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Post by sadkat on Aug 25, 2018 10:22:06 GMT -5
Being relatively new to this group, I’m not sure how much it has really helped me. It definitely hasn’t pushed me away. I’ve received feedback that I didn’t like or didn’t necessarily agree with but all feedback made me think through the issues I’m facing in a much more objective manner. I love the fact that I can talk to people who are in similar positions as I am. I’m still struggling with my decision to leave my marriage ( more on that coming in a separate post) but I am making a little bit of progress. I come here for validation and support. Since I rarely post, that support and validation often comes from what all of you post. I’m hopeful that, down the road, I can confidently tell you just how much you’ve helped me on this difficult journey I’m on.
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 25, 2018 10:26:38 GMT -5
baza, I’m not sure you’re getting my point. In my eyes, the Post SM section and the Choosing to Stay section each support a decisive outcome. But I don’t feel that the latter is being respected as a choice, and I think that’s the thrust of @lostsoul’s complaint. Nobody steps into the Post Sexless Marriage section and presumes posters there are on the fence or need help reaching a decision. They are applauded for being decisive and given support for their choice. Some of them are struggling greatly with the consequences of that choice. Consider that posters in the Choosing to Stay section are in precisely the same position. They’ve made a choice, albeit not the one you and others have. They are not on the fence. They don’t need to be swayed or enlightened anymore than those who’ve made the choice to leave. But they, too, are struggling with the consequences of their decision. And not looking for someone to “push them off the fence”, but rather to help them make the best of their choice.
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Post by flounder on Aug 25, 2018 10:46:59 GMT -5
To answer the question - Yes this forum has helped me. It has helped me see that my SM is not so uncommon, it has helped me see that my SM is not all my fault, it has helped me see that I am not blameless for this SM. I think many people like @lostsoul arrive here looking for a magic potion to guarantee their eternal happiness. When we as a group point out the reality of an SM they then flee from the "KIAs" who will not give them a pity party. They should spend their time in a forum that speaks of bacon scented candles and God's will. This times a kajillion million thousand. -my five year old
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 25, 2018 10:49:25 GMT -5
DryCreek, the problem is that the people likely to applaud the choice of the choosing to stay members are the ones who choose to stay. Unfortunately, they tend to lurk. The people like me who have left or are in the process of leaving aren’t going to congratulate or admire the stayers. While I haven’t noticed anyone going into the choosing to stay area urging posters ito leave their marriages, due to the lack of appreciative posts from their peers, the choosers may not feel supported.
Apparently even for choosers there’s not much to celebrate when a person chooses to grit their teeth and endure a marriage that includes something so painful that they sought help from the Internet. If choosers were extremely content with their situation they would not have landed here. The sexlessness in their marriage hurts more than they admit even to themselves.
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Post by elkclan2 on Aug 25, 2018 13:19:34 GMT -5
When I first joined the old ILIASM I was still quite committed to 'saving' my marriage. There was a time when I thought maybe I was getting a lot of bad ideas in my head from the forum. So I stepped back for a bit. I observed that yes my ex was emotionally and verbally abusive and he was withholding sex as a control tool (as well as I think having some genuine sexual dysfunction.)
The problem is that once the scales are removed from your eyes, you can't help but see. And that does bring up a lot of feelings of anger. It's a lot easier to blame random internet strangers than to see that the person who said they loved you doesn't love you like you need (best case) or blame yourself for putting up with it for too long.
What I do wish there was was a better diagnostic - my situation was hopeless because my ex didn't have any desire to make the marriage work for ME and was willing to put me through a lot of misery to make sure I didn't ask for anything more (like being treated decently). I am a certain that there are SM that can be turned around, but when you are in the depths of despair it's not easy to see if yours is one of them (in fact more people think they are in one than can be saved than can't).
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 25, 2018 13:44:27 GMT -5
I found the original version of ILIASM back on EP. I had exhausted every avenue I could think of in trying to turn things around. I was stuck in the rut of believing the problem was something I had done or was not doing. I just knew it was only a matter of perseverance and then all would come right. Thanks to some tough love there and finally being dragged kicking and screaming to the truth, I realized that my spouse really didn't love me. Still I argued with folks there that there may still be hope if only the right strategy could be found. Once I read enough and saw how my spouse employed so many of the delaying and avoidance methods exhibited by other refusers it finally was no longer something I could deny or avoid. And following numerous resets I finally called time of death on the marriage. So YES, I found the help I needed.
