|
Post by theexplorer on May 13, 2019 11:14:58 GMT -5
Over the last few months, I have been pondering the question of, "Why have I chosen to stay?" Several of the reasons are topics discussed on this website frequently. (Finances, family pressure, etc.) There is also my background. I grew up in a culture where divorce was heavily frowned upon.
There is another factor, for me at least. My sexless marriage has fundamentally changed my view of marriage. I have lost the desire to remarry. I have even lost much of the desire for a romantic relationship or sex. Many years ago, I met guy who said he did not believe in love. We did not talk to much about his experience, because at that point, I could not even begin to relate to what he was saying.
Today, I am questioning the existence of love. If love does exist, does an average, or below average guy, have any reasonable hope of finding it? (Men who are highly desired by women would presumably find love easier, so their experience does not count!) Oddly enough, once I started questioning the existence of love, the depression caused by my marriage seemed to lift. My interest in hobbies has returned. I am sleeping much better. I feel noticeably better overall. This is confusing. Are these changes a result of growing older? Does anyone have any thoughts?
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on May 13, 2019 12:16:06 GMT -5
theexplorer said: "Today, I am questioning the existence of love. If love does exist, does an average, or below average guy, have any reasonable hope of finding it? (Men who are highly desired by women would presumably find love easier, so their experience does not count!) Oddly enough, once I started questioning the existence of love, the depression caused by my marriage seemed to lift. My interest in hobbies has returned. I am sleeping much better. I feel noticeably better overall. This is confusing. Are these changes a result of growing older? Does anyone have any thoughts."
I believe in love. I also believe that one needn't be superb in every way to find love. I also believe that one can't make another person love you or lust after you the way you want. If you have to beg, explain, threaten, manipulate, etc. in attempts to get someone to love you, you are with the wrong person.
I am 67 and have been with the love of my life for 6 years. We got to know each other due to our involvement in community theater, a hobby I took up in my 50s. While I have stretch marks, C-section scars and am missing the upper joints of 3 fingers due to an accident, and while I was about 15 pounds overweight when we started dating, my wonderful guy thinks I'm beautiful and sexy. He frequently post pictures of me on FB and captions them things like, "Isn't she lovely!" He insists that I sleep naked and even in his sleep, he cuddles and caresses me. I didn't get any of this from my refuser ex even when I was in such good shape that much younger men would try to pick me up! My refuser ex would move away from me if I moved next to him while he was sleeping.
May 4, two of my friends got married. They are deeply in love and are Star Wars fans so they had a "May the Fourth" be with you wedding. He lost the bottom half of his face (nose, much of his mouth) and is legally blind due to a suicide attempt about 10 years ago. She is in a wheelchair due to a birth injury. They met in community theater where both are volunteers. They are deeply and obviously in love. While I've never pried into their sex life, I've seen them affectionate with each other. I've also her look at him proudly and with love even though his face has a similarity to the monster Shape of Water.
I know people who have Aspergers, who are very overweight, have severe physical disabilities, mental illness, are dirt poor, are divorced wtih custody of special needs children, or are what I consider homely, yet they have partners who obviously love them and are physically affectionate with them. I don't believe in soul mates. I do believe that with the billions of people in the world, there are many people that any individual person could find mutual love with. One can up ones' odds by being single and by getting involved in activities that one enjoys outside of one's home . Liking and loving oneself also helps a great deal. Becoming the type of person whom you respect and love is very important. That can be difficult to do if one is living with a refuser who also puts you down, but therapy can help. Therapy was of great help to me in becoming a person whom I loved and respected and becoming a person with the guts to let go of my SM.
|
|
|
Post by cassiopeia92 on May 14, 2019 16:04:37 GMT -5
My view has been going through radical change ever since my husband slammed the door on any hope of a future sex life.
I already knew I would never marry again. Nor will I ever share a home or bank account again. If its over its over and the ending should be simple.
But I was also someone who would never cheat and now I am contemplating having just that.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on May 14, 2019 17:14:07 GMT -5
Cassiopeia if you decide to cheat get legal advice first about how a divorce would shake out of you get caught....
|
|
|
Post by baza on May 14, 2019 19:14:34 GMT -5
Over the last few months, I have been pondering the question of, "Why have I chosen to stay?" Several of the reasons are topics discussed on this website frequently. (Finances, family pressure, etc.) There is also my background. I grew up in a culture where divorce was heavily frowned upon.
There is another factor, for me at least. My sexless marriage has fundamentally changed my view of marriage. I have lost the desire to remarry. I have even lost much of the desire for a romantic relationship or sex. Many years ago, I met guy who said he did not believe in love. We did not talk to much about his experience, because at that point, I could not even begin to relate to what he was saying.
