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Post by richfairy72 on Mar 2, 2017 14:17:46 GMT -5
These are some ideas that I'm testing in my own relationship. Is my wife willing to do these things? Am I willing to do them for my wife? Are you willing to do something that may not always bring you happiness? Are you willing to sacrifice for your spouse? Does it make you happy to do something for your spouse they like? Do you want to do the work to develop a deep bond? I see these questions as a type of love measurement. If you love someone then it want be hard to do the above things. Someone pointed me to this and I found it helpful (and appropriate to your question). www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/Take the quiz. It turns out that my wife and I are most likely speaking two different languages. I say most likely since she never took it, but I've known her 23 years so put my best assessment in. But I would agree with bballgirl . My next relationship is going to be an absolute "no bullshit" affair. I read the 5 love languages book, and made my husband do the profile. Turns out he would rather eat a meal than have sex with his wife. Wtf?
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 27, 2017 15:01:14 GMT -5
My situation is not squarely any of those posted by the OP because my wife and I are in different zones. I have sort of "friend-zoned" my wife... but she still loves me dearly and figures we will be married the rest of our lives. To her, the sexlessness thing is just "where the marriage is now", and not a big concern for her. Plus, she feels like she has "tried enough" for the time being. So she's in the "denial zone", I guess. I didn't have a name for it until I read your post Dan, but I do believe thats what I have done too ... I have "friend-zoned" my wife. Because I couldn't handle the rejection, I lowered my expectations, and I don't want to do anything to get them back up again. For her part, my wife is in the same place as yours is as well. She claims she loves me dearly and says she looks forward to growing old with me, but in her vision of marital love, there is no sexual component. (this attitude baffles me--because for me, the sexual component of a marriage is what makes it a marriage, and not just a legally binding friendship) As I read some of the other posters here, I am glad that I am not alone in the "its complicated" camp where leaving our sexless marriages would create more problems than it solves, but that realization does nothing to dull the pain. I so get it litw. My h wants to grow old with me, but there is no need for intimacy. He doesn't need it I guess. Soul destroying......
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 24, 2017 14:22:29 GMT -5
I have heard all of those excuses, but what it boils down to is that my husband just isn't into sex with me. And nothing I can do can fix it.
Beeman you are so right - I feel I need permission to go, to ease my guilt. Yet 3 counsellors have said that for my own sanity I should go. I just don't have the guts to flow through.. But this forum is really helping so thanks!
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 24, 2017 13:01:15 GMT -5
Great article, and brilliant responses. As ever, these articles need to help those of us whose partners don't see the need for intimacy! Baza, you are so right, either way, it's pretty much a scenario to walk from....
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 24, 2017 12:50:35 GMT -5
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 19, 2017 13:43:59 GMT -5
thing is McRoomMate, it feels like another "got ripped off again" from her. i think that maybe a chemical thing takes place pre, during, post leaving. by that i mean things are bad - what to do? and all the fear of EVERTHING. then the deciding to end it\ seem to feel more power or maybe some confidence??? now theres things now, like i dont want her to even touch me, i question things she will say that indicate a future together, standing up for myself when i wouldn't have before. many many things that changed and i dont know why. i dont hate her.not at all. i told her i'm very dissapointed with me, with her, with life's hand in it,i feel bad of coarse as warmways started out with but for gods sake, i'm here too! but the change in me is what blows me away the most. from trying again at "strike 9 and no outs to i'm out of this and will never, ever fall for that shit again, really surprises me. i only wish i did it years ago now that life feels like it gone by and everything is too late to start again with someone else. warmways, life will go on and for the better. you not only can stop it, you can start it at any point along the journey. feelings - emotions really suck sometimes don't they? Right On !!! Man that is pretty much word for word what is going on around me and in my head and heart. Dave you are definitely NOT alone. This THREAD is brutal pure honesty such a high grade it is dangerous. What was that line "Truth will set you free" - I believe it now. Everybody on this thread. BIG THANK-YOU to all. Yes FEAR of the UNKNOWN - second guessing myself - doubt / Emotional roller coaster / the pain which my decisions will cause vs. the Pain of staying etc. etc. etc. This is the real freaking deal. COURAGE and BLESSINGS to ALL ! ! ! Yes, I have the same rollercoaster going on, and doubts and guilt. It shows you are a normal caring person. Just know you are not alone. And I have tried to find things to take my mind off it all for some mental relief - easier said than done!!
