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Post by baza on Jun 4, 2019 1:01:47 GMT -5
Not really noteworthy except that she had been away for a week, I missed her, and tried to initiate tonight after she'd been back for a couple of days. And was refused again. This time it was because my body temperature is warm, and it's too hot out. She said o should try in winter. .... This is just plain crazy...it just shows that after awhile they can use any excuse no matter how ridiculous. I would probably prefer her saying...no, I am not interested in having sex with you now or at any time...roll over and go to sleep. This bit - "it just shows that after awhile they can use any excuse no matter how ridiculous."
Is right on the money. A good valid excuse that you accept in good faith = no sex for you. A fanciful bullshit excuse that you accept with incredulity and disbelief = no sex for you. A bullshit excuse that you don't accept and start an argument about also results in = no sex for you. So any excuse, bogus or Gods own truth achieves the aim = no sex for you.
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Post by baza on Jun 3, 2019 22:31:47 GMT -5
You don't HAVE to leave either Brother larry101 . Staying is every bit as valid a choice as leaving. One carries no more (or less) weight than the other as far as being "right" or "wrong". Your choice (whatever that choice might be) needs to stand up all by itself and be based on your longer term best interests. If you do that, you can't go too far wrong.
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Post by baza on Jun 3, 2019 21:36:01 GMT -5
Just in regard to ultimatums Brother larry101 . The golden rule in these situations is, under no circumstances ever make an ultimatum or threat that you are not prepared to follow through with. Your credibility is one of the best tools you have in the bag - that if you say something, you mean it. Sometimes in here, members make threats in the heat of the moment that they can't deliver on. And that tends to shred their cred, and educate the spouse that you need not be taken seriously. It can propel you backwards by months.
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Post by baza on Jun 3, 2019 21:26:31 GMT -5
Quoting you here Brother larry101 - "I'm curious. Maybe this Warrants a different thread or maybe one already exists... I've never been with another woman since a tied the knot. Will my built up resentment carry over to future relationships? Specifically, my ultra high sensitivity to rejection". Living in an ILIASM deal definitely has deleterious effects on you and your thinking. It comes with the territory unfortunately. And that could carry over into a future relationship. There is a whole heap of stuff one has to "unlearn" from the ILIASM experience. However, it IS manageable, and the fact that you recognise this could be the case is half the battle. But to some extent, the cart is before the horse here a tad. The current and immediate problem is resolving your present deal with your present missus. That's a stand alone issue.
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Post by baza on Jun 3, 2019 20:40:12 GMT -5
Picture I'm getting as you divulge more information Sister GoldenBubble , is that your spouse is jealous, manipulative and controlling. Maybe it is he who needs to get into individual counselling to work on his assorted issues. He seems to be the one with all the problems. He recently admitted to the jealousy. When I challenge him on it he says "I've just never felt this way before so I don't really know how to handle it. I just feel scared and I don't know why." Guess that explains why his previous partners were ugly. It made him feel secure. I'd have my money on your spouse being a jealous manipulative controller with partner #1, and she gave him the arse. Then he learned nothing out of that and did the same thing with partner #2 until she got sick of it, again learned nothing and is currently doing the same thing with you.
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Post by baza on Jun 3, 2019 20:07:47 GMT -5
Hello larry101 . You mention feeling being "pushed toward the door". Do you have a clue what might lie on the other side of that door ? It might be a good idea to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you. That's not to say you'd go down that road, but as a perfectly legitimate option it warrants checking out in detail.
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Post by baza on Jun 3, 2019 19:50:51 GMT -5
Joint counselling requires two people to turn up with their individual shit pretty well sorted out. From that base the two people can turn their attention to digging down into the joint situation and get to the truth of the situation, whatever that may be. Have you got your own shit fairly well sorted out Brother larry101 ? Has your missus got her own shit fairly well sorted out ? If the answer to both those questions is "yes" then joint counselling could be extremely helpful. But if the answer to either question is "no" then joint counselling is pretty useless.
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Post by baza on Jun 3, 2019 19:34:12 GMT -5
You've been a member here since January 2017 Brother deadzone75 and have contributed quite a few threads, and those threads have attracted quite a few comments. Plus, you've had 2.5 years worth of reading other peoples stories and the comments there-on as well. You're not a 'newbie', you know what's going on, you've seen all the options. In about April 2017 you seemed to be leaning toward the leaving option and there were a fair few responses offering suggestions in that regard, but you had financial issues that were going to take a couple of years to sort out. That's more or less now, June 2019. Is this posting just a vent mate ? Or is there something you are looking for some input on ?
