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Post by obobfla on Apr 18, 2022 19:58:04 GMT -5
Having been in recovery from alcoholism for almost 28 years, I’ve learned a thing or two about co-dependency. Whenever there is an alcoholic or an addict, there is often a co-dependent with that person. They’re drawn together like different poles of magnets. I’ve known my share of both. First, co-dependency is different from most mental illnesses. It is not listed in the DSM-5, although dependent personality disorder is. Co-dependency is not treated with a pill, as depression or bipolar illness are treated. The most accepted treatement is intervention followed by 12-step therapy, just as in alcoholism. When I first started in recovery, I saw the following quote: “An alcoholic/addiction/co-dependent is someone who believes that he or she would be the ruler of the world were it not for a conspiracy between a vengeful God and everyone else in that person’s life.” I realized that I had to quit trying to rule the world and just deal with me. With that realization, sobriety became a lot easier.
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Post by obobfla on Feb 24, 2021 22:40:51 GMT -5
And to add another twist to the mix, I am having ED issues, primarily through medication for some issues I have (Fun older guy stuff, overactive bladder, enlarged prostate, depression etc. ) To attempt a new affair would be, in my eyes, somewhat disastrous, the remaining option is to utilise pay for play, which I am comfortable doing with a couple of carefully selected (older) ladies. One in particular who I trust and get along with very well. In the meantime, I have resolved to try to build a life outside of the marriage, difficult for me as I have never been much of a sociable person, but it is something she has actually encouraged me to do. I’m not surprised that your wife is encouraging you to find a life outside of your marriage. It would be good for both of you. As for the ED, check with your urologist. Sinfandel (generic Viagra) is fairly inexpensive now, even in the States. But part of it might be the stress you are under. I was not very randy the last year of my wife’s life. In your case, pay for play works, especially if you have a regular. Just stay safe.
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Post by obobfla on Feb 21, 2021 21:57:13 GMT -5
Although you say your wife was diagnosed six years ago and is still alive catlover, how is her life right now? Is she disabled or able to take care of herself? Are you in the USA and she is relying on your health insurance? I ask because you will need to budget yourself as your wife’s health deteriorates. There is only so much you can do. If she is terminal, she may be eligible for hospice care. In the US, hospice care is free of charge and opens a lot of services for both you and her. Take advantage of them. After my wife died, I questioned whether I did all I could for her. My head said yes, but part of me said no. Facing death requires brutal but compassionate honesty. A lot of us use euphemisms such “passed away” or “gone to the other side,” but grief counselors use the d-words of death and die to counteract the denial. Your wife is going to die. Guess what? You’re going to die too, maybe before she does. I get that you spent almost 40 years with her. Resolve your resentments. Say oodbye to her as a lover and help her die as a lifelong friend. You have your life to live. I’m glad that you are still friendly with your former mistress, but your wife’s illness may scare her away. Once again, be honest with yourself and her.Tell her what you need and what you can provide for her emotionally. We widowers run into two main types. A lot of women don’t know what to say to a widower and are scared of getting involved with him. Then there are the co-dependent types who who want to take care of the grieving man to the point of smothering him. Many of these are widows themselves. My mother-in-law lives in a retirement community. She told me that when a woman dies and leaves behind a husband, the “casserole brigade” of widows lines up at the grieving man’s doorstep hoping to woo the widower with food. If you’ve read my past posts, you will know that I would give anything to have my wife alive but to be divorced from her. We could talk about our son and how he is growing up. I could make sure she is okay and help her when I can. I’m sure she is fine wherever she is, but I can’t tell her now.
