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Post by h on Jan 22, 2018 13:32:03 GMT -5
As you have already stated, it's not a deal breaker so you have already made the decision to stay. I guess you have to find a way to own that choice and manage the feelings that result from it.
I'm sorry you have found yourself here though. Welcome to the club that nobody wants to be a part of.
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Post by baza on Jan 22, 2018 17:29:45 GMT -5
Your spouse might be cheating. Nothing you can do about that.
Your spouse might be just disinterested in sex generally. Nothing you can do about that either.
Your spouse might be just disinterested in sex with you. Again, nothing you can do about that.
Whatever issues he has are his. Nothing that you can do about them. It is his gig to address his issues, and he is under no obligation at all to do anything about them.
The only thing that you can control is whether you are going to remain in the unsatisfactory situation or not.
And at this point, your choice is to stay in the unsatisfactory situation, as it isn't bad enough - yet - to leave.
And that is a perfectly legitimate choice.
Chances are, as the situation rolls on, that it WILL get bad enough to cause you to review your choice to stay. But that's not today.
Presumably you have trialled all the scented candles / counselling strategies and found him to be resistant to these entreaties (if you haven't, give them a go) but essentially all you can do is wait for things to get bad enough.
It would probably be a smart move to start widening your support base and start building into your life things that you enjoy that do not require his presence or involvement. And concentrate on those things rather than him and his various issues.
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Post by deadzone75 on Jan 22, 2018 20:00:31 GMT -5
Welcome. To expand on what h said, once the decision is made to stay, there really isn't any encouragement to be had. I'm in the same boat. No sex, no outlook for it to ever improve as long as I'm with my W, and not in a situation to leave. When the love is there and nothing else...the only positive is that you are not alone.
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Post by obobfla on Jan 22, 2018 20:27:49 GMT -5
I would not talk to him about the past, but keep on talking to him about the present. Really, it seems to be mostly a medical issue. And I’m sure that he will agree that it’s not you - it’s him.
First, meds - there are plenty out there with sexual side effects. I once took Viagra, which worked for what it was intended. I was rock hard in no time. The problem was that my problem was not getting an erection. It was getting an orgasm. I was taking an antidepressant that made it harder to climax, and sex was kind of frustrating at times.
At least you two are being honest with each other. But he does need to adjust his attitude about sex. I keep thinking about the farmer, the mule, and a two-by-four - “First you have to get its attention.”
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 23, 2018 0:33:41 GMT -5
One person can’t change another person. If you’ve not tried couples counseling, it may help to clear the air so he could talk about this issue with you without it being “you making him feel inadequate” but beyond some conversations, that isn’t likely to change the facts on the ground. As baza points out, you don’t need to do anything and that’s a totally legit choice. If you find your own counselor, that could help you accept him as he is perhaps. Until the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving, you’re likely to stay. Or vice-versa: when the potential pain of leaving seems more appealing than staying in the known pain, that is when people decide to make a change. Welcome. And good luck navigating the mine field of SM.
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