Post by choosinghappy on Jun 22, 2018 10:44:49 GMT -5
Yesterday morning H and I had "The Talk".
It was almost a month ahead of my timeline but, as the saying goes: "Write your goals in pen and your plans in pencil".
It was good. We amicably decided that separating would be the best decision and also the best thing for our son as H agreed that we are not modeling a good marriage for him. We also agreed that if we do it soon our 3 year old son won't know any different since my H (or, I guess: STBX) travels for work so often.
The convo started innocuously: I told him I was upset about his uncaring reaction to an injury I sustained and told him it felt to me that he just reacted with frustration about how he would be effected, not with concern about my wellbeing. And he agreed. He DID feel frustrated, he WAS feeling uncaring towards me. So we talked about it. And everything came out; all the unspoken shit that we had been keeping to ourselves, just trying to get through the day-to-day.
It was emotional on both our parts. But I realized that some of that flood of emotion for me was actually just RELIEF. Relief that I could finally say (most of) what I needed to say and not keep it bottled up any longer, and relief that he and I are on the same page. HE was actually the first one to suggest separating. Works for me! Lol.
We both agreed that our son is the most important thing and we both want to work together to keep on good terms for all of our sakes.
H is traveling for work this upcoming week but when he returns he will be moving into an apartment. I will keep the house for now but the plan is to put it on the market and then for me to find a smaller place for me and the kiddo.
So far it's gone shockingly smoothly, albeit pretty emotional on both our parts (but especially his). I've had many months to mull this over, decide, and plan but it's pretty new for him. He admitted that he had been thinking about it off and on too but also didn't expect for the convo yesterday to go in that direction. He's honestly a bit of a crying mess right now because I think the reality of the situation is hitting him and he's sad that he won't see our son as much and also, he's scared about being alone. I feel bad for him. He also has ZERO support network because over the years as he was pushing me away and only focusing on work, he was doing the same to all his family and friends too. He truly is losing everything through losing us. It's hard to witness but I'm glad to find that I don't feel guilt about it or an obligation to stay. I worked hard the last 6 months on getting myself to a place mentally where I knew I would be okay to walk away and I'm finding that (so far), my work on myself has been effective. Thanks in big part to this forum!
So you may notice that I have not actually mentioned the word "divorce" yet. (Yes, this novel is still continuing...)
We talked about it, and in our talks about the future and how everything will shake out, we are both operating as though it is inevitable that we will end up divorcing. But I can tell he is not ready for that yet. "Separating" feels safer and less scary to him right now and that is okay with me for the time being. I know he needs time to digest it all and figure his shit out and I don't desire hurting him or making things any harder for him than they have to be. It seems we both know that it will end in divorce though.
So at the moment, I don't think things could be going any better than they are and I am very grateful for that. Hopefully the amicable nature of our discussions thus far will stick and, though it's all gonna suck, we'll get through it in one piece -- especially our son.
In regards to discussion about sex, intimacy, and affection:
(Some background for those who don't know: our lack of sex was mainly due to his childhood sexual abuse [CSA] causing trauma for him every time we were intimate. Almost exactly one year ago he admitted to me that he just cannot do touch, either sexual or non-sexual, and so all intimacy and affection has completely ceased since then. Before that, it had been 3 years sexless with consistent rejections by him until he admitted through couples therapy that he is asexual and that he thought the cause of it was the CSA.)
So as far as THIS conversation went, we didn't really even discuss the lack of sex and affection much. He knows it's been hard for me, he knows where I stand. He's been in intensive therapy for a year now and nothing at all has changed. So I let him off the hook. I didn't complain about it or blame him, I just stated that I can't live like this anymore, I need sex and intimacy in my life and after a full year I have come to terms with the fact that he will never be that person for me again. I told him I'm proud of him that he's still in therapy and I hope he continues (he has some major anxiety issues related to the CSA that negatively effect his life, even outside of the marriage) but that I don't think it's realistic for either of us to think that he will ever WANT sex in his life and basically, I don't want him to feel that pressure any longer. He didn't argue, just listened, and then we moved on. I take his silence on the matter as confirmation that my thoughts are correct and he's not going to try to fight for that. Ok. It's time for me to move on then.
So...sort of best case scenario at this point! We'll see how it all goes and I'll use this thread to update but in the meantime: It's happening!
