spencer
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Post by spencer on May 29, 2019 16:08:22 GMT -5
My wife had definitely not even explored herself much before we got together (I was her first).
Back then I reasoned she'd just ramp up and engage with interest over the years and even saw it as a positive thing, a chance to explore together for her to learn about it all over following years, starting from a lower level gave us more time to reach the top. How wrong I was.No w I understand she is (in my view) leaning towards being on the spectrum of Ace. However, back then, having from a young age had a very healthy interest in sexuality, it wasn't on my radar or something I'd even understand, that someone could not be into sexuality and touch and intimacy. (and i still maintain I could manage without the sex if we physical intimacy in other ways. Hugs, cuddles, touching, kisses etc. In my case there has been no change of type just an entrenching of position.
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Post by Handy on May 29, 2019 18:47:36 GMT -5
Northstarmom, there have been several TV and Youtube videos about pheromones/smells people generate. So yes chemistry (attraction) exists on several levels.
On one TV program 10 men wore clean t shirts for a fixed time period. No external scents were allowed, just the guys natural pheromones. The next day 10 women smelled the 10 T-shirts and decided which T shirt they each likes the best. Then the 10 men and women met in person, not knowing which woman liked which man's T-shirt. Most of the women picked the man that correlated to the T shirt each woman chose prior to meeting the men.
I suspect other things were also at play. Like it was said before, first chemistry attractions get people to get together but it mght not be good enough for a LTR.
I was reading an affair forum and some first impressions lead to hot sex but when the newness wore off one or both decided they were ready to move on.
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Post by baza on May 30, 2019 3:29:54 GMT -5
I don't really believe in types so much. But I do believe in chemistry. I think chemistry can totally exist even with the "wrong" (i.e. not your type) person. Mark Manson has some views on this subject Sister workingonit . Indeed he reckons that a combination of someone you have chemistry with, but not much compatibility with, is a recipe for disaster.
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Post by shamwow on May 30, 2019 7:08:18 GMT -5
shamwow reading article titled "Are we moving towards a society where everyone is polyamorous or in open relationships?" (google it) The older I get the more open to this kind of thinking I am. To each their own. And I seriously mean that. The article you cited refers to people who move in and out of relationships, never being able to put all their energy into any one person. Relationships are hard in general, and poly/open relationships seem inherrently unstable. Bouncing from relationship to relationship with multiple people sounds like a great way to quickly accumulate "baggage" (emotional as well as health). My desire is to find someone I love and want to grow old with. I thought this was my ex even with the bait and switch in the beginning. I was obviously wrong. Now, I have found someone in ballofconfusion. The fact that she has been through the same SM nightmare as I have ironically creates a bond and understanding that I've never known before. That bond would be difficult to forge if Betty and/or Steve were thrown into the mix. I'm no longer a believer in the institution of marriage. It's good to keep people together during the rough years when the kids are little. But it is also something that can be "weaponized". People use the power of that institution to keep their partner "stuck" long after they have given up on maintaining their end of the relationship. Everyone here understands this, of course. If you look at the data, there is a rise in poly/open relationships. But that is dwarfed by the rise in those who delay or never get married. For those, serial mogonomy seems to be the order of the day. One person at a time for as long as it lasts. Then back to the dating pool. Again, not my cup of tea. I figured out what I wanted. I figured out how to get it. Then I went and took it. And I'm happier than a pig in shit (God I've got such a silver tongue) with my little ballofconfusion.
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Post by northstarmom on May 30, 2019 8:26:21 GMT -5
I’m not into poly. I am into serial monogamy, not marriage. Thus far, my serial monogamy with post sm guy has lasted a happy 6 years.
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Post by workingonit on May 30, 2019 10:08:51 GMT -5
I don't really believe in types so much. But I do believe in chemistry. I think chemistry can totally exist even with the "wrong" (i.e. not your type) person. Mark Manson has some views on this subject Sister workingonit . Indeed he reckons that a combination of someone you have chemistry with, but not much compatibility with, is a recipe for disaster. I would likewise argue that having a partner that checks all your boxes on paper but with whom there is no chemistry would also be a recipe for disaster.
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Post by ironhamster on May 30, 2019 10:10:03 GMT -5
I have friends that fit into all sorts of categories, including the relationship anarchists. I imagine that there are just as many versions of relationship anarchy as there are practitioners. They don't have defined relationships, but, in a way or other, they do have relationships.
My situation is asymetrical. I only have one woman I love, and she is my sex partner, also. She is ok with it if I have sex outside of our relationship, but it just hasn't happened yet. There are other women that I am developing relationships that will be erotic or sexual in nature, but won't likely include actual sex. I have no expectations of my girlfriend other than honesty and that she loves me as her primary interest. Honesty is something I feel I never got in my marriage. I am happier in an honest open relationship than I ever was married.
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spencer
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Post by spencer on May 30, 2019 15:09:02 GMT -5
Relationships are really hard to maintain, especially as you both change over time and for periods tug in different directions others pull together. However with over 42% of marriages ending in divorce, something is wrong.
