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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 19, 2018 19:43:27 GMT -5
Brother deadzone75 (been looking through your back posts) This (from your 8th April 2017 post - "I must come clean and admit that I have no exit plan in my SM, because it is not financially possible. Through a series of idiotic moves in my life (which included marriage), I find myself in a situation where it would take (at the earliest) two years before I would be even close to being able to take that leap, when I'm pushing 44. Which means I stay out of convenience in a terribly inconvenient situation. I'm not proud to admit it, but it's the truth"At the time (April 2017) there was a chorus of "see a lawyer etc" responses so you can start your exit strategy now and get it knocked into shape. That was 20 months ago, and there is only another 4 months to go until April 2019 to bring up the two years. Are you any closer to resolution than in April 2017 Brother ? Time is not your friend in these situations Unfortunately, not any closer to a resolution. I've entered the "counter refusal" phase, which quite literally does nothing. I have considered the logistics of moving out on my own, but I'd be looking at having to move to a cheaper state, less enjoyable living conditions, etc. Plus my self-esteem is low enough to where I don't see the point of leaving if I just end up alone anyway. Indeed time is not on my side. If I can ever convince myself that it's one or the other, that it can never be both, maybe I'll be closer to at last finding some peace. Do I want comfort and an emotional void with no physical intimacy, or do I want discomfort and uncertainty with a shot at the kind of love and passion that I have to strain to remember.
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 19, 2018 13:19:58 GMT -5
It sucks when simple acts like going to the gym, getting up for work, or going to the grocery store seem like lifting the weight of the world. Reality does suck, but you aren't alone. I guess there is always hope that an atom bomb will go off in the heads of our refusers and they will suddenly wake up and realize what they have done/are doing to the person they vowed to take care of for the rest of their lives. In the meantime, go out and buy yourself a present or three! That's what I did. I might not score in the bedroom for the holidays, but I sure will score in the hobby department. @ deadzone ... You made me chuckle! I may just go buy myself something nice after all! That said, big blow up over the weekend and a reset right before Christmas may work to my advantage this year. Now he feels badly and will want to make it up to me. I may score in the bedroom and under the tree! lol! I will enjoy it while it lasts. Sadly, it never lasts quite long enough. :/ Enjoy your new toys!! I actually saw your post about the blow up after I commented. You're exactly right; enjoy it while it lasts! AND under the tree?? Well, Merry Christmas to you! Props to you for at least having that dialogue and telling him how you feel and how he humiliated you. In most cases we know where things will eventually end up after a reset, but like you said, the more you have those conversations, the easier it is for you to picture yourself doing what you need to do for you. Who knows, maybe 2019 will be a better year for many of us ILIASM sufferers, one way or another.
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 19, 2018 12:52:10 GMT -5
I'm finding myself especially down and hopeless this morning. I hate the idea of walking away from my marriage, but staying would kill me, is slowly killing me.Trying my best to at least get thru the holidays and keep a positive attitude, but some days it's just oh so hard. This isn't what I expected when I said, "I do". This isn't what I wanted, hoped for, or needed. Just venting. No answers to be offered in response. I just know you all understand. Things could be so much better, workable, if only he would help me, hear me, work with me. But I can't do it by myself. Focus on myself and stop worrying about him. One of you kind strangers said that to me the other day. So that is what I'm trying to do. At the gym to start my day, of to work then and on with the rest of my day. These things won't change whether I'm wearing a wedding ring or not. Doing what I can do and need to do for me. Again, just needed to get these feelings out so I don't silently cry at my desk all day. Reality sucks. Thank you for letting me vent. It sucks when simple acts like going to the gym, getting up for work, or going to the grocery store seem like lifting the weight of the world. Reality does suck, but you aren't alone. I guess there is always hope that an atom bomb will go off in the heads of our refusers and they will suddenly wake up and realize what they have done/are doing to the person they vowed to take care of for the rest of their lives. In the meantime, go out and buy yourself a present or three! That's what I did. I might not score in the bedroom for the holidays, but I sure will score in the hobby department.
