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Post by baza on Sept 22, 2019 18:39:42 GMT -5
You'd figure that if penetrative sex was off the agenda then your missus would be well in favour of oral sex as an alternate. But here, your respective agendas are poles apart. You are in favour of it. Your missus considers it "dirty and wrong". Your view is correct. For you. Her view is correct. For her. I don't like your chances of persuading her to a "pro oral sex" viewpoint. I don't like her chances of persuading you to an "anti oral sex position". Is this clash of viewpoints a dealbreaker for you Brother kenhilliard ?
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 22, 2019 18:59:37 GMT -5
This is a somewhat unusual set of circumstances. It isn't the 1st time a woman has refused oral from her partner but that is usually as an over all refusal pattern. Can you tell us why she views this practice as "dirty and wrong"?
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Post by saarinista on Sept 22, 2019 21:25:52 GMT -5
I'm with worksforme2. I'd talk to her. Certainly different people enjoy or dislike different things, but given your medical issues I don't think it's inappropriate for you to request that she reconsider her viewpoint. I would just be straightforward and matter of fact. Find a time when she's in a good mood, recount your situation vis-a-vis your surgery and your desire for sexual connection, and see if you can gain some understanding about what makes her uncomfortable about oral sex. Perhaps if you talk about it, she'll get more comfortable? Especially under the circumstances, I think it's fair to ask her to push her boundaries a bit to trying something new.
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Post by obobfla on Sept 22, 2019 21:35:19 GMT -5
Years ago, I had surgery for prostate cancer that eliminated my ability to have erections. Before that, my wife and I had intercourse two or three times a month. Now I have little to no chance of having orgasms. I do get some sexual satisfaction by masturbating my wife once in a while. Lately though, I find myself really having a desire to eat her. I always loved doing oral. My wife has always felt this was somehow dirty or wrong. Knowing how she feels about this, I don't know how to approach her about it. Wondering how she would feel about a vibrator. As to your issue, I would think your urologist would have some answers.
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Post by elynne on Sept 23, 2019 2:00:51 GMT -5
Years ago, I had surgery for prostate cancer that eliminated my ability to have erections. Before that, my wife and I had intercourse two or three times a month. Now I have little to no chance of having orgasms. I do get some sexual satisfaction by masturbating my wife once in a while. Lately though, I find myself really having a desire to eat her. I always loved doing oral. My wife has always felt this was somehow dirty or wrong. Knowing how she feels about this, I don't know how to approach her about it. This is my personal perspective and it may have absolutely no bearing on your wife’s attitude towards oral sex. But here it is for what it’s worth. I’ve always found oral sex to feel good. Sometimes better than other times depending on the technique of my partner. But until very recently, even though I enjoyed it I was also quite nervous about whether I was clean enough or if I (sorry for the bluntness) tasted ok. I also worried about my partner. Was his neck bothering him, was his tongue getting tired, did he actually not have any interest in going down on me and was getting bored. Was I taking too long? Needless to say the ‘internal chatter’ curtailed my enjoyment and oral sex usually ended with me asking my partner to switch to penetrative sex so that I could ensure his enjoyment. With the ex-husband this might have been less than a handful of times and all in the early years. My current partner loves oral sex. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that he enjoys it. He loves the way I taste, loves touching me, licking me. Though it took me... 6 months or so to gradually make the transition from worrying to fully enjoying the experience. We talked openly about my worries. If I’m worried that I’m not very fresh - I will tell him that. I prefer oral sex after (much too much information here - but it makes a HUGE difference to how much I can relax and enjoy) ...but after using the bathroom and then a shower. The sex can be hours later, but if I’m not worried about being clean then I can more fully enjoy the experience. If your wife is worried about it being dirty - these things could make a difference. And take away the pressure for her to perform - let her know that this is something that you enjoy. Something you want to do for your own pleasure. If she’s worried about having to orgasm and how long it may take - that kills the enjoyment. But ask her for a specific amount. “I’d love to go down on you. It’s something I’ve been fantasizing about and it gets me so excited. Can you give me 10 minutes? I’ll stop after 10 minutes unless you ask me to continue.” Let her pick the time - so she can prepare. This advice assumes a willing partner who enjoys sex and just has a few hang ups about oral. It may not apply in your case. But a few mind-blowing orgasms certainly helps to tip the scales towards wanting more! 🤣
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 23, 2019 2:45:07 GMT -5
My ex had an aversion to oral sex.