I think the article just highlights there are lots of different ways of running a relationship.
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Post by tinymouse on May 31, 2019 10:15:52 GMT -5
I actuallybstaryed exploring kink because of being so unsatisfied in my sexless relationship. I started reading some BDSM stories on literotica and thought wow that's how I can actually receive pleasure. I think it is much more complicated than just those 2 types.
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spencer
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Post by spencer on May 31, 2019 11:36:02 GMT -5
tinymouse Yes the collar, pet play thing was something I laughed off and dismissed, until recently when I had it explained to me by someone who is into it. Now can't wait to put a collar on someone and take them out for walkies (preferably after dark hehe). Kinks for me are like that, something catches my imagination, usually by being introduced to it by someone. Others I was born with.
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Post by elkclan2 on May 31, 2019 15:58:44 GMT -5
Poly? Meh... When I started dating my man, he was looking for a poly relationship and already had someone he was seeing about once a week (as was I). But over time both of our other partners could see we were getting super serious and stepped out of the way. And we slipped into monogamy which is quite deliberate now. I was never really into poly, but it felt 'safer'... I didn't want to end up sexless in a relationship or out of it again. He says he thought poly was the only way he could make sure he didn't end up sexless either. Really you need someone who prioritises your happiness, including your sexual happiness. We are two years in and our sex life is super hot.
In my SM, at the very, very best of times I'd maybe get sex once a week. Mostly not though...
Now I have weeks where maybe there's a day we don't have sex if life is getting pretty chaotic. But after about 36 hours both of us are mentioning it and making sure we set aside time to have sex. But we rarely get to that point. And it's awesome!!
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Post by baza on May 31, 2019 18:41:44 GMT -5
Mark Manson has some views on this subject Sister workingonit . Indeed he reckons that a combination of someone you have chemistry with, but not much compatibility with, is a recipe for disaster. I would likewise argue that having a partner that checks all your boxes on paper but with whom there is no chemistry would also be a recipe for disaster. Yes. Manson notes that too. He reckons that if your core values align pretty well then you'll be pretty much compatible and be able to have a good relationship, albeit without a lot of excitement to it. And for a lot of people that's good enough. In a situation where your core values line up, and there's chemistry too, you can have a spectacular relationship. That's an optimal result. However if you have chemistry, but incompatible core values, a big fuck up ensues. It is interesting that in ILIASM deals, people tend to say - "everything is great bar the sex" - which might translate as - "our core values line up but there's no chemistry". Then, as they flesh their story out it often emerges that their core values are actually poles apart too. They don't have compatibility or chemistry.
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Post by baza on Jun 1, 2019 2:34:28 GMT -5
I would likewise argue that having a partner that checks all your boxes on paper but with whom there is no chemistry would also be a recipe for disaster. Yes. Manson notes that too. He reckons that if your core values align pretty well then you'll be pretty much compatible and be able to have a good relationship, albeit without a lot of excitement to it. And for a lot of people that's good enough. In a situation where your core values line up, and there's chemistry too, you can have a spectacular relationship. That's an optimal result. However if you have chemistry, but incompatible core values, a big fuck up ensues. And along with that, if you have chemistry with them, but they don't have it with you, trouble looms ahead as well. It is interesting that in ILIASM deals, people tend to say - "everything is great bar the sex" - which might translate as - "our core values line up but there's no chemistry". Then, as they flesh their story out it often emerges that their core values are actually poles apart too. They don't have compatibility or chemistry.
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Post by Handy on Jun 3, 2019 12:30:03 GMT -5
Do types exist? I recently watched a video promoting the H hiring a stud for the W. I know there is a lot of acting in erotic-porn videos but the examples given seem to indicate some women really go wild and enjoy a professional fuck from a stud. To me there were too many women that got to the point of tears of joy and too many women totally drained post sexual romp, with the hired stud to be all fake or acting. I can imagine this stud business only appeals to a few women but still, I never saw so many women seemingly enjoying sex to a point I never expected. This is totally opposite what I was told prior to me getting the Internet and then trying to filter out the acting many women seem to be doing when they supposedly are having a good time sexually. If the women were acting in the professional stud video, they certainly were better than professional actors we all see on the big screen in a PG to X rated movie. Maybe this reinforces the idea there are several types of sexual desires among different people. Twenty five years ago I would have guessed no women really enjoyed being tied up like Ironmaster describes, but he is getting into it and it sounds like his female partners enjoys the activity.
Too bad I am discovering all of this 25 years too late in life. Maybe if I had known back then, what I know now, maybe mt M and sex life would have been much better.
Back to the stud video, wow, some women seem to be 10 times more sexual than most men I know, especially my way too reserves self. "If I only knew."
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spencer
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Post by spencer on Jun 22, 2019 19:57:29 GMT -5
isthisit Distracted by a hobby - from sex?! See for me that just doesn't compute. I have far too many hobbies and interests, I'm always doing something. However everything gives way to any opportunity for sex. I'm curious what possibly this could have been now!
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