There must be some good in the marriage that made you stay, despite the obvious bad - dead bedroom. Is the good more than the bad? Will you accept it if you’re nvr gonna have sex again? Like never ever, like when sex fades into a distant memory, and becomes mushy and uncertain and the more you try to think abt it, the more hazy it all feels. Are you willing to live like that until you die?
What’s so good abt staying here in the dead bedroom? Is it so that you can stay close to ur kids? So u can smile and watch them play, watch them grow, be their protector, calm them when they cry during nightmares? Do you try to convince urself ur screaming spouse isn’t all that bad, that he/she actually gives u happiness most of the time? Have u accepted this version of urself as ur best self?
And do u still have lingering feelings for ur spouse, r u still reminiscing the good old days, do u still look at the photos and dream abt the happy times, and rmb the “through sickness and health” vow that u made? Did u believe u can get through thick n thin with ur spouse? Do u still think u can?
Do u feel a moral duty to stay, do think this is a medical condition / inborn propensity for ur spouse to not-like sex, and do u think that’s just who he/she is, and do u find it difficult to blame him/her?
Whatever is the reason u’re staying, it’s probably tearing u apart from inside. Every day you’re stuck in indicision, you walk closer to death, and nothing changed. And do you know what’s the moral story of this? Do you learn a valuable lesson from life and grow stronger. Or is this just meaningless suffering that sapps all ur life force, then u die?
Post by northstarmom on Jul 22, 2018 10:30:17 GMT -5
I'm curious about what you think, NIcky, as you asked the question. I always appreciate hearing the person who asked the question answer it first.
When I stayed it was because the good far outweighed the bad. My husband was not verbally or physically abusive. He treated me with respect. We were colleagues for 13 years, and worked well together. He was a good father to our kids. We coparented well. We had similar goals and values. We had fun together as a family. We were well respected and admired as a family and as a couple. I was sorry that sex was so infrequent. Even during some of our best years of marriage, we went up to 5 years with absolutely no sex.
It was after our last child left the nest that I felt how empty our relationship was with no sex and with no kids to parent. My husband and I had grown apart in interests. I also had grown more into myself -- becoming more emotionally expressive and gregarious. It literally was not fun to be around my husband any more. I was happier doing things with friends or by myself than I was doing things with him. By the time we divorced, we'd gone 8 straight years with no sex at all. However, lack of sex wasn't the reason for our split. Our marriage felt like dry dust: that was the reason for our split.
Post by northstarmom on Jul 22, 2018 11:00:43 GMT -5
"My answer is simple. Yes and no to all the questions i posted. That’s why i feel so conflicted and fxxked up, and staying up to post again tnite instead of sleeping.
but maybe someone else has a better understanding to life, and is happy to share the resoning behind."
I have posted why I stayed. However, if my spouse had been abusive like yours is, I would have left in a heartbeat, moved heaven and earth to keep him away from the kids, and I would not have wasted time hoping for change. He would no longer be an object of love or lust for me. Someone who treats me like dirt does not deserve my love. I believe that when it comes to abusive behavior: When someone shows you who they are, get out!
I am curious about why you think your wife's abusive behavior is acceptable and tolerable.
Post by northstarmom on Jul 22, 2018 17:16:47 GMT -5
You say your wife's abusive behavior is tolerable because of "my kids." You have never posted anything here that indicates you realize how traumatizing it must be for your kids to be raised by a woman with such a horrible temper, who is verbally and physically abusive to you and is verbally abusive to your maid. You also are in denial that as bad as your wife's behavior is toward you and the maids, her behavior is very likely even worse toward your children. If she can't control herself around adults -- people who ar likely to be in control of themselves and not acting out like tired, toddler or frustrated kids do -- why would you think she can control herself toward your children.
You keep clinging to the coward's way out -- staying, walking on eggshells, denying her abusiveness, instead of documenting her abusive behavior and moving heaven and earth to find a lawyer who will get you out of the marriage with custody. Your wife is dangerous and the people most at risk from her are your children.
You also could be seeking family counseling to try to address her behavior. While joint counseling is not the effective in changing abusers' behavior, family counseling or couples counseling could help you get evidence that would allow you to get full custody.
Info on how men can document abuse: "A few weeks ago, a domestic violence case in Florida made headlines when a man - an army ranger - came forward with evidence that his estranged wife had physically abused him. His proof? Video from a Go Pro camera he was wearing that allegedly showed his wife physically assaulting him in front of their children. The two have been engaged in a bitter divorce and custody battle, and now domestic violence has been added to the mix. The wife in this matter has been charged and is currently in jail.
You don’t need video evidence before the police will take you seriously. Start keeping a log of all instances of abusive actions taken by your partner, and be as specific as possible with dates, places, times, what happened, and the names of any witnesses. Carefully document any cuts, bruises or other injuries, taking photos whenever possible and seeking medical care as needed. If you feel unsafe having this information in your home, ask a trusted friend or family member to keep it in a secure place in their home. In the event you call the police, or someone else calls 911 to report an incident, producing this kind of evidence can be a powerful tool to clarify the situation for the police. Yes, female abusers may falsely claim that they were only fighting back in self-defense, or in a same-sex relationship, the other male partner may claim it was a mutual argument that got out of hand. The police understand these kinds of tactics and are trained to do their job to assess the incident and take the correct action. You can help them by being up front with what has been happening in your relationship." www.huffingtonpost.com/bari-zell-weinberger-esq/its-time-to-acknowledge-m_b_8292976.html
Warning signs of abuse
"What Are the "Warning Signs" of an Abuser? Red flags and warning signs of an abuser include but are not limited to:
Extreme jealousy Possessiveness Unpredictability A bad temper Cruelty to animals Verbal abuse Extremely controlling behavior Antiquated beliefs about roles of women and men in relationships Forced sex or disregard of their partner's unwillingness to have sex Sabotage of birth control methods or refusal to honor agreed upon methods Blaming the victim for anything bad that happens Sabotage or obstruction of the victim's ability to work or attend school Controls all the finances Abuse of other family members, children or pets Accusations of the victim flirting with others or having an affair Control of what the victim wears and how they act Demeaning the victim either privately or publicly Embarrassment or humiliation of the victim in front of others" ncadv.org/signs-of-abuse
You can adopt the philosophy of "life's a bitch and then you die" if you so choose Brother nicky . That is a perfectly valid choice.
