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Post by sadkat on Aug 25, 2018 17:24:18 GMT -5
As many of you know, I’ve been trying to find the strength to leave my marriage. I’ve been in a SM for more than 22 years. Early on, I went to counseling to try to understand how I got myself into this mess and what to do about it. It did help and, after a lot of thought, I decided to stay. Fast forward 15 years and here I am not satisfied with staying any longer. What have I done so far? Not much- still paralyzed by guilt and what-ifs. My H has been very nice to me lately which makes it that much harder. There is still no sex and frankly, I no longer want sex with him. That is the driving factor behind my decision to leave. His recent efforts to please me in ways other than sex is making it very hard. I am being much more specific with him about what I want and asking for help when I need it. It’s a big change for me as I was always the pleaser and thought I needed to make him happy and to earn his love. I know it’s crazy but it’s in my nature and it’s hard to let go. One night this week, he suggested we make a long term future investment and I told him I was not willing to tie our lives further together with the issues we have in our marriage. He actually told me we didn’t have any issues in our marriage! That spoke volumes! Baby steps- I’m standing up for myself more than I have in the past. I know I could just leave without any explanation but I really want him to understand why I’m leaving. I’d like for us to continue to be friends when the marriage is over but I’ll need to be much stronger and set firm boundaries for that to happen. He definitely knows what buttons to push to make me feel guilty or to manipulate me into going along with what he wants. I was targeting October to move out. Not sure if I’ll make it.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 25, 2018 17:55:25 GMT -5
Congrats on those baby steps. Bit by bit they can add up to big steps. You could return to counseling and use that for the support and organizing you need to leave. Your husband doesn’t need to agree with or understand your reasons for you to divorce him.
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Post by baza on Aug 25, 2018 18:06:35 GMT -5
Unless you have the appropriate legal advice, and a do-able exit strategy in your pocket, you almost certainly won't make an October 2018 deadline Sister sadkat . October is only 35 days away. If you haven't got the legal advice as to how a divorce would shake out for you, or you haven't got a do-able exit plan for your post ILIASM life, if you haven't shored up your support network, or figured out how to shepherd your kids (if any) through such an event, then it might be best to shelve the idea for a bit. Whilst you get those things done and ready. Observation - Leaving is a very very difficult thing to do, even when you are fully prepared. If you have a crack at it in an ill prepared manner, there is a very real risk of blowing up on the launch pad, and if that happens you put yourself backwards by months, and your cred is shred. And that is a bad position to be in. Makes it even harder to get up to the line for another attempt. Suggestion - Get yourself as prepared as you possibly can be. You don't get an infinite number of shots at this, so as far as possible make this opening attempt count.
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Post by sadkat on Aug 25, 2018 18:16:38 GMT -5
baza-Yes, I know- I won’t leave until I’ve got all the boxes checked. No kids in the picture now- my child is grown and flown. We have separate finances already and I’ve got a great job. We have the cars and house jointly and I will discuss dissolution with a lawyer. Baby steps...
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Post by sadkat on Aug 25, 2018 18:22:45 GMT -5
Congrats on those baby steps. Boy by bit they can add up to big steps. You could return to counseling and use that for the support and organizing you need to leave. Your husband doesn’t need to agree with or understand your reasons for you to divorce him. I’ve thought about counseling- Just not sure how much it will help. I’ll consider it some more. My biggest stumbling block- all through our marriage, I looked to my husband for approval. That is the biggest thing I need to work on because- you are absolutely right, I don’t need his agreement to leave.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 25, 2018 19:18:52 GMT -5
Counseling can help you pay attention to your own needs including when negotiating the settlement. I paid out of my pocket during my divorce. Every penny was worth it. Counseling helped me attend to my own needs and desires instead of continuing to make my husband’s needs and desires my focus.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Aug 25, 2018 19:58:14 GMT -5
Congrats on those baby steps. Boy by bit they can add up to big steps. You could return to counseling and use that for the support and organizing you need to leave. Your husband doesn’t need to agree with or understand your reasons for you to divorce him. I’ve thought about counseling- Just not sure how much it will help. I’ll consider it some more. My biggest stumbling block- all through our marriage, I looked to my husband for approval. That is the biggest thing I need to work on because- you are absolutely right, I don’t need his agreement to leave. When I was unraveling things with my previous husband I found counseling to be tremendously helpful—especially after my h decided not to go anymore. Talking with her helped me crystallize my thoughts and sort through the complicated feelings. More importantly, it armed me with tools to deal with my husband’s subtle methods of manipulation. Kudos to you for having strength to stay all these years and for being strong enough to start taking these baby steps to change your situation now. Listen to the truth in your heart.
