|
Post by mescaline on Jun 29, 2019 10:55:54 GMT -5
As the title says really, I follow and lurk on many threads and forums within ILIASM, but haven't haduch to input recently.
I'm still in my SM, the plan was to stick it out for a good 10more years so I could be a good parent, live with my kids and generally put everything into raising them as best I can.
The best laid plans and all that. My wife has been diagnosed with a lifelong autoimmune condition. So I'm staring down the barrel of being a long term carer, or potentially a single parent if the condition dictates that end.
Just thought I should let you all know the latest, and that I was still around. Keep. Up the good work everyone. Your support for the lurkers does not go unnoticed or unappreciated.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jun 29, 2019 11:07:24 GMT -5
Perhaps there is more hope for your future than you think. I have friends, for example, with lupus who have lived for decades with lupus and are single living active lives including working full time while in their late 50s or volunteering a lot while in their 80s.
|
|
|
Post by sadkat on Jun 29, 2019 12:04:41 GMT -5
mescaline- so sorry to hear about your wife’s diagnosis. It had to have been a shock. I hope you’ll be able to find peace in whatever decision you make. It’ll sure be an important one!
|
|
|
Post by obobfla on Jun 29, 2019 17:31:11 GMT -5
mescaline , I went through something similar. After years of being in a sexless marriage, my wife got breast cancer. She also had a weak heart. After nine months of surgeries and treatment, she died a year and a half ago. I’ve debated posting about what I’ve been going through. Sometimes I should to encourage other members to rethink staying. I would give anything if my wife and I were divorced, and she were still alive. My son doesn’t have his mom around anymore, and I miss my co-parent. In spite of all we went through, I miss her terribly. Widowhood is not anything you can prepare for. I can only tell you my experiences and feelings. The best description I can give is that by going through her physical and mental illnesses, I felt encased in a full body bandage. When she died, it was as if all the bandages were ripped off me, and cool air stung my exposed wounds. I remember going to an AA meeting afterwards. I said “I feel..” and couldn’t think of the next word. A widow said “Raw.” That was it! I felt raw. The first few months, my emotions went through a blender. I felt empty, then angry. Then guilty for being angry. Then relieved that I was out of my marriage. Then guilty for feeling relieved. And all the time, I was lost wondering what do with the empty space in my life that my wife occupied. While I am moving on, I’m still a bit lost. How do I function as both a father and mother to my son? I started dating shortly after my wife died. After nine months of being a caregiver, I felt I needed some care of my own. But the women I dated did not appreciate me breaking into tears when I described my life. I found one who didn’t mind me crying. I am still seeing her and having sex a lot more often than I did when I was married. But we are not looking to get married or even live together anytime soon. It’s a day-by-day thing for us. Grief support groups helped my son and me. However, I did have an issue with one counselor who did not appreciate my bringing up my (lack of) sex life in a group. She said I wasn’t ready for group therapy and offered to see me individually. I politely told her she was not the counselor for me. I bring this up, because I needed to talk about the resentment I felt towards my wife. Other groups let me speak about it, and I found others in similar situations. Sorry if I rambled, but mescaline , you have my sympathies. Best I can suggest is to take care of yourself. Remember the speech flight attendants give about giving yourself oxygen first before putting a mask on someone else. If your wife’s illness gets worse and she is terminal, call a hospice. If you haven’t made funeral plans yet, start having that conversation now. Hopefully, she has life insurance. Death is not cheaper than divorce. My bank accounts are still recovering. Bottom line, I am not the same person I was before my wife got sick. You will probably change too. Take care.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jun 29, 2019 19:10:01 GMT -5
It is an unfortunate fact that time is not your friend in an ILIASM deal. And as age unfolds, health events (yours or your spouses) can throw up additional roadblocks to you getting out of your ILIASM deal (if that was something you had under consideration). As many of you know, I've been out of my ILIASM deal since October 2009. Had I stayed in my ILIASM deal (and the rest of my life events unfolded as they did) I would have become a widower in 2015 on about 36 hours notice. As it turned out, the choices I had made in 2009 meant I'd been out of my ILIASM deal by about 6 years when my ex missus cashed in her chips. It was still a rather difficult time. Anyway, the broader point is, that in an ILIASM deal, the clock is running, and as it does, and as life unfolds, it is far more likely to throw further impediments to getting out (if that's what you are considering) than it is to throw up things favourable to you getting out. Time is not your friend in these circumstances. Sorry to see you in this position Brother mescaline .
|
|
|
Post by mescaline on Jul 1, 2019 0:20:24 GMT -5
Thanks for your words everyone.
My wifes condition is such that there doesn't seem to be much surety on which way things will go at present, she may make a good recovery and lead a normalish life, but with the "Sword of Damocles" hanging over her for the entirety of it. Or the condition may end up leaving her severely disabled, or not around at all. The prognosis at the moment is unclear.
Obobfla - Thank you so much for your words, death is the great leveller and staring at it, albeit through your spouse eyes, does put things into stark relief, both the good and the bad really. The good is that given my circumstances I now know I could potentially survive and raise my kids as a single parent, it also provides a reason for my SM (although I know this doesn't explain away the years prior to all this). The bad is that my resentment and hurt are still here and in moments of clarity rise to the fore. I need to let this go, and I will, but it will take work, I think recognising this is probably a good step. I'm sorry the counsellors caused you a bit of an issue, that's useful to know as I suspect I will explore this option again, for myself, in the future. My wife has previously refused counselling, so I know this will be a solitary activity in terms of my SM.
Baza - You're right, time is not my friend in this case, and yet it is with my kids, every hour I can spend with them is time I grow. If I can put up with the shit SM for my time with them then I will be content. If I can deal with the pain and trauma of my SM at the same time, great. If not well, there are other solutions that I can potentially explore as highlighted on many other posts within the ILIASM community! Coping mechanisms abound here, it is more a case of having the courage and honesty (with myself) to explore them if that is the route I take. At the moment, all bets are off.
|
|