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Post by guywithoutsex on Dec 28, 2018 11:49:10 GMT -5
Here’s my story...sorry if it’s a bit of a ramble. My W and I have sex about one every month or two (closer to 2 months) and I ALWAYS have to initiate. We’ve recently had some pretty big fights about it. I try to be intimate, foreplay, but she won’t partake or whines about it. “Just stick it in” is all I get. God forbid I try to touch her, I get pushed away.
We talked about our issues in the bedroom and she claims she has no drive anymore. She said she’s going to talk to her doctor about it. We’re both around 40 and it has been this way for 3-4 years. We have young kids (5, 9), so I know that can get in the way, but I’m tired of begging for it and the fact when it happens, it’s “hump and run”.
Am I asking for too much or expecting too much? Not sure what to do.
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Post by flashjohn on Dec 28, 2018 12:07:30 GMT -5
I think she definitely needs to go to the doctor to rule out any physical issues. Hopefully, this is something that can be resolved.
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 28, 2018 12:52:20 GMT -5
Here’s my story...sorry if it’s a bit of a ramble. My W and I have sex about one every month or two (closer to 2 months) and I ALWAYS have to initiate. We’ve recently had some pretty big fights about it. I try to be intimate, foreplay, but she won’t partake or whines about it. “Just stick it in” is all I get. God forbid I try to touch her, I get pushed away. We talked about our issues in the bedroom and she claims she has no drive anymore. She said she’s going to talk to her doctor about it. We’re both around 40 and it has been this way for 3-4 years. We have young kids (5, 9), so I know that can get in the way, but I’m tired of begging for it and the fact when it happens, it’s “hump and run”. Am I asking for too much or expecting too much? Not sure what to do. You aren't overreacting anytime your needs are not being met. I guess without knowing much backstory, it's hard to give an opinion, but at least she has stated she will go see a doctor (now see if she follows through with that). How was her drive before the last 3-4 years? Before the kids? Is there lots of stress in the household?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2018 13:22:25 GMT -5
Here’s my story...sorry if it’s a bit of a ramble. My W and I have sex about one every month or two (closer to 2 months) and I ALWAYS have to initiate. We’ve recently had some pretty big fights about it. I try to be intimate, foreplay, but she won’t partake or whines about it. “Just stick it in” is all I get. God forbid I try to touch her, I get pushed away. We talked about our issues in the bedroom and she claims she has no drive anymore. She said she’s going to talk to her doctor about it. We’re both around 40 and it has been this way for 3-4 years. We have young kids (5, 9), so I know that can get in the way, but I’m tired of begging for it and the fact when it happens, it’s “hump and run”. Am I asking for too much or expecting too much? Not sure what to do. I feel your pain. I am always the one initiating and flirting and sexting those sexy pics trying to engage my husband. After a while I just stopped because it wasn't reciprocated or appreciated, and most of the time he would just laugh and say something like, "that's my horny wife" and walk away. Always being the one to ask makes me feel pathetic and if he does, in fact, oblige, then it feels just that, obligatory and cold, like pity sex. When we do have sex, it's as you said, "hump and run". I'm starving for real physical affection and love. As was said, we all have needs that need to be met. All you can do is continue to state the issue and try to address it with your wife. Hopefully in time she will come around. As also was said, not knowing the whole backside, it's hard to state more. Regardless, I've found much support on this forum and hopefully you will, too.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 28, 2018 14:07:41 GMT -5
"Here’s my story...sorry if it’s a bit of a ramble. My W and I have sex about one every month or two (closer to 2 months) and I ALWAYS have to initiate. We’ve recently had some pretty big fights about it. I try to be intimate, foreplay, but she won’t partake or whines about it. “Just stick it in” is all I get. God forbid I try to touch her, I get pushed away. :
I'm sorry, but your wife's actions indicate she is not sexually attracted to you. She just wants sex over. This may or may not mean that she's gay or asexual or low libidio, If it's a hormonal issue, her going to the doctor could hep but if she did -- as some people do -- marry a person that she's not sexually attracted to -- there's nothing you or she can do. And some people -- men as well as women -- do marry someone whom they are not attracted to. That could be because the person has other qualities that the person thinks are important for a marital partner such as being pleasing to the person's family or being financially responsible or being a potentially good parent.
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Post by baza on Dec 28, 2018 16:54:56 GMT -5
I'd invite you to put your marriage - all of it - under the microscope Brother guywithoutsex . Invariably in these situations, the sex is a symptom, not the diagnosis. What else is going on in your deal ?
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Post by guywithoutsex on Dec 28, 2018 19:01:30 GMT -5
Thanks for all the replies. I’ll do my best to provide as much detail as I can in response to some of the comments. I’m really not one to open up about things like this, but I’m at my whits end, so hoping others in similar situations can help.
