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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 22, 2017 22:07:50 GMT -5
Not me. My sex drive, although only being tended to by myself, daily, is the only thing keeping me from diving off a bridge smiling. Reducing my sex drive would leave me with less pleasure, little as masturbation may provide, and really just leave me with bills and a job I hate. No kids, though, so what else is there?
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 6, 2017 21:35:58 GMT -5
It's possible you were just duped. In my case sex was fine, my drive was accepted, and fantasies were discussed. It was literally a light switch after marriage.
Do they play along just to have their family? But how do they expect to keep that family by ignoring our needs?
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 5, 2017 13:23:38 GMT -5
I went 5 months this year without, and then when I finally caved in and basically begged for it, I got one of the worst sexual episodes of my life. It was the kind of sex that makes you literally angry you missed the pleasure of just doing it yourself. It's nothing you are doing wrong, and they WANT it to feel awkward. It's their hope that it'll be so awkward that you won't bother them for it again. I dont know why that hadnt occured to me.... makes so much sense. For now it worked until im desperate again... I hear that. My last pathetic encounter was so bad I should be able to go a couple more months without even wanting sex (from her). Wow...that sounds really sad when I type that out loud. Anyway, sorry you find yourself in a situation that brought you here, but I'm glad you found some support. It does help to know you aren't alone.
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 5, 2017 11:52:42 GMT -5
I layed in bed a good 3 hours last nicght contemplating if i had the balls do basically go beg for sex and possibly be denied or if it would jist be easier to handle business myself. Almost 3 months of no sex and only 2 times in the last 8... i basically felt mad. So i did it, i went and initiated and god yall it was horrible. He basically just took what he wanted and went to bed. I didnt even get close. Im so over it. I tried asking if we could slow things out and make out a bit, he obliged but i swear it just felt like he was going throigh the motions. What am i doing wrong, why is it so awkward. Ive always thought of myself as a really sexual person and last night i felt like it was my first time. I honestly dont think i can keep doing this. I went 5 months this year without, and then when I finally caved in and basically begged for it, I got one of the worst sexual episodes of my life. It was the kind of sex that makes you literally angry you missed the pleasure of just doing it yourself. It's nothing you are doing wrong, and they WANT it to feel awkward. It's their hope that it'll be so awkward that you won't bother them for it again.
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Post by deadzone75 on Aug 25, 2017 22:42:05 GMT -5
The only thing worse than not having sex is finally having sex and knowing they are just going through the motions...likely just wishing it were over so they could do something else, so they won't feel guilty for another 3 months or so. Personally, I realized I enjoy taking care of my own business over "duty sex", if you can call once every 5-6 months "duty sex". At least I know I mean it, as pathetic as that is.
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 22, 2017 14:56:19 GMT -5
I am in a similar situation. My spouse is loving and supportive, brags about me to co-workers, and likes to pretend that everything is fine in public (holding hands, etc--which is probably because she knows I am looking). But our SM has always been a shithole to me, from day one. Refusing sex or intimacy is a form of abuse, no matter if they are aware of it or not. Mentally, physically. It's been so long at this point, I totally understand the awkwardness you speak of. Even if she wanted sex right now, it would be no more intimate (for me) than if I were looking at porn. I can't even say the word "sex" around her without feeling weird. How lame is that? Damn, that's awful. I sometimes feel it would be easier if he was a jerk to me. But instead I have everyone telling me how amazing my husband is, and the truth is I live him very much. But I have been deluding myself into thinking he will ever really want to be intimate. The really unfortunate part is that he is not willing to satisfy you. If it was a medical issue, for example, he owes you and explanation, as well as putting forth an effort to please you in other ways. Have you ever known him to enjoy pornography? Just wondering if this was gradual, or has it always been this way?
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 22, 2017 14:39:25 GMT -5
I am in a similar situation. My spouse is loving and supportive, brags about me to co-workers, and likes to pretend that everything is fine in public (holding hands, etc--which is probably because she knows I am looking). But our SM has always been a shithole to me, from day one. Refusing sex or intimacy is a form of abuse, no matter if they are aware of it or not. Mentally, physically. It's been so long at this point, I totally understand the awkwardness you speak of. Even if she wanted sex right now, it would be no more intimate (for me) than if I were looking at porn.
I can't even say the word "sex" around her without feeling weird. How lame is that?
