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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 0:19:33 GMT -5
Thank you for those words catsloveme. You are so kind to share those words of encouragement with me. I'm going to try to memorize them so I can push out the word "creepy".
Sadly, that word will always hurt when I hear or see it. Maybe someday it won't.
I would like to lovingly suggest that you hold on to that word. Use it as a learning experience. Use it as a " I will NEVER allow anyone to speak like that to me again,it's not true, she is nothing but a manipulative, controlling ,self absorbed bitch. She has issues and problems, (which she will NEVER admit to) and starting today they are no longer my concern, or worries as I detach myself and find my own joy. I deserve to be desired and respected" There are several actions, words and sentences that where my tipping points. it's helpful to occasionally reflect back on them and now realize what red flags they were, and that I need to not tolerate such mental abuse ever again as I continue to press forward. You continue to take the high road, be glad you are not like her, and continue to gather strength from this forum and don't let 'pride' get in your way as you form a support network of men and woman in your community! You can do this, and you will help others in the process. Thank you for your encouraging words. I'm going to take them to heart as I go through the next few days and months. I let her get to me in a way I didn't think she could. It made me also realize I'm still vulnerable to her arrows of insults and I need to put more protection around my feelings and heart with her.
Wow I have to say, I never saw it coming and didn't expect it to get to me as much as it did. I'm mad at myself because I should have expected it and shouldn't have let her hurt me that way. I know what some guys would call me for letting it happen.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 0:13:13 GMT -5
Fuck the bitch. Get your shit together to call the lawyer Monday morning. I felt that way when I left the house after this happened and I had to talk myself down from it, because I can't afford to divorce until I'm able to put money into my savings account after I pay off some bills, but, there will be a divorce coming next year. I'm trying not to shoot myself by loosing my cool and doing it before I'm ready for my own benefit.
But, there is no relationship left between us. I think she realized what happened and since I came back home she's been quietly trying to make small talk. My only response has been yes or no. All I hear in my head is how I "creeped" her out. That is all I'm going to remember about her. It has entirely erased any sliver of good feelings I had for her and any good memories that I had have now been erased by the word "creeped"
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Post by solodriver on Aug 25, 2018 23:21:50 GMT -5
solodriver , I’m so sorry for the hurt your wife inflicted on you. Remember that it is just *her* opinion. Though I know that probably doesn’t lessen the sting. I can share a little of my experience, though, and maybe it will be helpful. I have a husband who is not insulting, just completely apparently indifferent. I could do a striptease in front of him and he would not respond. For years this made me feel terrible. My self esteem took a huge hit. I ate and drank my feelings, putting on weight. I have a mama’s body, with stretch marks and curves and lumps... Maybe my husband doesn’t find it attractive. But I had an AP who did. And I also had a friend who did. Not just in spite of my flaws, but because of them. He liked me for me—including all of my imperfections and wasn’t afraid to tell me so. It was a big boost to my self esteem and confidence. And it inspired me to do a lot of reading about body image issues and to study people’s bodies (discretely, of course). We are all uniquely made—and beautiful and handsome in our own ways. I pray that very soon you will meet someone who restores your self confidence, who offers a little balm for the pain your wife inflicted on you this morning. (Also, fwiw, what your wife said was cruel. I would have a few choice words for someone who said that to me. I too applaud your restraint. And wish I could give you a hug.) Thank you for those words catsloveme. You are so kind to share those words of encouragement with me. I'm going to try to memorize them so I can push out the word "creepy".
Sadly, that word will always hurt when I hear or see it. Maybe someday it won't.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 25, 2018 23:16:47 GMT -5
Funny,
I just went into the kitchen to get a snack. I found some donuts. I heard "creepy" in my mind. I just threw them in the trash can.
Going to be a long, sad night.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 25, 2018 23:09:48 GMT -5
I have empathy. About 8 years ago, my refuser husband walked into the bedroom while I was changing. He said, "Excuse me, " and walked out. That's when I decided to move out of the bedroom. Then, we hadn't had sex in about 5 years. Two years later, I filed for divorce. Given that I was 60 and had been with the same man for 36 years and he obviously didn't find me attractive, I didn't have hopes of ever finding sex or love again. But about a year later, I was in a relationship with a man who -- the first time we made love told me that he loved my body. Five years later, his eyes still light up when I undress. He happily stares at me when I take my close off. I'm 67. I have 2 c-section scars, a slightly damaged hand due to an accident, and I'm 20 years heavier than when I started dating my ex, but those don't matter to my lover. While there is no guarantee that if you let to or your SM, it is very likely that if you let go of it, you won't be hurt and insulted the way your wife just treated you. Thank you for those kind words. Tears were flowing as I read your response.