We’ve been married for 11 years and together for 14. We have two kids, but she was pregnant 5 times, 2 miscarriages before the first and 1 before the second. Essentially she was pregnant for 5 of the first 6 years we were married. After our second she went on anti-anxiety/depression medication and I followed suit shortly after. Over the years she has put on weight but I still find her attractive. Since we’ve been together, I was the biggest I ever was but have lost nearly 70 pounds. I don’t think there is a problem with being attracted to each other - her “just stick it in” is mostly because she only wants intercourse, only on bottom, no other foreplay. Once a year I get oral (birthday), and try to give it way more often but just get pushed away...she only likes penetration.
We operate on somewhat different sleep schedules, I’m early to bed and early to rise (I go to the gym first thing in the morning). She is more of a night owl and not a morning person. So we don’t often go to bed at the same time, which may be one of the problems. She works from home full-time while I go into an office most days. I mention this because she is very comfortable in leggings and a shirt whereas I am usually dressed up (corporate attire). I’m know there is a confidence issue of her not feeling sexy or attractive. We don’t do date nights very often because of kids schedules and we really enjoy doing things with the kids. When we do go out it is usually a group or couple dinner and we’re home relatively early as neither of us are big drinkers so bars aren’t our thing anymore.
Pre-kids, our sex life was average, we’ve never been a multiple times/day couple. Every other day was our regular, but it has been so long I can’t remember how long that even lasted. She has never really been into anything like lingerie or other outfits and the sex has been pretty “normal”, no toys or different locations - just pretty “typical” stuff.
We don’t have financial or kid issues, we are compatible in most things. Nothing that is a true breaking point. I’m a huge jokester and constantly dance around her naked to try and get her to take action. Saying all this makes me think I’m overreacting and this is normal, but I want to have more fun in the bedroom. When we do have sex, it about her one want - just penetration, nothing more. I’m left feeling like it was almost pity sex - “let’s do it so you stop asking”. Yes we both enjoy that part, but I’d like more.
Now I feel like I’m just complaining and its not as bad as I think. Anybody else in the same boat?
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Post by flounder on Dec 28, 2018 19:17:51 GMT -5
Thanks for all the replies. I’ll do my best to provide as much detail as I can in response to some of the comments. I’m really not one to open up about things like this, but I’m at my whits end, so hoping others in similar situations can help. We’ve been married for 11 years and together for 14. We have two kids, but she was pregnant 5 times, 2 miscarriages before the first and 1 before the second. Essentially she was pregnant for 5 of the first 6 years we were married. After our second she went on anti-anxiety/depression medication and I followed suit shortly after. Over the years she has put on weight but I still find her attractive. Since we’ve been together, I was the biggest I ever was but have lost nearly 70 pounds. I don’t think there is a problem with being attracted to each other - her “just stick it in” is mostly because she only wants intercourse, only on bottom, no other foreplay. Once a year I get oral (birthday), and try to give it way more often but just get pushed away...she only likes penetration. We operate on somewhat different sleep schedules, I’m early to bed and early to rise (I go to the gym first thing in the morning). She is more of a night owl and not a morning person. So we don’t often go to bed at the same time, which may be one of the problems. She works from home full-time while I go into an office most days. I mention this because she is very comfortable in leggings and a shirt whereas I am usually dressed up (corporate attire). I’m know there is a confidence issue of her not feeling sexy or attractive. We don’t do date nights very often because of kids schedules and we really enjoy doing things with the kids. When we do go out it is usually a group or couple dinner and we’re home relatively early as neither of us are big drinkers so bars aren’t our thing anymore. Pre-kids, our sex life was average, we’ve never been a multiple times/day couple. Every other day was our regular, but it has been so long I can’t remember how long that even lasted. She has never really been into anything like lingerie or other outfits and the sex has been pretty “normal”, no toys or different locations - just pretty “typical” stuff. We don’t have financial or kid issues, we are compatible in most things. Nothing that is a true breaking point. I’m a huge jokester and constantly dance around her naked to try and get her to take action. Saying all this makes me think I’m overreacting and this is normal, but I want to have more fun in the bedroom. When we do have sex, it about her one want - just penetration, nothing more. I’m left feeling like it was almost pity sex - “let’s do it so you stop asking”. Yes we both enjoy that part, but I’d like more. Now I feel like I’m just complaining and its not as bad as I think. Anybody else in the same boat? Your story is identical to mine. Minus the miscarriages. So sorry you all had to experience that. Other than that,the same as my situation. Oh,and minus the sex every 2 months. That would be an uptick in frequency for me.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 28, 2018 19:44:45 GMT -5
I hope she will talk to her psychiatrist about her low libido because it could be related to the antidepressant. I suggest a psychiatrist not another doctor because psychiatrists have the most training in prescribing antidepressants. There are antidepressants that don’t affect libido.
I can imagine that she also is exhausted after so many pregnamcies, miscarriages and taking care of young children. That in itself could lower her libido especially if she has had no time for herself to rest and emotionally heal from her miscarriages, something that results in more grief than most people realize.
