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Post by beachguy on Jul 17, 2018 16:17:11 GMT -5
Please read No More Mr Nice Guy. Free internet download. It was written just for you and you will know that before you are 10 pages in.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 17, 2018 15:37:11 GMT -5
ballofconfusion - very well said and it puts the lie to the excuse of CSA discovered late in life, as it always seems to be. And as I just said, they have the same burden of deciding to stay or leave that they force on their partners.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 17, 2018 15:18:03 GMT -5
My ex was blindsided by the divorce. They have to be blindsided... if you do it right you never threaten divorce so that you never shred your cred, as baza likes to say. Result - blindsided when you finally drop the bomb and you're dead serious. "But but but... stutter stutter ... you never TOLD me how unhappy you were!" (bullshit but whatever) If, instead, you constantly threaten the marriage, you will shred your cred. Result - spouse will ignore you, until you drop the bomb. Then they are "blindsided". "But but but... stutter stutter ... you told me numerous times you were so unhappy, you wanted a divorce. But nothing ever came of it so I never took you seriously..." As long as spouses stick their heads in the sand and/or simply refuse to address your needs, they will eventually be blindsided no matter what you do.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 17, 2018 15:06:24 GMT -5
My experience is similar except I think my ex made it up in part or in whole. As far as the link I'm a bit partial to the author š The most over the top CSA story I've read (it was another SM venue): "He told me that he thinks he was sexually abused as a child but has absolutely no recollection of it" There's a whole 3rd rail here that is never touched...
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Post by beachguy on Jul 17, 2018 15:00:37 GMT -5
There is a completely different twist to this argument of cruelty vs cruelty. It was cruel for choosinghappy 's husband to consign her to a sexless marriage. And I suspect that was not made clear to her before she committed to the relationship. And the standard advice here is that if you can't live with that, then leave. Perhaps it can be argued that her attempts to change or "fix" her husband amounted to cruelty (*). If her H did indeed feel that her attempts amounted to cruelty, then he too had the same option to leave the relationship. And the same burden to make that choice that the refused has. This sword cuts both ways. * - I'm not even going there, and it is irrelevant to my point here. As the awesome baza often says in these cases, both parties have their own shit to unpack. Part of choosinghappy 's H's shit unpacking is making that stay or leave decision. And of course the same is true of all CSA cases.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 16, 2018 8:18:39 GMT -5
I get the reasoning behind what you're saying, but I don't think we can truly understand a refuser, just as they seem incapable of understanding us. I think most of the time there isn't all that much thought behind it because they aren't missing anything. How can you understand something you can't seem to feel at all? I actually think it would be valuable to have more refuser types post here, if only for more possible understanding. ihadalove, Refusers are very easy to understand. Their thinking is very simple. The hard part is accepting what they are thinking. There are places on the Internet where refusers can be found in abundance and you can engage them all you want. Iāve done that. Thatās why Iām convinced the only solution is to leave. Because when pressed to justify enforcing celibacy on their partners, their answer always devolves into āif you donāt like it just leaveā.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 15, 2018 19:43:39 GMT -5
choosinghappyI'm divorced and announced it publicly on Facebook to over 1000+ "friends". I kind of wondered why nobody asked me out yet. A good friend of mine pulled me aside and told me "there is a six month rule in this town". So that's that. The early bird gets the worm. Let us know how soon that social moratorium ends. Besides, itās a divorce not a funeral.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 15, 2018 1:49:27 GMT -5
The amount of mindfuckery you are getting borders on evil.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 14, 2018 9:07:31 GMT -5
61. Out at 58
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Post by beachguy on Jul 13, 2018 21:26:19 GMT -5
Great end to a great story!
