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Post by baza on May 17, 2019 18:02:13 GMT -5
If you put up a story here, and it gets a few responses, that's because the members here figure you are worth investing in Sister cassiopeia92Then, it becomes a matter of you also figuring out that you are worth investing in. And when you start investing in yourself, things start to move forward.
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Post by baza on May 17, 2019 3:28:19 GMT -5
I may come to regret this post, but anyway .... Up until I was 28 I had a (not very thought out) pro abortion viewpoint.
Then, my eldest son was born with a congenital (ie born with it) physical condition. My attitude remained pro abortion. He was 6 when my missus fell pregnant again - and there was a 25% chance this condition could affect the baby. Now they could test for this condition at 14 weeks gestation. Of course by then my eldest had started school and it was obvious that his birth defect was something he had coped with quite well. So there was a BIG question looming. If we had the test and if it turned out the fetus was carrying the same defect, then what the fuck were we going to do ?
There's a little moral dilemma you might like to consider, and you might like to speculate on that theoretically.
Unfortunately at the time, for me and my missus there was no "theory" about it. We had to make a call. And we were going to have to live with the consequences of that call. You might say there was a bit of pressure on us. We debated this issue at length, this way, that way from every angle imagineable.
My position on abortion began to shift a bit. I went from an entirely pro abortion position to a more lukewarm position on it during this debate. This was heavily influenced by the progress my physically disabled eldest was getting on with his life.
Eventually I put this proposition to my missus .... "If you want to take this baby to term, then I am with you all the way. If you don't and you want to abort, I am on board with that too, but at the same time I would want you to get your tubes tied so we can never be in this position of choosing such an option again" Her position was that if the tests showed the condition in the fetus then a termination was her position.
Think on that.
As you might imagine, the lead up to the amniocentesis test was pressure like you would not believe.
And it came back clear. So we had no choice to make then. But I still speculate to this day what might have happened had the tests confirmed the condition was present. For me it would have been no "cut and dried" matter that we would have aborted. That's how much my pro abortion position had shifted.
I think that a theoretical view of "abort if you feel like it" goes out the window if you are in such a real life position. I'd put it to you that this would be one of the hardest choices you could make.
My position on abortion has moved from pro abortion to "pro choice".
My missus and I made our choice, another couple in the same situation might have chosen differently (and I'd not question their right to do so)
I do NOT see any role for "The State" in this matter. Nor do I see any role for the Lobby Groups who want to impose their version of the truth on others either.
People confronting this awful choice deserve your empathy and your support for the invidious choice they are confronted with.
And if you can't support what they end up choosing then I'd suggest you keep your opinion to yourself.
Like I said at the get go, I may well regret this post, but this issue is a highly complex and emotive one, to which there is no "right" answer - though some extreme groups reckon that they have the "right" answer. They may well have the "right" answer for them, but it ain't necessarily the "right" answer for you, or me.
PS - The pregnancy came about in the middle of an ILIASM long dry spell. During which my missus had gone off birth control without sharing that fact with me. A one off drunken root set the wheels in motion.
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Post by baza on May 16, 2019 20:22:27 GMT -5
Hello Sister paddlingalone . Quoting you here - "It's funny how when you mention the situation to other people, everyone has a different reaction. Some people feel sorry for you, some judge you for getting into the marriage in the first place, some tell you to stay, some tell you to leave. It's like there's 100 different opinions on the subject of SM."You probably won't find this group terribly judgey, but you will find suggestions that you take ownership of the problem and try to shed any "victim" thinking. You have been served up a big shit sandwich by the cosmos (as have we all) and that's not fair. But none the less the responsibility of working your way through the maze is on you. And hopefully, you will find things of value in the group to help you negotiate your way forward. Welcome.
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Post by baza on May 16, 2019 20:10:31 GMT -5
For the most part, the marriages represented in here are very much the arse end of the dysfunctional marriage spectrum. The basket cases, where things have deteriorated to the extent where even something a simple and basic as marital sex has departed the scene, and assorted other issues are in play too.
Unsurprisingly, when things have degenerated into such a state, the instances of "turn around" are as rare as rocking horse shit. The resolution to an ILIASM type deal is highly - that's highly - unlikely to be by "turn around"
You can - theoretically - put a line through the possibility of your ILIASM deal being resolved by "turn around". But in practical terms just about everyone is initially going to theorise that "their ILIASM deal is different and unique and is going to be the one that will turn around" And there are very few "different and/or unique" stories in here. They all tell a broadly similar tale though the peripheral detail might alter a bit.