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 19, 2018 12:23:51 GMT -5
deadzone75 - 43 is young, in my mind. I was around that age when the 3-year completely celibate period began. I didn’t “vote with my feet” until 47. I’ve had a couple/few partners that didn’t work out. Am now with a man a few years younger than me (I’m 50, he’s 45). I’m not sure it’s the greatest love story in history- but we are each authentic and we respect each other ... and each other’s needs ... and that’s more than I can say for the end of my 17-yr marriage. Never leave the marriage dependent on whether you think you can find another partner. But if your ILIASM trajectory is similar to mine, you may find yourself in the place where being alone would still be better than the daily emotional abuse of ignoring your existence. For me, anyway - I got to a point where single & broke but responsible for my own happy or unhappiness sounded far better than staying. And I was right - it is better. And not because I found a younger man I like quite a bit. But because away from my SM, I got to be a whole person again. I got to get back to the business of being ME. I hope you will see sometime that age is a state of mind. I know lots of folks 10 & even 20 years older than me who are fit & happy and who happen to also be in relationships they cherish. I hope you will find your way, too, back to an authentically happy existence, independent of who else may or may not be sharing the bed. Thank you for those kind words, GeekGoddess. And, authentic and respectful actually DOES sound like the greatest love story! I'm glad you finally got what you deserve from a relationship!
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 13, 2018 0:05:46 GMT -5
I agree with you isthisit . A few years back, my W was certain that we had sex "all the time" one summer. The truth was that we had sex once on a Saturday night in August and again the next morning but that was it for the whole summer. Before that, we hadn't had sex since mid-June and after that it was October before it happened again. She really believed that we had sex " all the time" and was honestly confused about my baffled expression when I heard her say that. I corrected her about it and she didn't have any numerical frequency in mind but to her it "felt like all the time" so she didn't realize how little it actually was. She didn't argue with my correction or disbelieve me, but it just hadn't occurred to her that it was so infrequent. It was one of those cases where she thought it was "just the other day" but was really months ago. That's why I keep track ... I have a calendar and mark it down so neither of us is mistaken in our memories. I actually have it in my head, when we have sex. But then, it's only 3 dates out of the year I need to memorize.
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 11, 2018 21:04:32 GMT -5
deadzone75 you are totally not alone. My h asked me if I wanted to "do something sexual" a few months ago. My honest reaction was revulsion. After being rejected for so long, knowing he has been living just happily for YEARS without touching me, I will never be comfortable touching him again. I will always hold the knowledge of how much he does not desire me between us. We all make choices. I am still in it for the moment although we are openly talking about separating and he knows it is coming. Can you explain why your finances mean you have to stay trapped without love, passion and desire for the rest of your life? Seems an extreme choice. You touch on a hard truth. Even if we were to have sex, I know that it's really just me who is into it. Not that she doesn't get pleasure from it once in the act, but that I know if it were up to her, it would never even be taking place. Because of that knowledge, the last few times we did have sex, I could barely function. Because I knew only I was truly into it, AND also thinking in the back of my mind that this was probably the last time I had sex for 4-5 months. Kinda takes the joy out of it. I'm a little loose with my finances. We don't live beyond our means really, but we have no kids, and I do enjoy my expensive hobbies (entertainment has been key to my survival without sex). I suppose I have enough money to move out and get some tiny apartment, but I'd have to move out of the Dallas area, back to Iowa or somewhere you can live cheaply. If you try to live cheap in the DFW area, you risk being robbed daily, or worse. Plus I would need to find a better or multiple jobs, etc. I guess it's the price I pay to live comfortably. Plus, if I move out, and then find nobody, then I'm just as bad off, and poorer. And like many of us in sexless relationships, the outlook is bleak, as we have taken a major hit on our self-esteem. I'm 43, pretty sure whatever looks I once had have packed up and left long ago, and feel terrible more often than not. I would never expect to meet anyone ever again outside of maybe a dating site or something. Time is not on my side.
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 11, 2018 20:53:32 GMT -5
Yup same here. I once asked ‘why am I celibate again’ to my H, who replied, ‘oh come on it’s only been a few days’ I was speechless as the truth was 11 weeks. I agree with shamwow time flies for refusers when all is well in their world. But do they really believe that? Maybe they get suck displeasure from sex that it feels like yesterday, like a dentist visit. I can't wrap my mind around that.
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 11, 2018 0:41:41 GMT -5
Your run of stories since your opener in January 2017 have been pretty consistent Brother deadzone75 . And in this one (quoting you here) - "So I'm done. I would rather get myself off for the rest of my life than give in and accept this garbage sex life one more time. At least I know when it's just me, everyone involved is having a good time" - appears to indicate you are taking a position of 'counter-refusal'. Whereas that is a perfectly legitimate position to take (and at least puts you in control of your sexlife) there are few - if any - examples in here where 'counter-refusal' did anything to bring an ILIASM deal to resolution in and of itself. It has been seen to be a stepping stone toward that though. I guess that's what I'm clinging to: taking some kind of control of my sex life. Maybe even feeling like I'm getting some revenge on her, although can you really get revenge on someone who doesn't want sex anyway? More like I'm doing her a favor.
