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Post by beachguy on Jul 25, 2018 22:30:58 GMT -5
I have no idea how many left but I do know that 100.0% of those that left successfully ended their SM. Verses well under 1% that didn't leave. Just a statistical observation. I used to be an accountant but I'm better now.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 25, 2018 22:24:39 GMT -5
I've said it a lot. When a couple talks about the issues surrounding sex instead of having sex, it's pretty doomed. Sorry. Now that's quotable
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Post by beachguy on Jul 25, 2018 18:34:56 GMT -5
The politically correct AVEN definition: "Those who may be sexually attracted to others under certain circumstances" The real definition: "I will Bait N Switch you into a marriage, and then leave you high and dry" Citation: I married one.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 25, 2018 18:25:06 GMT -5
This is far better than your father's funeral. I'm sure he never treated you that way. Congratulations on starting your path out of the Hell your psycho ex tried to put you in. But in the end she failed. And eventually your sons will learn the TRUTH.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 25, 2018 12:22:37 GMT -5
I have a strong sense that people with secure attachment styles and a libido leave sexless relationships before the first sexless year is out.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 25, 2018 11:21:13 GMT -5
thefire24 , your wife is showing pure contempt for you and your needs. That is one of Gottman's Four Horsemen... Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling. You may recognize any or all the other three. ETA: what you described is very arguably all four Horsemen... the contempt is just the most obvious to me. Google that. It is an eye opener and he explains it much better than I can. But it is the end of a relationship. Few if any come back from that.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 25, 2018 11:14:41 GMT -5
Nice to see someone not mindlessly demanding that people remain in toxic relationships just for the sake of remaining in a relationship.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 25, 2018 11:05:47 GMT -5
@shynjdude - I seriously doubt your 4-5% estimate. Based on 4 years now reading various SM venues. One of the reasons it is so low is that very few people are truly willing to put their marriage on the line. TL2 strongly implied here that his turnaround miraculously coincided with his decision to walk if nothing improved. Same with h . You don't have to give a fuck me or else ultimatum (which may not be a good idea anyway). The important thing is that you have a mindset that you are truly (no bullshit, no mental masturbation) prepared to imminently walk. That mindset will not go unnoticed by your refuser, and it will change how you deal with your refuser. Usually their heels are dug in so deep with their validation to enforce celibacy that it doesn't matter. But on rare occasions it works. I've seen very few even claimed recoveries that did not involve a strong resolve to leave. And one person's claimed recovery is more often than not another person's duty sex. So when you look for and count recoveries you have to vet them very carefully.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 24, 2018 19:16:09 GMT -5
"A man should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, and die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." — Robert Heinlein All that but he doesn’t need to satisfy his woman? “I’m too tired dear, I ....... today”
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Post by beachguy on Jul 24, 2018 11:28:59 GMT -5
Having read thousands of stories elsewhere on the net, I know of 3 claimed successes that were more than drive by shootings in a thread somewhere.
One was a miraculous recovery, after a 20 year DB that started on the wedding night (she was a virgin). The fact that she turned around and now initiates every night for almost 5 years now is amazing. The fact that he got past his resentments is equally amazing. I figure that perfect storm is 1:1,000,000. Or thereabouts.
He announced intent to divorce and she turned around a few weeks later, while they were planning the divorce. He was deadly serious about the divorce and had no plans for reconciliation. She insisted that the reason for the divorce (SM) remain a secret between them. He refused.
She then started seducing him every night. And has been ever since. When asked why she turned around, she told him that she was too embarrassed to let her very sex positive mother know she fucked her marriage because she wouldn't fuck her husband. Yes, she would rather fuck her husband then let her mother know the truth. Tales from the strange side...
ETA: for clarity, she was one of the rare cases where the idea that the more sex you have the more you want actually worked. I guess it works 1:1,000,000 cases? Cynical me and all... but she apparently is very into sex, it is not duty sex, and it is the only case where that happened that I found to be credible and well documented.
The other 2 are getting duty sex once a week, and have brainwashed themselves into believing that they are happy. One wife told him she has never sexually desired him, or anyone else, ever. But apparently she usually puts in a decent performance. But not always. She also needs to watch lesbian porn in order to get off.
