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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 22:45:21 GMT -5
The lawyer advice is pivotal Brother TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo - even if you have to spin a line of bullshit to "hide" the fact. Here's why - It may be that paying down debt is NOT the smartest move you could make. It may turn out that a better time to act would be now, or perhaps in summer 2020 rather than summer 2019 It may be that in your jurisdiction custody matters or required length of separation work in your favour (or against you). Many things you need to know, and the best time to gain that knowledge is "as soon as possible" so you can adjust your exit strategy accordingly. Thanks Baza, Points I will be balancing in my mind.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 22:42:23 GMT -5
Have you talked to your boss about adjusting your schedule? Giving you some overtime? Divorce is more and more common, it's also going to affect your work hours eventually. I am glad I was unemployed during all of my divorce. The paperwork, visits to the bank,hours digging up bank records, hours spent on the computer, going through household files, and all the emails and attorney visits are time consuming. I was fortunate to have the time available. The time to announce "divorce" may be sooner than you want.,so you can speak with attorneys and close accounts and credit cards. tell her the truth, where you went and why, let her look at your pay all she wants, it's all going to be part of the divorce process,and all for your own self improvement! Unfortunately, I'm just a temp employee right now. Hoping they will bring me on permanently before the end of the year. As such I can't have any overtime right now.
And that situation is another reason I can't divorce yet. I need to make my job situation stable so I can keep bringing in income.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 22:38:31 GMT -5
I’m having a hard time understanding why you (passive aggressively) went into her room naked without even a towel when you certainly knew she hadn’t seen you that way in 5 years. Wasn’t this reaction pretty predictable? Well maybe it should have been, but it wasn't the first thought because I had thought in my own home with my wife, that wouldn't have been an issue.
I guess in a normal marriage it wouldn't be. I guess I just forgot where I was, lol.
We're just roommates and as such I shouldn't have done that.
You're right about that.
But it won't ever happen again, that's for damn sure.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 21:37:05 GMT -5
Solodriver, have you ever talked to a lawyer to find out how a divorce would shake out? Maybe you don't need to reduce your debt to divorce. Often the first visit to a lawyer, the consultantion is free.... Not yet, but I have researched which ones will provide the free 30 minute consultation. One of the problems I have for now is that I have to take time off from work to go to the consultation, which will be noticed in my paycheck which I get paid hourly. She is such a control freak, if I say I went to the Drs, she'll want to know which one so she will be looking for the bill for it.
I don't want to tip my hand to her about my filing for divorce. She is currently working hard to help pay off some of our debts and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. If she thinks I'm going to leave she will quit working and that would make the financial situation worse. That's why I'm holding out until next summer.
We've agreed any money we save will be used to pay down the next credit car/bill until we can get them all paid down/off.
But after yesterday, I'm going to start the divorce process next summer no matter what. Hopefully she won't do something stupid. But I know I have no control over that if she does. But I'm hoping our finances will be in the black, not the red, like they are right now.
We've agreed on a few things. No more money on credit cards unless we consult each other first. Credit cards will only be used for emergencies or absolute repairs or maintenance on cars or house.
We will not be spending any money for Christmas this year. All money will be put towards payment of debts. That's our present to each other this year.
When I do go to see the attorney, I want to be able to put all of our income/expenses on one sheet to save time for the attorney to review. Having less debts will make that possible. Right now it's about 2 pages long.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 21:18:55 GMT -5
Solodriver- I am totally at a loss for words! I cannot imagine anyone being so nasty and self-absorbed! Your butt may creep her out but I can guarantee that it won’t creep out any other woman you will be satisfying sexually in the future. Your wife does not deserve you. If there is one thing I’ve learned in my SM, looks aren’t nearly as important as the way a man treats a woman and satisfies her sexually. Don’t give her another thought and go about your plans to divorce her next year. Thank you so much sadkat,
This whole thing just shocked and hurt me so much. I wasn't expecting the reaction that I got from her.
