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Post by GoldenBubble on Jun 2, 2019 11:14:29 GMT -5
My DH complains weekly that we aren't having sex often enough. He says 1-3 times a week is what he wants but we usually average twice a month. Many times he will say "I want us to be together tonight" and he'll flirt all day long by phone or text and then at 9pm he announces he's tired and goes to bed. He doesn't say he's waiting for me. I'll go in the bedroom and he's pretending to be asleep. Fake snoring and everything. He waits until I get into bed (earplugs in) and screams at me "Aren't you even going to say goodnight to me?". WTF? ?? Or he'll plan a very romantic date and then after a wonderful evening he'll tell me he's tired and goes to bed without me. And then the next morning he'll complain about not having sex the night before. I've been seeing a counselor and she warned me to never have sex after he complains because it will reinforce it. He uses nagging as a way of initiating. Like negative initiation. He only kisses and flirts when nothing can realistically happen. He prefers to ambush me from behind with kisses on the neck but rarely kisses me on the lips. He'll pinch my butt when I walk by but won't hug me. He'll tell me ILY in the morning when he goes to work when he thinks I'm asleep but not when I'm awake. If I initiate he plays games and often will refuse. And then complain about lack of sex. When we actually are together it is wonderful and we both feel very happy. We don't have problems with having it--just the initiating part. Like he doesn't want me to know his desire. Seems as if he's hiding it but still expects sex without showing his desire for sex. He often rejects me when he's upset with his family. I don't understand why he does that. I started pulling away because he was rejecting me after we got married because his adult sons didn't approve of our marriage. We are a different religion than them.
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 2, 2019 12:12:18 GMT -5
GoldenBubble, fuck that - life’s too short to tolerate someone screwing with you like this. It sounds like he has some weird issues with intimacy and manipulation / control. Where do you see this heading in 5, 10, 20 years? It’s great that you’re going to counseling to stay grounded. But realize the best your counselor can do for your husband’s behavior is to help you find ways to cope with his dysfunction. Your ability to retrain his behavior is very limited. Real change on his part requires action on his part, which first requires him to acknowledge issues and then have a desire to change. You can’t do that for him.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 2, 2019 12:30:01 GMT -5
DryCreek hit the nail on the head I think. This has to be some of the worst manipulation and control I have seen posted at this site. This guy dangles the carrot and then jerks it away when you reach for it. F that is right. This also reads like someone who has intimacy issues. He may want physical pleasure but isn't willing to commit himself to a satisfying experience for both of you, and then blames you when his poor attempt at foreplay falls on it's face.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 2, 2019 13:19:27 GMT -5
If your husband is willing to enter joint counseling and work on changing his behavior, he may change. Otherwise, this is probably the best sexual relationship with him you will have. It’s great that you are in individual counseling but that counseling won’t change him, just give you support and clarification.
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Post by Handy on Jun 2, 2019 14:02:44 GMT -5
GoldenBubble, your H sounds like he has some maybe shame issues or hang-ups with sexuality. I think joint sexual counseling to talk about what he thinks sexuality includes or does not include would help a lot.
rom your other post, it sounds as if he were stuck sexually in about the 6th or 7th grade.
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 2, 2019 20:05:44 GMT -5
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but the lightbulb has to WANT to change.
I am sorry for your predicament. Welcome to the forum. I hope we can be of some support, and help you find the solution that works best for you.
He is playing games at your expense. I don't know why. Maybe he is screwed up and does not realize he is hurting you. Maybe he likes hurting you. Either way, what he is doing is unhealthy. Why he is doing this does not matter if HE does not want to change.
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Post by GoldenBubble on Jun 2, 2019 20:53:48 GMT -5
Thanks everyone for the quick responses. It's somewhat reassuring that I'm not crazy. What's weird is that in every other way he is wonderful--takes me out every Saturday night, frequent gifts, lunches, brags on me, compliments me, and when we are intimate he is very very giving and romantic. When we go on vacation we have sex every day at least once and he's very adventurous. The only issue we have is his inability to express his desire to be together and then follow through. I don't understand why he lays in bed horny and pretends to be asleep. My counselor thinks he's terrified of rejection. He does have shame issues from his first marriage where the wife would do the starfish and say "Hurry up" and call him an animal for wanting sex.
