So we’re down here in the happiest place on earth (That’s what SHE said): Walt Disney World. W has been railing on my daughter all day, basically for being loud, rambunctious and too excited. At times, W’s remarks seemed almost neo-presidential. I did defend my daughter a little bit, but not as much as much as I should.
As we were walking back to the hotel, I pulled my daughter aside. I asked “Were you having a good time before Mom started griping, baby girl?”
“Let me tell you something. Mom wants you to sacrifice your happiness to make her happy sometimes. Well I’ve been making sacrifices to make Mom happy since before you were born. And what I’ve learned is if you sacrifice everything, then there’s nothing left to make YOU happy. So it’s OK if you fight back — probably better that way, sometimes.”
It’s a balance. I think it’s healthy to encourage your daughter to recognize and defend limits - to know when to speak up for herself if she’s of an appropriate age to judge it. Too far would be if you used the opportunity to make her mother look bad and create division.
It sounds like you tried to temper your bias and you took the opportunity for a first-hand life lesson, which are always the most potent.
Post by ScottDinTN on Oct 10, 2019 18:28:06 GMT -5
I don't really see that as passive/agressive parenting. You are clearly telling her to fight back which is very direct and not passive. The word fight did kind of jump out at me as being pretty strong. Now, if your daughter is very meek, maybe she needed that kind of encouragement to stand up for herself. I don't know the situation. I'm sure you're wife wouldn't have liked it if she heard you say that. Doesn't mean it didn't need to be said.
I see passive/agressive like: "The grass sure is getting tall. I wish we had someone to mow it." Not being said directly to you but obviously meant for you. Or, "I seem like I'm the only one that ever cooks around here"; said while you were within ear shot. That kinda thing.
Post by workingonit on Oct 13, 2019 15:31:01 GMT -5
How old is your daughter? Kids are not immune to tension between parents but you want to be careful being the "good guy" to your wife being mean. It cements the divide in your daughter's mind.
That said, I have often done similar things. My h really does not "see" my son and when he is dismissing him or acting scared of my son (which is a BIG trigger for my son) I will pull my son aside and take the opportunity to connect, even if that means saying things like "I know how hard it is when your father acts like that." I get stuck trying to explain each of them to each other, which just means that their only relationship is through me translating.
My h has accused my son of "triangulating" us and me of choosing my son over him. This is a big gaslighting trope of his. It is really difficult to deal with.
Normally, I would frown upon what you did. My parents always impressed me with how they put up a united front against us kids. They never disagreed in front of us. If they had a difference of opinion about children’s matters, they resolved it in a private conversation. They raised eight children in their 58 years of marriage, eventually passing away three months apart.
I tried to follow their example. But one time, my wife was being unreasonable with my son, and I had to take his side. Throw in the fact that my son is autistic and my wife was mentally ill, and I had to do some major diplomacy. I backed up my son, but I did it in front of my wife. My son had to know I had his back.
I will say this - I have come to admire divorced parents who work together for the sake of their children. My son’s best friend has divorced parents, and they normally sit together to watch their son play basketball. When he took a girl to the homecoming dance, his date’s divorced parents were there to take pictures of their little girl going to her first big dance. Her mom and dad posed together while her stepmother took pictures of the three of them. Considering I am widowed and my son’s mother wasn’t there, those examples mean a lot to my son and me.
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
misssunnybunny: Thanks for the update; just hope she is happy
Sept 17, 2019 19:49:55 GMT -5
workingonit: Elkclan2 my son's gerbil escaped at the same time as his pet snake. I did not think it was a coincidence!
Sept 17, 2019 20:40:26 GMT -5
hopingforachange: Wow, is been forever since I read the shoutbox.
Sept 17, 2019 21:33:01 GMT -5
hopingforachange: I need to set up another Skype session.
Sept 17, 2019 21:33:16 GMT -5
sme935: Not quite sure if anyone reads it but if there is a female in the Chicago area (40-60 years old) who is interested in chatting with me drop me a message or look at my profile for messenger screenname;
Sept 19, 2019 9:09:33 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: Another Skype session would be great!
Sept 21, 2019 10:51:02 GMT -5
elkclan2: Gerbil was recaptured unharmed. Turns out my cat is good at opening gerbil cages, but not good at catching gerbils.
Sept 27, 2019 8:10:33 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: Yay! Glad to hear the critter is okay.
Sept 28, 2019 20:44:20 GMT -5
worksforme2: elkclan2....don't feed cat for a couple days, cat will become very proficient at catching gerbil
Sept 29, 2019 14:15:01 GMT -5
javba: Hi folks been gone a minute [several minutes actually] What is the skype we're referencing?
Oct 1, 2019 8:55:44 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: javba, once in a while someone sets up a group Skype chat, so we can see each other and chat. I have a Skype account with my user name from here for them. One hasn't happened in a long time...
Oct 6, 2019 9:55:29 GMT -5
wewbwb: I'm pretty sure that it was seeing my ass.
Oct 6, 2019 15:21:29 GMT -5
petrushka: you breed donkeys?
Oct 10, 2019 6:05:03 GMT -5
worksforme2: Happy Birthday shamwow….
Oct 11, 2019 9:02:53 GMT -5
worksforme2: I knew it was going to happen..the seasons here have jumped from summer to almost winter..months of hot, dry days and nights then a week later it is rain and temps in the low 40's at night...there goes my regressing effort this year
Oct 17, 2019 7:24:46 GMT -5
worksforme2: whoops..I meant re-grassing...I don't need to do any regressing...
Oct 17, 2019 11:39:34 GMT -5
donp: Help, No sex for 1 year. I think I have lost my mind.
Oct 17, 2019 13:21:05 GMT -5
javba: Agree donp - why would you NOT lose your mind, Rub one out - it helps for about 12 hours :-)
Oct 17, 2019 14:06:18 GMT -5
worksforme2: donp,...you think you have lost your mind... so you aren't positive... think about it some more and then let us know what you decide...
Oct 17, 2019 14:22:10 GMT -5
RealMustangGuy: Hello all, just sending out a message to anyone that I used to be friends with back in the days of EP. I haven't been on here since 2016. Mostly because I seem to have great difficulty understanding how to work things on this site.
Oct 21, 2019 9:37:54 GMT -5