She is now going to be treated as a relative (sister or niece). I will not ever be inappropriately dressed around her and doors will be shut when I'm dressing, undressing or sleeping. And the bathroom door will be closed and locked when I'm in there.
She will never be able to accuse me of anything inappropriate for the remainder of the time we're in the same house together.
The next 10 months won't go fast enough.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 21:05:03 GMT -5
solodriver I can see how this is hurtful and Im sorry you felt the way you did. My thoughts/advice below is clearly hindsight but maybe food for thought in the future 1. My first thought/impulse if that would have happened to me would have been "why you staring at my ass?" Unless you were waving it in her face, she should have kept her eyes and her thoughts to herself. 2. Wear a towel man! My wife will jump out of the shower and drop towel in front of me. I used to grope and cat call in good fun "back in the day". No longer. I dont raise an eye. But my reaction is, why is she dropping towel? She should just keep it on while she gets her stuff and gets dressed. Its almost like she is trying to provoke a reaction. Maybe your wife thought the same and verbalized in a non effective manner. 3. Get some control over the laundry situation if you can. Its a form of independence/breaking free 4. I know it hard but one of the things Im learning to help "cope" is not to take words and actions from W personally in times of tension. I know its hard, but I feel its necessary mental preparation inside SM relationships All the best Thank you deddeeo,
Believe me I will be doing that with her from now on.
Also I will never touch her again so I won't be accused of sexual harassment from her.
And I won't ever stare at her again so she won't accuse me of being a perv either.
Never, ever thought the person I married would think those things about me.
I am definitely going to be better off without her.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 17:27:48 GMT -5
In my case - both
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 16:53:21 GMT -5
I am so thankful for each and every one og you who has reached out to touch me with your kind words and thoughts. I'm feeling a little better now because of them. I will be re-reading each of these posts every day for the next several days and absorbing into my wounded heart your words. Kinda like putting medicine on my finger that had a chuck of skin taken off yesterday at the grocery store trying to get a cart. It was stuck. So a guy pushed the one behind it and the one I was pulling on got pushed over my finger and took a nice slice of skin right off it. It started bleeding and was a mess. Had to put pressure on it to stop the bleeding after a few minutes. Went out to my car and got a dressing and some first aid cream from my first aid kit and dressed it and went back to shopping. Since that happened not even an hour from my wife's rejection, I joked to myself "gee adding injury to insult". Again my stupid sense of humor came out. This morning that finger looks pretty gross but I'll continue to dress it every day and keep it covered until it heals. Thank god the damn cart wasn't made of metal like the old days. Probably would have had to get a tetanus shot. Also was really glad I always keep a fully stocked first aid kit in my trunk. After thinking of the similarities that happened with my wife's rejection and my finger, (neither of which I was prepared to have happen) and thanks to all of you for coming to my aid and providing emotional first aid for me, I will keep applying the words that you have shared with me into my wounded heart every day and try to help heal that injury that she did to me, like the injury that happened to my finger. Ironic that both injuries happened within an hour of each other yesterday. Maybe the injury to my finger was "allowed" to happen to give me something to focus on, so I could work on that injury and the injury to my heart caused by the very painful, personal wound that my wife did to my heart. Right now my heart and finger probably look about the same. and the pain in my finger only hurts when I rub it against something. I guess if I try not to focus so much on my wife's words, the pain in my heart won't hurt quite as much. Thank you so much for being my friends and reaching out with your hugs and support. Please know I will re-read these posts every day until I'm stronger. Please know how much I do care about all of you as well. I hope I can return the favor to each of you someday. Solodriver
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 10:02:27 GMT -5
solodriver , there is nothing wrong with you. Nothing. You are not creepy. The human body is a beautiful creation, and if she doesn't appreciate *your* body, then fine, but to be repulsed by you speaks more to her mean, narcissistic spirit and lack of basic human dignity than it does to your attractiveness. She has a heart problem, and that is in no way your fault. For her to then attempt to be nice and make small talk later means she realizes what she said was hurtful, but she refuses to acknowledge your feelings and apologize to you while pretending nothing happened. She's a coward. Please don't let her have any power over you by believing her comment. Thank you heartbrokengirl,
Your words of encouragement have touched me and helped me feel better. It just still hurts so much that she thinks that of me. But she will never have to be "creeped out" by me ever again.