Today, I am questioning the existence of love. If love does exist, does an average, or below average guy, have any reasonable hope of finding it? (Men who are highly desired by women would presumably find love easier, so their experience does not count!) Oddly enough, once I started questioning the existence of love, the depression caused by my marriage seemed to lift. My interest in hobbies has returned. I am sleeping much better. I feel noticeably better overall. This is confusing. Are these changes a result of growing older? Does anyone have any thoughts? There are two separate issues involved here. #1 - is divorce. That's a stand alone issue and the case for doing it has to stand up all by itself, and be in your longer term best interests. Really, unless you reckon you would be happier single than you are dysfunctionally married, it is probably not for you. #2 - is a potential relationship in your future (as a single). If you are staying (#1) then a future relationship is a non-event due to your unavailability .... unless you are up for #3, cheating. And that one can fly off at unknown and unknowable tangents. #3 is cheating. And among the many tangents this can fly off to is #1 which is kinda pointless if you reject #1 as a choice in its' own right. As regards love, I think your view is true for you Brother theexplorer . Just as anyones view on the subject is true, for them. Me ? Well yes, I believe in it, it's true for me, in fact I believe I am actually living it right now. Bear in mind tho, I still believed that, even when I wasn't living it.
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on May 15, 2019 21:26:18 GMT -5
My view has been going through radical change ever since my husband slammed the door on any hope of a future sex life. I already knew I would never marry again. Nor will I ever share a home or bank account again. If its over its over and the ending should be simple. But I was also someone who would never cheat and now I am contemplating having just that. I always thought I would never cheat too. I was firmly committed to staying in my 9 years sexless and counting marriage-until I developed feelings for someone else and realized that love feels good. Although that is merely a fantasy relationship (long story) I now feel that I would cheat if the opportunity came up. I'm not thrilled to say that, but it's true. I don't know if I'm leaving or not. I don't know if I have the guts. But I know I'm not happy and knowing that changes things.
|
|
firefollower
Full Member
Only you can prevent forest fires
Posts: 154
Age Range: 51-55
|
Post by firefollower on May 15, 2019 21:46:21 GMT -5
Over the last few months, I have been pondering the question of, "Why have I chosen to stay?" Several of the reasons are topics discussed on this website frequently. (Finances, family pressure, etc.) There is also my background. I grew up in a culture where divorce was heavily frowned upon.
There is another factor, for me at least. My sexless marriage has fundamentally changed my view of marriage. I have lost the desire to remarry. I have even lost much of the desire for a romantic relationship or sex. Many years ago, I met guy who said he did not believe in love. We did not talk to much about his experience, because at that point, I could not even begin to relate to what he was saying.
Today, I am questioning the existence of love. If love does exist, does an average, or below average guy, have any reasonable hope of finding it? (Men who are highly desired by women would presumably find love easier, so their experience does not count!) Oddly enough, once I started questioning the existence of love, the depression caused by my marriage seemed to lift. My interest in hobbies has returned. I am sleeping much better. I feel noticeably better overall. This is confusing. Are these changes a result of growing older? Does anyone have any thoughts? Ok, here are my thoughts for what they are worth...I believe that love (whatever that means) does exist but I don't think it is love for another person...I think it is love of the "new" experiences with someone you are compatible with. Eventually over time routine sets in and two people find themselves in comfortable and familiar surroundings...they are love with the predictability of their lives. Often times in the cases of SM...unmet expectations creep in on both sides or just one side...anger and resentment replaces comfort and predictability. True love for another person may exist but I believe that it is rare. I am not trying to argue against the concept of true love between two people...but, the analytic side of my brain just thinks that at our essence, we are nomadic social beings that move throughout life looking for new experiences and trying to learn from them. Every woman I ever dated taught me something about myself...even my W.
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on May 15, 2019 21:47:25 GMT -5
Over the last few months, I have been pondering the question of, "Why have I chosen to stay?" Several of the reasons are topics discussed on this website frequently. (Finances, family pressure, etc.) There is also my background. I grew up in a culture where divorce was heavily frowned upon.
There is another factor, for me at least. My sexless marriage has fundamentally changed my view of marriage. I have lost the desire to remarry. I have even lost much of the desire for a romantic relationship or sex. Many years ago, I met guy who said he did not believe in love. We did not talk to much about his experience, because at that point, I could not even begin to relate to what he was saying.
Today, I am questioning the existence of love. If love does exist, does an average, or below average guy, have any reasonable hope of finding it? (Men who are highly desired by women would presumably find love easier, so their experience does not count!) Oddly enough, once I started questioning the existence of love, the depression caused by my marriage seemed to lift. My interest in hobbies has returned. I am sleeping much better. I feel noticeably better overall. This is confusing. Are these changes a result of growing older? Does anyone have any thoughts? Why do you think you are unlovable/undesirable? I ask because I too struggle with those same feelings. Of course, being in a sexless marriage does not exactly help one's self esteem. But I've always had self esteem issues. So do a lot of supermodels and other highly "successful" people. My logical side tells me love happens when two compatible people meet at the right time. Finding love is not only for the beautiful, the wealthy or Olympians. Just look at the divorce rates among those groups. You could find love with someone who understands the reasons you are insecure, or who shares your interests and hobbies. So there is hope-IF you can believe that someone could love imperfect you.
|
|
|
Post by Handy on May 15, 2019 22:31:21 GMT -5
Saarinista My logical side tells me love happens when two compatible people meet at the right time. I think the compatibility factor is huge when it comes to happy relationships. OTH, I am experiencing a lack of compatibility in some of my not close relationships. I think people vary so much that compatibility for both sides is somewhat rare. After reading some women's dating experiences, they claim they have to be nice (but don't want to) to so many dates just to get to the end of the date to feel secure.
