least do the decency of talking properly to me about it? I'm always fobbed off by 'well I was tired/had a headache/we are in our 40s, no-one has sex any more' type answers. What I feel is that I am too unattractive to leave, no-one else will want me and I should look after him as per our wedding vows.
Phew, sorry I didn't expect all that to pour out! I think I just want to be loved by someone and it makes me sad that I am 44 and stuck.....
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