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Post by baza on Dec 28, 2018 19:56:15 GMT -5
It reads like you are looking for the 'magic bullet' fix here Brother guywithoutsex . A fix that delivers "more fun in the bedroom", but does NOT require a very serious discussion, and most certainly does NOT involve putting the marriage on the line. A "risk free" fix. I'm writing from a basis of 9 years membership of this group and its' predecessor, and in that time I've not seen a risk free fix take place. Every ILIASM situation that gets resolved here (by 'turnaround' or more commonly by divorce) requires you to undertake risk. So usually, it comes down to how risk averse you are. If you are taking a position that - "it's not as bad as (you) think" that is a perfectly legitimate position to take, and it is pretty much risk free....but it is unlikely to produce a resolution of the situation.
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Post by darktippedrose on Dec 31, 2018 16:52:14 GMT -5
Thanks for all the replies. I’ll do my best to provide as much detail as I can in response to some of the comments. I’m really not one to open up about things like this, but I’m at my whits end, so hoping others in similar situations can help. We’ve been married for 11 years and together for 14. We have two kids, but she was pregnant 5 times, 2 miscarriages before the first and 1 before the second. Essentially she was pregnant for 5 of the first 6 years we were married. After our second she went on anti-anxiety/depression medication and I followed suit shortly after. Over the years she has put on weight but I still find her attractive. Since we’ve been together, I was the biggest I ever was but have lost nearly 70 pounds. I don’t think there is a problem with being attracted to each other - her “just stick it in” is mostly because she only wants intercourse, only on bottom, no other foreplay. Once a year I get oral (birthday), and try to give it way more often but just get pushed away...she only likes penetration. We operate on somewhat different sleep schedules, I’m early to bed and early to rise (I go to the gym first thing in the morning). She is more of a night owl and not a morning person. So we don’t often go to bed at the same time, which may be one of the problems. She works from home full-time while I go into an office most days. I mention this because she is very comfortable in leggings and a shirt whereas I am usually dressed up (corporate attire). I’m know there is a confidence issue of her not feeling sexy or attractive. We don’t do date nights very often because of kids schedules and we really enjoy doing things with the kids. When we do go out it is usually a group or couple dinner and we’re home relatively early as neither of us are big drinkers so bars aren’t our thing anymore. Pre-kids, our sex life was average, we’ve never been a multiple times/day couple. Every other day was our regular, but it has been so long I can’t remember how long that even lasted. She has never really been into anything like lingerie or other outfits and the sex has been pretty “normal”, no toys or different locations - just pretty “typical” stuff. We don’t have financial or kid issues, we are compatible in most things. Nothing that is a true breaking point. I’m a huge jokester and constantly dance around her naked to try and get her to take action. Saying all this makes me think I’m overreacting and this is normal, but I want to have more fun in the bedroom. When we do have sex, it about her one want - just penetration, nothing more. I’m left feeling like it was almost pity sex - “let’s do it so you stop asking”. Yes we both enjoy that part, but I’d like more. Now I feel like I’m just complaining and its not as bad as I think. Anybody else in the same boat? My husband is like your wife. He hates foreplay. I haven't actually had sex since I was 29 and I'll be turning 35 in February. But before that, he'd just squeeze a boob, stab me with his fingers 2x and then shove it in. I hated it. I don't think that this is coming from someone who likes sex, or wants sex with you. And I'm pretty dubious that she's going to actually make or go to that doctor's appointment.
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Jan 17, 2019 18:17:06 GMT -5
From my experience on here and in my own life i would suggest that your wife's sexual issues are not medical. Indeed more probable is the theory that for whatever reason she holds some sort of resentment towards you amongst other issues she is not being honest about. I am in a similiar boat. Have sex about once a month (not by my choice) then get told to hurry up etc. I recently read a message my wife wrote to a girlfriend of hers. It basically said i would have left frustrated a long time ago if i had somewhere stay and could afford to live our current life on my income alone. Hence to say reading that hurt. However i have known the deal for a while now and wasn't devastated by this revelation.
I suggest you conduct an honest appraisal of your deal and how you choose to live with it.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 17, 2019 21:54:10 GMT -5
I recently read a message my wife wrote to a girlfriend of hers. It basically said i would have left frustrated a long time ago if i had somewhere stay and could afford to live our current life on my income alone. Hence to say reading that hurt. However i have known the deal for a while now and wasn't devastated by this revelation. I suggest you conduct an honest appraisal of your deal and how you choose to live with it. Frustrated1978 I’m sorry for being so blunt but the above begs the question: Have YOU conducted an honest appraisal of your deal and how you choose to live with it?? It is hard for me to see someone who has received confirmation beyond a shadow of a doubt that their spouse doesn’t want to be married to them (but stays to use you for money/home/lifestyle). Many members here talk about how they suspect that may be the case with their spouse but you have received that confirmation from her in her own words. And that does not “devastate” you. Why not? Don’t you deserve more? Doesn’t everyone? The poet Mary Oliver died today. She was the one who asked: “what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”. I personally think that’s a good question for all of us to ask ourselves.
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Jan 17, 2019 22:07:56 GMT -5
This question was answered many years ago. I make a concious decision to stay knowing the deal. I have young children that are high profile Sport Athletes among other complicated issues. I am fully aware of my situation.
What i am trying to express is it is okay to stay or choose whatever cause of action you want as long as you are honest to yourself and fully aware of the realities of your situation. I am fully aware of mine.
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