This will definitely take me some time to get over.
She REALLY HURT me. I can't look at myself in a very good light right now.
I'm very sad right now. I will have all day tomorrow to try to get it out of my system somewhat so I can go to work and function Monday morning. Good thing my co-workers haven't seen me naked, lol
Damn!
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Post by solodriver on Aug 25, 2018 23:05:06 GMT -5
That is just fucked up. I cannot imagine someone saying something like that to a spouse. I give you credit for remaining calm. I would have replied with "Fuck You!" And then went downhill from there. Funny you say that because that was the first thing that came into my mind. But I'm glad I didn't say it. It wouldn't have helped the situation.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 25, 2018 22:39:54 GMT -5
After working in the yard and running some errands this morning, I decided I needed to take a shower this afternoon to clean up and be able to stand myself (lol).
When I got out of the shower and dried off, I went into my room to find some underwear. Apparently they never made it from the dryer basket to the drawer when the wife took them out. So I went into her room, of course naked, looking through the clothes basket for them.
She was watching TV. As I was searching through the clothes basket, she asked "What are you doing?" I said I was looking for my underwear. She said "Could you please hurry up" I asked why?
She told me, her husband of 30 years, "Your naked butt is creeping me out!" I felt like I had just been kicked in my balls. I turned around to face her and said "EXCUSE ME?"
She said "Please hurry up and get out of here!"
I stood in front of her with my naked body in her face for about 30 more seconds and then I turned back to the clothes basket, found my underwear and left. As soon as I got dressed I had to go do some grocery shopping and I immediately left without saying another word to her. My heart was pounding and tears were coming out involuntarily as I drove to the store. I had to sit in the car for a few minutes and pull myself back together before going in to get the grocery shopping done. As I was shopping I keep looking at the women wondering which of them would tell their husband or lover such a thing.
The thing that helped me cool off was they very nice woman who checked me out. She smiled and was friendly to me and was helpful with getting the groceries into the cart. I have to admit I noticed her loose top and admired her and her smile and friendliness took the sting away of what happened earlier at home. I went home much calmer than I did when I got there.
My wife really HURT me. That to me was the ULTIMATE rejection. She has not seen me naked for a very long time because I always dress and undress in the other bedroom. So this was the first time in at least 5 years that she has seen me naked.
This definitely has caused me to not have ANY desire left to work on our marriage. I now feel ugly when I'm in her presence. She has judged my naked body as one not worth seeing and to use her word "creepy".
I know that my body has a few "issues", a scar from a emergency surgery almost 20 years ago, a few more skin bumps and some weight that I've put on, but certainty not "gross" I don't think.
I guess my self esteem has taken a serious hit and maybe I will never be able to appeal to anyone again. I will work on trying to get the weight off, but maybe it won't be enough.
I know one thing for sure. She will never have to feel "creepy" around me again.
I have a feeling I will be involuntarily crying myself to sleep tonight, especially when I remember how she loved seeing me naked the first time over 30 years ago when she gave me oral sex totally uninhibited.
Maybe there really isn't any hope for romance and love again in my future, but I'm sure as hell not staying with my refuser wife after next summer. I would be better by myself than with her especially with my "creepy" body.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 25, 2018 21:39:56 GMT -5
solodriver -I feel your pain. I’m right there with you. I’m sorry that my “baby steps” phrase resonated so badly with you. It’s interesting- I don’t think I’d accept that phrase from my partner either after all these years of no intimacy or affection. The whole thing is just so sad. I know that leaving is my best option- just getting there is proving very difficult. Please share your journey- perhaps we can support one another. Thank you sadkat, that would be wonderful.
My updates will be posted under "My Status".
Thanks for the kind words.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 25, 2018 21:20:34 GMT -5
sadkat
Hugs and know I'm cheering for you.
I'm doing the very same thing. For me it's baby steps because I have to take care of paying off/down bills so I can afford to pay for the things I will need when I get divorced.