I have seen other less well documented stories, all along the lines of "be careful what you wish for" because it all ended with more duty sex then they were getting before. Nothing more.
Although I respect the idea of the canary in the coal mine, the fact is that a lot of people just don't like sex, or never liked sex with you, and never will. In the USA alone, there are millions of gays in the closet. An unknown number bearded in marriage. There are 3-10,000,000 full blown asexuals. There are unknown numbers of other sexually dysfunctional people totally out of control of the refused, such as Madonna-Whore Syndrome. There are people that are hopelessly intimacy averse (now better known as insecure avoidant personalities). Sometimes the canary dies because it never lived, it was just an illusion, pretending to be alive to secure a suitable cage to die in.
ETA: All 3 of these cases involved putting the marriage on the line, apparently with very credible threats of divorce. One of the last two cases, they separated, still are separated, and plan to remain separated for the foreseeable future. They only see each other on weekends, and usually, but not always have sex then. I'm not even sure I would call that a "recovery"?
ETA2: In the first story, the 20 year DB that turned around, he is still struggling with resentment and talks about it frequently. And this is almost 5 years after the turnaround. It is an object lesson in the (negative) power of resentment. And he is a far better man then me, and a better man then most men.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 24, 2018 11:03:19 GMT -5
My wife and I had our 30th anniversary this year. The entire day passed without even saying "Happy Anniversary" "I Love You" or even a damn "Thank You" No hugs exchanged, no kisses exchanged, no cards exchanged, no gifts exchanged, no planned date.
Didn't need much more confirmation after that.
Did you plagiarize my story? I did that first!
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Post by beachguy on Jul 23, 2018 19:24:04 GMT -5
Lots of kids grow up to be just like mom or dad, per gender. Kids in abusive homes develop all sorts of psych issues, like intimacy aversion. So they grow up just like mom and dad. I believe this has all been discussed here before. I married a woman that came from an abusive home. Worst decision of my life. I would never again get involved with a woman that had a traumatic background like that. I know I'll step on some toes saying that, because I'm sure there are some here that had that life, but once you've lived it, you never want to do that again. There are two sides to staying for the kids. If you decide to stay for the kids, learn all you can about kids growing up in homes similar to yours, including the abuse and the sexlessness and lovelessness. Learn about the likely psychological impacts. Then make an informed decision.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 23, 2018 10:49:58 GMT -5
I figure that at least ups your odds of success from 0% to 0.001%. Yeah, that's about right. Puts all the plotting and scheming into perspective.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 20, 2018 12:41:28 GMT -5
"Kids are the biggest reason, but maybe there's a part of me that still wants a relationship with her."
Your wife blatantly prostituted herself to you while your son was sitting right next to her. I assume your son heard that, and he also watched you take that kick in the balls, and your wife get away with it without any repercussions.
One of two things will happen. He may grow up, seeing you and his mother for what they are, and disrespecting you for it. Or he may accept what he saw as normal married life, and he will find his own gold digging prostitute for himself. And put up with it just like you demonstrated to him.
I'm not sure which is worse for you, but the former is far better for him.
If it had been me, I would have turned to her and said "no, that's not what I wanted. If I wanted a prostitute I can easily find a far better one". And stood up and walked out of the room while her jaw was still dropping.
I may be accused of "unnecessarily hurting her", or some such psycho babble, but it was she that chose to make a bid (or non bid) for prostitution services right in front of her son. There's no easy answer for a child in that environment but personally I would err on the side of showing my son how to show some backbone if he is ever faced with that (which he will because he'll most likely find a gold digger just like mom).
ETA:
"I think she may have thought it was a nice thing to say at the time, a sort out reiteration of a promise."
This is truly hopeless...
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Post by beachguy on Jul 19, 2018 20:35:17 GMT -5
Not entirely true Brother rejected101 . Brother timeforliving2 has a credible case of his deal doing a 180. He was a reasonably regular contributor to the group, but I haven't seen him around since about January this year. But you need to take that in context. There are 1,088 members here. Brother timeforliving2 represents 00.09% I used to be an accountant too, but I’m better now Lol
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