There are too many know-it-alls here. You know who you are. There is an ILIASM culture here that only includes some people. You KIAs are bullying other people here. I know this because I have been contacted by other members saying so. This place is free and I believe that the administration is part of the problem. But it is free....
You KIAs be nicer to the folks here!!!
I cant relate to almost all of what is posted here so I am going to leave.
I mean leave the forum, not my marriage.
Can you imagine that I promised to be with her until death and I plan on keeping my word?
I realize that may be the only one here that is that way.
Post by northstarmom on Aug 24, 2018 19:43:51 GMT -5
What is a KIAS?
Although i found EP, iliasm’s predescessor just after my divorce was final,being here has helped me immeasureably. it has helped me understand how i got in a sm and stayed in one. It has helped me develop compassion for myself about the mistakes I made in relationships. It has helped me become a wiser, more appreciative partner to my current partner so I don’t make the same mistakes I made in my marriage.
I learn a lot from many members here about how to be a better person, not just in terms of sex, but interns of my relationships with people in general.
While I’ve only met in person one person here, I have established platonic social media relationships with others here, andi it has been a pleasure to connect that way as friends.
A lot of times when I give advice to others I realize the same advice applies to my life, so that helps keep me on a better track. For instance after telling many about how sntidepresssnts canbeof great benefit depending one’s situation, I finally realized that I needed to get back on mine to correctly handle the chronic depression that had been a lifelong problem for me. ]I’ve also admired and learned from the many here whose answers to posts reflect empathy and compassion and support. Speaking of depression, your recent posts remind me of how when I am very depressed, I become angry, bitter and feel hopeless and not supported. You sound very depressed. Are you getting any individual therapy or other professional support?
There others here who plan to remain married til death. Some said that in the choosing to stay area.
Post by choosinghappy on Aug 24, 2018 20:29:36 GMT -5
Tell the truth: Is this because I referenced the stick up your ass?
It is odd to me that you posted this and then immediately deleted your account. ?? You never seemed to want to have an actual conversation @lostsoul, rather, you’d say what you wanted to say and then expect everyone to respond in the exact way you wanted them to respond. When some didn’t, you’d often seem butthurt about it. You kept insisting you were the only one here vowing to stay forever. Not the case, as was pointed out to you again and again. But you’re still insisting that’s the case. All very odd.
I wish you luck with your “til death do you part”.
And yes, ILIASM and the people here helped me change my life for the better.
Post by northstarmom on Aug 24, 2018 20:45:06 GMT -5
Perhaps many staying-for- life refused don’t post because what they want is praise for remaining firmly committed to very difficult marriages that are difficult due to their partner’s selfish, abusive, manipulative, etc. actions. Some were brought up to believe that such committed people are admirable . However, it’s rare for such people to be admired here. Praise may be the support they desire here.
Post by solodriver on Aug 24, 2018 20:47:16 GMT -5
This forum probably saved my life. Because of the people whom I've met on here, I now have hope for a future that I wouldn't have had if not for the people whom I truly call my friends, examples and mentors on here. I cherish all the people whom I've become friends with here. This forum is my refuge from the chaos that I live day-by-day in my SM. I feel compassion and caring from the many friends I have here. I truly started feeling a sense of loss a few weeks ago when the board went down for about a week and was very worried it may not come back. Again I want to thank the Admins for their diligent hard work to bring us all back together. I have to say that this forum has come to mean the world to me. I hope someday to be able to meet in person, some of the many friends I've met on here and tell them in person how much I cherish their input on this forum.
Lost Soul you are right about one thing. You can't relate to us because you have not been living the hell that we have. My parents gave me a plaque whern I was a kid that I kept on my wall until I left home and it would apply here.
"Don't judge a person until you walked a mile in his shoes."
I believe that we here have worn our "souls" out in our SMs. As such, we deserve that respect!
Last Edit: Aug 24, 2018 20:53:43 GMT -5 by solodriver
And I get what he's saying. "You can't turn your marriage around", "You can't make someone want to f*ck you," "Refusers can't/never change", "It's hopeless/You're helpless," and "Get your exit plan in order" appears to be the sum of all knowledge on ILIASM.
In C. S. Lewis's fairy tale, The Last Battle, one of the plot twists is that one group of Aslan's allies, the dwarves, become so cynical and jaded, that they cannot see past their own misery, and cannot be helped. Even though they are freed from their bonds and environments, they still believe themselves to be bound and in a hellhole. They become to cynical that they shoot at everyone, attempting to kill everyone. They're battle cry was "The dwarves are for the dwarves."
(Hmmm.... I think I've given myself an idea for a blog post: The Hopeless Are Helpless. I'll have to let that idea percolate for a while.)
Post by northstarmom on Aug 24, 2018 21:13:38 GMT -5
“And I get what he's saying. "You can't turn your marriage around", "You can't make someone want to f*ck you," "Refusers can't/never change", "It's hopeless/You're helpless," and "Get your exit plan in order" appears to be the sum of all knowledge on ILIASM.”
Not true. There has plenty of advice on how to stay while doing things to increase one’s happiness.
