So we’re down here in the happiest place on earth (That’s what SHE said): Walt Disney World. W has been railing on my daughter all day, basically for being loud, rambunctious and too excited. At times, W’s remarks seemed almost neo-presidential. I did defend my daughter a little bit, but not as much as much as I should.
As we were walking back to the hotel, I pulled my daughter aside. I asked “Were you having a good time before Mom started griping, baby girl?”
“Let me tell you something. Mom wants you to sacrifice your happiness to make her happy sometimes. Well I’ve been making sacrifices to make Mom happy since before you were born. And what I’ve learned is if you sacrifice everything, then there’s nothing left to make YOU happy. So it’s OK if you fight back — probably better that way, sometimes.”
It’s a balance. I think it’s healthy to encourage your daughter to recognize and defend limits - to know when to speak up for herself if she’s of an appropriate age to judge it. Too far would be if you used the opportunity to make her mother look bad and create division.
It sounds like you tried to temper your bias and you took the opportunity for a first-hand life lesson, which are always the most potent.
Post by ScottDinTN on Oct 10, 2019 18:28:06 GMT -5
I don't really see that as passive/agressive parenting. You are clearly telling her to fight back which is very direct and not passive. The word fight did kind of jump out at me as being pretty strong. Now, if your daughter is very meek, maybe she needed that kind of encouragement to stand up for herself. I don't know the situation. I'm sure you're wife wouldn't have liked it if she heard you say that. Doesn't mean it didn't need to be said.
I see passive/agressive like: "The grass sure is getting tall. I wish we had someone to mow it." Not being said directly to you but obviously meant for you. Or, "I seem like I'm the only one that ever cooks around here"; said while you were within ear shot. That kinda thing.
Post by workingonit on Oct 13, 2019 15:31:01 GMT -5
How old is your daughter? Kids are not immune to tension between parents but you want to be careful being the "good guy" to your wife being mean. It cements the divide in your daughter's mind.
That said, I have often done similar things. My h really does not "see" my son and when he is dismissing him or acting scared of my son (which is a BIG trigger for my son) I will pull my son aside and take the opportunity to connect, even if that means saying things like "I know how hard it is when your father acts like that." I get stuck trying to explain each of them to each other, which just means that their only relationship is through me translating.
My h has accused my son of "triangulating" us and me of choosing my son over him. This is a big gaslighting trope of his. It is really difficult to deal with.
Normally, I would frown upon what you did. My parents always impressed me with how they put up a united front against us kids. They never disagreed in front of us. If they had a difference of opinion about children’s matters, they resolved it in a private conversation. They raised eight children in their 58 years of marriage, eventually passing away three months apart.
I tried to follow their example. But one time, my wife was being unreasonable with my son, and I had to take his side. Throw in the fact that my son is autistic and my wife was mentally ill, and I had to do some major diplomacy. I backed up my son, but I did it in front of my wife. My son had to know I had his back.
I will say this - I have come to admire divorced parents who work together for the sake of their children. My son’s best friend has divorced parents, and they normally sit together to watch their son play basketball. When he took a girl to the homecoming dance, his date’s divorced parents were there to take pictures of their little girl going to her first big dance. Her mom and dad posed together while her stepmother took pictures of the three of them. Considering I am widowed and my son’s mother wasn’t there, those examples mean a lot to my son and me.
I will pull my son aside and take the opportunity to connect, even if that means saying things like "I know how hard it is when your father acts like that." I get stuck trying to explain each of them to each other, which just means that their only relationship is through me translating.
I think you are doing the correct thing.
To this very day, I remember the times in my youth (ages 12-18) when my mother was going through her bi-polar/manic episodes, and my father would have "talks" with me out in the garage.
He would say, "son, you are not to blame, I understand your confusion. Your mother should not have acted like that. I can't explain it. We are just going to have to deal with it".
Well, it DID teach me to be somewhat passive and codependent. Almost TOO forgiving. Then again, to this very day, I RESPECT the way my dad did a good job in handling such tough situations.
Give yourself a 'pat on the back' for taking action and not putting your head in the sand.
I think it's a tough call. I think it's important that kids feel validated even if it means counteracting the other parent.
My partner is not an angry guy but one time he absolutely flipped over a restaurant order that was wrong and sent back, still wrong and sent back and then still wrong. He's a fussy eater, so he's always super clear about these things - there are a few things he cannot eat. And not one of us can eat mayo at all and this was a mayo related incident. He was so angry he had to walk outside to calm down.
My stepkids were like - ok, parents flip. Dad doesn't flip, but they're used to mom flipping all the time. She has rage issues. She's BPD. But they were a little surprised. My son was SHOCKED. He's never seen my partner act like that. I basically didn't excuse, I stayed calm and said "Ok he's had a flip out, but he'll be back soon and it will be ok. Obviously it's not cool to act like this. But he knows that." He came back a few minutes later and apologised.
It's harder as a SM when I hear things about their mom that are far worse than what my partner did. I say nothing. But I feel really complicit in her abuse. I want to say "Y'all know that's not ok." I mean I seemingly tolerate behaviour from her that I wouldn't be ok with in my ex or current partner. I mean, when my ex was being rude to (mainly ignoring) my stepson who'd greeted him very politely I did say something to them about how it's definitely not about them or even the situation and it's also not ok. He's just a rude bugger - he treats a lot of people the same way (I think he's on the autism spectrum and is gruff in social interactions). Since my stepson has become interested in my partner's special interest, my ex has been quite generous to my ss. But he's really only able to relate to people well through his special interests.
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
petrushka: In my world view, you are buying into some really shitty memes there.
Nov 5, 2019 17:25:20 GMT -5
apocrypha: The "feminist agenda" has changed across the past 60 years. Some feminists of the 60's call the current iteration "fainting couch feminism", thinking it a subversion and betrayal of women's lib. Hard to get a bead on what folks think, using a broad label.
Nov 8, 2019 9:37:14 GMT -5
apocrypha: No aspect of that article (which I amount to a magazine offering bad diet advice) promotes rape, coercion (beyond seduction), sexual assault, and I don't understand your public performance suggesting that they would be and thus implicating bfar.
Nov 8, 2019 9:41:51 GMT -5
mirrororchid: pfar, being sensitive means understanding how others think and feel. It doesn't mean you are compelled to adopt their thoughts and feelings. This is a matter of understanding people including loved ones. If you aren't sensitive, you lack tools to
Nov 11, 2019 8:09:49 GMT -5
mirrororchid: live well. You need not soften, but you should be able to understand vulnerability. Recognizing others' distress provides me with cues when I need to use self-control or extend help. If you're strong, you should be helping others. Use what works.
Nov 11, 2019 8:14:06 GMT -5
worksforme2: You know who I miss ...I miss smartkat and andie..and snowman 12345
Nov 14, 2019 9:16:44 GMT -5