It's funny because back in July I tried to have one last "warning" talk with my wife regarding how very unhappy and disconnected we were and how something has to change. I made several suggestions, all of which were rejected. Finally I asked what do you want to do?
She said she needed to take "baby steps".
That's not good enough for me, so I initiated my Divorce Countdown Clock, which continues to tick away. I felt very insulted and hurt by her statement after 30 years of marriage that she needed "baby steps" I don't want to waste any more time on it. I need love, sex, affection and she is NOT going to provide it for me so, therefore I'm leaving in the hopes of a much better, happier and sexual life.
Unfortunately I have to wait until next summer as I'm getting many bills paid down or off. This may be the hardest part of the whole thing because I have to grit my teeth and bear it day to day and not blow up on her and act prematurely and shoot myself in the foot before I'm ready. Plus I'm so lonely and need to feel the love, warmth, touch and sharing of sex with someone else so bad.
Maybe someday.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 24, 2018 20:47:16 GMT -5
This forum probably saved my life. Because of the people whom I've met on here, I now have hope for a future that I wouldn't have had if not for the people whom I truly call my friends, examples and mentors on here. I cherish all the people whom I've become friends with here. This forum is my refuge from the chaos that I live day-by-day in my SM. I feel compassion and caring from the many friends I have here. I truly started feeling a sense of loss a few weeks ago when the board went down for about a week and was very worried it may not come back. Again I want to thank the Admins for their diligent hard work to bring us all back together. I have to say that this forum has come to mean the world to me. I hope someday to be able to meet in person, some of the many friends I've met on here and tell them in person how much I cherish their input on this forum.
Lost Soul you are right about one thing. You can't relate to us because you have not been living the hell that we have. My parents gave me a plaque whern I was a kid that I kept on my wall until I left home and it would apply here.
"Don't judge a person until you walked a mile in his shoes."
I believe that we here have worn our "souls" out in our SMs. As such, we deserve that respect!
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Post by solodriver on Aug 22, 2018 8:04:20 GMT -5
JMX I've gone through your struggle.
But, like you said, life is getting shorter each passing day.
I want to spend it with someone who wants to love and be loved and not with someone who doesn't want those things.
As soon as some financial things are taking care of, I'm leaving, but no later than next summer. Seems like a long time, but like everything else, I'm sure it will pass quickly.
Sorta feels a little like when I was a kid and Christmas seemed so far away.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 20, 2018 21:02:05 GMT -5
Wednesday will be day 300. This is nowhere near a record, but it's still a nice round number. It feels a bit different this time than previous 300 day markers in past years, for a few reasons: The 3 times there has been intimacy in the last 300 days, it was focused on her, and she didn't get to me either for health issues she has or she just didn't want to reciprocate. Our anniversary is in a couple of weeks, and in 17 years we've never had sex on our anniversary. Finally, she is supposed to be doing kegel exercises to assist in her health issues related to sex. I remind her daily to do them. I've done this since May. She has done them maybe five times, but today again threw it back in my face that I'm pressuring her, despite the fact that if I don't remind her she won't do them. I had warned her in previous times that I was going to stop reminding her the next time she tried to throw it back at me. That was today. I'll not be reminding her anymore. 300. If you're not careful you'll reach my number: 6,935. And sadly it seems that's going to continue to climb for awhile before it stops (if I'm lucky). But when my streak (which I'm NOT proud of) gets broken, it won't be with my refuser wife.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 20, 2018 8:10:36 GMT -5
Welcome stillunderwarrenty.
I 100% agree with choosinghappy. Hopefully she cares and loves you enough to take your advice.
I suggested to my wife that she discuss her problems related to lack of sex drive due to pre-post menopause with her doctor. She refused. She had already decided that she didn't want medical treatment for it. She said the scare of cancer from the treatments was just too much. So she shut down sex and has basically caused our relationship to die.
Not trying to discourage you, just sharing of what happened to me when I tried to get my wife to seek medical help.
Hope your situation turns out better.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 18, 2018 22:14:43 GMT -5
My wake-up call came a few weeks ago, when I crawled in bed next to wife to watch TV and she asked me to move away from her. That said it all to me and I'm going to keep moving away and on as soon as I can.
Though that hurt like hell, I know it's her and not me.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 18, 2018 16:37:16 GMT -5
choosinghappy,
I'm cheering you on and this seems an appropriate song, looking back on where you were a year ago and now!
Hugs, fist bumps and high fives my friend!
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