The first step to finding a solution is to properly diagnose the problem. In the case of my ex, her explanation started as, "gross, I am not kissing you. You taste like me." Solution, no kissing afterward.
Well, I did say properly diagnosing. Eventually all that morphed into a ten year unilateral moratorium on any oral sex based on her explanation, "I don't like it." It stayed off limits until it became a deal breaker, then all of a sudden she was allowing it. She never liked it, though. My choice was to not do something I liked or pressure her to do something she didn't like. I found a third way, though. I found an extramarital partner that enjoyed what I had to offer.
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Post by elynne on Sept 23, 2019 13:44:20 GMT -5
Thanks for all the advice. You are right that nothing can be solved without communication. It is just so hard knowing how she feels. My wife's aversion stems from her mother telling her how wrong this was when she was just a teenager. She holds onto that as though it is gospel. The very few times we have done it, when we both were a bit tipsy, always resulted in orgasms. She even has multiple orgasms. When clear headed, she is repulsed. I will have to think about whether this is a deal breaker after we talk. elynne, I want to thank you for the very honest and open reply to my post. Your candor was very refreshing, especially about all the self talk we engage in wondering if we measure up to the task. Taste, smell, is it my fault if no orgasm is reached?, et al. I appreciate your advice. The subject is hard to raise with someone that I know is opposed to it. Since I do love doing it and since it is pretty much the only thing that can give me any pleasure anymore, I guess I have no choice but to broach the subject. Thanks, Ken I wish you the best of luck. Just an idea... can you think of another time her mother was without question, absolutely, unequivocally, grotesquely wrong? If so, you could draw parallels between her mother’s mistaken belief on one account with her opinions about oral sex?
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Post by baza on Sept 23, 2019 18:32:24 GMT -5
Like Sister elynne , I am curious about the "mother / daughter" set up here. Does your missus blindly follow EVERY suggestion her mother makes ? Or is it more like she only follows mothers suggestions in instances where it suits her ?
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Post by darktippedrose on Sept 23, 2019 21:11:27 GMT -5
I think your spouse might be like mine, and is just repulsed by oral, an aversion to it. My husband thought it was too degrading to him as a man. And it quickly escalated from there. Its incredibly difficult to "convert" a refuser.
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 23, 2019 22:29:51 GMT -5
Its incredibly difficult to "convert" a refuser. And equally difficult to deter a fan. Find the right match; they’re out there.
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Post by JMX on Sept 23, 2019 23:02:18 GMT -5
This is a somewhat unusual set of circumstances. It isn't the 1st time a woman has refused oral from her partner but that is usually as an over all refusal pattern. Can you tell us why she views this practice as "dirty and wrong"? Interestingly enough, as a 20-something, sexually free (20 years ago) woman, I only allowed oral in a space of love or a deeper connection. Fucking seems less personal. My ex was amazing at it - but we were together for 6 years. Any other time without him, I did not want it. Never made the connection until well into a sexless marriage.
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Post by saarinista on Sept 24, 2019 12:48:20 GMT -5
kenhilliard take elynne s great, detailed, specific advice. You must talk with your wife, period. It gets easier to talk about sex (in my experience) after the first conversation, which IS difficult for most people. That's why we're talking to strangers on iliasm, right? 🤔 Good luck!