I will have to work on myself so I won't "creep out" anyone else who might find me interesting enough to take a chance with.
I think this has been the hardest thing I've dealt with, especially since I never saw it coming, how she viewed me.
Like I shared with someone else, I don't think, no matter how upset I would be with someone, I would never think to utter such a cruel, mean thing. No one deserves that.
I guess that's one of my faults - I do care about other people's feeling and wouldn't allow myself to sink to such a low-level and was just shocked and deeply hurt that she felt the need, for no reason, to do that.
But if there was any doubt left about our relationship, this nailed it shut for sure. I will probably never get that phrase out of my head, at least with her for sure.
I just never thought of myself that way before. What an eye-opening statement.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 9:47:22 GMT -5
If your time frame is a year, you have plenty of time to Atkins or South Beach or Cave Man diet, and exercise your way to a more confident you. You know, as much as I like a hardbody as my ideal body type, I have never been "into" a woman with a hardbody. My girlfriend does not fit into that category, but I find her incredibly erotic. There is just so much more to human attraction. I think when the time comes, and you are with a woman that is into you, I think all that insecurity is going to melt away pretty quickly. Thanks ironhammer! I will be doing more exercising and dieting, that's for sure. I can't do much about the incision scar from my pancreatic surgery, but maybe I can get a dermatologist to remove some of the bumps that have popped up along the way.
But it still going to be in the back of my mind if/when I meet a woman who wants to be intimate with me. I will feel very vulnerable and nervous. But I know I'm willing to risk it if I find someone who is that interested in me. I know I won't ever look like I did 30 years ago, but hopefully with some work I will still have some sex appeal left, lol.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 9:38:16 GMT -5
I am so sorry you had this experience. I think when we married we opened ourselves to this other person more deeply than any other. They can wound us so profoundly. For perspective, consider this scenario from your w's perspective. To look at your spouse and feel creeped out by their nudity is level 1. You are either deeply sexually disfunctional, absurdly immature, or you have detached from your SO so much that you have the reaction you should have if a stranger walks into your room naked. Level 2 is saying something about how creeped out you are. You are either so narcisistic you cannot see that your words impact others, cruel, or detached from your SO that you are reacting the way you should react if a strangervwalks into your room naked. (Or Roger Ailes- major creepy, or other boss type) I think she is pretty checked out of your marriage. That is a place to start for you for steps forward in the future. The fact that she can be so cruel is very informative of where she is at. Hang in there. FWIW I am absolutely positive you are not objectively creepy in any way. Thank you workingonit. Your words brought tears to my eyes this morning. It has been a long, sleepless, sad night for me. I have to try and pull it together today. I guess I never thought that she would hurt me the way she did, especially since I didn't do anything to provoke it other than try to find my underwear.
She will never have to worry about it happening again, that's for sure.
But it still HURTS to think she feels that way about me. But it is also the driving factor to get me out of this marriage next summer. I was thinking last night while I couldn't sleep about when I'm cleaning out things in preparation for my leaving, anything that she has ever given me of a romantic nature: cards, letters, pictures, notes, etc. is going in the garbage, because all I will now ever hear in my head about her is how my naked body "creeped her out".
Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think I could ever say anything so mean and cruel.