You might also consider that you have a wider responsibility here, and that adopting the "life's a bitch and then you die" view condemns your kids to the same path as you are choosing...and they didn't get a vote.
There will be a price for adopting the "life's a bitch and then you die" view. If it was just *you* paying that price now and in the future, then I'd figure that is your business. Your choice. Your consequence.
But here, it may well be the kids that are going to pay the price in the future. Your son, following your example by selecting a volatile life partner prone to angry outbursts and abuse. Your daughter, following mums example of abusive behaviour toward her life partner as an adult. And on to the next generation it goes.
Post by catsloveme on Jul 22, 2018 18:25:55 GMT -5
northstarmom and baza, it was flounder who answered “my kids” to nicky’s question, not Nicky. The last two posts seemed to be directed to Nicky, so I wanted to point that out. (But they are educational and useful for us all. Thank you NSM for posting the warning signs of abuse. Some of these are subtle and can be written off. Your post is a good reminder.)
I think we all search for reasons to stay, to not throw away something that once was good, to not walk away unless we have to. In my mind, the abuse that is happening in nicky’s home is a clear signal what the course of action should be. But that doesn’t make it easy.
Last Edit: Jul 22, 2018 20:34:47 GMT -5 by catsloveme: Correct a typo
Lots of kids grow up to be just like mom or dad, per gender. Kids in abusive homes develop all sorts of psych issues, like intimacy aversion. So they grow up just like mom and dad. I believe this has all been discussed here before.
I married a woman that came from an abusive home. Worst decision of my life. I would never again get involved with a woman that had a traumatic background like that. I know I'll step on some toes saying that, because I'm sure there are some here that had that life, but once you've lived it, you never want to do that again.
There are two sides to staying for the kids. If you decide to stay for the kids, learn all you can about kids growing up in homes similar to yours, including the abuse and the sexlessness and lovelessness. Learn about the likely psychological impacts. Then make an informed decision.
Post by choosinghappy on Jul 26, 2018 6:16:58 GMT -5
My kid is a major reason why I decided to leave. He’ll already have enough challenges in his life, I don’t need to add to it by never giving him the opportunity to see what a good relationship is supposed to be like.
However, I will have almost full custody. I’d imagine that would make a huge difference in my deciding factor if I were on the other side of the coin and I rarely got to see him due to a divorce.
Things are not always as black and white as we wish they could be.
I feel compelled to answer your question about “Will you accept it if you are never going to have sex again”?
This is my answer and has always been and will always be my answer:
I will NEVER accept never having sex again and no other human being is going to decide what to do with my sexuality.
If I came down with a disease and I physically couldn’t anymore then I would accept it but my spouse is not going to control my sexuality and since he isn’t interested in my sexuality then my sexuality is none of his business.
In a sick sort of way I am thankful for the celibacy that was enforced on me because if Mr Bballgirl had been having lousy sex with me once a month then I would have compromised, stayed faithful, and never met the incredible lover I have now. And while I don’t get to have sex whenever I want, whenever we see each other we make the most of it.
Again I only spoke to the the one question you asked, but it was the one I felt strongest about. As far as good times outweighing the bad - I was married for 23 years and overall the good did outweigh the bad, we are best friends and have a lot in common just not sex, and that is why we aren’t married because marriage includes sex.
solodriver: Happy Birthday shamwow!!
Oct 11, 2018 20:35:02 GMT -5
shynjdude: Andie seems to have deleted her account here. Hope she's OK.
Oct 12, 2018 9:41:52 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: Oh, no! I hope she is okay...
Oct 12, 2018 15:31:30 GMT -5
solodriver: Maybe over what happened last weekend with the discussion board men vs. women
Oct 12, 2018 20:42:13 GMT -5
jetcity: Had to have my cat put down today. He was very old and he let us know it was time this morning. My wife went to visit her mother today So now It’s just me, the cats and dog and a couple cold beers. Now that’s a party right?
Oct 12, 2018 21:57:32 GMT -5
solodriver: So sorry jetcity, I've done that many times over the years, never gets any easier.
Oct 12, 2018 22:45:20 GMT -5
jetcity: I managed to create an avatar! The beard and mustache are kind of funky though.
Oct 12, 2018 23:30:07 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: Welcome, dontstart! Feel free to post in the introduction thread; not many people see/use the shout box. Read and explore here, and hope you find us a helpful community.
Oct 14, 2018 10:41:21 GMT -5
caballotierra: Hey all, I setup a new account since my W figured out my login and was using my posts against me. Since we're going through divorce, I thought it would be safer to remove my old name. Although I feel attached to it.
Oct 15, 2018 16:12:30 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: Oh, wow. Sorry that happened to you!
Oct 15, 2018 16:36:32 GMT -5
caballotierra: Does anyone know how to delete my old account? Right now, it's still searchable, which is a problem.
Oct 16, 2018 12:12:19 GMT -5