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Post by elynne on Sept 25, 2019 3:10:10 GMT -5
Years ago, I had surgery for prostate cancer that eliminated my ability to have erections. Before that, my wife and I had intercourse two or three times a month. Now I have little to no chance of having orgasms. I do get some sexual satisfaction by masturbating my wife once in a while. Lately though, I find myself really having a desire to eat her. I always loved doing oral. My wife has always felt this was somehow dirty or wrong. Knowing how she feels about this, I don't know how to approach her about it. This is my personal perspective and it may have absolutely no bearing on your wife’s attitude towards oral sex. But here it is for what it’s worth. I’ve always found oral sex to feel good. Sometimes better than other times depending on the technique of my partner. But until very recently, even though I enjoyed it I was also quite nervous about whether I was clean enough or if I (sorry for the bluntness) tasted ok. I also worried about my partner. Was his neck bothering him, was his tongue getting tired, did he actually not have any interest in going down on me and was getting bored. Was I taking too long? Needless to say the ‘internal chatter’ curtailed my enjoyment and oral sex usually ended with me asking my partner to switch to penetrative sex so that I could ensure his enjoyment. With the ex-husband this might have been less than a handful of times and all in the early years. My current partner loves oral sex. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that he enjoys it. He loves the way I taste, loves touching me, licking me. Though it took me... 6 months or so to gradually make the transition from worrying to fully enjoying the experience. We talked openly about my worries. If I’m worried that I’m not very fresh - I will tell him that. I prefer oral sex after (much too much information here - but it makes a HUGE difference to how much I can relax and enjoy) ...but after using the bathroom and then a shower. The sex can be hours later, but if I’m not worried about being clean then I can more fully enjoy the experience. If your wife is worried about it being dirty - these things could make a difference. And take away the pressure for her to perform - let her know that this is something that you enjoy. Something you want to do for your own pleasure. If she’s worried about having to orgasm and how long it may take - that kills the enjoyment. But ask her for a specific amount. “I’d love to go down on you. It’s something I’ve been fantasizing about and it gets me so excited. Can you give me 10 minutes? I’ll stop after 10 minutes unless you ask me to continue.” Let her pick the time - so she can prepare. This advice assumes a willing partner who enjoys sex and just has a few hang ups about oral. It may not apply in your case. But a few mind-blowing orgasms certainly helps to tip the scales towards wanting more! 🤣 And just an aside: what’s wrong with dirty? Is it wrong to enjoy making a pie crust, scooping the mixed butter and flour into a ball, kneading it, the mixture oozing through your fingers until it forms a malleable dough? Isn’t there pleasure in wearing old clothes and rubber boots and going through the puddles instead of around them? I always felt a little put off when the ex immediately showered after the few times we had sex. It was as if he needed to wash me off of him. I’m a bit embarrassed to write this, but in my current relationship I’m allowed to enjoy all the scents, textures, tastes, all senses with my partner. I love the salty taste of a kiss at the tennis net when I hand him a ball in the midst of a hard fought match. I love the scent of him when he hugs me and I bury my face at the crook of his neck. I love the silky softness of his skin and the rough scratchy texture of his chest hair. The sound of his voice and the quaint hint of a Limburg accent with his soft g and lilting cadence. Oh, I digress. But dirty? What is dirty? Dirty is usually fun and enjoyable! There is always soap and water. We can always shower later. Although (my own personal quirk) I put it off as long as I can. 🤣 I like the scent of sex. Though for practical reasons I shower regularly. It’s not such a good idea for others to realize I smell like sex! 😅 Does your wife have other hang ups about things being dirty? Fastidious house cleaner? OCD tendencies? The other option (tongue in cheek) get her to drink more often! I also noticed a correlation between my ex’s drinking and willingness to have sex. I’m ashamed to admit that there was a period when I would encourage him to drink, hoping I might get lucky.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 25, 2019 3:30:20 GMT -5
I would be surprised if there was not a correlation. I noticed that my ex would get drunk on nights she finally agreed to have sex. It made me feel pretty unloved, that she would need to get drunk in order to be intimate.
Just for the record, I really don't care one way or another about alcohol or drugs and what people do. The problem was that she was using it to maintain her distance from me.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Sept 25, 2019 7:16:05 GMT -5
I totally agree with elynne. Most women who say they don't like getting oral sex it comes down to the can't relax and enjoy it either because they are givers and they feel guilty doing something solely for their pleasure or they are self conscious about the wetness, smell or amount of time it's taking. But if you were having sex before a honest conversation may work. You can work around most issues. Do it after a shower, let her lay down in a dimly lit or dark room. Build get confidence ( you taste so good) but don't talk too much lol. Maybe a cocktail or glass of wine to relax her. And a little foreplay first so it doesn't take so long she's self conscious. Also tell her orgasm doesn't have to happen it's simply the pleasure you want to give her so she doesn't feel pressured.
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