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Post by obobfla on Feb 20, 2021 1:10:35 GMT -5
My name was mentioned catlover, so here is my experience. I lost my wife three years ago. She was mentally ill before she became physically ill. The mental illness made her paranoid so that she became scared of having sex and getting pregnant after the birth of our son. I had a few affairs too, but she was too sick to divorce. Eventually, she got breast cancer and a weak heart, and she succumbed after nine months of hospitalization. When she finally died, I went through an emotional blender. I was shocked at first, then angry we had to go through this. Then I felt relief, finally free of my burdensome marriage. Then came the guilt for feeling relieved. I recovered from the guilt to be angry at myself, asking why I tolerated such a miserable marriage for so long. I still go through the blender, but mostly I deal with the empty space where she used to exist. We had a son together, and whenever there is a highlight in his life, there is sadness that she’s not there to see it. If there is a major difference between my situation than yours, it is that I didn’t know until the last month that she would die. For the nine months she was in the hospital or rehab center, it was a roller coaster ride whether she would make it or not. At least both you and she know, and you can have those difficult discussions. You can find a hospice, help her plan her funeral, and deal with whatever children or relatives there are. You might even get a chance to resolve some of your resentment before she dies, which will help a lot. But you came here asking about your sexual relationship. While your wife may still be alive, it’s apparent that your sexual relationship with her is dead. She is still your life partner for the past 40 years, and she could use your help leaving this world. But she is only your wife in the legal sense. If you can, talk to her about your need to move on and find somebody else. Forgive yourself and forgive her before she dies if you can. She might give you her blessing to find someone else before she leaves. As for what anyone besides you and her think, forget it! It’s your grief, not theirs. But I see a bigger issue in finding that next partner. You could use someone to comfort you not just sexually but emotionally as well. But while you may be able to satisfy your partner’s sexual needs, it’s going to be difficult giving that woman any emotional commitment. Your wife is dying, and you are grieving. You’re going to need space. I briefly considered polyamory, which is a fancy way of saying an open relationship. But I realized that I only have the energy to handle one woman at a time. Your experience may vary. I was fortunate to find someone two months after my wife’s death who wanted a sexual relationship but gave me the space to grieve. It’s not the best sex I ever had, but it is wonderful to have guilt-free sex with a woman who actually wants me. I hope you can find somebody like that. For now, look to grief support and widows groups. Although I am not a churchgoer, I find that religious establishments know how to deal with death really well. Check in with the chaplain at your wife’s hospital or hospice. You will need all the emotional support you can get.
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Post by obobfla on Dec 7, 2020 23:05:29 GMT -5
Having been through a refusing spouse going through a long illness and eventually succumbing to it, I can relate to your thoughts. I sometimes thought about becoming a widower before I became one. But now that I am one, I wish my wife was alive and we were divorced. I do not wish widowhood on anyone.
Yes, I’ve moved on and am in a steady relationship. I’ve had more sex in the last year than I had in my entire marriage. But I miss my parenting partner. When my son makes me proud, like his first football game, the happiness is deadened by the sadness that his mother is not there. Some of my son’s friends are divorced, but they show up and support their kids. They cheer together, focusing on their child, not their relationship. I envy them.
I’m sorry to see you go through this. It’s hard riding the roller coaster of wondering whether your wife will make it or not. But do all you can to be there for you and your kids. Seek out the palliative care staff at wherever she is hospitalized to help you and your family. As tough as it gets, be there for her and your kids. As bad as it is for you, it’s worse for them. If she dies, you will have less regrets.
If she passes, you and your kids will go through an emotional blender. There is going to be a big empty space she’s going to leave behind. I’ve been through anger, guilt, relief, and sadness since my wife died. My son and I are ok now, but we found a great grief counseling center where we live. At times, I feel my wife possess me. Even though my son is 18, I still make him breakfast. It’s what she would do.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 22, 2020 22:43:35 GMT -5
fish, my late wife was mentally ill, although her diagnosis was schizo-affective, not BPD. Basically, she had elements of schizophrenia and bipolar. After our son was born, she was paranoid about getting pregnant again. Our sex life died, even though I got a vasectomy. She also kept our son under her control, not letting him play sports or go too far alone. We should have divorced, but that would have left one or both of us in poverty. I live in the USA where there is no NHS. I could not afford two apartments on my salary and her disability. She eventually died I’d cancer and heart disease two years ago. My son and I had an honest talk about how his mother would cope with this COVID-19 quarantine. My son confessed that he was glad she wasn’t around for this, as his life would be way more restrictive. I confessed that I would give anything to have her alive but be divorced from her. Being married to her was stressful, but I miss talking to her about our son. No matter what, we always had our son that we brought into the world together. Since her death, he has played three sports, learned to ride a bike, and got a driver’s license. He also has friends whose parents are divorced but co-parent very well. I remember watching his homecoming date posing with her divorced parents as the father’s second wife took a picture of all three of them. It was smiles all around. I am still dealing with my wife’s mental illness along with her death. She was very sweet and loving, but the paranoia and the self-centered behavior made both my son and I very resentful of her. We both miss her, but life is better for us both of us now that she’s not with us. I’m in a steady healthy relationship now. I share my story to point out that divorce is not the same as death, and staying married to someone with a serious mental illness drains both you and your children. The resentment builds until it poisons your entire life.
