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Post by obobfla on Oct 23, 2019 22:02:52 GMT -5
As baza mentioned, I already went through what you are going through. I was in a sexless marriage but stayed in it for a number of reasons. The biggest reason fo staying was my wife was mentally ill to the point she was disabled. Had we divorced, one of us would have been destitute. I outsourced every now and then. Eventually, my wife’s physical health deteriorated as well - first breast cancer, then heart problems, and finally sepsis. After nine months of visiting her in hospitals and riding the roller coaster of “will she make or not?” my wife succumbed and died. Í’ve been widowed for almost two years. Yes, I have more sex now than when I was married. But I would give anything to have her alive and be divorced. She was the mother of my son. I miss her friendship. I miss having that parenting partner. I’m a single parent now, so all the responsibility is on me. I’ve gone through an emotional blender. Even now, I deal with the empty space that she left behind. It’s not easy. I imagine that the divorce ship has sailed without you by now, RealMustangGuy. I would imagine that she will need your health insurance. But you will need to take care of you. Every touch, hug, and kiss will be like that first sip of water after a walk in the desert. I not only recommend outsourcing, I would gladly introduce you to prospective partners if I knew of any. Be discreet, but try not to worry about what other people think. If you experience half of what I experienced, your already stressful life is going to get even more stressful. Getting laid is wonderful medicine. A lady I recently met who was also widowed like me said she was into polyamory. One of her lovers is a man whose wife is seriously ill. I told her that having sex with that man qualified her for sainthood. Hopefully, you will find such a saint.
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Post by obobfla on Oct 22, 2019 18:23:09 GMT -5
rhapsodee I told her it was amazing. Better than ever. Yea, someone needs to say sex is great past 55 years old. Well we know Northstarmom tells it is great so maybe the word will get out, but I doubt the old sour-pusses will change their minds. Sex after 55 is more than amazing. It reminds me I’m fucking alive!
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Post by obobfla on Oct 21, 2019 21:56:22 GMT -5
sadkat , this will be my second divorce. My first was traumatic. I was running away from domestic violence. I remember the confusion and pain and the fear. I was young though. I had my entire life ahead of me. Now I’m approaching 60. The future looks dismal. Do I really want to spend my remaining days with a control freak? I don’t know what the future holds for me. Will it be love or loneliness? Will I regret this decision? Only time will tell. Ím happy for you and a little envious. You know who you’re leaving, and you know the man you are marrying. Being almost the same age as you and having gone through the death of a spouse, marriage is not necessarily a bad idea. Hope it all works. My only advice? If you get that job at Costco, get comfortable shoes.
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Post by obobfla on Oct 14, 2019 20:28:40 GMT -5
Normally, I would frown upon what you did. My parents always impressed me with how they put up a united front against us kids. They never disagreed in front of us. If they had a difference of opinion about children’s matters, they resolved it in a private conversation. They raised eight children in their 58 years of marriage, eventually passing away three months apart.
I tried to follow their example. But one time, my wife was being unreasonable with my son, and I had to take his side. Throw in the fact that my son is autistic and my wife was mentally ill, and I had to do some major diplomacy. I backed up my son, but I did it in front of my wife. My son had to know I had his back.
I will say this - I have come to admire divorced parents who work together for the sake of their children. My son’s best friend has divorced parents, and they normally sit together to watch their son play basketball. When he took a girl to the homecoming dance, his date’s divorced parents were there to take pictures of their little girl going to her first big dance. Her mom and dad posed together while her stepmother took pictures of the three of them. Considering I am widowed and my son’s mother wasn’t there, those examples mean a lot to my son and me.