Another issue is hard to explain but bear with me--I'm much more attractive than his previous partners and he's accustomed to being the good looking one in the relationship. He freaks out when I go out without him even to the nail salon. He tells me all the time how proud I make him feel because of my looks and he's never had that before. He checks my cellphone sometimes and questions my kids about where I'm at all the time.
I get the feeling that he's afraid that he loves me more than I love him so he doesn't even want to show more sexual desire than I do. Does any of this make sense?
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 2, 2019 21:07:54 GMT -5
We have no idea what’s going with him. But couples therapy —if he works at it— might end his confusing behavior.
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Post by csl on Jun 2, 2019 21:46:58 GMT -5
What does he say when you confront him about his lack of initiation? As in, "Well, you were the one pretending to snore? Why did you pretend to snore?" Or, "If you wanted to have sex when you go to the bedroom, why didn't you say something like 'I'm going to get ready, can you be there in 10 minutes?'"
Have you been specific in calling him on the garbage?
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Post by Handy on Jun 2, 2019 21:47:10 GMT -5
GoldenBubble My counselor thinks he's terrified of rejection. He does have shame issues from his first marriage where the wife would do the starfish and say "Hurry up" and call him an animal for wanting sex.
I say that your counselor is on to something important. I have read stories from other people similar to yours.
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Post by baza on Jun 2, 2019 21:58:01 GMT -5
Picture I'm getting as you divulge more information Sister GoldenBubble , is that your spouse is jealous, manipulative and controlling. Maybe it is he who needs to get into individual counselling to work on his assorted issues. He seems to be the one with all the problems.
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Post by GoldenBubble on Jun 3, 2019 8:04:33 GMT -5
What does he say when you confront him about his lack of initiation? As in, "Well, you were the one pretending to snore? Why did you pretend to snore?" Or, "If you wanted to have sex when you go to the bedroom, why didn't you say something like 'I'm going to get ready, can you be there in 10 minutes?'" Have you been specific in calling him on the garbage? Yes I have tried to address specific behaviors but he plays the victim card. He seems really invested in the victim identity as if if works for him somehow. I spend a lot of time ignoring him when he's acting that way and I give lots of space. I even have considered doing an FLR and discussed it with him. He agreed to do it but his post-coital behavior towards me was atrocious so I haven't continued. I truly believe he's sexually a submissive but after we had some sessions with me being domme he acted really badly towards me the next day. Was he trying to reassert manliness by being an aggressive asshole?
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Post by GoldenBubble on Jun 3, 2019 8:06:16 GMT -5
Picture I'm getting as you divulge more information Sister GoldenBubble , is that your spouse is jealous, manipulative and controlling. Maybe it is he who needs to get into individual counselling to work on his assorted issues. He seems to be the one with all the problems. He recently admitted to the jealousy. When I challenge him on it he says "I've just never felt this way before so I don't really know how to handle it. I just feel scared and I don't know why." Guess that explains why his previous partners were ugly. It made him feel secure.
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Post by workingonit on Jun 3, 2019 9:07:30 GMT -5
It sounds less like a SM and more like a communication problem. The idea that there is an issue-free relationship in the world is a fallacy. We all have baggage and issues. The question is what do you do to manage them. His issues are insecurity and therefore some anxiety. I would imagine you complaining about sex makes his insecurity worse. So what are your options? My suggestion would be to focus on communication (therapy too) between the 2 of you, and positive time together like vacations, etc. If he has the willingness to work on himself this does sound workable to me. The fact that he will engage and can be adventurous is a pretty strong ground to build on.
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Post by shamwow on Jun 3, 2019 9:43:55 GMT -5
My ex used to do this. She would tell me I come to bed too late for sex (she's too tired) so I'd go to bed earlier. When I did that she would tell me she wasn't ready for bed yet. When she would hear me in the living room turning off the TV (she was in the bedroom watching the 19 inch tube TV in the bedroom rather than spend time together) she would turn off the TV, scurry to the light switch, turn off the lights, and within 90 seconds be sound asleep. She was apparently too dumb to realize I could see when the lights went off from under the door. I actually got to the point where I pulled out a timer to see if she was improving on her time. Ain't that sad? But in the end, these games didn't matter. She didn't want me, and after enough years of that type of crap I found I no longer wanted her. There have been costs but also amazing rewards (looking at you ballofconfusion). As for my ex and her games? Good riddance.
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