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Post by beachguy on Jul 13, 2018 21:14:10 GMT -5
As far as I'm concerned, only Touch and Quality Time are anything I care about. My spouse probably doesn't even know what she wants, so anything would be just a guess on my part. Gun to my head, she'd probably be all about the Acts of Service, given a conversation we had during a marriage counseling session months ago. It came out that she considers me "lazy" because I pay to have things like the yard and household maintenance done instead of doing them myself. Something that has really stuck in her craw for years is that when she asked for help regarding domestic chores, I hired a housekeeping service to come in two or three times a week. Apparently this was some kind of mortal insult in that I brought in someone else, which made her feel inadequate or something. I guess I was supposed to want to help her and do it myself, not hire it out. There's probably some kind of parallel with sex and adultery in there, but down that black hole of stupidity lies madness. The crazy thing is that "lazy" is probably one of the last words anyone who knows me would use to describe me. The unwritten 6th love language. Acts of Servitude. For fucks sake. Youāre a surgeon not a grocery store clerk.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 13, 2018 15:30:19 GMT -5
Well, you got farther than I did. My stbx was adamantly opposed to sexting. In fact, she was not even receptive to selfies. But, in the end, it is five of one, half a dozen of the other. It's almost the same. Nothing. Nothing from the wife, anyway. That "nothing" is pretty honest and more revealing than any naughty pic. At least she is honest with you, unlike ihadalove's wife. I stopped bothering before the cellphone (smartphone?) age but I'm pretty sure my STBX would have not reacted well to a sext. That much I have to give her credit for. She was consistent in her refusal.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 13, 2018 12:50:05 GMT -5
At some point I hope you come to an understanding that sheās not oblivious. Why she engages in this past time that, for most people ended early in High School is beyond comprehension.
Sorry if Iām too blunt but just reading this annoys me and Iāve read this story too many times before.
ETA: I could make an argument that this is gaslighting since it is driving you insane and making you question reality.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 13, 2018 10:32:26 GMT -5
If, in a moment of great vulnerability, your partner disclosed that she was never sexually attracted to you, but married you for other reasons, such as your ability to provide, then you would never hold that against her, or ever bring it up again?Ā (I'm trying to separate theory from reality here) In a more practical example, sharing personal weaknesses. āIām terrified of Xā, or āThis personal trait is horribly embarrassing to meā, or āI have this horrible life experience thatās shaped who I amā. Things you wouldnāt tell anyone because they could be used to hurt you badly. But you share with this person because a) itās important for them to understand why you are who you are, and b) because you trust them to use that info for good not evil - to help you and protect you, never to fuck with you. So there are boundaries to that... I think my example was practical although it rarely happens because āemotional vulnerabilityā has its limits, on both sides.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 13, 2018 9:43:58 GMT -5
āBut that is not necessarily true. Someone could view the Touch love language as totally non-sexual. They may perceive it as holding hands, cuddling, and the like- but never sex.ā True. This is what the Love Languages author says in the book. northstarmom , this is probably true, and I also get the similar point by beachguy My idea was more that if I naturally do Touch because thatās how I express myself... if that happens to be a primary language for her, then my giving of Touch is meaningful to her as the recipient. Itās a natural fit; it all works effortlessly. However, if I got a positive reaction when I did X, that alone would inspire me to do X for her, even if it wasnāt something that naturally occurred to me. So, I see that the ābe multilingualā suggestions can work if the motivations are sincere. Personally, Iāve lived in a broken dynamic where the motivations are mechanical, so I see ātranslationā as a forced behavior. I might do X because itās meaningful to her, and she might similarly do Y for me. But when the heart isnāt in the giving, the actions ring hollow and donāt really carry any value. I donāt want reciprocity or obligation to be the motivation for giving what I need. Although motivations are independent of Love Languages, it seems a very easy trap to fall into when your partner speaks a different language and translation has to be deliberate. It also seems much easier to fall into neglect. Bottom line... Iām not saying translation canāt work, but things can be so much more natural if you have the same languages to start with. Is it possible that your feelings on this are adversely affected by your many years in an SM, where your wife has refused to return your love language (and sex), and your marriage is well into it's toxic death spiral? Just asking, not suggesting anything.
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