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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 3, 2020 6:27:23 GMT -5
As I was writing a post just now, I was thinking about how important self esteem is. i don’t know if others are the same but I stayed for YEARS too long because I had no self esteem. It was ripped away from me through years of living in a sexless and LOVELESS marriage. I thought it was my fault. I wasn’t good enough, kind enough, pretty enough, thin enough etc etc. I mean, what man doesn’t want to kiss or have sex? I had decided I must have been a troll.
But I now know it wasn’t my fault and the biggest thing that helped me was to regain my self esteem, to learn to love myself enough to realise that I am an ok human being. It has helped me cope with shitty bosses and disagreements with friends. No longer am I a mouse who will take whatever shit people give me. (I can feel a post about healthy boundaries coming.....)
So, whatever your situation it strikes me that building your own self esteem has got to be a good thing.
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Post by michael on Jan 3, 2020 7:44:07 GMT -5
Good idea, but how does one get their self-esteem back? I could use the tip. Mine has been gone for awhile. I wonder if I could even get a girlfriend ever again if I got separated. I’ve even gone as far as thinking how big of a down and out woman would go for a guy like me.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 3, 2020 10:25:50 GMT -5
As I was writing a post just now, I was thinking about how important self esteem is. i don’t know if others are the same but I stayed for YEARS too long because I had no self esteem. It was ripped away from me through years of living in a sexless and LOVELESS marriage. I thought it was my fault. I wasn’t good enough, kind enough, pretty enough, thin enough etc etc. I mean, what man doesn’t want to kiss or have sex? I had decided I must have been a troll. But I now know it wasn’t my fault and the biggest thing that helped me was to regain my self esteem, to learn to love myself enough to realise that I am an ok human being. It has helped me cope with shitty bosses and disagreements with friends. No longer am I a mouse who will take whatever shit people give me. (I can feel a post about healthy boundaries coming.....) So, whatever your situation it strikes me that building your own self esteem has got to be a good thing. So nice to hear from you again!! Your post got me to thinking about self esteem, and self confidence, especially the part about shitty bosses and disagreements. I want to add another branch to that. After my divorce I have been with a woman who does have much confidence in her sexual/intimacy role. ( she also had years of a SM with a narc) Where she needs 'help' is her codependency and willingness to make others happy at her expense. I am trying to not be a knight on a white horse again, but i find my confidence much higher than it was during my devastating SM. I encourage her to not be manipulated, to say no, to walk away, (um.. yes.. to have boundaries! LOL!) and to not be ashamed to ask questions! Instead I have had to ask her " you agreed with that but do you even know what that means? Have you ever seen that ? Have you ever been there? (She was raised in Italy and her english is a bit broken at times) just ask, what is that, I don't know what you said". I have to do that with her ,often. It's my way of letting her know, what you are saying is important to me, I want to understand it fully. That is more important than me needing to pretend that I'm listening, when I barely understood it! My ex would give me her flimsy excuse of " I listen to you" when in reality she would put her book /computer down for a second ,respond with " ugh-hugh" and go right back to her book/computer. Thank God those days are over!!
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 3, 2020 10:38:13 GMT -5
Good idea, but how does one get their self-esteem back? I could use the tip. Mine has been gone for awhile. I wonder if I could even get a girlfriend ever again if I got separated. I’ve even gone as far as thinking how big of a down and out woman would go for a guy like me. Oh i thought exactly the same as you. I thought I was on the scrap heap. I have no magic answer but maybe you could start by reconnecting with some of the hobbies and friends you used to enjoy. Educate yourself through here and try to believe it’s nothing to do with you. It’s how being in an SM gets you - I stayed because I thought no one would want me. What I needed to understand was that I needed to leave for myself not for a new relationship. Being single but not rejected every day helped to build me up gradually. And remember it’s not really about sex or attractiveness. It’s about being open and honest with each other. I think most refusers get good at not wanting intimacy in any form. It leaves us feeling very alone. Keep taking baby steps.
