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Post by baza on Aug 14, 2018 0:24:52 GMT -5
This is pretty much a straight copy of a post on Sister JMX story. It deals with the "staying or going" issue and the apparent state of indecision of having one foot in the leaving camp - and the other foot in the staying camp. Some thoughts on this "indecision" situation. The fact is, that at this moment in time you ARE staying. That is the fact in the here and now. That's where you ARE. That is the reality right now. This is what you have chosen. You may well have chosen it by default, you may well have chosen it reluctantly, resentfully, unhappily or even willingly. But you have chosen it. You are not standing off to one side looking at two different paths you could take. You have done that. You ARE on one of the paths already. You may have blundered on to it, you may have accidently got on it. But you're on it. That choice has been made. By you. You have to own that. You are not going to be able to move forward until you DO take ownership of that, and responsibility for that. Now, once that bitter pill of ownership and responsibility has been swallowed, the question becomes - "am I going to stick with this choice, or not ? In many ways, this is a helluva lot simpler a question than - "stay or go", because it is based on fact that the "stay" option is taken. It is already in play. You are already a long way down the path of staying. It is not as if staying is a brand new option for you to consider from scratch, given you have been living it for quite a while. That makes it "simpler". Your only real option is whether you are going to continue down that chosen path of yours, or not. To cut to the chase here, you are not really in "a state of indecision". You HAVE chosen. You ARE in the staying camp at this moment. There is nothing indecisive or wavering about that. You may well not be real happy with your choice, in which case you might wish to re-visit that choice, maybe even reverse that choice, but right now, you know where you are. And knowing where you are is a good thing. That's your solid base. In this case, it's also a very unpleasant bit of knowledge, but really really valuable knowledge. You are NOT deciding what you will do - that choice has already been made by you. Rather, you are now choosing whether you will stick with that real life, real time choice. And, re-affirming that choice to stay, to continue doing what you have been doing, is a perfectly legitimate choice. Any you own it.
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Post by choosinghappy on Aug 15, 2018 8:35:39 GMT -5
“If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice.” -Freewill, Rush
This song has been going round and round in my head for days.
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Post by baza on Aug 15, 2018 20:17:12 GMT -5
The thing is, that sometimes we make a bad choice that dumps us in the shit. Sometimes, we are impacted by a choice someone else made that results in dumping us in the shit. And sometimes, the cosmos, for no apparent reason, dumps us in the shit.
The common element is that - for whatever reason - we are in the shit. That is the fact of the matter.
It may (or may not) have been our fault that we ended up in the shit, but whether it is or isn't does not change the fact.
Now, responsibility kicks in. You may well not 'want' this responsibility, but you've got it. You, and you alone, are the only person who can work your way out of the shit. You mightn't have caused the problem (or you might have) but you DO have to deal with it.
You've got to own the fact that you are in the shit. You've got to accept the responsibility of getting yourself out of it. No-one else can get you out of the shit, that job is yours.
There's not a lot of point in railing against the unfairness of it all, or blaming whoever caused the problem. None of these things will move you forward by even one millimeter.
What might get you going is to take ownership of the factual position (and that's a very hard thing to do) and take responsibility for working your way out of the position (and that's even harder to do).
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Post by theexplorer on Aug 17, 2018 12:34:45 GMT -5
You've got to own the fact that you are in the shit. You've got to accept the responsibility of getting yourself out of it. No-one else can get you out of the shit, that job is yours.
Very wise words Baza! Thanks for creating this post. I have wasted to much time angry, resentful, and depressed. None of that created even the slightest improvement in my situation. At this point, I'm still trying to locate the exit from this quagmire. It is not clearly marked!
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Post by baza on Aug 17, 2018 20:07:17 GMT -5
It sure is not a well sign posted route Brother theexplorer . However, if you can take ownership of, and responsibility for, where you are right now, that gives you at least one solid point of reference. A bit like those signs you'll see in a town with a street map up on a board in the main drag, with a big arrow saying "You Are Here". Or on your GPS device, where it gives you your present location. If you know "where you are" you are some chance of planning a route to "where you want to be". Without knowing "where you are" your chances of identifying a route to "where you want to be" are really piss poor. And often-times, we don't know "where we want to be" either ! That, not knowing where you are AND not knowing where you want to be either just has us spinning our wheels. First thing is, truly knowing where you are. And a searching, brutally honest, no bullshit full inventory of one's marriage and your own role in it is the starting point to that.
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Post by snowman12345 on Aug 18, 2018 5:18:48 GMT -5
“If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice.” -Freewill, Rush This song has been going round and round in my head for days. My favorite band! Geddy rules! molar mass al2o3
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Post by theexplorer on Aug 21, 2018 15:15:20 GMT -5
Baza, what you wrote is so true about being honest about where we are. I lived in denial for nearly a decade!! I did NOT like reality and refused to accept it!! Those were dark years of frustration and resentment. That was the most difficult period of my life.
