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Post by beachguy on Jul 19, 2018 18:46:48 GMT -5
@workingonitnow, you do not have to be smarter than him. You do not need to be a better debater. This is not the Harvard Debating Team finals.
All you need is the courage of your convictions. You are making a decision and sticking with it. You do not need his validation or permission to end the marriage. All you need is to file. You do not need to justify it beyond 9 years of total celibacy.
When you have the courage of your convictions you will stop the useless debating and Just.Do.It. You will tell the therapist it is all over- all the efforts to fix things are over. You will tell the therapist that the only help you need or want is to navigate the divorce as best possible for the sake of the children. If your therapist demands that you validate your decision to leave, beyond 9 years of celibacy, fire her and find a new one.
I wish you luck building the courage of conviction that will get you out of this, and out of the surreal fantasy world of your H. He is truly a nutcase.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 19, 2018 17:02:31 GMT -5
Wedding day Bait N Switch. Went from twice a week to once a month overnight. Sex once on two week fantasy destination honeymoon. I’ve been out for several years. Never got a coherent WHY. In the end I was told “I had reasons but I’ll never tell you”. So much for closure after supporting her for over 30 years... I didn't bother asking. Didn't really care what the lie would have been. Just happy to be out and not be asking why anymore. Interestingly the convo where that came up was instigated by her after I announced it was over. She insisted on arguing/justifying herself. I would have been happy to exit without the big last argument. But if you insist....
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Post by beachguy on Jul 19, 2018 15:36:59 GMT -5
I’ve been out for several years. Never got a coherent WHY. In the end I was told “I had reasons but I’ll never tell you”. So much for closure after supporting her for over 30 years... WTF?! Yeah I get that a lot when I tell this mini story. She was “different”. Even in the context of SM refuser psychos.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 19, 2018 15:35:12 GMT -5
Congratulations Lonelywifey (no more)!!!
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Post by beachguy on Jul 19, 2018 15:32:39 GMT -5
Wedding day Bait N Switch. Went from twice a week to once a month overnight. Sex once on two week fantasy destination honeymoon.
I’ve been out for several years. Never got a coherent WHY. In the end I was told “I had reasons but I’ll never tell you”. So much for closure after supporting her for over 30 years...
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Post by beachguy on Jul 19, 2018 8:23:34 GMT -5
Getting some stones is the first step toward a resolution. Learn to be better at saying No than she ever was.
And stop asking for sex you never get. If she initiates turn her down but be prepared for a volcanic reaction when she loses that control over you. Don’t back down once you go down that path.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 18, 2018 21:57:15 GMT -5
Every time I offer one -- and I am, by the way, excellent at it -- and he says "no thank you," I think of the men in this forum and I want to scream, "Do you know what some men out there would give to be gifted my skills??!!!" Such a waste :/ That’s just defective
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Post by beachguy on Jul 18, 2018 21:14:38 GMT -5
You should. It’s good for the soul. Living in an isolation chamber will eventually destroy you. It made me a bit sick to my stomach after but it passed. Then, like others who've shared their encounters here, I felt anger that something so simple and good for the soul as you put it was denied me for so long. And then sadness that I can't be with the one I love so I gotta love the one I'm with. Sigh. Just sigh. You’re going through a process.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 18, 2018 19:50:44 GMT -5
The important lesson here: If you don’t get out of your SM you can look forward to your kids and a nurse telling you who you can or can’t fuck...
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Post by beachguy on Jul 18, 2018 18:53:55 GMT -5
I made out with a fella briefly a few weeks ago. Holy moly! Nice after a couple of years of nothing but chaste, tight mouth kisses. I might do it again! 😁 You should. It’s good for the soul. Living in an isolation chamber will eventually destroy you.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 18, 2018 14:25:51 GMT -5
workingonit - check out "covert narcissism". See if anything sticks.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 18, 2018 2:17:45 GMT -5
In fact your attempt to communicate your way through this has only resulted in her formally codifying the sexless marriage and establishing that she will do nothing on her end to fix it.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 17, 2018 20:08:55 GMT -5
shamwow you repeated something in this thread that really stuck with me the first time you mentioned it when you learned of my situation: “Is it fair to ask you to pay the penance for someone else’s sins?” That was such a good point and I revisited that thought many times over the past year as I was trying to decide what to do. I am a very compassionate person and for years that compassion for my H won out. But at some point I had to decide that even though YES, what happened to my H was awful and unfair to him, that does not mean that I don’t still have to right to save my own self from the effects of it. I paid 30 years penance for the sins of my STBX’s psycho mother. I don’t recommend it.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 17, 2018 17:12:43 GMT -5
I think you would be surprised at the reaction if a refused came in with that story ending in a quick decision to divorce.
And we are not talking about “typical” refused that leave their SMs quickly. They never learn about the CSA. Why obfuscate the discussion?
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Post by beachguy on Jul 17, 2018 16:53:51 GMT -5
northstarmom - nice idea but hopelessly idealistic. This is what you are suggesting... After many years of a sexless marriage, the refuser suddenly discovers his CSA. The refused now says "oh, it's childhood sex abuse. That's a total deal breaker. And files for divorce the following week. Try that out for size in the real world and see how it flies... Personally I think you are right but in the real world that is NEVER done, and it probably could never be done without the refused taking a shit load of criticism from everyone she knows. And really the same can be applied to all sorts of childhood abuse that results in the wiring of the refuser, most of which is painful for the refuser to process and has similarly little documented hope for therapy success.
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