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 3, 2020 10:44:37 GMT -5
As I was writing a post just now, I was thinking about how important self esteem is. i don’t know if others are the same but I stayed for YEARS too long because I had no self esteem. It was ripped away from me through years of living in a sexless and LOVELESS marriage. I thought it was my fault. I wasn’t good enough, kind enough, pretty enough, thin enough etc etc. I mean, what man doesn’t want to kiss or have sex? I had decided I must have been a troll. But I now know it wasn’t my fault and the biggest thing that helped me was to regain my self esteem, to learn to love myself enough to realise that I am an ok human being. It has helped me cope with shitty bosses and disagreements with friends. No longer am I a mouse who will take whatever shit people give me. (I can feel a post about healthy boundaries coming.....) So, whatever your situation it strikes me that building your own self esteem has got to be a good thing. So nice to hear from you again!! Your post got me to thinking about self esteem, and self confidence, especially the part about shitty bosses and disagreements. I want to add another branch to that. After my divorce I have been with a woman who does have much confidence in her sexual/intimacy role. ( she also had years of a SM with a narc) Where she needs 'help' is her codependency and willingness to make others happy at her expense. I am trying to not be a knight on a white horse again, but i find my confidence much higher than it was during my devastating SM. I encourage her to not be manipulated, to say no, to walk away, (um.. yes.. to have boundaries! LOL!) and to not be ashamed to ask questions! Instead I have had to ask her " you agreed with that but do you even know what that means? Have you ever seen that ? Have you ever been there? (She was raised in Italy and her english is a bit broken at times) just ask, what is that, I don't know what you said". I have to do that with her ,often. It's my way of letting her know, what you are saying is important to me, I want to understand it fully. That is more important than me needing to pretend that I'm listening, when I barely understood it! My ex would give me her flimsy excuse of " I listen to you" when in reality she would put her book /computer down for a second ,respond with " ugh-hugh" and go right back to her book/computer. Thank God those days are over!! It has taken me a while too - I always want everyone else to have their needs met at my own expense. But I have practised and found saying no quite liberating sometimes. I have re-evaluated friendships and my job. And my new partner is lovely. He will ask me what I really want to do/where to go because he knows I will default to his choice. And I’m getting braver at asking for what I want without fear of belittlement - even in the bedroom. Living with a controlling ex took my voice but with time and patience from others it is coming back.
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Post by baza on Jan 3, 2020 17:59:30 GMT -5
Getting away / putting a bit of distance between you and the negative influences on your life is not a bad step in recovering your self esteem. Without the ongoing negative inputs to your life it helps enormously. That's why getting out of your ILIASM shithole works so well in returning yourself to a reasonable level of self esteem. Of course this is a longer term view. At this time and at this very moment your self esteem may be so far down the chute that getting out is a pipe dream. And, just about everyone who joins here starts at this point - where their self esteem is so trashed - that it's a dog chasing its' tail. Your self esteem is low because of your ILIASM shithole, and you remain in your ILIASM shithole because your self esteem is shot. Sister elynne was in this position. So was Brother shamwow . Likewise choosinghappy and thebaffledking and @elle and numerous others. There's no short cut or hack (that I'm aware of) to get your self esteem back overnight. It is a far more incremental process, and a long hard process at that, with very little instant gratification attached to it. It starts with you sorting out your own shit, and a personal therapist/mentor/life coach can be of big value if you are going to have a crack at it. But it can be done, as instanced by those handful of examples above. Read their stories. See how they went about it. Cherry pick the bits that resonate with you. But "start". Just "start".
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 204
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Post by catsloveme on Jan 4, 2020 0:20:20 GMT -5
I’m still very much in my SM and I’ve done a fair amount of work to regain my self esteem. Things that have helped me:
--Doing things I like to do—just for me. I joined a band. I love music and my band mates are always happy to see me.
—Exercise—walking and going to the gym. Truthfully, I need more exercise but the greatest benefit of exercise has been to my mental health. Physically, I don’t think I really look better, but I feel better.
—Being social and connecting with friends. And opening up about some of the things I’m going through. The support and validation have really helped me heal and break out of my miserable funk.
—Quitting alcohol. I was using alcohol to hide from things instead of facing and dealing with my shit. Turns out that the booze didn’t help—I still had the same problems, but with hangovers and cloudy thinking. I don’t feel numb anymore and sometimes that means I have to experience discomfort or pain, but it also means I’m present to feel joy and recognize happiness.
None of these things are the magic key, and I think that it’s different for everyone. Recovering my self esteem has also been an ongoing process. It doesn’t happen overnight. Maybe the one common thread here is reclaiming control, being intentional, actively working on trying to feel better.