But this house is going to be very quiet for a long time now. We really don't have anything to talk about any more. I know where I stand with her. I guess that's good thing for my motivation. I'm going to try and be very busy or gone as much as I can the next several weeks for sure.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 9:22:57 GMT -5
How cruel and just terrible! I’m so sorry. You have however perfectly highlighted something that a lot of people in a SM try desperately to ignore: how utterly dehumanizing it can be. If it makes you feel any better, my ex blamed me for our SM even though he had ED and lack of desire and I was trying everything. By the end, in addition to blaming the bed being too soft (the same one we had since day one), the lights too bright, the music (we always had to have certain lighting and music tha HE chose) too loud, me being too aggressive, not aggressive enough, etc etc, on our last day with our second couples therapist—a sex therapist—-he blamed the texture of my pubic hair for making him lose his erection! I don’t think I have to tell you it was the same hair i had since day one, hahahha. By the time I had had an affair and knew that I was in fact, diametrically opposed to everything he told me, quite desirable and very good in bed. So I almost found it funny, though it was so freaking INSULTING I almost got up and walked out. Instead I kicked him out a very short time later! Once it gets to that point, your marriage isn’t dead, it’s INCINERATED. Dust off the ashes and move along! PS: as most know I immediately fell in love with an extremely sexy guy 11 years my junior who still fucks my brains out on the regular despite two small kids, exhaustion, my two c-section scars, gray hair and increasingly squishy midsection. I’m so glad I ended my SM! Thanks nyartgal,
Your story is encouraging. Incinerated is exactly what happened yesterday with my wife. I didn't sleep at all last night, tossing and turning and up and down all night thinking and feeling the pain of what happened. Woke up this morning with a sick stomach. Ugh!
For me, it's not all about looks. It's what's inside that counts: passion, love, desire. Age is not a factor either. I just want to share my desire for love, intimacy and passion along with the desire to share everyday life and adventures. But her comment about my naked body "creeping her out" just HURT so bad. It made me feel UTTERLY and TOTALLY unworthy. And I guess I hadn't realized how ugly I had become to her. Like I said, it has been about 5 years since I let her see me naked because we don't sleep together in the same room and I dress and undress in the other room.
What happened yesterday was a freak occurrence because she hadn't put my underwear in my dresser drawer like she normally does, or sometimes she will put them on my bed to put away.
I never thought I would have had to wrap myself in a towel so I wouldn't "creep out" my wife of 30 years.
The whole incident was shocking and hurting to me, but it definitely confirmed to me 2 things: It will NEVER, EVER happen again and we ARE going to be divorced next summer. I'm going to try like hell to make it happen financially.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 0:54:33 GMT -5
That is exactly what it has done.
I don't want to spend anymore time with someone that is "creeped" out by me.
But I think it may have made it harder for me to feel comfortable getting naked in front of someone else. I can't get that voice and sentence out of my head.
Maybe I'm expecting too much too soon.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 0:34:46 GMT -5
I felt that way when I left the house after this happened and I had to talk myself down from it, because I can't afford to divorce until I'm able to put money into my savings account after I pay off some bills, but, there will be a divorce coming next year. I'm trying not to shoot myself by loosing my cool and doing it before I'm ready for my own benefit.
But, there is no relationship left between us. I think she realized what happened and since I came back home she's been quietly trying to make small talk. My only response has been yes or no. All I hear in my head is how I "creeped" her out. That is all I'm going to remember about her. It has entirely erased any sliver of good feelings I had for her and any good memories that I had have now been erased by the word "creeped"
You don't have to "start" the divorce process now, but you can make sure your seeing yourself up for things to work out how you want them to. Oh I am my dear friend. In the past few weeks I've done attorney researches, cleaned out some junk that I don't need and try to focus myself in a better place.
Today set me back though. It really hurt my self-esteem. But it has only strengthened my resolve to divorce next year, ready or not. Because I don't want her to ever be "creeped out" by me again.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 0:29:52 GMT -5
As I was processing this a while ago, my stupid sense of humor came out.
Maybe my wife is onto something. She could start a new diet plan and call it the "Creepy Diet Plan"
This has certainty affected my appetite tonight.
Every time I think I want to eat, I hear the words "Your butt is creeping me out" and I lose my appetite immediately.
I'm going to lose weight for sure if that keeps up.
Maybe not a bad plan. Now all it needs is a marketing plan. Maybe get Darren Stevens (Bewitched) to write the slogan.
We'll have something to fight about during the divorce. I think I deserve some of the financial benefits of that diet.
God I'm hopeless
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