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Post by cassiopeia92 on May 19, 2019 15:04:05 GMT -5
Stunned. Because I got one. I dont get them. I washed and styled my hair this morning in a style I used to wear when I was a lot younger, before my H was even thought of. It always looked good on me.
I came downstairs getting ready to leave for dog training and he said, I like your hair like that.
Ok so I guess I should have said I dont care, I didnt do it for you. But what came out was, good, glad you do.
But hey, a compliment is a compliment. But what was important was that I like my hair like that.
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Post by Handy on May 19, 2019 16:25:02 GMT -5
cassiopeia92 But what was important was that I like my hair like that.
Good for you!
I know how it feels weird to receive a rare compliment. My W complains I am frequently fixing things. Last week I fixed my daughters clothes dryer and saved her over $100 to $200. My W often thinks I do too much for my daughter and grand kids but this time my W really complimented my ability to figure out what was wrong with the clothes dryer and fix it, using 10 cents with of supplies I had in my repair box of parts.
The truth about the repair is there were 10 Youtube videos showing the same problem and cure.
Back to compliments. They are so rare I almost automatically expect criticism and start off thinking "oh,no, is this going to be another put-down?
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Post by h on May 19, 2019 18:55:43 GMT -5
cassiopeia92 But what was important was that I like my hair like that.Good for you! I know how it feels weird to receive a rare compliment. My W complains I am frequently fixing things. Last week I fixed my daughters clothes dryer and saved her over $100 to $200. My W often thinks I do too much for my daughter and grand kids but this time my W really complimented my ability to figure out what was wrong with the clothes dryer and fix it, using 10 cents with of supplies I had in my repair box of parts. The truth about the repair is there were 10 Youtube videos showing the same problem and cure. Back to compliments. They are so rare I almost automatically expect criticism and start off thinking "oh,no, is this going to be another put-down? I know what you mean. I don't ever expect compliments. I always expect criticism. I feel like most days she can't open her mouth without finding something about me to complain about.
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2019 18:56:37 GMT -5
That is what's important. Lapping up the ultra-rare compliment is not a sign of a balanced relationship. I should know.
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Post by Handy on May 19, 2019 21:55:12 GMT -5
H, my W is often negative. If I come home from the grocery store, she will say, "I suppose you forgot xyz." She rarely asks if I got xyz.
Yesterday, she was telling me some branches, looking out the kitchen window, were dead. She saw another tree with supposed dead branches and wondered why I hadn't discovered the dead branches. OK, today I look and what I see are brown seed pods on the branches like it is supposed to have. No seed pods on some branches and way more seed pods on the upper branches than I thought was possible.
My W's general assumption of negativity is her first go-to response. I used to counter it to prove life was better than what she saw but for a couple of years now I do not come up with details to show her things are better than she commonly observes.
Twenty years ago if we disagreed on something her often used line was "so, do you want a divorce?" I used to jump in with a positive opinion indicating divorce should even be a topic because things were only slightly off from being very good. I tough my W that if sh came up with a worst case situation, I could come up with good reasons the issues were minor. I gradually got tired of saying she was wrong, so now I rarely explain how things are much better than sh might think.
If I am late coming home (her opinion) I just tell her "things take what ever time is required to do them well." I quit explaining what I did and hope she sees the reason for me being later than she expected. Life is not a 1 hour TV show where a problem develops and persists for 30 minuets and in the last 10 minuets of the program, a solution is found that saves the day. No 10 minuets for commercials either.
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Post by northstarmom on May 19, 2019 22:05:53 GMT -5
casseopeia: "Ok so I guess I should have said I dont care, I didnt do it for you. But what came out was, good, glad you do. "
No, there is no "should have." You could have said thank-you or have ignored it. What would have been helpful to you is not basing your decisions or self esteem on his words.
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Post by baza on May 19, 2019 22:15:07 GMT -5
Brother HandyThere are two things in play in this "putting a positive spin on the negative remarks your spouse makes". You may think that you are providing an alternative view to a particular remark they make (and usually this is exactly what you are trying to do) The complaining spouse however, can view this alternative view you put forward as trivialising or devaluing what they said. And they may up the ante to complain about even more things, to be heard. To which you respond by putting forward even more counter alternatives. And away it goes on the road to nowhere. I dunno what the answer is in these situations, but I am pretty sure that providing alternative viewpoints doesn't lead anywhere. You might try abandoning putting forward alternative viewpoints and see what happens. (I'd be betting "not much")
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Post by Handy on May 19, 2019 22:17:11 GMT -5
Casseopeoa92 "Ok so I guess I should have said I dont care, .......
I am glad you didn't say "I don't care." If you had it would just made the the hole you are in deeper.
One good piece of advice I got a long time ago was, "If you are in a hole (problems) the first thing you should do is quit making the hole deeper, so stop digging." Northstarmom's advice is 100% correct.
Someday when you are feeling more detached, your H's comments will have less of an impact on you, but that takes time and changing how you think about him. The word for today is "detach."
