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Post by baza on Mar 2, 2024 22:27:31 GMT -5
The thing is, that if "you" can not or will not look after "your" finances, then someone else (like your bank, your creditors, your spendthrift partner, the court system) will. And the actions they take will be in their best interests, not yours.
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Post by baza on Oct 23, 2023 1:02:13 GMT -5
Your attention sure does seem to be focused on your spouse and his idiosyncacies Sister toughtiger . It might be worth your while getting your focus on you and your future rather than on him and your past.
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Post by baza on Oct 19, 2023 0:46:22 GMT -5
There a 3 things to be avoided if you want to unpack your ILIASM deal and bring it to resolution - whatevver that resolution might be.
1 - is "why chasing" and whereas you cant avoid it completely it is best to keep it to a minimum, and not turn it into an art form. In the final analysis it doesnt matter what the "why" is (or isn't)
2 - is "blame apportioning" which is another ubproductive thing you can get drawn into. It doesnt make any difference to the facts whether you are right, or wrong.
3 - is "revenge" possibly the most poisonous thing there is to indulge in. A policy of revenge / payback wont help one little bit in bringing about a resolution to the situation.
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Post by baza on Oct 15, 2023 21:42:09 GMT -5
Here you go Sister sweetplumeria . Well, I was in an ILIASM deal for a loooong time. I stumbled across a site called "The Experience Project" (the predecessor to this ILIASM site) in 2008. I got out of my situation in 2009. Although I wasn't looking for another relationship events unfolded and the paths of me and Ms enna crossed and there was a connection. We decided to give it a go and moved in together in 2010. Been together ever since. Now I could go on about all the wonderful things of our relationship, but really, it has been pretty normal. Sweet wonderful "normal" No mind games or hidden agendas. Or like Brother shamwow likes to say - "no bullshit". There have been big events like becoming grandparents moving houses, family / friends deceasements, new friendships, and as we move into our 70's assorted health issues begin to emerge. All very normal sorts of events. And gee it's good to have a situation to share these normal things and enjoy them and to know someone has your back for when those not so good moments come up. I can't tell you a tale of unicorns farting rainbows in our front yard. It ain't like that. Another thing I treasure is that having been together for about 14 years now, we have a shared history since 2010. "In" jokes that only her and I get. Memories of trips here and there. Funny shit we've seen. So sweetplumeria , I havent got a tale of high adventure and searing passion for you. What I have got is a story of my new normal since 2010. "Normal" Bear in mind I've been out since 2010, and the anguish and despair I was once in during my turn in the ILIASM spin dryer is past history. I can see it for what it was these days, and I'm good with it.
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Post by baza on Oct 12, 2023 18:51:36 GMT -5
Welcome Sister celine . 1. Could this just be a rut? Does it get better? Any tips on where to start? Could be just a rut, but based solely on what you have written it appears to be a lot more serious than that. 2. Could I be the problem? You - like most of us here - are some part of the problem but in these situations apportioning blame is a pretty unproductive passtime.. 3. What causes a man to not want to be intimate after a baby? There could be many "why" your spouse is as he is and the baby is one of them. As you read the posts in here you'll see assorted "why" in play but chasing the "why" is another pretty unproductive route to take. You might be best served to read read read the posts in here to get a handle on what you are dealing with. Welcome again, hope you get some value out of the group.
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Post by baza on Oct 10, 2023 20:59:30 GMT -5
Well Brother Missingout , if you are .... "working a program to figure out how to leave" .... then your first stop needs to be a lawyer to establish how a divorce would shake out for you. Within the legal parameters the next thing is to develop an exit strategy and knock it into do-able shape. Shoring up your support network is another smart thing to do. Engaging a counsellor to help you unpack this situation is a good idea too. Of course all the foregoing is just theory. You might choose to act on it. You might not. But you will at least be fully informed, and that puts you in the drivers seat to a large extent. Good luck with your deliberations.
