spencer
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Post by spencer on May 25, 2019 17:45:43 GMT -5
It seems that some women are kinky, enjoy exploring their sexuality, while others box it up and try to bury it. I should have ran for the hills when our wedding night had no action, but you kid yourself that you can change things or they will change.
Now, far too late, I think its something that is there or not.
What do you think, is interest in sexuality something in built?
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Post by baza on May 25, 2019 20:26:08 GMT -5
Yes, I think that types exist.
I ain't so sure that this knowledge (that types exist) is particularly useful however.
See, there are people out there who enjoy exploring their sexuality, and there are others box it up and try to bury it. But that is the "general" macro view.
In an ILIASM situation, you need to get down to the micro view. That is to say does YOUR spouse specifically enjoy exploring their sexuality, or box it up and try to bury it, or just doesn't have it at all ?
You need to deal with the situation you are actually in.
If you are in an ILIASM deal, that's the fact that has to be dealt with.
What might apply generally to the population at large is really only of academic interest if you are in an ILIASM deal.
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Post by DryCreek on May 26, 2019 12:56:18 GMT -5
spencer, it’s a curiosity, but in the end does it matter? Either way, it’s broken. To your question, I think both. Nature vs. nurture, both are causes for this behavior. Maybe because brain or chemistry don’t fuel the desire. Maybe because it was shamed during childhood or due to trauma. It’s a rare case that either one sees a change.
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Post by northstarmom on May 26, 2019 13:06:03 GMT -5
Yes, I think types exist. I also think compatibility exists. And in a sexless marriage, if one's partner has always refused or been a reluctant partner in sex, they are not compatible with you. They may even be a very sexual person, just not with you, and there's nothing you can do to change them. Chasing their whys won't help. One can only change the things under your own control.
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Post by ironhamster on May 26, 2019 23:46:11 GMT -5
There are two types of people. People that separate people into two categories and people that don't.
But, seriously, yes, I do think there are types. I think there is a lot that plays into sexuality, starting with genetics and exposure to hormones during development to exposure to sexual ideas to innate undiscovered inclinations just waiting to be explored.
I had a masochistic side I was aware of in highschool, but that got shelved because most people just thought it was weird.
I know a man in the kink community who's mother was a prostitute, and he heard her talk about what her Johns were into, so the first time he started to have sex with a girl in highschool she freaked out because "normal people" did not do the things he did. But, kink was all he was exposed to, so that was normal to him.
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spencer
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Post by spencer on May 27, 2019 4:46:18 GMT -5
Yes I've been exploring some online communities and widening my eyes a little. I'm not into anything wild, but certainly don't mind exploring the edges of various fetishes (if ever I could get the chance).
Also remembering, a little too late, that women can actually be quite into sex, in a non-passive way. Having spent so long with someone that really dosn't to have ever had a sex drive or want to explore their sexuality (don't even like themselves), means I'd forgotten this.
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Post by ironhamster on May 28, 2019 2:16:35 GMT -5
Yes. Women can indeed be quite into sex. I had girlfriends that were. I thought my fiance was looking forward to being sexually active, but, that did not work out. I think she was told to wait for marriage and what a wonderful thing it would be, so she waited, and then was too scared to let it happen, and, then when it did happen it was not magical to her at all, and, rather than be honest about that, the excuses started, and kept coming, even after I just wasn't buying them anymore.
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Post by shamwow on May 28, 2019 16:56:26 GMT -5
Yes, I think that types exist. I ain't so sure that this knowledge (that types exist) is particularly useful however. See, there are people out there who enjoy exploring their sexuality, and there are others box it up and try to bury it. But that is the "general" macro view. In an ILIASM situation, you need to get down to the micro view. That is to say does YOUR spouse specifically enjoy exploring their sexuality, or box it up and try to bury it, or just doesn't have it at all ? You need to deal with the situation you are actually in. If you are in an ILIASM deal, that's the fact that has to be dealt with. What might apply generally to the population at large is really only of academic interest if you are in an ILIASM deal. Even more micro is do they enjoy sex with YOU? Stories abound of spouses who seemingly had no interest in sex or intimacy suddenly discovering an interest as soon as they could choose another partner.
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spencer
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Post by spencer on May 28, 2019 17:37:18 GMT -5
shamwow reading article titled "Are we moving towards a society where everyone is polyamorous or in open relationships?" (google it) The older I get the more open to this kind of thinking I am.
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Post by workingonit on May 29, 2019 10:50:27 GMT -5
I don't really believe in types so much. But I do believe in chemistry. I think chemistry can totally exist even with the "wrong" (i.e. not your type) person.