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Post by obobfla on Apr 13, 2020 20:20:03 GMT -5
The whole thought of designing for sex sent my mind reeling. Watch out! In fact, the term “sexual architecture” made me think of an old strip club near here, The Booby Trap. It has since been razed. Apparently, the city of Winter Park, Florida, goes to a great deal o effort to save houses from the early 20th century but wanted this classic demolished.
First, I agree with the architect Louis Sullivan, who coined the phrase “form follows function.” I am also a fan of Donald Norman, a cognitive psychologist who wrote “The Design of Everyday Things.” His ideas have been used by Apple in designing the original Mac. So, if we are designing for the function of sex, what do we want to include or remove? To me, sex is a form of communication between the participants. Unless I were an exhibitionist (I am not), I would probably want sound proofing so that not only the sounds the participants made stayed in the room, but outside sounds would not interfere with the experience. I love the sound of children but not when I am making love. Two things are important to me when I have sex: comfort and cleanliness. As romantic as sex on the beach sounds, sand on your privates can kill the mood. I speak from experience. At my age, I don’t go for the quickie outdoors. I’ll wait for a warm bed with soft sheets. I’m intrigued with some sex furniture designed for a range of positions. There is this yoga lounge: The sex swing looks like a lot of fun:
I don’t know what research to back this all up. I haven’t tried either. I guess I will have to research this further.
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Post by obobfla on Mar 21, 2020 12:13:35 GMT -5
Since I know some celibate people who are sane and content, the answer is no for me.
In fact, I an hesitant to say I need it, because that could mean I am addicted to it. I am addicted to alcohol. When I drank, I would drink anything that would get me drunk, whether it was aged whiskey or cheap beer. I am more discriminating with my sex partners. I savor the aged whiskey and pass on the cheap beers and wines.
However, sex is more important to me now that I am a widower. Sex reminds me that I am still very much alive and my body still works.
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Post by obobfla on Jan 3, 2020 16:32:07 GMT -5
Thank you all for responding. Christmas was actually really great. He said he was sorry and was really affectionate. His apt with his pcp was canceled due to the dr having a family emergency so it is now scheduled for later this week. Without getting too personal, during those weeks of saying he wanted an open marriage and all of that he was wanting to have sex daily. The things he wanted to do he has never brought up before. He says I am the only person he has ever been sexually attracted to and thats the reason he thinks he may be bisexual. Neither of us have ever been with anyone else. The past few days have kinda went back to normal. He has talked about things he wants us to do to the house,traveling plans, etc. I am still really afraid all of this will come back up again. He says we are fine and he is happy but i thought we were before this happend. Maybe time will heal some of the hurt and pain. I still very much want to be with him and i want to be his support through whatever is going on. Im hoping talking to his pcp will be the first step in finding help. Please have a talk with your husband to get his permission to talk to his doctors about his mental health. When it comes to your husband’s physical conditions, a doctor can give details about your husband’s health. But if your husband is suffering from a mental illness within the USA, healthcare providers are legally prohibited from even acknowledging that your husband is under their care unless you have your husband’s written permission to discuss his health. My wife was more than willing to give me permission. I had to remind her that I didn’t need to know everything, so I never asked what she discussed with her doctor and counselor. I did not want to intrude on whatever secrets she wanted to share with her providers. Every now and then, I would sit in on her sessions. I gave my observations which her psychiatrist used to adjust her meds. Like most of us, my wife liked to tell her doctors that things were better than they actually were. Who doesn’t tell their doctor that they eat better, exercise more, or smoke less they actually do? I gave her doctor a more honest picture of her mental health. Realize that your husband can deny this permission at any time. It’s his treatment and his right. You have to reassure him that you are his advocate through the process, so he doesn’t revoke that permission. If your husband doesn’t let you talk to his providers, get their physical and email addresses. Legally, they can’t discuss his treatment over the phone, but they can read your letters and emails. Trust me, doctors do appreciate your feedback.
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Post by obobfla on Jan 2, 2020 18:46:48 GMT -5
To answer your question @tooyoungtobeold, the answer is probably no. As well as being a means for procreation and an enormously pleasurable activity, sex is a wonderful way to communicate. When I am making love to my partner, I am telling her that she is an attractive woman, that I want to please her, and that I am glad she is in my life. Most of us on this forum would probably agree that all communication suffered as well as the sex.