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Post by Handy on Jan 4, 2020 1:19:56 GMT -5
Not caring about what your refuser thinks or says is my best way to gain self confidence.
Most of what catsloveme said is also what I do.
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Post by frednsa on Jan 4, 2020 17:29:07 GMT -5
Good idea, but how does one get their self-esteem back? I could use the tip. Mine has been gone for awhile. I wonder if I could even get a girlfriend ever again if I got separated. I’ve even gone as far as thinking how big of a down and out woman would go for a guy like me. Happy New Year, All !
been in a "desireless" marriage for a half century. she will have sex (less now, of course) but without initiation, enjoyment, motion or sound.................KILLS me ! never changed unless you include the very few fakings. my self esteem, formerly pretty good is now somewhere under my sneaker soles. too old to even consider divorce and i DO love her. Just so frustrating and depressing. I've been horny since appr. age 10 (maybe a little sooner) and i had a really horny girl friend in high school. perhaps she "spoiled" me...................ready anytime, anyplace including one time a public beach (at night). sore memories when considering my married life. sorry to drag out the pity pot but some times this load gets so heavy.
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Post by michael on Jan 4, 2020 21:04:30 GMT -5
Good idea, but how does one get their self-esteem back? I could use the tip. Mine has been gone for awhile. I wonder if I could even get a girlfriend ever again if I got separated. I’ve even gone as far as thinking how big of a down and out woman would go for a guy like me. Happy New Year, All !
been in a "desireless" marriage for a half century. she will have sex (less now, of course) but without initiation, enjoyment, motion or sound.................KILLS me ! never changed unless you include the very few fakings. my self esteem, formerly pretty good is now somewhere under my sneaker soles. too old to even consider divorce and i DO love her. Just so frustrating and depressing. I've been horny since appr. age 10 (maybe a little sooner) and i had a really horny girl friend in high school. perhaps she "spoiled" me...................ready anytime, anyplace including one time a public beach (at night). sore memories when considering my married life. sorry to drag out the pity pot but some times this load gets so heavy.
My girlfriend in high school was horny too. Anytime, anywhere. Incredible cook, did housework. I dumped her. I thought I could do better. My wife is a lot hotter but that is it. She can serve food that is burnt and cold at the same time. The house is a mess. And sex? I’m going on three years now.
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Post by lessingham on Jan 5, 2020 6:09:00 GMT -5
I would give anything to have self esteem or confidence or what you will. I have tried theraoy, self help, books and tapes. I hate my inner coward
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Post by solodriver on Jan 5, 2020 15:49:34 GMT -5
I have found the way to change my self-esteem is to "force" it. It's so easy to be negative because so much around me is. But I just have to force myself to be positive and do thing for me!
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 5, 2020 18:30:41 GMT -5
Do things that you enjoy that mKe you feel good about yourself and don’t involve your attempting to change or be accepted by others.
Practicing lovingkindness meditation — directing it at yourself — also helps greatly.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 10, 2020 10:31:02 GMT -5
Sometimes people pretend
your a bad person so they
don't feel guilty for the
things they did to
you.
( A strong truth. Once realized and identified ,this helps greatly with rebuilding your self esteem!)
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Post by h on Jan 10, 2020 10:55:59 GMT -5
I had a similar epiphany yesterday. I finally stood up for myself clearly and directly communicating a boundary to my W and I was confident enough to "lay down the law" without losing my temper or backing off.
Situation: We have been carpooling to work because we are down to one vehicle for a while. Some mornings she drops me off at work and takes the car. Other days, I drop her off and take the car. We stopped for a fast, to-go breakfast and went to her work. She drives in the car because she gets carsick as a passenger. She got out and put her drink on the roof of the car while she got her bag out of the back seat. When I got out to move to the driver's seat, her drink slid off the car and fell on the ground. (The car roof is curved, there was visible ice on it, and we were parked on an incline.)
She blamed me for it falling and expected me to go back to get her another drink. I couldn't because I had an early meeting at my job so I told her no and got in the car and left. After several angry text messages to me, I told her that I refuse to accept blame because she chose to balance her drink on a slippery, unlevel surface. My dad used to blame me for things that weren't my fault all the time and I wouldn't tolerate it. End of discussion.
It was an amazing feeling to just refuse to be walked on.
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