Those of us who have been through 12-step programs are familiar with this prayer:
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference”
I cannot change the fact that my wife died or that she was mentally ill. But I could get her treatment. I could not change that she didn’t want sex. But I could decide whether to outsource or be celibate. If I chose to be celibate, then I had to accept it without resentment. If I resent my wife not having sex with me, then I haven’t accepted it. And I resented the hell out of my wife’s choice when I couldn’t outsource.
My resentment was as much with myself as with her. I knew I could leave, but I felt it was best to stay. Had I had more money, I could have left. But I didn’t.
Acceptance is what happens inside myself. I accepted that I can no longer drink. I really don’t miss alcohol. I accepted my wife’s illnesses. These were out of my control. But my sex life was in my control, so I did what I could.
Your spouse is NOT involved in therapy Sister elynne . It's bullshit. There is no therapist treating him for you to try and tap into (and that would be a complete non-event even if there was). That's the most likely scenario.
This has long since blown past having anything to do with your dud spouse. The marriage is done. It's just a matter of that fact being formalised.
This is now all about you - and apart from being an obstructive prick in your way of getting out - he has basically become irrelevant in any "us" sense.
If only there was more than a like button for this. I think more like AMEN! and HALLELUJAH! are in order.
I will be honest that for ME, being friends with members of the opposite sex is iffy. In my situation, I have many friends both female and male but most of the male friends are part of a couple and when we get together it's as couples instead of one-on-one. But the multiple times I *have* been alone with one of those male friends there was definite sexual chemistry. Even in (what I thought was) purely platonic friendships with guys in the past has turned into me being hit on at times.
But reading obobfla 's comment makes me think that it must be possible, it's just that both friends really must have ONLY friendship on the mind for it to work and in my experience, that has not been the case.
I grew up with four sisters and a strong-willed mother. My mom was by no means domineering, but she was tough and held her ground. I learned very quickly that women were much more than sex partners.
There is some sexual tension between my female friends and I. But neither one of us act on it. The friendship is too important. I’ve even become friends with former lovers. Once the question of sex is out of the way, we can talk honestly with each other. At times, there is a greater emotional intimacy when sex is off the table. There is definitely more honesty.
Fortunately, my late wife did not mind my having close female friends. If she diid mind, I would not have married her. For most of my life, most of my best friends were women. Some were crushes who kept me in the friend zone, but the crush went while the friendship grew. Others were women who I knew that were incompatible romantically with me. A sexual relationship, even a one-night stand, would have been toxic.
To me, having close platonic female friends is too valuable to give up. I get so much insight and honesty from them. My female friends helped me be a better husband, and my wife knew that. Most became her friends too.
So to me, having a spouse so insecure that he or she does not allow platonic friends is a problem. Your wife is isolating you, and that can be worse than not having sex. I would not tolerate that at all.
I had to move only days after my wife died, forcing me to go through photos and papers. Thankfully, I had family members who were able to gather up my wife’s stuff. My sisters first let my son pick out his favorites before they put her clothing and jewelry away. The photos and papers were boxed up, and I began sorting through them once I got settled.
I learned to take the photos and papers in small bites. I would eventually have to stop and cry. Once the tears came, that was it. I put the boxes away and waited another day. But sorting through the photos has been necessary for my grieving. I would remember both the good and the bad, and it helped me come to terms with her passing. God knows I am still not there yet. But slowly, I am putting a little perspective on her passing, living my life and raising my son.
I would highly recommend you don’t have an affair. Your husband probably isn’t intentionally hurting you. An affair is something you will never be able to take back. If he found out, it is almost certain to destroy the relationship you have with him.
I agree... and I don´t think I could have an affair. Not now
From my own experience, having an affair helped. I wondered if any woman would find me attractive, and I thought the SM was my fault. It wasn’t. While the sex was nice, the conversations and friendship were the most helpful. Mine was a long-distance affair, so we would chat often via Skype or Facebook. It was wonderful to see her face light up when she saw me!
In lieu of an affair, maybe just start reaching out to the people here. You need someone who acknowledges that you are a desirable woman.
This will be a strange Mother’s Day for me. I am taking my son to see his grandmother, who was my mother-in-law. It wil be his first Mother’s Day without his mother. She passed away in December. I’ve had my son in counseling and support groups, so he has been handling his mother’s death well.
But holidays like this bring out the hurt. I went through it Tuesday, which was supposed to be our 19th wedding anniversary. I called in sick to work and stayed in bed that day. Didn’t want to face or see anyone. Didn’t want to deal with rush hour traffic. Part of it was to protect the world from me, because I was in wounded animal/honey badger mode. What few fucks I had to give went away with my wife’s death. Don’t know what I would have done if someone cut me off in traffic.
My own mother died seven years ago, and it was my mother-in-law who helped me through that first one. Of my son, me, and her, she is the one probably hurting the most. My wife was her youngest.
I imagine there will be a lot of cathartic crying. Should have bought stock in Kleenex.