In my case, my wife and I kept up the daily routine of kisses goodbye, hugs, and lunchtime phone calls. But our marriage evolved from husband-wife to caretaker-patient. She needed reassurance constantly to calm her fears. I found myself building up a lot of resentment towards her. It was not just for the lack of sex; it was the general oblivion to my feelings. In turn, my resentment cut off my attachment to her.
Fortunately, my wife never went to as much effort to hide her body as your wife does. We could still dress in front of each other, although we closed the door when we used the bathroom. Just a thought, but I am wondering if she is shy about showing her body to anyone and not just you. My wife had mental health issues and paranoia, but she wasn’t that shy about her body.
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Post by obobfla on Dec 27, 2019 17:00:18 GMT -5
Regarding what we want for Christmas..... I guess it's time for an update from SurferGirl. Does anyone remember me? It's okay. I don't remember myself either. I feel the need to chime in because it's Christmas....and because I made a HELL OF A YEAR. I made $900,000 this year in passive income. I'm only saying this because I'm anonymous and you don't know me and can't trip and fall on my property and sue me. I bought an AMG with cash and....other stuff. I don't even like cars, but I'm dating some dude from NASCAR, so now I have an AMG. I have a boyfriend who worships me AND I get regular hot sex....finally. But I'm saying all this because my relationships with my kids -- which were formally very strong and solid -- got sabotaged by my ex and nothing else matters to me. I don't know what you guys think is successful, but to me, this is the only thing that matters now that I've attained all the things everyone wishes for.... At the end of my life, I just want to love and be loved. And divorce has hurt my relationships with my minor children. And it sucks. I hope it recovers. I don't know if it was worth it. All I know is that I wanted to get laid so badly. And after I filled that void, I realized that in the depth of my being, that the thing I want is intimacy -- to be known and seen and understood....and still loved. Hey surfergirl! How can I ever forget you? I had a great time meeting you at that beachside bar. Glad to see things are working out for you. I know a few people who work or have worked at NASCAR. And I won’t fall on your property and sue you. But I might ask to borrow your car. I think your kids will come around. It will take time, though. Kids have a way of seeing through things. I am dealing with a 17-year-old right now. From the time he turned 13, I became stupid. My sister explained that I will be stupid until sometime in his mid 20s, when he realizes that I was right all along. Whatever you do, don’t try to buy things for them. Just find a way to spend some time with them. Let them vent. As tough as divorce is on kids, it’s nothing compared to what my son went through losing his mother. He took a girl to his school’s homecoming dance. It was the girl’s first formal dance, so she, her dad, her mom, and her stepmother met us beforehand for pictures. The stepmother took a picture of the girl together with her divorced parents. Everyone was all smiles. While it was great to see them all get along, it reminded my son and I what we had lost. Trust me, they will reach out to you eventually.
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Post by obobfla on Dec 20, 2019 0:01:24 GMT -5
I had to read through your posts a few times, momandwife . First, I noticed the part where your husband says he is bisexual and wants either a divorce or an open marriage. Hey, we talk sexual issues here all the time! But then I read the part where you said “something mental is going on.” Your daughter has been diagnosed bipolar, and your husband is acting bipolar. Sex is far from being your main problem here. It’s not who your husband is having or not having sex with. It’s that he’s acting unstable in an already volatile situation. First, I would echo what baza and Handy said. Get legal representation to protect yourself financially. I am no lawyer, but I know that in most places a marriage is a partnership where debts are shared equally. See how you can protect your assets for you and your children. My late wife was diagnosed as schizo-affective, which is somewhere between schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I know firsthand how mental illness affects a family. When my wife started hearing voices, I got her into treatment where she got the right meds. Then I found the nearest NAMI chapter and got myself help. NAMI stands for the National Alliance on Mental Illness, and it’s website is at www.nami.org/. My NAMI chapter offered both a class and a support group for family members of mentally ill people. Both literally saved my marriage and my family. I eventually became a support group facilitator. If you are in the USA, I highly recommend it. When I was a support group facilitator, I came across both parents and spouses of mentally ill people. The parents were the main members of the group. They felt responsible for their child’s illness and fought for their children even if the child was now an adult. The spouses like myself were different. We were resentful of the illness and were frustrated with our partners. I was one of the few spouses who kept coming to meetings. Dealing with a mentally ill child who is not an adult is very different than dealing with a mentally ill spouse or an adult mentally ill offspring, at least in the USA. As a parent, you have to be your child’s advocate and cannot be shut out of therapy. If your mentally ill family member is an adult, he or she can block therapists from even acknowledging to you that he or she is even receiving treatment. Right now, your daughter needs you. As to your husband, I would suggest that you gently give him an ultimatum. Tell him he has to be part of the solution, not the problem. I am sorry about the abuse in his past and his struggles with his sexuality, but he has to get himself help. I was fortunate that my wife welcomed treatment. Had she refused, I would have no choice but to leave her and take my son with me. As to you, feel free to message me individually. I know you are going through a hell few people can comprehend. Some of the members here have had similar experiences with mentally ill spouses, and a few of these members were not in the USA . Let us know what country you are in, and we can find resources for you.