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 22, 2017 11:25:42 GMT -5
I'm on the same level DZ75. Going and paying for a "professional" to convince my W to want to be intimate and have sex isn't the same as her wanting it for herself or for me for that matter. My issue is I need to get a handle on my performance. I know I come out the gates to fast. It's been so long for me that if put in a situation where I could go ham with a friend with benefits, I'd be so nervous about letting loose to soon that I probably wouldn't get a rematch. I'm more in between the acceptance and anger phases of dealing with my SM. It sucks, it just plan sucks. If you do have to outsource, just explain it's been a very long time. Believe me, if I found myself lucky enough to get laid right now, I'd be fumbling around like I was 15 again, trying to hurry and find my favorite page of the JCPenny lingerie section before I blew it (literally).
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 22, 2017 11:20:29 GMT -5
I was born and raised in Dallas! I just returned from a visit to my mother. I'm happy to be reunited with Whataburger! They didn't have them in Washington State.
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 19, 2017 1:53:07 GMT -5
My anniversary is coming up at the end of month and I'm already depressed about it. It will be 17 years of marriage, 14 completely sexless. We'll go for a nice for a nice dinner, that I'll do all the planning for. He will complain about something that wasn't to his liking and will end up pissing me off and we'll end up in a fight. I don't know why I even bother anymore. I'm very curious to know how you have survived 14 sexless years. I think even I would have snapped.
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 18, 2017 12:33:46 GMT -5
Happy Anniversary to me! You know, I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would today. Sure I would have liked at least a blowjob, or even just a handjob since we survived 12 years, but nothing came close to intimacy. She pulled one of her old tricks to make sure I didn't try anything funny: she didn't shower today because she was too "lazy on her day off". But, I took myself shopping on Amazon and bought myself something nice for putting up with this stupid shit for 12 years. And ended the night as I always do, spending time with my trusty member, who never lets me down. I'm looking to another Anniversary: my one year mark since my last mediocre sex experience with the W. Coming up in August! Seriously....is a handjob too much to ask for your Anniversary? Really? Really hoping you didn't buy her a card.... A card AND present. It wasn't much, but it was at least worth a handjob.
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 17, 2017 14:43:44 GMT -5
Hi, merrygoround,
I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. One thing for certain: don't ever feel like you've "went on too long" in a post! When most of us open the flood gates of emotion, I'm sure we could write novels!
seabr33z3 is right; he wants to control the situation so that it will forever "look good on paper". That is one gigantic reason...ONLY reason why controlling individuals won't go to therapy. Bad exposure.
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 17, 2017 8:37:45 GMT -5
Not showering as a trick to keep you away? Jeez that's horrible. What a nasty technique. Glad you at least did something for yourself - just take care of you. I'm sorry for this, i really am. Thank you. Yeah, she always reminds me of a puffer fish, with a strong defense against a husband who comes sniffing too close. I don't try anymore, but back in the day, she had a million tricks to avoid sex.
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 17, 2017 1:04:17 GMT -5
Happy Anniversary to me! You know, I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would today. Sure I would have liked at least a blowjob, or even just a handjob since we survived 12 years, but nothing came close to intimacy. She pulled one of her old tricks to make sure I didn't try anything funny: she didn't shower today because she was too "lazy on her day off".
But, I took myself shopping on Amazon and bought myself something nice for putting up with this stupid shit for 12 years. And ended the night as I always do, spending time with my trusty member, who never lets me down.
I'm looking to another Anniversary: my one year mark since my last mediocre sex experience with the W. Coming up in August!
Seriously....is a handjob too much to ask for your Anniversary? Really?
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 8, 2017 13:22:29 GMT -5
deadzone75 First things first, you are not old. Geez, I'm a bit older than you and have come to realize that age is truly irrelevant when it comes to your heart's desire. Just a guess, but, if you decide that it's impossible to grab onto your own life and live it, then, you'll stay put, maybe make it to 55 before imploding in some way. Negative self-talk is enormously detrimental to your precious psyche. If you take a step back, focus on how you want your life to look - this ain't it. A good first step would be to work on that inner dialogue. Maybe with a shrink, maybe on your own but if you can catch yourself when you start thinking negatively about yourself and about your situation (two very different, separate "things"), replace the negative thoughts with positive affirmations ("I'm worthy, I'm good, I'm strong" for example)- it takes a relatively short period of time to retrain your brain - but it can be done. It will happen - takes some work though. Positive self-talk (I.e., improving one's self-image) is crucial to even begin an optimistic thought process about yourself and your life. You can't "get" or ever expect to live the life you want if your subconscious continues to sabotage. I actually caught myself today thinking negative and stopped myself. I do appreciate yours and all of the posts from the community. I really am not a social person (in other words, I have no friends), so this site really does help. It's unfortunate we are all here, but it's good being around others who get it.
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