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Post by baza on Jun 3, 2019 4:57:42 GMT -5
Welcome to the zoo Sister esmerelda . It sort of reads like if you could leave, you would leave .... and the pivotal thing that it swings on, is 'money'. Have you seen a lawyer yet, to establish how a divorce would shake out for you ? Possibly, you might find that you could come out of such a scenario in not bad financial shape. Or, you might find the exact opposite. But you would at least "know". And of course, "knowing" commits you to precisely nothing. You aren't obliged to do anything as a result of "knowing". All you'd be doing is checking out the perfectly valid "leaving" option. Meantime your spouse may or may not continue his treatment regime for his assorted issues, and he'll either be successful in this work, or he won't be. That's a matter out of your control. Perhaps running the clock on this is the way to go for you Sister esmerelda . If he's made some significant progress in say 90 days then there might be a case to make that things are on the improve. In which case you might extend a further period of grace to him. Potentially though, it appears hard and difficult choices are ahead of you. So it's important to establish how a divorce would shake out for you so you can make a fully informed choice. Good luck. These are very challenging situations we are (or have been) in.
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Post by baza on Jun 2, 2019 21:58:01 GMT -5
Picture I'm getting as you divulge more information Sister GoldenBubble , is that your spouse is jealous, manipulative and controlling. Maybe it is he who needs to get into individual counselling to work on his assorted issues. He seems to be the one with all the problems.
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Post by baza on Jun 2, 2019 21:49:14 GMT -5
Or - if you are anything like me - you direct your focus elsewhere by "why chasing", thinking you are doing something productive about the actual problem, when all you're really doing is dicking about and avoiding the actual problem.
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Post by baza on Jun 1, 2019 19:33:51 GMT -5
I think it comes down to this .... #1 - what do you think would be the worst case scenario should you choose to cheat ? #2 - Are you prepared for, and can you handle, the worst case scenario that may ensue from cheating ? If you don't know the answer to question #1 above, then going back to the drawing board would by my suggestion. And if your answer to #2 is "no", then again, back to the drawing board would be my suggestion. This bit (if indeed this is what you're thinking) - "perhaps this is a self destruct move, perhaps this dong something on purpose to upset and burn the apple cart" - is really trying to shift your responsibility of choice onto your missus. To get her to make the call. You would probably do better by taking a more pro-active position here Brother spencer . The responsibility here to make the hard choices is really yours, not your missus'.
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Post by baza on Jun 1, 2019 5:46:13 GMT -5
There's several things that bring about ILIASM deals. #1 - is your own choices dumping you in the shit. #2 - is someone else's choice that - as collateral damage - dumps you in the shit. #3 - random events handed out by the cosmos that dump you in the shit. That you have chosen to stay in your deal for a number of years is a #1. That your missus behaviours have disenfranchised you is a #2. That your missus now has a serious medical issue is a #3. But irrespective of "how" you ended up in the shit, it is going to be you, and only you, who digs you out. And at times "timing" is in your favour, and sometimes it ain't. Clearly here as events have unfolded, "timing" is not in your favour. If your missus' condition is as serious as it seems, your focus is obviously going to be on that. Hope this all turns out ok Brother lessingham
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Post by baza on Jun 1, 2019 2:34:28 GMT -5
I would likewise argue that having a partner that checks all your boxes on paper but with whom there is no chemistry would also be a recipe for disaster. Yes. Manson notes that too. He reckons that if your core values align pretty well then you'll be pretty much compatible and be able to have a good relationship, albeit without a lot of excitement to it. And for a lot of people that's good enough. In a situation where your core values line up, and there's chemistry too, you can have a spectacular relationship. That's an optimal result. However if you have chemistry, but incompatible core values, a big fuck up ensues. And along with that, if you have chemistry with them, but they don't have it with you, trouble looms ahead as well. It is interesting that in ILIASM deals, people tend to say - "everything is great bar the sex" - which might translate as - "our core values line up but there's no chemistry". Then, as they flesh their story out it often emerges that their core values are actually poles apart too. They don't have compatibility or chemistry.
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Post by baza on May 31, 2019 18:41:44 GMT -5
Mark Manson has some views on this subject Sister workingonit . Indeed he reckons that a combination of someone you have chemistry with, but not much compatibility with, is a recipe for disaster. I would likewise argue that having a partner that checks all your boxes on paper but with whom there is no chemistry would also be a recipe for disaster. Yes. Manson notes that too. He reckons that if your core values align pretty well then you'll be pretty much compatible and be able to have a good relationship, albeit without a lot of excitement to it. And for a lot of people that's good enough. In a situation where your core values line up, and there's chemistry too, you can have a spectacular relationship. That's an optimal result. However if you have chemistry, but incompatible core values, a big fuck up ensues. It is interesting that in ILIASM deals, people tend to say - "everything is great bar the sex" - which might translate as - "our core values line up but there's no chemistry". Then, as they flesh their story out it often emerges that their core values are actually poles apart too. They don't have compatibility or chemistry.
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