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Post by deadzone75 on Jan 3, 2019 13:26:34 GMT -5
My New Year's Eve was spent at home, as my husband requested. I wanted to go out, but he is a homebody. I made a nice dinner and tried to make the house as romantic as possible. *compromise* There was no sex, but cuddling by the fire. Then he was asleep by 10:30pm. The next day I asked for sex. He, in turn, asked to talk. This is foreign to me, as he's never once in our 7 years together offered to have a discussion with me. Apparently there were still some things bothering him from our last big blow up and near split a couple weeks ago that he wanted to talk about. He wanted a "fresh start" to start the new year. Surprised me, but I was more than happy to talk to him. It was a good discussion, things got a little heated, but all stayed in check. We found another truce, each learned a little something more about the other, he took me upstairs and we started off the new year with a bang (pun intended). Still so far from 'fixed', but him being willing to talk to me is huge and I will take it. The snails pace and baby steps are making me crazy at times and I grow impatient, but so long as I keep seeing some sort of willingness on his part, I will take it. I keep speaking my truth and making it known what I need. I still keep pressing the issue but trying to not be unreasonable and push him too far too fast. I've come to realize that we may find ourselves just incompatible. This would be devastating but at least all would have been brought to light and all attempts to save the marriage made. If we end up splitting, I'm more confident it will be amicable and not hateful, as the love it still clear and present. We'd just get to a place where we would have to agree to disagree, agree to stop hurting each other and asking for things the other just cannot provide, hug and say goodbye. So far though, I'm still holding out hope. I'm grateful for a positive start to the new year and just the willingness I now see with him actually talking to me, listening to me, and being willing to work with me a little. Far from a turnaround, but at least we are both walking in the same direction ... at least for the moment. Wishing all my forum friends a wonderful 2019 filled with whatever your own hearts desire most. That definitely sounds like progress! Communication AND sex, not a bad way to end 2018 and start 2019! I know it's cautious optimism, but if you see the willingness, there is hope. That's great to hear
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Post by deadzone75 on Jan 2, 2019 23:32:11 GMT -5
It definitely can be peaceful, at least the embalming part. Dealing with the families can give you peace in a way, as you are helping them through the toughest time in life. I am an introvert, so the profession fit me well once. I no longer work in the field, though. I left it while I was working in Seattle for reasons that boiled down to the job eventually messing with my head, as it unfortunately so often does to people in the profession. So now I write...horror. Fitting in a way Living in a fictitious world is so much healthier than real life. You are officially one of the coolest and most interesting people ever!! And I have travelled around the world and met TONS of people. Do not doubt it!! Whatever ways our SM deals have trashed our self esteem it is important for you and all of us to know we are each unique and amazing. Thanks for sharing a bit of your awesome. You are awesome for giving me those kind words. I'm willing to bet you are far more interesting, however. For example, you have been around the world, no doubt seeing and doing lots of things most people will never get to experience. I absolutely agree, we are ALL unique and amazing, even if we feel like little worms on big hooks.
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Post by deadzone75 on Jan 2, 2019 21:59:21 GMT -5
I attended the Dallas Institution of Funeral Service to become a Funeral Director and Embalmer. You can do one or the other, but I took the dual program to do both. The classes were relentless, and you had to find time to do several cases (embalms) in front of instructors in the midst of regular classes/finals. I had once heard that nobody makes it through funeral school without some type of prescription drug. I had once thought that was joke. So cool! I love how diverse this world is!! Do you enjoy this work? I would think it would be spiritually heavy although I could also imagine it being peaceful in some way. So interesting!! It definitely can be peaceful, at least the embalming part. Dealing with the families can give you peace in a way, as you are helping them through the toughest time in life. I am an introvert, so the profession fit me well once. I no longer work in the field, though. I left it while I was working in Seattle for reasons that boiled down to the job eventually messing with my head, as it unfortunately so often does to people in the profession. So now I write...horror. Fitting in a way Living in a fictitious world is so much healthier than real life.
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Post by deadzone75 on Jan 2, 2019 20:41:15 GMT -5
Graduating from funeral school. Hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. Well, next to living in a SM. At the risk of sounding naive, what precisely is funeral school? I suppose I could google it but I am more interested in your explanation. I attended the Dallas Institution of Funeral Service to become a Funeral Director and Embalmer. You can do one or the other, but I took the dual program to do both. The classes were relentless, and you had to find time to do several cases (embalms) in front of instructors in the midst of regular classes/finals. I had once heard that nobody makes it through funeral school without some type of prescription drug. I had once thought that was joke.