Hoo-fucking-rah. I'm ready.
It was almost a month ahead of my timeline but, as the saying goes: "Write your goals in pen and your plans in pencil".
It was good. We amicably decided that separating would be the best decision and also the best thing for our son as H agreed that we are not modeling a good marriage for him. We also agreed that if we do it soon our 3 year old son won't know any different since my H (or, I guess: STBX) travels for work so often.
The convo started innocuously: I told him I was upset about his uncaring reaction to an injury I sustained and told him it felt to me that he just reacted with frustration about how he would be effected, not with concern about my wellbeing. And he agreed. He DID feel frustrated, he WAS feeling uncaring towards me. So we talked about it. And everything came out; all the unspoken shit that we had been keeping to ourselves, just trying to get through the day-to-day.
It was emotional on both our parts. But I realized that some of that flood of emotion for me was actually just RELIEF. Relief that I could finally say (most of) what I needed to say and not keep it bottled up any longer, and relief that he and I are on the same page. HE was actually the first one to suggest separating. Works for me! Lol.
We both agreed that our son is the most important thing and we both want to work together to keep on good terms for all of our sakes.
H is traveling for work this upcoming week but when he returns he will be moving into an apartment. I will keep the house for now but the plan is to put it on the market and then for me to find a smaller place for me and the kiddo.
So far it's gone shockingly smoothly, albeit pretty emotional on both our parts (but especially his). I've had many months to mull this over, decide, and plan but it's pretty new for him. He admitted that he had been thinking about it off and on too but also didn't expect for the convo yesterday to go in that direction. He's honestly a bit of a crying mess right now because I think the reality of the situation is hitting him and he's sad that he won't see our son as much and also, he's scared about being alone. I feel bad for him. He also has ZERO support network because over the years as he was pushing me away and only focusing on work, he was doing the same to all his family and friends too. He truly is losing everything through losing us. It's hard to witness but I'm glad to find that I don't feel guilt about it or an obligation to stay. I worked hard the last 6 months on getting myself to a place mentally where I knew I would be okay to walk away and I'm finding that (so far), my work on myself has been effective. Thanks in big part to this forum!
So you may notice that I have not actually mentioned the word "divorce" yet. (Yes, this novel is still continuing...)
We talked about it, and in our talks about the future and how everything will shake out, we are both operating as though it is inevitable that we will end up divorcing. But I can tell he is not ready for that yet. "Separating" feels safer and less scary to him right now and that is okay with me for the time being. I know he needs time to digest it all and figure his shit out and I don't desire hurting him or making things any harder for him than they have to be. It seems we both know that it will end in divorce though.
So at the moment, I don't think things could be going any better than they are and I am very grateful for that. Hopefully the amicable nature of our discussions thus far will stick and, though it's all gonna suck, we'll get through it in one piece -- especially our son.
In regards to discussion about sex, intimacy, and affection:
(Some background for those who don't know: our lack of sex was mainly due to his childhood sexual abuse [CSA] causing trauma for him every time we were intimate. Almost exactly one year ago he admitted to me that he just cannot do touch, either sexual or non-sexual, and so all intimacy and affection has completely ceased since then. Before that, it had been 3 years sexless with consistent rejections by him until he admitted through couples therapy that he is asexual and that he thought the cause of it was the CSA.)
So as far as THIS conversation went, we didn't really even discuss the lack of sex and affection much. He knows it's been hard for me, he knows where I stand. He's been in intensive therapy for a year now and nothing at all has changed. So I let him off the hook. I didn't complain about it or blame him, I just stated that I can't live like this anymore, I need sex and intimacy in my life and after a full year I have come to terms with the fact that he will never be that person for me again. I told him I'm proud of him that he's still in therapy and I hope he continues (he has some major anxiety issues related to the CSA that negatively effect his life, even outside of the marriage) but that I don't think it's realistic for either of us to think that he will ever WANT sex in his life and basically, I don't want him to feel that pressure any longer. He didn't argue, just listened, and then we moved on. I take his silence on the matter as confirmation that my thoughts are correct and he's not going to try to fight for that. Ok. It's time for me to move on then.
So...sort of best case scenario at this point! We'll see how it all goes and I'll use this thread to update but in the meantime: It's happening!
Hoo-fucking-rah. I'm ready.