Maybe this is part of the clause in some dating profiles, "friends first." Yes I know it also means no sex early on.
Maybe it is friends first and if that works, the people will try some light romance. This seems to be my internal plan. I think it avoids some of the ups and downs when establishing a newish relationship.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on May 17, 2019 10:22:58 GMT -5
firefollower said: " am not trying to argue against the concept of true love between two people...but, the analytic side of my brain just thinks that at our essence, we are nomadic social beings that move throughout life looking for new experiences and trying to learn from them. " I believe there are some people who love routine and are content with lives that have so much sameness and routine that I would be bored to tears. I've read that doing new experiences with one's partner is a way of keeping love fresh. That's something that my partner of 6 years and I do our best to build into our relationship. We also are both people who get bored with routine and who like to get involved in new pursuits -- with or without a partner. I have found it important to do some new things without my partner, and for him to do the same without me. This adds to the interesting things we have to talk about when we are together. Interesting article about experiences and relationships: " Try new things together. The key to trying new activities with your partner is that the activities should be something novel and exciting. The novelty helps you and your partner create new memories and feel like a team as you try something new. The excitement of the activity may make you feel like your relationship is more exciting. Researchers have found that trying new things with your partner can help prevent boredom, make you feel closer to your partner, happier with your relationship, and more satisfied with life in general. It doesn't have to be as extreme as white water rafting—something as simple as trying a new type of food, or playing tourist in your own town should do the trick." www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-you-and-me/201204/four-ways-keep-your-relationship-alive
|
|
|
Post by smith227 on May 27, 2019 21:42:50 GMT -5
I can relate to the original post in spades. I left my SM a little over a month ago and feel nothing. I really believe I became so absolutely indifferent during my SM that it’s really carried over. I literally have no desire to meet anyone new. I don’t even think in romantic terms anymore. It all seems like too much effort. I’d rather be lonely than alone than risk being lonely again with someone. I’m at the point of thinking that I’m almost 41. I’ve been married twice and have had 2 other significant relationships in my life. Maybe it’s me. I’ve had plenty of opportunity. Granted, the only relationship that didn’t include sex and affection and intimacy or really any touch at all was the one I just left, and maybe that’s what did it for me. I just think if love existed for me it would have happened. I’m exhausted with all of it.
|
|
|
Post by sadkat on May 28, 2019 8:49:09 GMT -5
I think you might just be in a funk right now smith227. Take this time to learn more about yourself and don’t worry so much about what you are feeling (I know it’s way easier said than done!). It’s never too late for romance- you’ll know it when you find it. It’s definitely not you!
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on May 28, 2019 9:34:02 GMT -5
Smith227 said: “I left my SM a little over a month ago and feel nothing.”
Sounds normal. It takes a while to heal from the trauma of a SM.
|
|
|
Post by jonsmyth on Jul 3, 2019 11:08:07 GMT -5
When I married my husband, it was to solidify our relationship we had been in for over two years. I married him because I loved him, and we were having sex or making love (there is a difference) at least two times a day. And then the SM started. We have now been married 10 years and our sex consists of him doing heavy foreplay and getting me excited, and then him rolling over to go to sleep, leaving me sexually frustrated. If I attempt to get things to go further, he tells me he has to go to work early and is too tired.
I started thinking about what I asked of him when we got married. I had one request and that was that he love me, which I believe he does. I didn’t ask him to make love to me, despite him telling me before we got married that if I couldn’t keep up with him sexually, we were done. Now the shoe is in the other foot. Do I leave him because he is the one who can’t keep up with me sexually, or stay in a relationship because of love, and believing he deeply cares for me despite no sex?
In reviewing what you stated, I believe we can be in love with someone (hook, line and sinker) and we can also love someone but not be in love with them. Do I stay in the SM and continue on and have a mister on the side for sex, or do I allow my sexual needs to dry up and continue to feel unwanted sexually? I watched the struggles my parents had after my father had three heart attacks and tried everything to get an erection (pills, shots, butt plugs, cockrings, etc.), along with counseling. I have tried to get my husband to consider a cockring or even therapy. One minute he admits he has an issue, and the next it’s suddenly my problem and not him.
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Jul 3, 2019 11:18:06 GMT -5
Perhaps you would do well to read baseballgirl's history. She has navigated her way to successfully having the marriage and being sexually fulfilled with an AP. There might be something useful there for you.
|
|