Careful making assumptions about what I (or any other person) know or don’t know or admit or don’t admit about our situations. There’s a lot of details left out here. I’m looking for practical advice, here. Really, I know my situation.
Just from reading this thread, here is my advice:
1. Do not spend another night in the same place as that man. He is not stable. In fact, consider a restraining order. It’s a piece of paper, but it gives you the option to call police when he comes close.
2. I would agree with @greekgoddess and others about Alanon. You would be surprised the amount of support you get.
3. Unless you trust a man completely, stick to females for help. You don’t need a white knight type right now, and a lot of men would jump in to help you for all the wrong reasons.
4. See a lawyer ASAP about what financial separation you can do. Hide your money in places he can’t access.
Obobfla, How'd you meet your new partner? Hearing how you got together would give some hope to those who fear that they will be forever partnerless if they leave their SM. This especially is true of people in longterm marriages who haven't dated in years.
What does your new partner think is crazy about herself?
I met her on OK Cupid. The site gives more details than others, so I find it easier to find someone more compatible with me. I tried other sites, but there were a few train wrecks there.
My partner had meningitis years ago and has a short term memory issue. However, her memory is not as bad as my late wife’s. My wife could never find where she parked her car.
As to my partner, she was married to a man who constantly put her down. Even years after her divorce, she has trouble shaking that or really telling someone how much she loves them. On the surface, she has a great self image. But she is still susceptible to depression and finds it hard to believe that things are going well. In a way, that is fine by me, as I am feeling the same. As we get closer, we may have issues arise. But right now, we are right where we want to be.
I was with my ladyfriend last night. She said she was broken and that I was in a relationship with “crazy ol me!”
I told her with a straight face that she was the sanest woman I had been in a relationship with. She didn’t believe me, but then I told her of my late wife’s schizo-affective disorder, the bipolar girls I dated, and the various co-dependents I had known. We had a good talk about past relationships. She was in a marriage that was emotionally abusive, so she is reticent about making any long term commitments or saying “I love you” to any man. She hasn’t said it to me, but I told her that her actions say it. We’re both happy with where we are right now.
But I owe myself a weekend retreat somewhere - away from her, my son, and everyone else. Since I’m a recovering alcoholic, I am due for a fourth step repeat. For those unfamilair with 12-step programs, a fourth step is where you take a long look at yourself, doing a “fearless moral inventory” and identifying your resentments and faults. The greatest dangers to us addicts and alcoholics are the parts of our lives that can lead us to bouts of self-pity. We also have to stop repeating patterns in our relationships as well.
I spent 17 years taking care of someone who was more like a daughter than my wife. I don’t need to repeat that. Fortunately, my ladyfriend is a lot more self-sufficient that my wife and much more strong emotionally. But I told her I will need to take some time to think about where I’ve been and where I want to go. I don’t know know where or when I will take this weekend, but hopefully soon.
I have been in a relationship for a little more than a month. So far, it’s been great. We have regular sex, which is something new for me. When I got sick with a bad cold and fever, she came over and took care of me, getting the cold herself. She doesn’t want much and says she is very happy with me. She knows that I am newly widowed and lets me mourn my wife when I need to. She’s not putting any pressure on me to move in with her or get married.
So, what is the problem? I find myself feeling the itch to try elsewhere, even though there is no one else in the picture. Maybe it’s too much too soon. Maybe she is not my normal type. Who knows?
I have to tell myself that it would be stupid of me to give up what I have. I think Paul Simon has me down to a tee.
I had an affair, and it did wonders for my self esteem. But distance ruined that relationship too. Still, I have no regrets.
I can relate to how you feel about your husband. After so many years of being rejected, I built up a resentment to my wife. Had she greeted me at the door naked, begging me for sex, I would not even be slightly interested in her. I loved her, but I was no longer in love with her.
The resentment bled into other parts of my life, stressing me out on the job and affecting my son. Although I couldn’t change my wife, I could work on myself. My emphasis was to work on myself and be with my son.
My marriage ended with my wife’s death, not divorce, last December. Believe it or not, I miss her. I have since started a new relationship that is perfect for where I am at right now. My lady friend lets me cry when I need to, and we have great guilt-free sex at least once a week. I am still grieving, but I am doing ok.
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
lonelywifey: Happy belated birthday saarinista! Hope you had a great, albeit sexless, day ;-)
Jun 6, 2018 9:49:31 GMT -5
saarinista: Thanks, guys! I just wanted to make sure someone was listening. I had a nice birthday, though no, I didn't have sex. But I did have a darned good chocolate layer cake (no not the whole thing, just a piece!)which was as good a substitute as there is!
Jun 6, 2018 14:10:25 GMT -5
saarinista: I know, nobody uses the shoutbox much, northstarmom . Dan and I were talking about how to make it more popular, but he's been off the boards lately sooo...oh well.
Jun 6, 2018 14:11:32 GMT -5
shynjdude: May you have sex befo' yo' nex', Saarinista!
Jun 6, 2018 20:04:46 GMT -5
nancyb: RIP Anthony Bourdain
Jun 8, 2018 6:26:23 GMT -5