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Post by baza on Oct 10, 2023 2:10:53 GMT -5
I reckon that anything you promote (like poly, FWB, open marriage, affair, outsourcing, swinging etc etc) your spouse is not going to be very enthralled by the idea. And like Brother h notes, your spouse will oftentimes bring out the biggest gun they have - the divorce bazooka - to try and nip any change to the status quo quickly and decisively. And if you are not prepared for this possibility it can all blow up in your face.
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Post by baza on Oct 9, 2023 21:47:41 GMT -5
"Who takes care of the carer ?"
If the carer is on the job 24/7 then invariably there will be burn-out factor as that sort of pressure mounts up. And if the carer burns out, that leaves the 'cared for' up shit creek. It's a lose/lose equation.
The carer needs respite, sufficient to re-charge their battery.
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Post by baza on Oct 8, 2023 19:26:33 GMT -5
This isn't going to help you in any direct sense Brother lessingham , but it might help some other members who are not - yet -as far down the chute. We reap the consequences today of the choices we made (or didnt make) yesterday. Just as sure as the choices we make (or don't make) today will produce consequences tomorrow. If you are in the early stages of a dud relationship then you have to have to set, and defend, boundaries. If you don't then you are in for a world of ongoing hurt.
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Post by baza on Oct 7, 2023 17:43:19 GMT -5
There is a "report" function over on the right hand side under that settings icon.
These days I dunno who it actually is reported to, if anyone.
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Post by baza on Oct 7, 2023 5:31:22 GMT -5
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Post by baza on Oct 7, 2023 2:58:57 GMT -5
I Understand the too-ing and fro-ing you are going through Brother m76 It would be smart to consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would -theoretically - shake out for you Putting together a - theoretical - exit strategy is a good idea. Utilising your counselling sessions to assist you through such a - theoretical - situation would also be useful. Shoring up your support network to help you through such a - theoretical - scenario would be another thing to do. None of this commits you to anything, it is just you gathering information and getting prepared so you can make a fully informed choice when the time comes. Any married person needs to know these things, because ALL marriages end. Good ones or ILIASM deals. Death or divorce attest to that fact.
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Post by baza on Sept 27, 2023 17:36:59 GMT -5
Most newbies here arrive with a view that - "Everything is great bar the sex" You apear to be at this point too Brother dumbsweede . If you keep reading and participating in this group it will be interesting to see if you still hold the view that "Everything is great bar the sex" in a few months time. Anyway, welcome to you. Hope you get some benefit out of the group.
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Post by baza on Sept 20, 2023 2:11:53 GMT -5
Must admit having read the post (interesting that it was on Divorce.com website) Must admit I found it quite underwhelming.
Theres some worthwhile stuff in the post - PRESUPPOSING that your marriage has had a bit of a hiccup and has not already pretty much gone down the chute.
If indeed your marriage is just a bit jaded, then yes, try the suggested actions in the article. They could work if you have caught it in the early stages. Of course if you try the suggested actions in the article - and they dont work - then you might need to reasess the true state of your marriage.
The unfortunate fact is, that marriages that appear in this ILIASM group are not for the most part just having a hiccup or are just a bit jaded. Rather ILIASM deals seen here are highly disfunctional and have been so for long periods of time, decades for many. The scented candle or choreplay strategies are of very very limited value in such circumstances.
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Post by baza on Sept 17, 2023 20:17:16 GMT -5
If you want to bring your ILIASM deal to resolution, there are 2 things to avoid. #1 - Is to stop "why chasing". This is a dead end - even if you discover the why it maeks no difference to the facts of your ILIASM deal. You are disenfranchised either way. #2 - is to stop "blame aportioning" which is another dead end - it doesn't matter who's at fault as again, the facts dont alter. And you are disenfranchised either way there too. I'm feeling for you Brother m76 . These are awful situations, highly emotive and unsettling. As far as possible you need to let as much air out of the emotional balloon as you can, and deal with the facts, and only the facts. Easy to say, not so easy to do.
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