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Post by baza on May 23, 2019 19:40:32 GMT -5
In my jurisdiction whoever's name(s) is on the title has to sign off the documentation to sell the house.
I am inclined to suggest that you do not wait until June 1 before seeing your lawyer and establishing how you are going to proceed in the event of your spouse refusing to co-operate. Potentially this could drag out for months, possibly years.
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Post by baza on May 23, 2019 8:06:52 GMT -5
This reads like a pretty good and do-able strategy Sister cassiopeia92 . If you keep sorting out your own shit as it appears you are, then you can't go too far wrong. There will be flow on effects to the marriage - or there won't be. That is a matter over which you have no control. All you can do is sort your own stuff out.
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Post by baza on May 23, 2019 3:28:09 GMT -5
Staying in ones ILIASM deal is every bit as valid a choice as leaving it Sister cassiopeia92 . If you go through the process of taking a full inventory of your marriage, and checking out all of the options available to you, then you can make a fully informed choice, based on your best longer term interests. What that choice is, is entirely at your discretion. There's no right/wrong to it. Under your evaluation the situation adds up to "stay". Someone else, under the same circumstances, may make an evaluation that adds up to "leave". The key is, has one truly checked out all the options ? Is one making a fully informed choice ? If one has truly checked out all the options, done their sums, and then made their fully informed choice, then they have made the "right" choice .... for themselves. Most people who arrive here are all too familiar with the "stay" option. After all, they've been living it, But not all people are familiar with what the "leave" option might look like. So a helluva lot of the comments here ask some pretty pointed questions about the "stay" option, and lay out the case for the "leave" option. But behind it all, the idea is to encourage making a "fully informed" choice .... whatever that choice might be. If you are making a fully informed choice to stay Sister cassiopeia92 , would you consider remaining in the group as an active contributor ?
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Post by baza on May 22, 2019 21:47:36 GMT -5
Accepting the facts of your situation is one hell of a difficult thing to do. Then, taking ownership of your situation is an even harder thing to do. Then, choosing what you are then going to do is even harder still. But if you can accept the facts, own the situation, and make a fully informed choice as to what is in your best long term interests, then I reckon you are on a winner. "What" you choose (staying or leaving) is neither right nor wrong. They're both legitimate choices. Under your evaluation, "stay" is the choice. Someone else in the membership may be faced with the same set of circumstances, and under their evaluation the choice might be "leave". Personally, I think that as long as you have made a fully informed choice, you can't go too far wrong Brother firefollower
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Post by baza on May 22, 2019 21:14:59 GMT -5
If you don't want to do something - (say have sex with your spouse) - then you come up with an explanation.
It may be a completely valid explanation - eg "you are the worst root I ever had and I never want to root you again" It might be just the first thing that came into your head - eg "we're too old for this" It might be just complete bullshit - eg "it's too cold/hot", whatever
Thing is, whether it is honest or is bullshit or is something in between, the aim (to not have sex with your spouse) is achieved.
So any excuse/reason/justification is pretty much as good as another.
Now in Brother @tooyoungtobeold2 's example, the explanation - "we're too old for this" - reeks of bullshit, and you could, if you want, debunk that explanation and make the case that one is never too old to have a root. And you may make a highly compelling case, well reasoned, well researched and well argued.
But - that is NOT going to get you a root if your spouse doesn't want to.
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Post by baza on May 22, 2019 20:45:49 GMT -5
I am mostly in number 1 but a little in number 2 if I am honest with myself. The wider point here Brother firefollower , is that it doesn't particularly matter "how" you got into your ILIASM situation - fact is that you are in an ILIASM situation, and it is on you as to what, if anything, you are now going to choose to do.
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Post by baza on May 21, 2019 6:21:24 GMT -5
Have just been re-reading your back threads from June 2018 and onward Brother nyctos . Has anything in the myriad of suggestions put forward on the comments on your threads been of any value to you at all ?
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Post by baza on May 20, 2019 18:26:17 GMT -5
I think a lot of men don't get this part. By the time your wife makes up her mind to leave, it's been coming for a looooooong time and now she's done. I've always suspected that the "walkaway wife syndrome" was really just men who pretended not to see the signs the previous X years. So proud of you all for having the courage to move on. This is often as @tooyoungtobeold2 says. And, in a conversation Mr sadkat is having in a year or so with someone, he will say, with his hand on his heart - "I did everything I could think of to save the marriage" In truth, what he did was to "try and halt the divorce", not "save the marriage".