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Post by baza on May 16, 2019 19:10:34 GMT -5
This is why you need to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you. There could be a compelling case to leave a.s.a.p. There could be a compelling case to leave it for another year (or 4.5 years as you mention) Anyway, my suggestion ..... See a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you. Within the parameters of that legal advice, put together an exit strategy (in your case, refine the rough exit strategy you are already working on) Shore up your support network. If kids are a consideration, research everything you can about shepherding them through such a process. Once you've done all that, and are sitting pretty with a do-able exit strategy in your pocket, what happens next is entirely at your discretion. You may action your exit strategy as soon as you've lined up those ducks (above) You may, on the other hand, decide it's all too hard and choose not to action your exit strategy but just keep it up your sleeve until the situation becomes intolerable. It reads like you might have a crack at cheating whilst this all plays out. I'd suggest that you do as suggested above in that case. Get your exit strategy all sorted out before you embark on that .... reason being that the cheating option is invariably a game changer and can spin things off at unexpected tangents over which you have no control, including getting caught and your spouse initiating the end of the marriage. Good luck Sister cassiopeia92 .
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Post by baza on May 15, 2019 22:40:22 GMT -5
Australia is my jurisdiction, but I figure that the situation here would likely mirror other jurisdictions.
In most marital situations of which I am aware, one of the spouses tends to handle the bulk of the financials.
In our specific situation, I handle the bulk of ours and I keep Ms enna fully informed of where we are financially quite regularly and it's an open book. We allow ourselves a modest amount of individual dicretionary spending but anything over that is a matter of discussion and joint agreement. It works fine.
Within our circle of friends I would say that it is the wife who handles the bulk of the financials in better than half the cases.
I think where people run themselves into the shit is when NEITHER of the spouses pay much heed to the financials and just muddle on from payday to payday.
Another problem area is where one of the spouses handles the financials but freezes the other out of the process. Warning sirens should be blaring under those circumstances.
One more problem area is one of the spouses being completely undisciplined in their spending.
Yet another is the spouse controlling the finances being incompetent at the task.
In the broader picture I think that as long as one of the spouses is competently and transparently handling the finances on a consultative basis then it doesn't particularly matter whether it's the wife or the husband.
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Post by baza on May 15, 2019 1:48:22 GMT -5
Yes. Shoring up your support network is a really good idea irrespective of your marital situation. And by shoring up, I don't mean "using up" or only plugging in to your support network when you have a crisis. Get pro-active. Extend your helping hand first - with no expectation that it will be reciprocated, or even appreciated. You want a friend ? .... then be one first.
A few people who actually give a shit about you (and you give a shit about them) .... that's about the best human resource there is.
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Post by baza on May 15, 2019 1:04:41 GMT -5
This alyssa chick is, apparently, turning off her sexual persona on Friday until such time as women get bodily autonomy back.
And apparently, she expects this total shift in societal values to happen on Friday as well as she says - "I mean, I don't know," she told the AP. "I sent a tweet last night. I haven't really thought much past that this morning."
Golly. A tweet that wasn't actually thought out too well.
How astounding.
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Post by baza on May 15, 2019 0:35:01 GMT -5
Just goes to show. The problems of carving out a new life for yourself and the manageable problems that involves, is a whole lot preferable to the insoluble problems of being in an ILIASM shithole. Well done Sister angeleyes65 .
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Post by baza on May 14, 2019 19:14:34 GMT -5
Over the last few months, I have been pondering the question of, "Why have I chosen to stay?" Several of the reasons are topics discussed on this website frequently. (Finances, family pressure, etc.) There is also my background. I grew up in a culture where divorce was heavily frowned upon.
There is another factor, for me at least. My sexless marriage has fundamentally changed my view of marriage. I have lost the desire to remarry. I have even lost much of the desire for a romantic relationship or sex. Many years ago, I met guy who said he did not believe in love. We did not talk to much about his experience, because at that point, I could not even begin to relate to what he was saying.