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Post by baza on Aug 25, 2018 18:43:37 GMT -5
baza , I’m not sure you’re getting my point. In my eyes, the Post SM section and the Choosing to Stay section each support a decisive outcome. But I don’t feel that the latter is being respected as a choice, and I think that’s the thrust of @lostsoul’s complaint. Nobody steps into the Post Sexless Marriage section and presumes posters there are on the fence or need help reaching a decision. They are applauded for being decisive and given support for their choice. Some of them are struggling greatly with the consequences of that choice. Consider that posters in the Choosing to Stay section are in precisely the same position. They’ve made a choice, albeit not the one you and others have. They are not on the fence. They don’t need to be swayed or enlightened anymore than those who’ve made the choice to leave. But they, too, are struggling with the consequences of their decision. And not looking for someone to “push them off the fence”, but rather to help them make the best of their choice. I can only speak for myself here Brother DryCreek , but ILIASM members who have made a fully informed choice and taken ownership of - and responsibility for - their choice have my total respect. Whether that choice was leaving or staying. Former Brother @lostsoul appeared to have taken a position of "staying until the end no matter what". My recollection of his (now deleted) posts is that none of the alternative options were ever seriously explored by him and he didn't seem terribly receptive to suggestions either to himself or in the group generally to anything other than "staying to the end no matter what". To me (and I stand to be corrected on this) that does not seem to be a "fully informed" choice, but rather a choice made on some dogmatic basis.
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Post by jim44444 on Aug 25, 2018 20:16:57 GMT -5
... Nobody steps into the Post Sexless Marriage section and presumes posters there are on the fence or need help reaching a decision. ... Consider that posters in the Choosing to Stay section are in precisely the same position. They’ve made a choice, albeit not the one you and others have. They are not on the fence. They don’t need to be swayed or enlightened anymore than those who’ve made the choice to leave. But they, too, are struggling with the consequences of their decision. And not looking for someone to “push them off the fence”, but rather to help them make the best of their choice. I get what you are saying DryCreek but the is big difference between the two groups. The folks posting to the Post Sexless Marriage thread have resolved their SM. Their future actions will have no affect on their prior SM. However, the folks in the Choosing to Stay group have not resolved their SM. We may be accepting it or ignoring it or working on it but it is not resolved. As such even though we are not sitting on the fence there is no reason to assume that we will not be sitting on the fence again. Any one of us could wake up tomorrow and decide to jump that damn fence. So when we post in Choosing to Stay I feel that responders should temper their replies to the issue at hand. Support and enlighten as needed without sugarcoating but there is no need to berate anyone's choice.
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Post by baza on Aug 25, 2018 21:21:06 GMT -5
In all fairness Brother jim44444 , there are instances like timeforliving2 where the ILIASM deal has been resolved (by turnaround). They are rare to be sure, but they do exist. There are instances like yours for that matter jim44444 . It's always read to me that you made a fully informed choice to stay and took ownership of that choice, and I never see you complaining about it. And indeed you are open to the notion that you could - if the sums added up differently in the future - revise your choice. But having achieved a level of acceptance of the situation without a huge resentment level, that to me, reads as a success on your part. It is certainly a miles better position to be in than the indecision that afflicts so many of the membership.
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Post by nyartgal on Aug 25, 2018 21:46:50 GMT -5
I missed whatever kerffufle led to the original post, but I can say the original EP site helped me ENORMOUSLY even though I was basically on the way out of my marriage already when I found it. I still had a lot of confusion, fear and insecurity and the advice and support I received was absolutely instrumental to me.
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johannesfactotum
Junior Member
Behold the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it and ye shall see that it is barren
Posts: 42
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by johannesfactotum on Aug 25, 2018 22:16:30 GMT -5
I'm not a prolific poster here by any means, but I have to say that this site has helped me a lot in the year or so that I've been registered. When I initially posted back in July 2017, I was prepared to stay another 15 years in my 21 year sexless shithole marriage for "the sake of the kids". The honest talk/"tough love" from some of the posters in here inspired me to shake off my assumptions and challenge my beliefs regarding staying in my marriage. I'm happy to say that I'll be moving out in less than a week and should be free of her in a year once the divorce can finally go through.
Thank you, everyone, for helping me to take the blinders off and see brighter possible futures more clearly.
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Post by hopingforachange on Aug 25, 2018 23:37:55 GMT -5
Yes this forum has helped me, the forum and there people I've talked to helped me get back to being me and not the depressed suicidal person that I was.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 26, 2018 9:46:11 GMT -5
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2018 13:27:16 GMT -5
To answer the original question, in case he is lurking: Yes, in more ways than one.
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Post by mescaline on Aug 26, 2018 15:35:18 GMT -5
I think it has helped me, but as a stayer for now I find I have very little to add to many of the posts. So I find myself lurking rather than contributing.
I can see how and why it would put people off, there are some brutal posters here. Yet overwhelmingly they are truthful and I believe honestly trying to help.
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