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Post by deadzone75 on Jan 2, 2019 19:10:41 GMT -5
Your question for today: What is something you’ve accomplished that you are really proud of? Graduating from funeral school. Hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. Well, next to living in a SM.
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 30, 2018 18:11:59 GMT -5
The question of the day recently got me thinking. Feeling loved ? I might be more particular than I thought when I realised that what I like is a very gentle quiet approach. An arm on my shoulder (when I am sitting down) feels so good. What makes other people feel loved ? I already feel loved, in the sense I know she genuinely loves me. But I don't feel desired, and that's what is killing me. In my opinion, love means nothing if there is no desire. Just loving someone means you are either their family or their really good friend.
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 30, 2018 18:08:08 GMT -5
If Lucy is disinterested she should avoid even talking about football. She is just a football (cock) tease. Lucy didn't want to give it to Charlie Brown, but she wanted to give it to Schroder in the worst way, yet he didn't want it from her.
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 28, 2018 15:19:45 GMT -5
Stay or leave are both legitimate choices. In both of those options, cheat can be a tolerable coping strategy. That being said, if you plan on cheating and don't want to get caught, you need a lot more than a disposable email address. I never cheated when I was married. I'm a shitty liar and would have gotten caught so I just divorced her. So I'm probably not the one to ask. But there are a number of threads on this site that go into this in great detail. One thing, though. A dating site is a really bad idea. You need to find someone who is also married and has just as much to lose if the whole affair goes public. Someone on a dating site could blow up your life out of spite if things didn't work out to their expectations. Not for the faint of heart, friend. 1000% correct. I met someone outside of my relationship years ago, and the only reason I engaged was because she made it very, very clear she was not looking to upset the balance of her life. She had way too much to lose, but her needs not being met drove her to extremes. Neglect of your basic needs will drive you to risk everything, and sometimes without really thinking it through.
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 28, 2018 12:52:20 GMT -5
Here’s my story...sorry if it’s a bit of a ramble. My W and I have sex about one every month or two (closer to 2 months) and I ALWAYS have to initiate. We’ve recently had some pretty big fights about it. I try to be intimate, foreplay, but she won’t partake or whines about it. “Just stick it in” is all I get. God forbid I try to touch her, I get pushed away. We talked about our issues in the bedroom and she claims she has no drive anymore. She said she’s going to talk to her doctor about it. We’re both around 40 and it has been this way for 3-4 years. We have young kids (5, 9), so I know that can get in the way, but I’m tired of begging for it and the fact when it happens, it’s “hump and run”. Am I asking for too much or expecting too much? Not sure what to do. You aren't overreacting anytime your needs are not being met. I guess without knowing much backstory, it's hard to give an opinion, but at least she has stated she will go see a doctor (now see if she follows through with that). How was her drive before the last 3-4 years? Before the kids? Is there lots of stress in the household?
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 27, 2018 10:59:55 GMT -5
Question for today: What are you looking for in a relationship? I’m going to think about this and provide my answer a little later. Everything I have in my current relationship, plus sex. Part of the reason I am still in this SM is because everything else is fine. Better than fine, even. Sex is truly the missing piece. Well, I guess it's missing some honesty and communication as well, which is a result of me shutting down my emotions after so many years of rejection.
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 21, 2018 17:56:31 GMT -5
I typically handle my business daily, sometimes more, sometimes less if there are certain factors like an early work day or I don't feel well. I assume I would want sex just as much with someone who enjoyed sex. One thing that I will never understand is people who use daily stress as a way to get out of sex. Obviously there are bad situations where you won't feel like it, but overall, I would love to have sex as a decompressing option.
As far as the feeling between sex and masturbation, to me it's about the same. When you have sex so rarely, it loses it's intimacy (at least with your refuser), it compromises the fun, and to be perfectly honest, after 14 years of a sexless marriage, masturbation is more fun. So I guess I would require less sex from my refuser. Maybe 2-3 times a week.