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 19, 2017 13:38:20 GMT -5
Dave, I had actually read a couple of your posts and thought your words very wise. On the whole people on here seem supportive and understanding. We are at different phases of realisation and exiting (or not), so don't worry, your words will be welcome x
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 19, 2017 7:07:41 GMT -5
Now I feel a bit feeble, but all I have done is walk a bit further than usual and eat one or two less biscuits.....
However it is heartening to see some men don't mind a bit of extra meat....
As for me, I don't mind how heavy or unfit a bloke is, it's how he treats me that counts! My h is a very fit gym obsessive (NOTHING gets in the way of him and the gym) but look where that has got me. In fact, it is something I would not want a future partner to be into as much - my h has a great workout body, but is not alive inside, so that's what would matter more to me - showing genuine heartfelt passion.....
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 18, 2017 13:30:19 GMT -5
While I am a big fan of the idea of staying fit if I may, , I want to say that women with a few extra pounds are very attractive. Call it a fetish or just healthy desire I particularly find post partum pounds attractive. Mummy's tummy...yummy;) That's interesting, because I personally think my postpartum tummy is gross and don't find them in general attractive. I know it's one of those mom shaming things "tiger stripes" or whatever, but boy oh boy they have forced me to convert to a one price suit for life. (I plan to surgically get rid of them when I'm sure I'm fine having kids) It's just loose and there is no amount of exercise that helps, and in fact I made my tummy worse by over exercising after baby was born. Bleh stupid I feel the same mrslow. I think I look hideous, but it sounds like not everyone thinks so..... I'm sure you are fine, it's the rejection of a sm that makes us think so!
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Rejected
Feb 18, 2017 9:59:49 GMT -5
cc likes this
Post by richfairy72 on Feb 18, 2017 9:59:49 GMT -5
Ironically I actually feel bad for rejecting her now. WTF!!!! That is only natural, but that's what feeds the dysfunction is the guilt. Besides which, you are entitled to refuse too!
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 18, 2017 9:58:17 GMT -5
Omg, I totally relate to your post. I am only here still as I feel too guilty to hurt him. He was upset at the thought of us separating, and that was not ok f or him. But what about me ? I keep thinking. So he must not be upset, but it's ok for me to have to live in this life that is unhealthy for me, making me more and more exhausted.
It sounds like you married a child too......it is soul destroying to have to live for them too - you deserve better. Good luck with the new chapter in your life....
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 18, 2017 9:31:03 GMT -5
Hi Richfairy, I'm really sorry to hear that things are back to 'normal' (but keep in mind that it's really abnormal). Yes, lots of people disconnect emotionally, I was one of them; I made myself numb to desires and feelings - or at least I tried to but I couldn't really and didn't solve my unhappiness. Besides, ask yourself "Should I be doing this to myself?", "Is this REALLY what I want?" and "Where does this get me in the long run?". And, trust me, the long run can be a very long time... I know what you mean about guilt. Every time we had sex, I felt like I was imposing myself on her. I felt her underlying attitude was 'This isn't what nice girls do' and so I stopped asking. That worked fine for her. Right up to the point where I asked for a separation... which I now realise I should have asked for decades before Wise words dinnaken. The more time goes on, the more I know I need to move on. It's just stopping those nagging doubts that nobody else will like me, or I would be better to keep putting up with it. But it's not really fair on myself in the long run..... I really hope you can move on, you sound ready to.
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 18, 2017 9:24:41 GMT -5
good for you for being strong. It might make her think differently.
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 18, 2017 8:23:53 GMT -5
Ggold, Only you can truly know what is right for you; it's your decision to make and the consequences will be your's to live with. But Personally, I know that I've wasted 26 years of my life in my marriage, a good third and the best third of my life. Don't let my story be yours. Sorry if this is a rather gloomy post; I normally try to stay cheerful and positive but it's been a difficult morning! All the best Dinnaken Don't give up hope - lots of us feel the same on here. I have wasted 23 years of my life with the wrong person.. He's not a bad person, just not for me. But on the other hand, I have to remember the good things, and not give up hope of a different future. It all feels daunting, but little steps are what we need! All I know is that I don't want to waste another year like this. Oh how I wish I had listened to that nagging doubt before we got married - the one that i squashed by thinking he would fancy me one day and it would click. Little did I know...... Take care and be kind on yourself.
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 18, 2017 4:20:07 GMT -5
Little by little guys. I have put weight on, and it makes me feel even more trapped- who is going to want me now! And comfort eating, don't get me started on that... Ok, so let's try and encourage each other.... Today, I am going to cut down on the food a little, and walk a little further. Every time I go upstairs, I am going to try to go a bit faster..
Rome wasn't built in a day, cc. Try one thing at a time....
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