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 10, 2018 19:44:30 GMT -5
So I've been off of here for months. I decided I was sick of trying to solve a sexless marriage that can't be solved. Exiting is not an option for financial reasons (no kids), so I just accepted the fact that I will forever have to get myself off and just live life. But then, as I suppose always happens, I needed to know I wasn't alone. I know I'm not, but I have to read the words and feel the emotions that I feel. I am angry, and want to know others are just as angry and frustrated and sad.
We've had sex 3 times this year, and recently my wife texted me that she was thinking that we could have sex over a weekend "if I wanted". I said sure, but then she apparently forgot about it, or she expected me to be the initiator, which I ALWAYS am. Not one word was said about it, no flirtations, no innuendos, nothing but the usual boring existence we share. So I think I am now beyond being just a victim of a sexless marriage. I think I have reached the point where I flat out don't want sex with her...ever again, if it means I'm accepting 3-4 times a year. I am done with the annual talk about how this hurts me and how my needs are not being met. To give in and have that rare sexual encounter is accepting my fate year after year, during which she makes promises that she has no intention of keeping.
During out last annual "talk", she finally admitted that she doesn't think about sex. Ever. And that she would be okay with sex just once a month (yeah right...I wish it was once a month). So I'm done. I would rather get myself off for the rest of my life than give in and accept this garbage sex life one more time. At least I know when it's just me, everyone involved is having a good time.
So I wonder if anyone here has felt the same. Am I just being stubborn when I should just take the sex I'm offered? I don't think so. I don't think I can live with myself anymore if I go on pretending. I'm standing my ground, even if nobody cares but me.
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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 12, 2018 21:27:10 GMT -5
Used to bring it up once a year. Never mattered and just made me feel worse, so I haven't brought it up in three years. Never will again.
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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 11, 2018 23:41:08 GMT -5
We used to have silly fun now and then, and even date night was amusing until the weight of knowing I would get no sex in the end made me just want to stay home.
Now, it's pretty much resentment and anger 24/7.
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Post by deadzone75 on Jan 22, 2018 20:00:31 GMT -5
Welcome. To expand on what h said, once the decision is made to stay, there really isn't any encouragement to be had. I'm in the same boat. No sex, no outlook for it to ever improve as long as I'm with my W, and not in a situation to leave. When the love is there and nothing else...the only positive is that you are not alone.
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 23, 2017 14:06:26 GMT -5
We are all wired a bit differently. I have worked long hours my whole marriage, perhaps because it is an escape. It keeps my mind off things I should have been thinking about. If I had a week or two where I did not want to be at work, I would write that off as normal. If it lasted for months, I would assume that was God telling me to find something else to do. I work with people that hate their jobs. I do not want to be like that. That's where I'm at. I hate home and I hate work. Double-bummer.
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 23, 2017 14:04:38 GMT -5
My marriage makes work a certain kind of refuge. I've ended up working in a job I don't like much. It's definitely not my calling or my passion. But it is better than being home with my wife in a lot of ways. People at work appreciate me and say so. They smile when they see me. They listen and care about what I have to say. I get respect and some affirmation. So, work's pretty good and I've learned not to dread it. That's what I was hoping for when I moved from my awesome job in Seattle. We moved so the W could take on her latest promotion, which left me searching for a job. I found nothing for months, and was faced with depression and a feeling of worthlessness (in addition to the worthlessness no sex brings). All I wanted was a job. Then I got one and on paper it was great, but inside it is miserable: micromanaging, daily lectures, co-workers who don't want to talk to you, no consecutive days off, no lunch breaks half the time. It's like, what have I done to deserve this? All I want is an escape from my crappy home life, and now matters are worse. But maybe it starts at home.
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 23, 2017 11:12:09 GMT -5
I hate my job. I mean, I dread it. I never have consecutive days off, so I spend my one day off dreading going back in the next day.
Yet I find myself wondering...would I hate it as much if I had sex on an even semi-regular basis? Maybe my co-workers feel the same, but they don't show it.
Maybe in their minds they think...yeah, this sucks, but at least I'm getting laid tonight. Or getting a blowjob tonight. Or even a handjob tonight. Or even just an erotic text to read.
Anyone else finding it hard to "be an adult" in a sexless life? Or maybe my job just really sucks.
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