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 20, 2018 11:56:15 GMT -5
I heard recently that post-sex depression is a real condition for many people who have regular sex. If it's a real condition for normal marriages, how magnified is it for us ILIASM sufferers? Jan, June, and Oct. Those were my sex months for 2018 (I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's done for the year), and after each time we had sex I felt this wave of depression. Not a feeling of, hey, I'm mellow cause I just got laid! A feeling of, well, that's it for months. And maybe also, I waited 4 months for unimaginative, boring, half-hearted sex? I realize that I may require mind-blowing, fantasy-indulged sex to compensate for the terrible reality that comes immediately after (and sometimes during) sex with my wife. I even touched on that during our last "talk". I told her that even if our sex lives were normal, I wish we could spice things up a bit. I think that's why so many marriages, even ones that aren't sexless, become stale. I reminded her of my fantasies that she never attempts to fulfill or suggest, and asked why she never comes to me with fantasies of her own. She replied she has no fantasies, and that while she isn't necessarily against mine, she doesn't want to engage in them "every time" we have sex. EVERY TIME? We have sex 3 fucking times a year, so when am I supposed to ask about my fantasies?? It's not like I can think, oh, sure...let's just have a quickie this time, and we'll really go at it next time in....5 months from now. Anyway, I'm wondering if any of you feel that anti-afterglow following a rare sexual encounter.
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 20, 2018 11:27:07 GMT -5
Question for today- I’ve read a lot lately about kissing and how it is the first casualty in a long term relationship. Why do you think that is? If you had the opportunity to kiss again, how would you make sure you kept it in your relationship long term? I have no answers for this one. It’s been so long since I’ve been truly and thoroughly kissed that I’d rather sit this one out and see what the rest of you think. My wife doesn't kiss me passionately unless it's during sex. It's always the quick lip kiss going to work and sometimes before bed, and even that is pretty rare these days. I'd have to go back 14 years or so since I engaged in a passionate, wet kiss with her that didn't involve sex. I'm sure I miss it, and I'm sure I don't realize how much.
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 20, 2018 11:18:35 GMT -5
The drive to have sex with my wife is very low at this point. Years of a sexless marriage has left me with so much frustration and resentment, that it's all I can think of on the rare occasion that we have sex. That, when we have sex, in the back of my mind I'm thinking, better enjoy this one, pal...who knows how many months until next time. That kind of messes with you to the point you afraid to get off because you want it to last as long as possible. But as far as my drive, it's still very high. I have to resolve my own issues pretty much daily. If only someone would have told me that one day I would have more fun with my hand than I would with the woman I said vows to....if only. If I could go back in time 14 years ago, I'd punch myself right in the face. I know exactly what you mean. Every sexual encounter was a struggle for me to make it last as long as possible because I never knew how long I would have to wait for the next one. Sometimes the resentment over living like that would even mess with my ability to finish at all. My drive is high also. I have to handle me business daily too. I no longer expect anything from her anymore. I quit initiating because, as DryCreek put it with his lab rat analogy: I had been zapped too many times for trying to get the cheese. The pain of getting "zapped" isn't worth the cheese anymore. Now the fear of getting zapped prevents me from trying. All sexual encounters are initiated by my W now. We had sex back in the first weekend of December. Before that it was a 3 months since the last time. It was nice and I didn't have the resentment, because I expect nothing from her. Lack of expectations has helped me focus on reality. Our marriage is doomed. It will end. Not as soon as I want, but sooner than she expects. Sex in marriage is supposed to be an expectation. If there is no expectation of sex, to me there is no marriage. I feel ya there. The three times my wife has allowed me to have sex this year were three encounters that left me feeling worse afterwards. Because my performance was hampered by the fact I knew this would be it for months, and because there was nothing outstanding or memorable about the encounters. It was this feeling like, I waited and suffered 5 months...for that? Talk about insult to injury. Zero expectations. Zero.
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 19, 2018 19:52:27 GMT -5
Does anyone think it's possible for a typically very high sex drive person to just stop caring if she gets it anymore? I'm starting to notice I don't think about or ever crave sex as much as I used to. Can't help but think I'm shutting down a bit because, I guess, why bother? Wanting it is only going to be an unmet desire. So, shut down, go numb, and stop thinking about it. Can your drive just lessen or go away? I don't even break out my toy near as much as I used to either. Seems so strange to me. Thoughts? The drive to have sex with my wife is very low at this point. Years of a sexless marriage has left me with so much frustration and resentment, that it's all I can think of on the rare occasion that we have sex. That, when we have sex, in the back of my mind I'm thinking, better enjoy this one, pal...who knows how many months until next time. That kind of messes with you to the point you afraid to get off because you want it to last as long as possible. But as far as my drive, it's still very high. I have to resolve my own issues pretty much daily. If only someone would have told me that one day I would have more fun with my hand than I would with the woman I said vows to....if only. If I could go back in time 14 years ago, I'd punch myself right in the face.
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