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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 18, 2017 4:09:31 GMT -5
Awww, yea, I totally get that feeling. I had no clue that it had a name, reset sex, until I started really researching this. My husband loves to use this to make everything all better. It makes me feel so many awful things. They don't understand that, though. They did their part, what else do we want!? And, as ever for me, it is all back to normal. But I feel a bit more chipped away at each time. He thinks it's all fine again! From what people on here say, it seems better to disconnect emotionally, and not expect intimacy, then you don't set yourself up for this vicious cycle. Not a great way to live, and it makes me feel guilty - he means well, he just obviously doesn't enjoy that side of things. I just wish I could be happy with how things are......
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 17, 2017 12:53:25 GMT -5
I've been feeling philosophical today - well it beats feeling sad! Anyway, I have been listening to music and thought I would share the epic song that George Michael covered, that totally sums up how I feel about my SM. This (along with repeated Adele tracks) got me through a particularly tough time. Not sure if the link works but here goes
Especially what rings true for me is the part where he says 'I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power but you won't' - so true, as people can't 'pretend' to feel passion if it's not there.
Anyway, has anyone else got any songs that mean something to them?
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 15, 2017 18:58:26 GMT -5
I don't want to get drawn into an argument here, but can I just say that the OP has said he has been in an abusive marriage. Having a go at someone in that situation is not helpful ' why don't you just leave?' If it were that simple then abusive relationships wouldn't continue. That's the whole point, an abused person feels powerless to just leave, otherwise they would. They can even love their abusers, as their thinking becomes clouded. As much as onlookers find it frustrating, these people 'whinging' may not have the power or opportunity to leave, hence feeling trapped and upset. Just pointing that out.....
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 14, 2017 19:25:07 GMT -5
Yet again, this forum is amazing!! It is so good to find a bunch of people who UNDERSTAND! You all so 'get' the frustrations and insecurities.
I just have to believe that there is a better life waiting.....
Happy Valentine's day! It is over here, phew. Managed to avoid too many romantic films lol x x
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 14, 2017 19:21:53 GMT -5
Ok, so hope everyone on here survives Valentine's day (nearly over in the UK....) So, after my 'separation' talk at the weekend, he decided to go for the Valentine's day reset sex. Ok, I am grateful for him making the effort, but he still didn't seem that bothered, just going through the motions. Now I feel worse, as I feel used, a bit stupid and like I can't whinge now he has done the deed. Aurgh. Why is it so complicated. Maybe I just have to accept crap sex. Now I feel a bitch. You do not have to accept shitty sex! You should NEVER feel used and stupid from an act that is supposed to be loving and connecting. You are worth so much more than this!! He should be the one who is grateful that you are still with him!! He made the effort because you had the talk. That's it. You are vulnerable and lonely and went along with it. Try not to beat yourself up about it. It's okay. AND...you are NOT a bitch!!! SM fucking with your head. Believe this: You are beautiful, caring, brave, loving, desirable. You deserve to be happy in all areas of your life. Begin to love and forgive yourself. Take one step at a time. I felt as if I would be stuck in this SM life forever. It took a long, long, long time for me to realize that I am worth more than this. How did I allow him to "own" my sexuality? How did I allow him to lead me down a life of celibacy when he knew it was clearly not what I wanted? It's because I was afraid, had low self-esteem, and felt no one would want me if my husband didn't. Now I am more afraid of continuing to live this life than getting out of it. Happiness is out there..step by step we can all reach it. It takes courage, strength and support. Please don't settle and don't ever give up on your happiness. ((hugs)) xo G That is so how I feel, that no one will want me, if he doesn't. He is far better looking than me, so I feel I got lucky. But then again, now I know that looks don't translate into passion. Hopefully I will find someone who ENJOYS my passion and sees past my middle aged mummy body!!! Thanks for the hugs...
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 14, 2017 12:38:41 GMT -5
Ok, so hope everyone on here survives Valentine's day (nearly over in the UK....)
So, after my 'separation' talk at the weekend, he decided to go for the Valentine's day reset sex. Ok, I am grateful for him making the effort, but he still didn't seem that bothered, just going through the motions. Now I feel worse, as I feel used, a bit stupid and like I can't whinge now he has done the deed.
Aurgh. Why is it so complicated. Maybe I just have to accept crap sex. Now I feel a bitch.
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 14, 2017 12:32:28 GMT -5
So true, it's the lying that gets me every time.
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 14, 2017 12:25:29 GMT -5
Smartkat I know how you feel, it's as if we have to shrug it off and get on with things. I think I have mourned privately for years, it hits me at strange times - mAinly a song on the radio or seeing a couple kissing.
Not sure what to say to help but I think it is important to allow yourself to have your feelings. Even if no one else acknowledges them, we understand on here a nd give you permission to grieve.....
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 12, 2017 16:29:10 GMT -5
Thanks guys, I have cheered myself up by watching my favourite film in bed. Haven't seen it for years, so it's good to have the chance, while he isn't talking to me!!!! X
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 12, 2017 16:26:35 GMT -5
Nancy, that is so hard. I have been warned by a friend who left an alcoholic, that he might find someone quickly. Her ex did, but he still had the same problems.
I take your point about playing our part too, but don't blame yourself, it is often about things out of your control. And surely it's better to be alone than lonely in a marriage. X x
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 12, 2017 14:44:48 GMT -5
Very good post, celt. I need to do a mindshift to thinking about how another poor soul would cope with my h!! I think I have been more than patient......
Maybe we should set up a dating website where we match up refusers, but then us that have been refused. Sorted!
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 12, 2017 13:15:12 GMT -5
Obobfla, what a lovely offer!
The celt and Lyn, I know I have to follow through now. I have been waiting for a reaction for years and have never had one. I just don't feel like I have the strength to lift myself out. I need to sleep on it and make a plan. I just need to believe I am good enough as I am to go it alone.
I know I will have support from friends. I'm just not sure I can face the hassle I will get from him. I don't feel strong enough. But I have had enough of his shit now.
Life is too short to be unhappy.
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 12, 2017 11:53:48 GMT -5
So, I tried to have the 'i would like us to discuss separation' conversation 2 days ago. He genuinely has no idea why I would think it. He doesn't think our marriage is sexless. Anyway, have been bought flowers, been told he loves me, but no reset sex this time. Anyway, I just tried to bring it up again, and he really did not think I was serious. He has used every excuse he can think of for lack of intimacy from him. Mainly to do with him not feeling well (yet I am the one with chronic fatigue....). I did say a bit sarcastically, so you've been feeling ill for 16 years then??? So, now he has been nasty, saying I am cold and heartless and ungrateful. Then he says 'well, I'll go and find someone else then,who does want me'. I know he will be horrible to me now, as it's me that h a s the issue not him. He is happy.
He knows this hits a raw nerve, as the years of rejection make me dread him finding someone he actually clicks with, while I am left alone. I never once said i am off to find someone else, I have just suggested separation. Besides which it's him that doesn't want me!!
Bloody confusing. And now I am feeling a little sorry for myself......
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 12, 2017 11:01:38 GMT -5
Sorry meant to say cavu, silly auto correct!!!
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 12, 2017 11:00:18 GMT -5
Hi cave, Welcome, and yes, apparently it's all I ever think about and I try to 'force' my husband into sex about once every 3 months. No more, I have given up. Have a good look at the forum, you will start feeling more normal once you see that it's not just y o u.
Love your profile picture btw.....
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