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Post by sadkat on Aug 25, 2018 20:03:48 GMT -5
catsloveme- thank you for your insight. I’ll look into this. Did you go to counseling before you initiated the separation or during (or both)? Learning some tools to help me navigate this would be a good idea.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Aug 25, 2018 20:18:57 GMT -5
catsloveme- thank you for your insight. I’ll look into this. Did you go to counseling before you initiated the separation or during (or both)? Learning some tools to help me navigate this would be a good idea. We started counseling toward the end of our marriage to try to make things better. He would go to counseling appointments but never do the homework. He told me one day that doing the homework was pointless because things were never going to change. So I knew that was the end—he just wasn’t interested in expending any effort to save our marriage—and I knew it wasn’t something I could save on my own. He stopped going to counseling after that but I kept going until after we had separated. Things were fairly amicable, but I definitely needed the support. In a way, the counselor kept me accountable to pursuing changes that were hard but that I knew I needed to make in order to be happy and healthy. I have a streak of “approval-seeker” in me too, so I relate to what you’re going through. Counseling helped me own my truth and stand up for myself in a way that was still kind and compassionate —but not sacrificing kindness and compassion for my self.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 25, 2018 21:20:34 GMT -5
sadkat
Hugs and know I'm cheering for you.
I'm doing the very same thing. For me it's baby steps because I have to take care of paying off/down bills so I can afford to pay for the things I will need when I get divorced.
It's funny because back in July I tried to have one last "warning" talk with my wife regarding how very unhappy and disconnected we were and how something has to change. I made several suggestions, all of which were rejected. Finally I asked what do you want to do?
She said she needed to take "baby steps".
That's not good enough for me, so I initiated my Divorce Countdown Clock, which continues to tick away. I felt very insulted and hurt by her statement after 30 years of marriage that she needed "baby steps" I don't want to waste any more time on it. I need love, sex, affection and she is NOT going to provide it for me so, therefore I'm leaving in the hopes of a much better, happier and sexual life.
Unfortunately I have to wait until next summer as I'm getting many bills paid down or off. This may be the hardest part of the whole thing because I have to grit my teeth and bear it day to day and not blow up on her and act prematurely and shoot myself in the foot before I'm ready. Plus I'm so lonely and need to feel the love, warmth, touch and sharing of sex with someone else so bad.
Maybe someday.
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Post by sadkat on Aug 25, 2018 21:35:53 GMT -5
solodriver-I feel your pain. I’m right there with you. I’m sorry that my “baby steps” phrase resonated so badly with you. It’s interesting- I don’t think I’d accept that phrase from my partner either after all these years of no intimacy or affection. The whole thing is just so sad. I know that leaving is my best option- just getting there is proving very difficult. Please share your journey- perhaps we can support one another.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 25, 2018 21:39:56 GMT -5
solodriver -I feel your pain. I’m right there with you. I’m sorry that my “baby steps” phrase resonated so badly with you. It’s interesting- I don’t think I’d accept that phrase from my partner either after all these years of no intimacy or affection. The whole thing is just so sad. I know that leaving is my best option- just getting there is proving very difficult. Please share your journey- perhaps we can support one another. Thank you sadkat, that would be wonderful.
My updates will be posted under "My Status".
Thanks for the kind words.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 26, 2018 11:15:58 GMT -5
catsloveme- thank you for your insight. I’ll look into this. Did you go to counseling before you initiated the separation or during (or both)? Learning some tools to help me navigate this would be a good idea. We started counseling toward the end of our marriage to try to make things better. He would go to counseling appointments but never do the homework. He told me one day that doing the homework was pointless because things were never going to change. So I knew that was the end—he just wasn’t interested in expending any effort to save our marriage—and I knew it wasn’t something I could save on my own. He stopped going to counseling after that but I kept going until after we had separated. Things were fairly amicable, but I definitely needed the support. In a way, the counselor kept me accountable to pursuing changes that were hard but that I knew I needed to make in order to be happy and healthy. Mine would do the homework - as would I - but would then hold it over my head in counseling that he did MORE homework and put more effort into it than I did. Made me not want to do anything. My h has been pushing for us to go back to marriage counseling and I flat-out said no. I think we both need individual counseling. His reply was, “But there’s nothing wrong with me!”
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 26, 2018 11:24:07 GMT -5
“My h has been pushing for us to go back to marriage counseling and I flat-out said no. I think we both need individual counseling. His reply was, “But there’s nothing wrong with me!”
You don’t need his agreement to get counseling for yourself . That may be what you need to let go of your toxic marriage.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 26, 2018 12:50:59 GMT -5
Just a side note about counselling: Every attorney I went to for a consultation asked me " have the two of you been to marriage counselling? I don't know how important it is legally, but they all asked about it. When given the answer of "Yes for years, my wife refused to go anymore and I continue to get individual therapy. Our psychologist said that there isn't even a dying ember left there is nothing left to fix".
The attorneys next reply was " then your marriage is "irretrievably broken". They then seemed happy to know what kind of a case they needed to present.( think of it as an ace up your sleeve)
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