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Post by obobfla on Oct 14, 2019 15:15:48 GMT -5
Hi ScottDinTN, My wife had psychological problems as well, although they didn’t necessarily relate to sexual trauma. Her problem was schizo-affective disorder, which in layman’s terms is a cross between schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. When she was under severe stress, such as PMS, she would hear voices. These were angry voices that told her how worthless she was, and she would yell back at them. Other times, she would have mood swings. When she was up, she was incredibly funny and sexy. But most of the time, she was timid. Other times, she was paranoid. Those were what psychologists call “positive” symptoms - not in good positive, but those were thoughts and feelings that healthy people don’t normally have. What was worse was her “negative” symptoms - things healthy people do that she could not. While my wife was a caring person, she was oblivious to the feelings of others around her. She didn’t notice when either my son or I were happy, sad, or otherwise occupied with another thought. It was like having a grown-up toddler who needs something now and doesn’t notice that mommy and daddy are busy. I got her to a psychiatrist, who got her on a good cocktail of meds. This helped with the positive symptoms. The voices disappeared. Moods stabilized. But the negative symptoms persisted. After our son was born, she became paranoid about getting pregnant again. Since she couldn’t do the pill, we used condoms. She feared they would break. Eventually, I got a vasectomy. But even with reassurances that I could not get her pregnant, she still panicked when her period was late. Our sex life stopped. No therapy or drug changes could help. I stayed with her, as divorce would have been prohibitively expensive or involved abandoning her. But I outsourced to keep my own sanity. Eventually, my wife developed physical illnesses with her mental ones. She died from breast cancer and a weak heart almost two years ago. I’m sorry for the long story, but I had to explain how my wife’s situation was similar to yours yet not the same. The environment vs. genetics debate goes on in mental health as does the drugs vs. therapy. In both debates, the answer lies somewhere in the middle. Your wife needs therapy. She might benefit from drugs. A good start is to get her to a therapist familiar with sexual trauma who is open to working with a psychiatrist for medications if necessary. But I strongly believe that the most important ingredient to wellness is a patient who acknowledges his or her illness and wants to get better. This is true for any physical, mental, or addictive illness. No doctor, therapist, or drug can work unless the patient accepts that he or she has an illness and believes that there is a way to get better. My wife knew in her head that she was sick, but I now doubt she totally accepted it. She took her drugs and saw her therapists, but I don’t think she listened to them. In hindsight, I believe she was incapable of of listening to them. I feel for your wife, but I also feel for you. Not sure by your description if your wife’s trauma is actually real, but it is very real to her. Trust me, that is a very important distinction. She needs help, but more importantly she must want help and believe that she can get better. If she does not, then you are in the dilemna I was once in. I would give anything to have my wife alive but divorced from her so I could pursue my own happiness. I would still be in her life, checking to see that she is getting the help she needs. But I only have so much influence on her happiness and her health. I could not stop either of her illnesses. Sadly, she couldn’t either.
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Post by obobfla on Sept 22, 2019 21:35:19 GMT -5
Years ago, I had surgery for prostate cancer that eliminated my ability to have erections. Before that, my wife and I had intercourse two or three times a month. Now I have little to no chance of having orgasms. I do get some sexual satisfaction by masturbating my wife once in a while. Lately though, I find myself really having a desire to eat her. I always loved doing oral. My wife has always felt this was somehow dirty or wrong. Knowing how she feels about this, I don't know how to approach her about it. Wondering how she would feel about a vibrator. As to your issue, I would think your urologist would have some answers.
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Post by obobfla on Sept 20, 2019 21:56:01 GMT -5
Thanks for sharing @choosinghappy. I need to buy myself a kayak myself. Fortunately, I live near a river where there are three kayak/canoe rental places nearby. Haven’t heard any banjos playing, but I did see someone who looked a lot like this guy:
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Post by obobfla on Sept 18, 2019 18:13:48 GMT -5
sunnysean, you might take your wife at her word. There are legitimate massage therapists who do excellent muscle work, but they don’t give any extras. It could lead to losing their license or even getting arrested. My regular massage therapist would not, and I would never ask her. But she has great healing hands, so it’s worth seeing her. However, massage therapists are used to their clients getting aroused. When it happens, some offer to fix the problem. Those that offer are usually the ones who stay open later, include attractive pictures in their ad, and offer “oriental” or “sensual” massages. They’re easy to spot. But be careful. You are skirting the law. If you ask, you could get yourself in trouble.