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Post by Handy on May 19, 2019 22:35:44 GMT -5
Baza You might try abandoning putting forward alternative viewpoints and see what happens. (I'd be betting "not much")
Baza, the long time ago "do you want a divorce' horse shit stuff, I quit responding to it.
The recent tree thing, my W told me 3 times the branches were dead. This is my 3rd tree in this location. They lived about 15 years, some branches die and in a year or two the whole tree is dead. I think my W was thinking, "here we go again, another dead tree" so I took a look and explained what I saw.
The going to the store and her saying "I suppose you forgot xyz" I mostly don't buy her shit testing. It took a while not to play into her bait. Sometimes I ask her to look into the grocery bag and see if the item is in the bag. That has been slowing her down a little from jumping to negative conclusions.
Some of her negativity is related to her anxiety disorder. She has 2 medications she takes for anxiety. One is a daily medication and the other is as needed. The as needed medication can send her in "who cares/worries, not her" mode, then I am the nicest person she knows, if she takes the maximum dose or doesn't wait the full time between doses.
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Post by cassiopeia92 on May 20, 2019 0:18:47 GMT -5
casseopeia: "Ok so I guess I should have said I dont care, I didnt do it for you. But what came out was, good, glad you do. " No, there is no "should have." You could have said thank-you or have ignored it. What would have been helpful to you is not basing your decisions or self esteem on his words. You are absolutely right that I should have ignored it or said thsnk you. It caught mr off guard and I blurted that out. However, my self esteem or decisions are no longer based on his words.
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Post by cassiopeia92 on May 20, 2019 0:25:43 GMT -5
Casseopeoa92 "Ok so I guess I should have said I dont care, .......I am glad you didn't say "I don't care." If you had it would just made the the hole you are in deeper. One good piece of advice I got a long time ago was, "If you are in a hole (problems) the first thing you should do is quit making the hole deeper, so stop digging." Northstarmom's advice is 100% correct. Someday when you are feeling more detached, your H's comments will have less of an impact on you, but that takes time and changing how you think about him. The word for today is "detach." You are right on the former. I posted about it because I cant remember the last time he gave me a compliment. As most know here we get nothing. It was, as rare as rocking horse shit. Before I would have responded to that like a dog being told good boy. Now I am detached enough it surprised me but did not have the same effect.
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Post by Handy on May 20, 2019 1:08:59 GMT -5
cassiopeia92, I totally understand you wanting to tell your H that you didn't care any longer. BTDT or more truthful I felt the same way not too long ago. What I realized with the help of forum friends on another forum, had I said what I felt, I would most likely digging a deeper hole that would take more work from which to to extricate myself.
I notice two types of comments from neglected spouses. One is where the neglected spouse has anger and resentment issues towards the neglecting spouse. Those anger and resentment issues mean there is still a strong but resentful connection towards the neglecting spouse.
The other is sort of self preservation mode which indicates detachment from the neglecting spouse. Anger or resentment towards the neglecting spouse is normal, but it only hurts us, not the neglecting spouse. To avoid hurting our-self, one way is to ignore as much as possible anything our individual neglecting spouse says or does, which isn't easy.
One thing that makes this more difficult is we all have to live with our individual neglecting spouse and put up with some of this crap more than we want to. This makes detaching a more difficult job.
The people that divorce (not a suggestion) all say the less contact they have with their X, the happier they are. They often say the less space they give mentally to their X in their head, the happier they are.
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Post by sadkat on May 20, 2019 9:31:06 GMT -5
Brother HandyThere are two things in play in this "putting a positive spin on the negative remarks your spouse makes". You may think that you are providing an alternative view to a particular remark they make (and usually this is exactly what you are trying to do) The complaining spouse however, can view this alternative view you put forward as trivialising or devaluing what they said. And they may up the ante to complain about even more things, to be heard. To which you respond by putting forward even more counter alternatives. And away it goes on the road to nowhere. I dunno what the answer is in these situations, but I am pretty sure that providing alternative viewpoints doesn't lead anywhere. You might try abandoning putting forward alternative viewpoints and see what happens. (I'd be betting "not much") You are absolutely right @ Baza- my h is a complainer and has more negative things to say than positive. I used to try to put a positive spin on things he said. Invariably, it would lead to an argument and/or being told that I didn’t know what I was talking about. Now that I am past the point of caring what he says (for the most part), I stay silent when he starts spouting off about things. I don’t say one word- I think he’s slowly starting to get the message!
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Post by flashjohn on May 21, 2019 16:21:43 GMT -5
Stunned. Because I got one. I dont get them. I washed and styled my hair this morning in a style I used to wear when I was a lot younger, before my H was even thought of. It always looked good on me. I came downstairs getting ready to leave for dog training and he said, I like your hair like that. Ok so I guess I should have said I dont care, I didnt do it for you. But what came out was, good, glad you do. But hey, a compliment is a compliment. But what was important was that I like my hair like that. Hey, whatever you said is what you said. There is no right or wrong. It is nice for anyone to compliment you.
Towards the end of my joke of a marriage, if my ExRefuser said anything nice, it meant nothing to me. After years of refusal and abuse, I really had nothing to say to her.
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