Today, I am questioning the existence of love. If love does exist, does an average, or below average guy, have any reasonable hope of finding it? (Men who are highly desired by women would presumably find love easier, so their experience does not count!) Oddly enough, once I started questioning the existence of love, the depression caused by my marriage seemed to lift. My interest in hobbies has returned. I am sleeping much better. I feel noticeably better overall. This is confusing. Are these changes a result of growing older? Does anyone have any thoughts? There are two separate issues involved here. #1 - is divorce. That's a stand alone issue and the case for doing it has to stand up all by itself, and be in your longer term best interests. Really, unless you reckon you would be happier single than you are dysfunctionally married, it is probably not for you. #2 - is a potential relationship in your future (as a single). If you are staying (#1) then a future relationship is a non-event due to your unavailability .... unless you are up for #3, cheating. And that one can fly off at unknown and unknowable tangents. #3 is cheating. And among the many tangents this can fly off to is #1 which is kinda pointless if you reject #1 as a choice in its' own right. As regards love, I think your view is true for you Brother theexplorer . Just as anyones view on the subject is true, for them. Me ? Well yes, I believe in it, it's true for me, in fact I believe I am actually living it right now. Bear in mind tho, I still believed that, even when I wasn't living it.
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Post by baza on May 13, 2019 19:48:09 GMT -5
Your post today reads rather differently and positively than your first post (July 2017) Brother TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo . It would seem that your policy of sorting out your own shit is bearing fruit.
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Post by baza on May 13, 2019 19:23:07 GMT -5
Brother iceman . I *knew* in about 2004 that my deal was a dead duck, and at that time I pretty much stopped my incessant "why chasing" and treated the marriage for what it was - essentially a Financial Partnership - and I was ok with that .... sort of !! By 2005 I was pretty sure that I was going to have to leave, at some point, but I didn't have the stomach for it at that time, it all looked "too hard" and the case to leave did not, at that time, appear to be in my longer term best interests. By 2006 (which turned out to be one of the worst and tumultuous years ever) the case to leave DID appear to be in my longer term best interests. I was about 55 then. But whereas the case to leave was pretty good, it wasn't good enough for me to action it. It still looked too hard. By 2007/8 I had seen a lawyer and done all the exit planning etc and had a theoretical plan to get out. I fucked about polishing the rough edges off my plan, refining it, fine tuning it etc. Essentially distracting myself from actioning the plan by concentrating on the finer detail of the plan. The case to leave by then was very strong that it was in my best longer term interests to get out. But short term, there was the monumental problem of the fight, ill will etc etc that was the big stumbling block. It was "easier" - short term - to stay, even though longer term it was NOT in my best interests to stay. Your post reads to me like you are currently in this same position. You know (or at least strongly suspect) that in the longer term of things, you'd be better off by leaving. But you also know that short term, such a move is likely to be ugly. Brother iceman, I think you have to keep doing the financial and emotional sums. Does the case to stay stand up all by itself as being in your longer term best interests. Does the case to leave stand up all by itself as being in your longer term best interests. It may take a while before the sums emerge with a pretty clear answer to that "what's in your longer term best interests" question. For me, 2009 proved pivotal. That's when the case to leave became overwhelmingly obvious. I left. Never regretted it, wish I'd done it earlier. But for me, getting from knowing my deal was a dead duck to actually getting out was a process measured in years rather than months.
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Post by baza on May 13, 2019 3:33:24 GMT -5
This is really for newbies rather than you Brother solodriver . Anyone who is married needs to know how things would shake out legally / financially should they suddenly become "un-married". The reason is that ALL marriages (that's 100% of them) end due to divorce or death. As a responsible adult, you need to know this shit. If you are in an ILIASM deal, it's even more important. If you are considering divorce (or your spouse is) - even just theoretically - it's vital information that you need.
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Post by baza on May 13, 2019 2:58:18 GMT -5
Do you actually know how being single would shake out financially for you Sister cassiopeia92 ? Setting aside the ILIASM matter, "anyone" in a marriage needs to know the answer to this question as a matter of course....as all marriages end. Death or divorce see to that. Brother obobfla 's run of stories might be worth your while reading in this regard. One other thing. You do not have to remain married to someone to still be a person of support to them.
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Post by baza on May 12, 2019 21:10:38 GMT -5
Quoting you here Sister workingonit - "And, dear friends, it is time to have that legal consult I have been putting off" Yeah, in an overall position like yours where there is uncertainty on several fronts, the legal facts will provide some certainty, at least in regard to how a divorce would shake out for you. And the legal facts are what the rest of the picture is built upon. The matters of genuine uncertainty - pertaining to your spouse and kid - are not matters under your control. You can only manage your role in those dynamics. You can't manage your spouse/kids role in the respective dynamics, that's their job. You ARE going well Sister. This is a far from simple situation. Any one of the assorted issues in your life would be a challenge. Bearing in mind you are dealing with three of them running concurrently, you are actually going great.
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