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Post by obobfla on Sept 18, 2019 17:51:00 GMT -5
linkhttps://www.popsugar.com/love/photo-gallery/38748574/image/38749893/Hot-Canadian-MenThanks for the replies ladies. He did initiate last night, which was nice, but I also realize it's part of a larger pattern/cycle. Dry spell -> venting -> sex -> dry spell. On and on. I told him I didn't want it if he was just initiating because I was mad, and he denied that, but I know it's not just a coincidence. While lack of attraction certainly could be the issue, I'm not convinced it's the problem in most cases that involve porn. Men fall into porn use not because they are not attracted to their wives, but because it offers something nobody can compete with -- namely, unrealistic bodies and effortless gratification. It's easier, and involves no work. In some individuals' minds, looking at images is akin to the real thing -- while for others it can never replace a real body. It's a certain type of individual, I think. Again though I don't know if that's what my husband is doing. It could be an attraction issue, and if that is the case, he's done us all a great disservice by marrying someone he's not attracted to. I left my family, country and job for this... At any rate, I'm still working on exit plans should they need to be executed. When I reach the point that I just want to go - NOW - I want to be able to go without the worry that I can't live independently here. I don't feel as worried now, nor as powerless. Despite these unusual obstacles, I think I will be able to get out when/if it becomes apparent there is no solution. Yes, men who watch porn are lazy. It requires a lot less effort than a real relationship. But I see a lot of resentment and self doubt coming from you. And I don’t blame you - I went through that. So have the vast majority of the people on this forum. There is a cure. While having an affair is problematic, you at least need a man to acknowledge that you are a sexy woman. You’re also homesick. To help you feel better, I am including this link. Remember, all the men pictured think you are hot and want you to come back across the border.
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Post by obobfla on Sept 8, 2019 21:59:55 GMT -5
Yes, I’m still standing, like Sir Elton says. I’m going to add another song that helped me to keep standing.
If I ever get the chance to meet Don Henley, I will personally thank him for writing this song. When it first came out during the Eagles’ hiatus, I just gotten out of an intense relationship, and my heart was broken. It was my first really serious relationship. What made it worse was my ex gf was a good friend before we dated. And no, sex was not a problem in this relationship. I heard this song, and it helped put the relationship into perspective. I called her, and we talked. We agreed to be friends again. When we talked about the boyfriend-girlfriend part, both of us had the same phrase - “Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.”
It was in the past, where it belonged. I even set her up with one of my friends. When my wife needed a medieval dress for a concert, I knew my ex gf made medieval outfits. She had a dress for my wife and even altered it for her. We’re not close anymore, but we do exchange messages on social media. I did talk to my wife about the ex gf. I told her that if you appreciate me as a husband, you owe that woman some thanks.
I listen to this song now, and think of my late wife. She was a parasite to me before she died. After her death, she became a saint. Now I can look back on our time together more realistically. She was somewhere in between. It was a little more than “been there, done that, got the T-shirt” with my wife. But listening to to this song helps. Lose the resentment. Forgive. And take whatever good that was there and the lessons learned to your next relationship.
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Post by obobfla on Aug 7, 2019 21:54:29 GMT -5
nyartgal, I’m doing ok. Widowhood is becoming like a scar. It rarely hurts, but it’s always there.
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Post by obobfla on Aug 7, 2019 21:49:16 GMT -5
Although I can’t recall every sex partner I’ve had, I remember all my dating girlfriends and close friends. My problem is that I ghost a lot of people. Staying in touch takes up too much energy. I did reach out to an old flame awhile back, as she dated a close friend of mine after she dated me. That close friend recently died, so I told her the news and gave her info about the funeral. Unfortunately, she couldn’t make it.
I wish I could maintain the friendships I’ve had. Facebook helps, but I haven’t been able to connect in real life again due to space and time issues. I’ve changed. Don’t drink anymore. Don’t go to church. Both parenthood and widowhood have transformed me. But I don’t forget the close friends I’ve had. I just can’t find the time and energy to connect with them.
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Post by obobfla on Jul 25, 2019 16:56:34 GMT -5
I have been meaning to post this for awhile. Started a few times and hinted about it in other posts. But then I thought it didn’t fit this forum. After all, I am no longer married and no longer sexless. I’ve been in a steady relationship for awhile, although lately it hasn’t been as steady as I’d like. I might put myself back on the market.
For those who don’t know, I was married to a mentally ill woman, whose paranoia rendered our marriage sexless for its last five years. I stayed married to her, as divorce would be too expensive. I doubted she could live on her own. A few affairs kept me sane, but they didn’t last. I wanted out, but I couldn’t find a way out.
Then about three years ago, my wife’s thyroid started acting up. Her heart got weaker. Then doctors noticed a lump on her breast. She had cancer. The oncologist recommended chemo, but one treatment put her in the hospital. She needed heart surgery. After the heart surgery came the mastectomy. She spent six months trying to recover but got sepsis. She died a year ago last December, right before Christmas.
When my wife was alive, I felt that I had wrapped myself in a full-body bandage. When she died, the bandages were figuratively ripped off all at once. The air hit my exposed wounds, stinging me all over.