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Post by baza on May 20, 2019 4:13:54 GMT -5
I would endorse that. Whereas I have not actually tried to "just lie there", I have had a few experiences with Ms enna where I didn't particularly feel like a root, but "went along with it" initially. She seems to have the knack of of turning "going along with it" to full blooded involvement.
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Post by baza on May 20, 2019 2:00:03 GMT -5
To get into ILIASM, there are 3 routes.
#1 - is where the choices someone else made have resulted in you being collateral damage. Say in a situation where you got "bait and switched" as an obvious example.
#2 - is where the choices you made have resulted in a sub-optimal outcome. An example might be where you were aware of the red flags, but went ahead anyway hoping it would all work out.
#3 - is where the cosmos dropped a big shit sandwich on you for no apparent reason. For example your spouse developed a physical or mental problem that precluded them from full participation in the union.
Anyway, the route in to ILIASM might be because of someone else's choice, or your own choice, or by a random cosmic event.
But once you're here, we all start equal again.
It may not have been entirely your "fault" that you ended up in an ILIASM deal (see #1 and #3 above) but that does not alter the fact that you are in your ILIASM deal. And are, maybe, looking for a resolution to the situation.
The resolution of the situation is highly unlikely to come from - (a) - the person who's choice put you into the situation reversing their choice. (b) - the cosmos reversing the random shit sandwich that has been bestowed upon you.
Rather, the resolution is going to come from you.
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Post by baza on May 20, 2019 1:08:31 GMT -5
Yeah, over the whole history (back in to the old EP) it reads like your spouse was a pretty selfish bloke, financially irresponsible and didn't want to root you. Now, he is a pretty selfish bloke, financially irresponsible, but does want to root you - albeit on his timetable and in a manner of his choosing, that doesn't seem to pay much mind to what you might like.
Under one scenario you didn't have a lover. Under the other, you have a selfish lover.
I guess it's a value call on which is "better" or "worse" than the other. Neither seem to be terribly appealing.
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Post by baza on May 19, 2019 22:15:07 GMT -5
Brother HandyThere are two things in play in this "putting a positive spin on the negative remarks your spouse makes". You may think that you are providing an alternative view to a particular remark they make (and usually this is exactly what you are trying to do) The complaining spouse however, can view this alternative view you put forward as trivialising or devaluing what they said. And they may up the ante to complain about even more things, to be heard. To which you respond by putting forward even more counter alternatives. And away it goes on the road to nowhere. I dunno what the answer is in these situations, but I am pretty sure that providing alternative viewpoints doesn't lead anywhere. You might try abandoning putting forward alternative viewpoints and see what happens. (I'd be betting "not much")
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Post by baza on May 18, 2019 3:07:02 GMT -5
What tends to happen in ILIASM deals is that you start taking less and less notice of the idiocy your spouse comes up with as regards your "short comings" and their assorted excuses for their own behaviour. At the same time you start taking more and more notice of your own gut feelings and start concentrating on your own longer term best interests. Your refuser spouse eventually behaves themselves into a position of irrelevancy. I'd counsel you not to get drawn into a war of sniping. That would be giving him relevancy that he doesn't warrant. You've got your own agenda to run Sister cassiopeia92 . And he's not relevant to it.
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Post by baza on May 17, 2019 22:14:40 GMT -5
No firsthand of yoga and/or meditation here Sister smith227 . But fwiw, friends of mine who are in to it swear by it
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Post by baza on May 17, 2019 18:27:19 GMT -5
When it comes to charm, the most charming thing a man or woman can do to me is to be genuinely interested in my life and thoughts. Women tend to do that when they converse. It tends to be reciprocal with each conversant expressing interest in the other. Men, however, tend to think that the way to charm is to talk about themselves so the other person admires them or is attracted to them. I've spent a lot of time nodding and smiling during such one-sided conversations while I look for a way to gracefully exit. This is interesting. An old school friend of Ms enna's was in town on Wednesday with her spouse, and we arranged to take them out to lunch. Nothing flash, just a small restaurant on an olive farm a bit out of town. I'd never met either of them. The husband is a movie critic, well known nationally in my jurisdiction. Over the two or so hours we spent there, I would say that "Movie Critiquing" and or "Showbiz" featured in the conversation for about 10 seconds max. And this bloke was respectful to the serving staff (who managed to fuck our order up - which was a minor matter), and people who wanted to take a selfie with him etc etc. He did as much listening as he did talking. The word "charming" could be applied, but really, he just seemed genuinely interested in people.
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