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Post by baza on May 20, 2019 2:00:03 GMT -5
To get into ILIASM, there are 3 routes.
#1 - is where the choices someone else made have resulted in you being collateral damage. Say in a situation where you got "bait and switched" as an obvious example.
#2 - is where the choices you made have resulted in a sub-optimal outcome. An example might be where you were aware of the red flags, but went ahead anyway hoping it would all work out.
#3 - is where the cosmos dropped a big shit sandwich on you for no apparent reason. For example your spouse developed a physical or mental problem that precluded them from full participation in the union.
Anyway, the route in to ILIASM might be because of someone else's choice, or your own choice, or by a random cosmic event.
But once you're here, we all start equal again.
It may not have been entirely your "fault" that you ended up in an ILIASM deal (see #1 and #3 above) but that does not alter the fact that you are in your ILIASM deal. And are, maybe, looking for a resolution to the situation.
The resolution of the situation is highly unlikely to come from - (a) - the person who's choice put you into the situation reversing their choice. (b) - the cosmos reversing the random shit sandwich that has been bestowed upon you.
Rather, the resolution is going to come from you.
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Post by bballgirl on May 20, 2019 20:03:18 GMT -5
Amen to that! The problem will not solve itself and the refuser is content so why would they want anything to change. It’s up to us to make the change for ourselves. Good advice baza
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Post by flashjohn on May 21, 2019 16:08:39 GMT -5
Excellent observation. I finally had to realize that waiting for divine intervention was not going to work, so I took action myself.
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Post by iceman on May 22, 2019 9:33:36 GMT -5
Completely agree. It’s on each of us to take action and not expect our refuser to change or for an intervening cosmic event. I went for years waiting for my wife to have an epiphany and see the errors of her ways and beating myself up when that wasn’t happening. One day I had the epiphany that was she not going to change and I either accept that and trundle on with my unhappy existence or start actively dealing with the situation to improve my existence.
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Post by cassiopeia92 on May 22, 2019 13:56:35 GMT -5
I am in the mumber 2 category. I made those choices, the reasons why are too long winded to relate and I am not sure I even understand why the hell I did what I did.
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firefollower
Full Member
Only you can prevent forest fires
Posts: 154
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by firefollower on May 22, 2019 14:57:21 GMT -5
I am mostly in number 1 but a little in number 2 if I am honest with myself.
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Post by baza on May 22, 2019 20:45:49 GMT -5
I am mostly in number 1 but a little in number 2 if I am honest with myself. The wider point here Brother firefollower , is that it doesn't particularly matter "how" you got into your ILIASM situation - fact is that you are in an ILIASM situation, and it is on you as to what, if anything, you are now going to choose to do.
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firefollower
Full Member
Only you can prevent forest fires
Posts: 154
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by firefollower on May 22, 2019 21:28:10 GMT -5
I am mostly in number 1 but a little in number 2 if I am honest with myself. The wider point here Brother firefollower , is that it doesn't particularly matter "how" you got into your ILIASM situation - fact is that you are in an ILIASM situation, and it is on you as to what, if anything, you are now going to choose to do. Thank you Baza...I mentioned in another thread that I have decided to stay for now..it is my decision and I am owning it. I have found some techniques useful in choosing to stay and have passed them on to others...they can say I am full of shit or try them and see if they help...I know they work for me. I have chosen to release the anger as much as I can because it was debilitating to me in every aspect of my life. You are right, it really doesn't matter how you get into an SM but what you plan do about it.
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Post by baza on May 22, 2019 21:47:36 GMT -5
Accepting the facts of your situation is one hell of a difficult thing to do. Then, taking ownership of your situation is an even harder thing to do. Then, choosing what you are then going to do is even harder still. But if you can accept the facts, own the situation, and make a fully informed choice as to what is in your best long term interests, then I reckon you are on a winner. "What" you choose (staying or leaving) is neither right nor wrong. They're both legitimate choices. Under your evaluation, "stay" is the choice. Someone else in the membership may be faced with the same set of circumstances, and under their evaluation the choice might be "leave". Personally, I think that as long as you have made a fully informed choice, you can't go too far wrong Brother firefollower
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