Widowhood sucks. Yes, so does divorce, but I would give anything to be divorced from my wife and have her alive. We could talk about how our son is doing and catch up on each other’s families. We could remember what good times we had together.
i am ok now, and so is my son. We have found plenty of support, although it’s been tough in a number of ways. My wife didn’t have life insurance, so we have been struggling financially. I’m finally getting my finances together. Then there is the blender of emotions I’ve been through - sadness, relief, guilt from feeling relieved, anger at the world in general, fear because I was alone, and more emptiness.
I became a single parent, with no co-parent or every other weekend free like divorced parents have. And there was no one else to blame if anything went wrong. It is all on me. The parents of my son’s best friend are separated, but they still both come to watch their son play basketball, even sitting together. I envy them.
So, what does this have to do with a sexless marriage? I didn’t think it did, but then a friend of mine died. His wife had left him, mainly because he would not have sex with her. But they never officially got divorced, so she was his widow. After he died, she did a postmortem on the marriage. Where did she go wrong? Why didn’t she see the signs? Should she have married him in the first place?
As much as we want to believe in eternal love and soulmates, all marriages end. Whether it’s divorce or death, we leave our spouses. Those of us on this forum either have sick marriages or had a marriage die. While we may feel relief when we leave, we eventually grieve the loss of our marriage. Like my friend’s wife, we wonder what went wrong.
I’ve rambled, but there is one video I found that helped me through the grieving process. The speaker talks about the pitfalls of “moving on. Instead, she says we should “move forward.” I think her talk applies to anyone who has lost a spouse, whether by death or divorce.
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Post by obobfla on Jul 24, 2019 21:01:05 GMT -5
JMX, I’m so sorry it has come to this. What really sucks is that he destroyed the marriage in such a passive-aggressive manner. He just didn’t care and didn’t have the balls to tell you. He couldn’t even tell himself. Sad. Financial stability might have the only thing keeping you together, and he took that away. You are left with almost no choice but to divorce him. The good news is that you know you can now find another man who actually appreciates you and pursue him without guilt. Things will get better. Not sure how you want to approach the relationship with STBX. He doesn’t sound too mentally healthy right now. It’s time to go.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 29, 2019 17:31:11 GMT -5
mescaline , I went through something similar. After years of being in a sexless marriage, my wife got breast cancer. She also had a weak heart. After nine months of surgeries and treatment, she died a year and a half ago. I’ve debated posting about what I’ve been going through. Sometimes I should to encourage other members to rethink staying. I would give anything if my wife and I were divorced, and she were still alive. My son doesn’t have his mom around anymore, and I miss my co-parent. In spite of all we went through, I miss her terribly. Widowhood is not anything you can prepare for. I can only tell you my experiences and feelings. The best description I can give is that by going through her physical and mental illnesses, I felt encased in a full body bandage. When she died, it was as if all the bandages were ripped off me, and cool air stung my exposed wounds. I remember going to an AA meeting afterwards. I said “I feel..” and couldn’t think of the next word. A widow said “Raw.” That was it! I felt raw. The first few months, my emotions went through a blender. I felt empty, then angry. Then guilty for being angry. Then relieved that I was out of my marriage. Then guilty for feeling relieved. And all the time, I was lost wondering what do with the empty space in my life that my wife occupied. While I am moving on, I’m still a bit lost. How do I function as both a father and mother to my son? I started dating shortly after my wife died. After nine months of being a caregiver, I felt I needed some care of my own. But the women I dated did not appreciate me breaking into tears when I described my life. I found one who didn’t mind me crying. I am still seeing her and having sex a lot more often than I did when I was married. But we are not looking to get married or even live together anytime soon. It’s a day-by-day thing for us. Grief support groups helped my son and me. However, I did have an issue with one counselor who did not appreciate my bringing up my (lack of) sex life in a group. She said I wasn’t ready for group therapy and offered to see me individually. I politely told her she was not the counselor for me. I bring this up, because I needed to talk about the resentment I felt towards my wife. Other groups let me speak about it, and I found others in similar situations. Sorry if I rambled, but mescaline , you have my sympathies. Best I can suggest is to take care of yourself. Remember the speech flight attendants give about giving yourself oxygen first before putting a mask on someone else. If your wife’s illness gets worse and she is terminal, call a hospice. If you haven’t made funeral plans yet, start having that conversation now. Hopefully, she has life insurance. Death is not cheaper than divorce. My bank accounts are still recovering. Bottom line, I am not the same person I was before my wife got sick. You will probably change too. Take care.
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