There have been a couple of examples of people who turned their marriages around.
There also has been advice that staying can be a reasonable choice. However, it should be an informed choice and a choice that is a decision not a default.
It is, however not a site where one will get praise for tolerating physically, verbally or emotionally abusive behavior.
There is some of what he described here. There is also plenty of great practical advice. I take what I want and leave the rest. There is a tendency to put your own jaded views onto other's situations, but that doesn't always apply. I think it's important to remember that and not be too militant in what you advocate. Obvious abuse and dangerous situations shouldn't be glossed over, of course.
Post by ironhamster on Aug 25, 2018 0:25:08 GMT -5
This forum has been immensely helpful to me.
I do not expect everyone to have the same opinions, or the same advice, or the same situations.
I do see a fair amount of skepticism. The data can back up why that skepticism is there.
In the end, it is your life, and we all have the same five selections, and they are all represented.
1) Stay, and be miserable. 2) Stay, and pressure your spouse to do things they do not want to do. 3) Stay, but outsource with permission and clear communication. 4) Stay, but outsource without permission. 5) Leave, because the relationship is not meeting your needs and it is the honest thing to do.
Personally, I don't have a real lot of respect for people who throw a hand grenade into the room and then skedaddle.
But, the whole exercise has some parallels to an ILIASM marriage.
Former Brother @lostsoul was in this group. He was not particularly happy to be in this group. He could have stayed and continue what was (in his judgement) an unfulfilling relationship with this group. He had the option to leave this group, and strike out in a new direction to find a kindred group supportive of his aspirations. He chose to leave.
@lostsoul isn’t wrong... there isn’t a lot of support in the Choosing to Stay section. I recall that was one of the concerns about creating the group.
While many folks have chosen to leave or plan to (or hope to), and may have had success in doing so, and found that it was the right call for them... it’s not one-size-fits-all. It’s not that folks who choose to stay just lack enlightenment, haven’t looked at the big picture, or are even weighing their decision.
If we give some credit to the folks who are choosing to stay, they’ve made a conscious decision; respect it. Their challenge is not whether to stay, but *how* to stay. How to make the best of a situation that’s less than perfect; how to find happiness in the face of indifference. That recipe’s going to be different for everyone, so the more ideas the better.
Like you allude to Brother DryCreek . The one big commonality in this group is that we are all - every last one of us - in the business of having to make horribly difficult choices, and owning them.
Some wrestling with the horribly difficult choice to stay. Some wrestling with the equally horribly difficult choice to leave. But ALL wrestling with a horrible difficult choice....to which there is no "correct" or "incorrect" answer. That's the common denominator here. The common denominator is not "what you choose" but rather "that you choose" and get off the fence.
And most people who have chosen and own the choice seem to achieve a level of serenity, whether that choice was to leave or was to stay.
Staying is the right choice for some. Leaving is the right choice for some.
And then, in the middle are the poor buggers in various stages of indecision. Struggling to choose, struggling to take ownership of a choice. Possibly the worst possible position one can be.
And I think this is where the first hand testimony of the membership comes into play. There are first hand stories from stayers, there are first hand stories from leavers. Not that you should blindly follow anyone in their choice, but you can take what you will from peoples stories, and discard what fails to resonate with you. It may help you get to a position of clarity about what YOUR choice is going to be. And get you off the fence, which is a shit of a place to be.
To answer the question - Yes this forum has helped me. It has helped me see that my SM is not so uncommon, it has helped me see that my SM is not all my fault, it has helped me see that I am not blameless for this SM. I think many people like @lostsoul arrive here looking for a magic potion to guarantee their eternal happiness. When we as a group point out the reality of an SM they then flee from the "KIAs" who will not give them a pity party. They should spend their time in a forum that speaks of bacon scented candles and God's will.
"Of all men's miseries the bitterest is this: to know so much and to have control over nothing." - Herodotus
misssunnybunny: I'm also very sad to see that andie is gone
Oct 22, 2018 16:25:07 GMT -5
jim44444: hmisssunnybunny not only did andie delete her existence here she also deleted her tumblr account. Maybe her hubby found her online postings.
Oct 22, 2018 19:52:59 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: Oh, no! Hope she is okay...
Oct 22, 2018 20:00:25 GMT -5
solodriver: I'm sad andie is gone too. She reached out to me when I first joined the group at a time when I was really sick, and talked to me everyday until I was well again and shared a lot of her stories with me.
Oct 22, 2018 20:58:28 GMT -5
isthisit: Apologies for being a techno numpty- can anyone help me to send a PM? When I choose the member as a recipient the error message indicating a staff member is required. Eh?
Nov 6, 2018 15:03:40 GMT -5
solodriver: isthisit you cannot send PMs until your membership changes to member
Nov 6, 2018 21:41:58 GMT -5
isthisit: Thanks solodriver and shynjdude for your replies. Is there some info somewhere about these divisions? I have had a mooch around and haven't come across it yet.
Nov 8, 2018 10:22:28 GMT -5
solodriver: I think it is/was under the Welcome tab, but not sure where.
Nov 8, 2018 21:52:19 GMT -5