I finally realized that my situation is unlikely to change. In fact, it will probably get worse, assuming my wife's health continues to deteriorate. After accepting that reality truly sucks, I started to look around to see how I could improve the situation. This website has provide some good ideas. I believe it was NorthStarMom who wrote about her experience of taking classes, hosting parties, and focusing on her own personal growth prior to her divorce. I have been exercising regularly. I signed up for a short class that starts next week. I have also taken some day trips to see interesting historical sights. So, I've made some the situation suck a bit less in recent times, but it still sucks.
As for changing the situation, I've been doing some research on the options. So far, it appears that building an "island" in this "sewage lagoon" is the best option! (Which still stinks!!) I'm going to go talk with a marriage counselor to see if they have any ideas or options I've not considered.
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Post by baza on Aug 21, 2018 21:20:50 GMT -5
Seeing a marriage counsellor (or better still an individual counsellor) could help you identify where you are. Seeing a lawyer in your jurisdiction could be a big signpost to where you want to be.
Anything that will help you identify 'where you are'is good. Anything that helps you identify 'where you want to be' is good.
But then the questions just start to get harder.
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Post by JMX on Aug 21, 2018 22:37:52 GMT -5
Crikey, Baz.
Am I in the “staying” camp?
Yep.
Am I still here at ILIASM?
Yep.
I think that alone qualifies me for the “potentially, eventually leaving camp”.
Most here have both feet in both camps.
See - I think that is why some that wash up on our shores actually leave.
I don’t think it’s because they wish they had their own forum. I think they would all eventually leave.
I have a BFF that profusely apologizes before she rips on me (my treatment of my situation) and my husband.
“Well, if I were you...”
“Holy shit! Did he fucking say that?”
“I just wish you saw yourself like I see you.”
Only that last one gets to me.
They all get to me though - I see it. Don’t get me wrong. But I think I am being FAIR. I am smart, I have a certain ego. But, I am fair. A relationship isn’t all about ME.
However - and she is right - when is it EVER about ME?
Probably - not much.
Cabinets. Kitchen remodel.
I do this for a living. He does too - not in the same capacity - but similar.
Simple - I get a drawing of what I want and what he wants - I want cabinets to the ceiling. We have 8 foot ceilings. He wants castle-stack.
I say - unequivocally “no” to castle stack. He listens. He then proceeds to pick quartz and backsplash without consulting me.
K.
Did I win something? Sure. I did. I will have non-cheesy cabinets. Did he consult me on the rest? No. He picked the countertops and backsplash and handles without my input.
My BFF thinks it is disrespectful. She told me: I don’t hate your husband. I hate him with you.
K.
Am I a dragon-lady that always has to get my way? No.
Am I a pushover that never states my case? No.
I woke up last night at 2 am with a heart palpitation. I freaked out. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. It was anxiety. It took me forever to fall asleep. Last week - my oldest caught me sleep-walking and sleep-talking.
I am stressed beyond belief.
And my friend’s worry, my own worry and even if “fair” - my husband’s treatment - have been warning signs I would not have been able to view as “signs” that I do now.
I will eventually leave. Life feels shorter with every passing day.
I am just not sure how. I have logistics in place. I know what to do about children. I know how to handle finances. I only need pull the plug.
Wish me luck.
Some day.
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Post by baza on Aug 22, 2018 1:16:12 GMT -5
Yeah, I'd bet good money that you will leave Sister JMX . But it ain't a race. You'll do it when the time is right for you. Meantime, you're staying, and that's not a new choice. It is a continuation of a choice you made a ways back. That's the thrust of my original post. We are not standing dispassionately to one side as a neutral observer facing two new choices (stay or go) and choosing which path we'll pick. Rather we are up to our necks in living one of the choices already. There's nothing ambigious or conflicted about where you are. You might not be real happy about it, but that's where you are. And I see that as a real good thing - knowing where you are. It gives you a solid base to work from. It gives you some certainty. It makes it simpler in many ways. You don't need to worry about choosing to stay or not - that choice has been made and you're living it. The only choice left to make is whether you are going to "not stay". And until you make that choice - as difficult as it is - then you stay.
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Post by choosinghappy on Aug 22, 2018 6:30:34 GMT -5
((Hugs)) JMX. Pretend it was your BFF telling you all the things you tell her. How would you feel then?
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Post by solodriver on Aug 22, 2018 8:04:20 GMT -5
JMX I've gone through your struggle.
But, like you said, life is getting shorter each passing day.
I want to spend it with someone who wants to love and be loved and not with someone who doesn't want those things.
As soon as some financial things are taking care of, I'm leaving, but no later than next summer. Seems like a long time, but like everything else, I'm sure it will pass quickly.
Sorta feels a little like when I was a kid and Christmas seemed so far away.
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