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Post by obobfla on Dec 14, 2019 9:35:47 GMT -5
My condolences, jim44444. Sadly, I have become an authority on grieving, having gone through many of the stages with the death of my wife. One truth I have realized is that no one really grieves the same way. I’ve gone through the initial shock of her death, followed by the emotional blender of those first few months. That has been followed by the long stretch of adjusting to the empty space she left behind, which the most common form of grieving. I still experience this one. Hell, I go through this one on the cat I lost five years ago. This is the sneaky form of grief. I come across some situation in which she and I shared, like watching my son do something or playing with the cats. Then it hits me - she’s not there! It’s hard to hold back the tears when it happens. With the second anniversary of her death approaching, I’ve come across a new emotion - paranoia. I get scared that everyone will forget her, so I must keep her memory alive. Yes, it’s ridiculous, I haven’t forgotten my late cat, so how am I going to forget about my wife? Since I grew up Catholic, I’ve got a handy solution. The Church has saint feast days, normally celebrated on the anniversary of the saint’s death. I’ve set aside the anniversary of my wife’s death to go to the places we spent together, the church where we were married, and the park where we shared our first kiss. Since her death was right before Christmas, it allows me to get my grieving out of the way and enjoy Christmas. Online or not, I think the best way to deal with grieving is through the memories and the shrines we create from those memories. No, she’s not there. But she was, and a part of her is with me here.
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Post by obobfla on Nov 23, 2019 11:17:39 GMT -5
I fall into deep lust every time I go to the grocery store. Fortunately, my dad instincts take over on any female under 25. If it really gets bad, I find a simple solution- talk to them. If a quick conversation reveals that the woman has little between the ears or the depth of an evaporating puddle, it works like a cold shower.
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Post by obobfla on Oct 24, 2019 20:09:34 GMT -5
I think this thread gives me the chance to remind everyone to have those difficult discussions now when both you and your spouse are of somewhat sound mind and body. It’s not about sex but death itself. Talk burial arrangements. Where do you want your remains to go? If it’s somewhere other than where you live, consider cremation. Shipping a full-sized body in a casket can be expensive. I had my wife cremated so I can bring her ashes to her father’s grave in Massachusetts.
What life insurance policies do you have? What about emergency funds? What are the bereavement policies where you work? Death is as expensive as divorce, sometimes even more so. Notice that most insurance companies don’t offer marriage insurance policies like they do life insurance. My wife had no life insurance, and I am still climbing out of that financial hole.
I cannot recommend hospice care enough. In the U.S., where health care help from the government lags behind almost every other developed country, hospice care is paid for by the federal government. All you need to do to qualify for care is have a doctor say the patient has an illness that could result in death in the next six months. Often, hospice care extends life so the six months can become two or more years. Getting hospice care is not admitting defeat. It’s realizing that the inevitable is going to happen soon.
I was in the process of putting my wife into a hospice when she died. Both my parents had hospice care and were able to spend their last moments in their own bed with family around. They received home health care until they passed. When that happened, we just had to call the hospice, who called the funeral home and took care of leftover medications.
Hospices also provide grief counseling, but I had an issue with the grief counselor the hospice provided. I did find a good grief support group at a local church, and I’m really not the church-going type. But churches deal with sickness and death all the time. They are excellent resources for support when a family member is dying.
My wife’s death was a traumatic experience. There is no way I could have emotionally prepared for it. Since her death, I’ve noticed that I am more emotional. I rarely cried before her illness. Now I cry at the drop of a hat. I wasn’t in any shape to make major decisions when she died, so I’m glad I had most made beforehand.
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