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Post by isthisit on May 29, 2019 11:12:55 GMT -5
Yes, my view is that types exist. I cannot imagine my H being hot for anyone during the last decade of our marriage at least. Understanding this made no difference whatsoever to my reality though. Nor the number done on my self esteem. However, these are now in my hands (and actually always were but I didn’t recognise this soon enough).
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Post by Handy on May 29, 2019 14:02:11 GMT -5
I am going to agree with Workingonit, that chemistry plays a significant role for many average people in many ways.
I have read enough post by women to know a few women will have sex with many men they have some type of connection. The connection or chemistry only had to be insignificant because they likes sex and weren't looking for exclusivity. One woman even said she couldn't guess how many men she had sex with when asked by her doctor during an exam for some related issue. What percentage of women fall in this group, I don't know.
The next group of sex positive woman seems from my readings is the woman that really likes sex but there has to be some chemistry for her. One woman in particular said several times she tries to have sex on the first or second date to try out the guy. Her operating process is the sex has to be good and wants to find out early and not waste time. If the sex is so-so or not good there are no more dates.
The next type of sexual drive might be, there is chemistry and after a few dates or if things go right, then sex happens but the chemistry has to be strong.
One other type is a man or woman that has a sex drive but not for his or her long term partner. In addition there is a sex drive related to "new relationship energy" which might feel similar to "bait and switch."
Bottom line sexuality can be complicated.
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Post by northstarmom on May 29, 2019 14:51:32 GMT -5
handy said: "I have read enough post by women to know a few women will have sex with many men they have some type of connection. The connection or chemistry only had to be insignificant because they likes sex and weren't looking for exclusivity. One woman even said she couldn't guess how many men she had sex with when asked by her doctor during an exam for some related issue. What percentage of women fall in this group, I don't know. The next group of sex positive woman seems from my readings is the woman that really likes sex but there has to be some chemistry for her. One woman in particular said several times she tries to have sex on the first or second date to try out the guy. Her operating process is the sex has to be good and wants to find out early and not waste time. If the sex is so-so or not good there are no more dates." There's some evidence that real chemistry -- i.e. chemicals, pheremones -- plays a big role in sexual attraction. I remember being immediately turned on by the scent of a man standing next to me on a subway. We never spoke. I don't even remember what he looked like. It was his scent that attracted me. The first time post SM partner and I kissed, I immediately was turned on. His taste, scent, technique all turned me on that I immediately got wet. That was very different from my first kiss with my ex. I remember thinking then that he was a lousy kisser but surely things would get better. They didn't. Meanwhile, I love post SM's scent so much that sometimes I bury my nose in his crotch to inhale his scent. Some research indicates that people select lovers with contasting DNA. www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/science-news/5379099/Sexual-chemistry-found-in-genes-causes-opposites-to-attract.htmlStill, chemistry isn't the only determinant of whether people have sex or marry. For instance, a man might select a woman whom he isn't that sexually attracted to but believes she's the type of wife his family wants him to have. A woman may choose to have sex with and marry a man who meets her criteria of the type of man who'd make a good husband and father. That criteria may include his income, sense of responsibility, social status, faithfulness, but may not include his being sexually attractive to her.
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firefollower
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Post by firefollower on May 29, 2019 15:11:55 GMT -5
I also think that you can move between types...My W started out as the type to have sex on the second or third date...she was very open about it...stating that I wanted to see if he was any good...In the beginning she was very open about her sexuality, what she like and didn't like...fast forward 20 years and she is in the take or leave it category. Her often used line to me is...I don't see what the big deal is, it's just sex...we have not changed much physically since we were married...we are older but roughly the same body types...we both could probably find willing partners our same age. I really think in her case, hormones are the culprit...her chemistry is not telling her she is horny...she uses excuses to let me down easily but she can get ugly when I don't seem to get the message. Just found out the other day she was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. An auto immune disease...I don't know how this factors into libido.
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Post by isthisit on May 29, 2019 15:28:39 GMT -5
I also think that you can move between types...My W started out as the type to have sex on the second or third date...she was very open about it...stating that I wanted to see if he was any good...In the beginning she was very open about her sexuality, what she like and didn't like...fast forward 20 years and she is in the take or leave it category. Her often used line to me is...I don't see what the big deal is, it's just sex...we have not changed much physically since we were married...we are older but roughly the same body types...we both could probably find willing partners our same age. I really think in her case, hormones are the culprit...her chemistry is not telling her she is horny...she uses excuses to let me down easily but she can get ugly when I don't seem to get the message. Just found out the other day she was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. An auto immune disease...I don't know how this factors into libido. Oh sure I agree with this totally. I wouldn't have given H five minutes of my time when we met if he was as panda like as he became. We had five years of couldn't be bettered sex in terms of quality, quantity, variety, you name it..... and then he was distracted by a hobby and the slippery slope began. firefollower sorry to hear about your W's RA diagnosis, that's a miserable thing to live with.
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